|Motto: We use trebuchets!!|
|National hero(es)||Lāčplēsis (Bearslayer)|
|Sometime in 13th century, annexed again by NATO in 2004|
|Currency||Latvian dižkāposts (LVD) 1 dižkāposts = 10 kāposti = 100 burkāni = 1000 gurķu sēkliņas Historical monetary units: zelts, sidrabiņš, vaska ritulīši, ozeriņi, figu-nauda|
|Religion||Can we eat it?|
|Population||Less than in average Chinese bus station|
|Major exports||Green gold, fish, bacon, butter|
|Major imports||purple seat covers|
“Latvia: A tiny country full of weakl-”
Latvia or The Land of The Tall Cows is a country between Estonia and Lithuania. Before World War I it was a country between Germany and Russia or between Sweden and Polish-Lithuanian Empire. The extensive Northern coasts of Latvia are washed by the Baltic Ocean, and it has terrestrial boundaries with some small satellite countries of Russia, like the Republic of Belarus (an important supplier of toilet paper and vodka) and others. Latvia was a rich country prior to an administrative reform made by communist leaving the locals clueless of their whereabouts.
Latvians can be easily recognized by their names, which always end with an ending s. This also applies to the Latvian language, which is second oldest language in the world (nobody remembers the oldest one. People say it's Lithuanian, but Russians deny it and say Lithuanian is only "sober" Russian). Latvians like to sing, drink beer, eat ridiculous amounts of hard-boiled eggs and grow long hair. They also tend to have between 4 and 6 toes on one or both feet due to weather and bear festivals. Yes that's right, bear festivals. Latvians like to dance with bears.
Latvians still debate whenever Latvia is in Northern Europe or Eastern Europe, some even claim that Lava... rather, Latvia, is in Germany, although that's still debatable, but might be a likely outcome.
The exact location of this mythical country is unknown to anyone, as nobody in the world can locate it. Some attempts have been made to discover it. It is also the place of birth and year-round residence of the Wild Latvian squirrel (endangered). The reason for Latvia's invisibility is something of an enigma, as it borders both the Baltic Ocean Lands and Russian Desert, whilst at the same time being the best country on Earth. Adolf "The Flaccid man" Hitler is still hiding in Latvia.
Much of Latvia consists of wild forests and swamps inhabited by ogres.
Latvia also has colonies in Great Britain, Ireland, the U.S., and other small countries. Only unpatriotic Latvians actually live in Latvia. Others love their country so much that they prefer to gaze at it from safely outside.
Kurzeme declared itself a republic ruled by The Little Prince and joined the terrorist organisation of Oogry-Moogric languages last Thursday. According to the CNN, Kurzeme was aided by a Boy Scout Battallion of unknown loyalties.
History and Politics
Latvian tribes have been living in this territory for many millennia (approximately 0,7). They were famous for their critically acclaimed and professionally executed cannibalism (they also killed dinosaurs and actually they were one of the most reasonable explanations for why dinosaurs disappeared), so their houses were built very far from each other. In 1290, Latvia was invaded by German Knights from Zululand and Order of Chavs. After a long dispute in the best (and only) pub not yet trashed by British Drunken Marine division, about the ownership of the country both of the invaders were too drunk to dispute further and gave it to the queen of Aztec Empire as a present for her marriage with prince Hamlet from Burger dynasty. Burger kings ruled Latvia for 100 years and the kingdom of Courland and Semigallia for more 100.
Latvia was then under the jurisdiction of the Aztec Empire until it was finally conquered by the tsar Peter the Great. Peter killed one third of Latvian population, the other third perished from plague. Peter and his successors guaranteed vast privileges for the German nobility- the descendants of the old knights but the local pupulation were made serfs, until in the wake of the French Revolution, the writer Garlieb Merkel attacked the nobility with words: "Reason has triumphed, the Age of Justice has begun!". After that serfdom was abolished.
The ill-fated World War 2 era attempt by some Latvians to support Hitler as a liberator from the harsh rule of Red army turned out to be a miserable and humiliating failure when everybody got a Volkswagen Beetle and some warm beer. The Red army led by the cannibal Stalin defeated Hitler's soldiers and occupied Latvia once again. Accorded by some Latvian historians, Stalin deported 50 billion Latvians and ate liver of each one of them.
