New Zealand Armed Forces

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The New Zealand Armed Forces (NZAF) have gained a fearsome reputation in military culinary circles, one that is well deserved. Over 98% of New Zealand's population has served or is currently serving in the Armed Forces making it the largest territorial force in the world. The NZAF is entirely comprised of a handful of highly house-trained men and women who go out and feed thieving/marauding islanders.

This is a service rendered to most unpronoucable islands in the South Pacific in return for illegal immigrants which give Taito Phillip Field an unlimited labour fource. Just one problem the Navy ueses fishing boats, the army uses crappy water pistols, and cheap worthless tanks, and the airforce uses little training aircraft (which are prop jobs) and ex vietnam helos which i think every one agrees is that they ageing a fair bit, in a couple of years this GREAT ARMED FORCES will fall behind the world in latest weapons and tactics, but no John key dosent believe in great armies but rely on Aussi, U.S.A, and G.B so if NZ gets attacked, as long as they don't use their nuclear powered ships.

Neighbourly tensions[edit]

The NZAF would out-right attack Australia, but the fear of Drop Bears, and the lack of transport keeps them from actually invading. The lack of an effective Airfoce, Navy or Army has left the country vulnerable. Mobsters from Pacific Island tribes defend New Zealand's borders. This "mobster army" has the ability swim with there feathers and toilet plungers and desolate Australia; However they contain their attacks to coastal raids, occasionally attacking surfers and great white sharks. Accusations of theft of national secrets including pavlova and Russell Crowe have also been made. A top secret infiltration of Australia has already begun and it is estimate that 99.999% (2006 census figure) of the total population now resides in Australia. Unfortunately the New Zealand government's plans for world domination disappeared when they sold the air-force. This was natural decision by the government as the Wellington Convention strictly forbids anyone attacking New Zealand to use aircraft of any type. This move also freed up finances for the quarterly round of government pay raises.

Weapons of the NZ Armoury[edit]

The New Zealand Armed Forces uses a wide range of weapons from egg beaters and canisters of tomato sauce to patio furniture. These highly developed weapons have caused unrest in the region as the United States of America moves to stop further research into kitchen utensils on the battlefield. There have also been numerous reports of rotten eggs being used instead of regular ammunition. Government funding of the military ceased in 1986 and anything that looked like it could cause harm (by definition of the Health and Safety Act 1992) was sold to black market clients. Every civilian is trained in the use of the versatile weapons in the armoury, effective training techniques have risen a strong fighting force, hence why New Zealand has never been officially invaded. (current global supply of sheep does not yet put New Zealand on the list of targets worth attacking. The only foreseeable motive for attack is present investigation into offshore oil fields).

Latest addition to the New Zealand Airforce. "Strategically important" purchase according to the Defence Minister

The NZAF Arsenal includes:

  • Eggbeaters
  • Rotten Bananas
  • Sheep
  • Tomato Sauce
  • Patio Furniture

Allegedly, under top secret development in training labs under the Beehive, swimming sheep are currently being trained to serve under the boat H.M.N.Z.S Taranaki for espionage and assassination missions.

Internal Conflict (CHEEKY ISLANDERS)[edit]

Several campaigns to take control of the country are under way at present including the polynesian migration which is similar to the current infiltration of Australia undertaken by the civilian militia. The Destiny Church offensive under the command of General Brian Tamaki is the single biggest threat to sparking civil unrest. "God squads" have been formed and are subjecting the population to on the spot bible quizzes with terrifying results. It is said that one citizens failure to "name that psalm" ended in a grusome homsexual experience. Tourists considering a trip to New Zealand are urged to brush up on their verses.

See also[edit]