Since 1980s, Latvia was under the rule of King Rubik whose plan was to overflow half of the country with waters of river flowing from the East. In the time of his reign for many years Latvia has been occupied by wild urlas. But in the year 1991 the president Anatolijs with his fellow assistant Dainis destroyed the last urla.
For a while, Latvia used to be ruled from Montréal by the evil emperor Freibergarator with residance in Pokaiņi. She was a force of utmost evil and pokaiņņness and regularly committed citizens to jail or forced them into slavery. As long as she lived, there was no possibility that the throne would be taken. She liked to say on all occasions "Es tevi pakāršu, kuce" meaning "There shall be peace between us" but she never means it. After 3000 years Jānis Zaglers was born, captured the empire, and stole Evil's grenade-microphone. After finally reclaiming the Eastern suburbs of Stockholm, the second anarchistic fellow monarchy of Latvian Empire of the True Happiness was established in year 2000 and has been in place ever since (except Interbellum) (and Postbellum).
Latvian bank leaders are known to be the richest people around the planet. They usually eat all of their money. That way, no one can steal the money. Usually the safes where the people money is kept, are guarded by horrific geelworms (svinsk geelworm- svinskas zvīņtārpi)
While a search for "Latvian mail-order brides" yields 42 Intarweb hits from places billing themselves as "the mail-order bride warehouse", the entire stock of Latvian brides has already been depleted due to demand from suitors in wretched third-world countries who see espousing a mail-order bride with European Union citizenship as an easy way out after being turned away at every border from France to Russia when traveling with American passports, €80-cent dollars in their hands and Iraqi war wounds covering the rest of their bodies.
As of March 2006, the top three exports are mud ($150M/yr), ski products ($25M/yr), and Russians (20K/yr). Latvians require constant inflow of green vegetables, Latvians from elsewhere in the former Soviet empire, Lithuanian prostitutes, pork, beer, electricity (98% imported from Finland) and UN "help" dollars. According to ancient tradition, once a year all of the imports are placed on the presidents doorstep for him to take as much as possible (generally around 33%). The rest is up for grabs and the mobs often go on Russian-killing rampages if they don't get enough Pilsener.
There is also a curious native product called sprats. When they are from Norway, normal people call them sardines, but Latvians consider them their own, and consider sprats (also called sproten) special. The salt content is so high, that they have defeated opponents by causing the invading opponent's blood pressure to skyrocket when they were consumed. Lativan soldiers training regimen includes building up a tolerance to the sodium content.
The Latvian Currency is the dižkāposts or LVD. However, the popular pa muti (hit the face) is also accepted as a valid currency in most areas of Latvia.
Almost every Latvian speaks five languages- Latvian, English, Latvenglish, Russian and Latrussian. Previously widely spoken Latgerman is now almost extinct. Latvian is a language from the West-Ural North aurophenian Scitto-Shitiranian language group. It has been developed from the south Marsian language. Many Latvians have special skills to use language like its sounds not coming just from mouth, but also from the back (in simple English it is called the ass). These skills are developed from frequent eating of beans, pies, cabbage and meat. Latvian is very easy, it has only 112 vowels (a,ae,aeee,ea,ee,o,oo,uii,uy,uae,aaeeuia,iiiiiou,aoiuuuiaoai,eeeeeoishitoooooaiiuieau,ëeöaäu...), and 20 consonants. The Dude was the first sentient creature who heard the Latvian language. After he heard it, he died of unknown reason. The famous phrase "killing with language" came from the Latvian language, because they used their ass to communicate (with gases). That was also a defence from the dinosaurs.
Latvians sing a lot, especially old legionnaire and riflemen songs (composed by Jānis Švika), for example ("I've just killed a deer, oh God!", original version "You are a woman, I am a man..."), usually in a very angry manner, while making humping motions. There was also a secret "LWDW" (Latvian World Domination Weapon) at Eurovision, when millions of people were watching TV, although the plan didn't succeed because Evil and her corrupted managers sold all of the brain controlling devices to Moon-people.
The key point in Latvian culture is Dziesmu svētki (Song Festival), where Latvians sing their national anarcho-punk rock and heavy-metal songs as well as performing difficult yoga exercises, performing one of Hamlet's scenes, riding on a plane's turbine and hunting on local cars (everything at the same time and place).
Latvians also have the "Zoophile Festival" on the 1st of September precisely at midnight. The second country after Lithuanian Maximus Federation which has provided the world with an experienced zoophiliac and necrophiliac pride (that's why Latvians hate Lithuanians).
Fighting is very important culture of Latvians. Like walruses in Antartica, by beating the shit out of other males, a male can mate with all the females in a territory, typically a bar. Most of Latvians have territories. If an unknown male invades this territory, then fighting and skull-bashing is imminent.
Latvia is home to Hollymežs (Hollywood is a parody of Hollymežs). Some of the most well-known films which were filmed in Hollymežs are Mr. and Mrs. Jānis, Star Wars (with a Valdis Skywalker in a main role), Fight Jānis, Mommy Mommy, There is a Jānis Under My Bed! and of course Jānis in the Big City.
93% of Latvians never have used a phone, yet thanks to their good genetics, 100% of them can hack any Windows 7 version and build nuclear-powered ovens (again - both at the same time).
There's a number of attractions including annual bear festival, when 30,000 of bears are released into the main square of the capital city to the sound of orchestral metal. It's seen as pointless, but the festival is attended by thousands of tourists (mostly from Russia) and it brings income of millions dižkāposts, they just keep doing it.
Some of Latvian music sounds like a car accident involving three blonde women.
Latvians also enjoy singing and listening to their own National Anthem over and over again.
Most favorite music style among Latvians is šlāgeris or schlager which is a bad German music with so called Kindergarten lyrics in Latvian. These lyrics were made by the Kindergarten children in their final exam before starting the school, with some words later added by the teachers: mīla (love), skūpsti (kisses), sirds (heart) or sometimes alus (beer) and vīns (wine).
The best Latvian rock bands are Jānis & Garfunkel, System of a Jānis, Jānis Hendrix, Jānis Dylan, Jānis and the Bad Seeds, Jānis and Mary Chain and of course The Jānis & BB Jānis.
Latvia's most well-known band is "Piebalgas Puiši" with lead singer Jānis Bērziņš. They play ultra-loud metal that only a trained Latvian ear can survive. It's no surprise about the band's name - it spreads pure evil and hatred. Many foreign people (mostly Russians) have had their heads spontaneously explode while listening to this music.
Nowadays a lot of Latvian youth listens to club music. Those people are often on drugs or drunk. But some are listening to emo and that other one music style which is even worse (yes, it is possible).
In 2005, Andorra declared war on Latvia. The Latvian government hasn`t taken any action on it yet, but their 2 spearmen, 4,5 cavalry (inlcuding 1 for repair parts) and alchemist from Weapons of Mass-Puffs Division are secretly mobilising. As it has often occurred in Latvia's history, most will be sacrificed to the Latvian gods before the battle begins. Unusually, the military is not a popular choice of career. Nonetheless, the Latvian military continues to harass former Soviet Russia, making heavy use of skirmish tactics to inspire fear and lower the Russian morale. Popular manoeuvre, studied in all military textbooks as an excellent and latvianishistic military tactics is for the alchemist to use helium ballons to acquire enough altitude and speed to write "Though shalt fear thy Me" in the skies above northern parts of the hemisphere, in the former direction of the former Soviet Russia.
The only explanation for Russia's fear of tiny (which sometimes isn't true) Latvia centres around the fact that Latvia is a NATO power located semi-directly on Russia's border and is armed with the infamous euro (€), a currency which could reduce the Russian Empire to nothing but rubble (or perhaps rubles) in a matter of russ-minutes.
Recently, Latvia also has been secretly building and collecting from foreign museums 666 battalions of WWI-style planes equipped with modern laser weapons (green laser pointers from the Compgeeks web store), which actually has the capability to give an enemy a mild tan. Its ground forces consists sometimes of two battalions of troops renowned for their abilities in the destruction of tanks with their bare hands. Unfortunately, the active service expectancy of these troops is approximately two weeks, as the injuries sustained to their hands often reduce them to fighting with their feet, and everyone knows that tanks are immune to feet. What is more, Latvia has acquired a weapon of mass destruction - a so called toilet bomb which showers the surrounding area with thousands of toilets, destroying any living creature which makes contact with their hazardous contents.
There is unofficial information about rich tank-ores in Latvian and Estonian territories. It is hinted that the government intend to make mines to dig up more tanks, but all they have located thus far are two mini-miners and an electric scooter.
See also, the Latvian Flag. Scientists believe that the flag contains encoded information pertaining to the Latvian military, but not even the Latvians have managed to decode it, at this point. It is believed that the flag holds information on either a new form of tank, or a rejuvenating hand-balm.
Additionally, you will never ever see two Latvians fighting each other, they are to loyal to the president's ruling of "More we be, more we be crush". As a result, all serious misunderstandings (bank collapses, monopoly licence selling, neighbour getting better car or job) are solved over Ultima Online PVP or Counter Strike.
The Latvian military also has two tanks, not to be confused with the tanks of the mines. One of them is a gift from the President of United States of United Antarctica and another was found in a swamp were it had sunk during WWI. Scientists have proven that one Latvian equals roughly 301 Spartans. No This is NOT Sparta!!!
Latvians are very dangerous
It is believed that Latvians have two tanks only to show their youth how pathetic are enemies. True Latvians don't need tanks, planes or any other weapons. They can win any other nation (like United States on Arctica) barehanded (like national junkie Bearslayer, who ripped a bear to pieces) or sometimes just by declaring war. No one knows why they are so unstoppable, although it is supposed that they have secret energy source kept somewhere underground or in the trees...
The only way to escape a Latvian is to cut off one of your legs and throw it to him (aim for the eyes or any other vital parts). Then jump away (really) fast and hope for a quick death (unlikely).
Latvians may also use their other effective defense mechanism; throwing pasties (pīrāgi), a traditional Latvian dish filled with the innards of several animals that you don't want to know about. They have been known to have very good aim when throwing these and project them at your body with their two pasties launching tanks. When the pastie hits a living body, it crawls under the skin and eventually reaches the brain, therefore taking over. Zombified enemies are usually gathered together to form new army divisions.
Some Latvians have achieved unseen breakthrough in means of humans as a weapon. They have ascended to a new level called Super-Saiyan Latvian and with that gained unseen power, speed and ability to hold orgasm longer than any woman. Also they cannot be penetrated by bullets and shrapnel.
In 2010 Latvia, became the first country to discover the "Aim for the weak spot for massive damage" bomb. Further details are still a secret.
Latvian scientists receive almost no money from the government, but despite of that, they work hard and every day find the new discoveries.
Right before the end of the world on the 21 December 2012, Latvian scientists completed their biggest project yet: the large hardon collider. 28 men participated in the process and the world was once again saved from the evil wrath of turbo-nuclear Russian squirrels.
Latvians possess the most noticeable invention of the modern times: the "average man". He was invented between 1976 and 2031. All cars, doors, steps and corks are made to fit him, toilet scrubbers are made to perfectly adopt forms of his hand, all dressers first make a dress that would fit him, before making it for others, all prices are suitable for average man. Average man possesses stable income from the World economy and has at least 1 flat. The average man is mostly Chinese, and a bit black from one side yet he is considered to be European etc.
Latvia is a very healthy nation indeed, solely because all of its citizens are descendants of the legendary Bearslayer Lāčplēsis.
In recent years, a new and deadly virus, called "draugiem.lv", has been spreading amongst Latvians. By now ~85% of the population (March 2012) are infected by it, with infection rates rising per the Latvian hour. It is known to cause diarrhea, Exploding Head Syndrome, retardation, ultimate erection and a subconscious urge for migration to the British or Irish pastures. It spreads through e-mail, bus and by mobile internet. Some conspiracy theorists are claiming that the virus was created by a group of 1337 hax0rZ to spy on people, but this is disregarded by African doctors, who were able to stop the virus from spreading in Eeesti-pois-land. These doctors claim that it is impossible to control one's sphincter from the interweb. The theorists heartily disagree. The main threat of this virus is that it affects Latvians much faster than Estonians. This is because the normal Estonian heart rate is 15-16 times slower than that of the Latvian (25/mph and one to two while sleeping). A cure for the virus has not yet been found, though some people have miraculously recovered by using Anusol suppositories orally, as well there have been reports that some people are imune to this virus. Few foreign scientists claim that this virus could miraculously give explanation how Latvia can border both the Baltic Ocean and Russia, whilst at the same time being the largest country on Earth besides the Galactic Empire.
Latvians care very much about their health, it is written in Law to add iodine to the salt and an old Soviet pharmacy 'zelyonka' to the sugar. It is also stated that, "if there is someone sick in Latvia's territory, he or she must be shot in the knees and put in prison for letting the nation down."
Due to the recent discovery that average drinking water (H2O) actually is a toxic waste left from the invasion of sick-minded retard cats, the Rulers of Latvia have asked people to refrain from use of any liquid substance, except Croca-Cona canned tree juice, which has been acknowledged by many dietary scientists and experts from McDonaltas chicken food industries. This has caused a new movement of radical hippy-nudist politicians, who devote their lives to oppose drinking as an indecorous use of human mutual organs. And what do stock-brokers say to all this? "Although this will create another crisis in the market, we are quite used to it, and this won't affect any aspect of urban citizen life, except the increase of the increase rate of taxes, which has gone from +56.2% to 921.99%. Due to the fact that none has a large enough bank account to pay for these taxes anyway, the average citizen won't feel a thing".
Sport is an integral part of Latvian life. One of the most popular sports is ice fishing. Latvians say, if you see ice fisher on the lake or river, you can expect the ice in a few days. Another popular sports is drunk driving. Some of these sports, the rules of which rules became known due the to outflow of information from Latvian settlers are listed below:
Quote from the Book Of Sport:
- One that couldn't be translated, because of local lexicon (Kazaki razboinyiki), very old game where players have to hide from each other and keep secret password and when opposite team finds them, they beat them until password is revealed.
- Sadomasochistic admiring a group of people who hit a little black plastic pancake with sticks. Sometimes they also beat each other. The game is also known as ice hockey.
- Playing some sort of soccer called litrabols, where any foul ends up with drinking vodka. Therefore most notable litrabols teams are located near Russia, the great supplier of alcohol. A similar game to checkers exists too.
- A famous children's game is balalaika where a brave child ties himself to a rope and jumps off any high point. The game is a game of guesswork - is the rope short enough not to smash your face into the ground? There is a National Balalaika Team (LV-NBT), who won first place in the World Balalaika Championship (beating China, since they didn't use ropes at all).
- Some Latvians compete in the national witch-hunt of the Lithuanian this involves the gang beating of any Lithuanian that steps on the Latvian turf.
A little known fact about Latvian society is that the name Jānis is in fact universal, and can be applied to anyone and anything. Scientists from Nacionālā Atrofieren Sarunvalod' Administrācija (NaSa- National Atrophy Colloquial Speech Administration) have stated that "Jānis" is not a noun. It is actually a plural of the adjective "Juris", and therefore must be treated as an irregular French verb.
The favorite Latvian activity is sitting in a bosk, playing kokle (ugly and not tasty musical instrument) and swearing at a neighbor or anyone else about bipolar biological bones. Also Perkele is being stabbed when they can find it.
Latvians have been applauded for their skill in cooking. The famous book of Jānis Rītiņš, 1001 ways to cook a Lithuanian, can be found in every household. Rītiņš used the word Lithuanian instead of Latvian in the title, because anyway the people usually confuse these two nations and always in favour of Lithuanian.
Probably the one Latvian, that is known everywhere is Jānis Rainis IV - The first Latvian who ascended to a super-Latvian, acquiring enormous composing and poetic potential.
Usually the presidents of Latvia are not very famous persons because Latvians don't give a shit about politics. However, there is an one exception, the president Ulmanis. He is famous among people because he is the only president who was not elected but made himself a president.
Former European Union commissioner Piebalgs is also very famous for his heroic act on international debate. When opponent was stating his best argument Piebalgs jumped off his seat, screaming "Hulk smash!" and smashed everyone.
Benjamin D. Inder from Newfoundland traces his ancestry to Latvia's own Colonel Matīss Bērziņš known for winning the Sino-Latvian War in 1905 when he single handed gave the Chinese everything within the national treasury.