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An erection (Penius boneus) happens when the male penis stands upright due to semen and sperm build up. The word is synonymous with reminiscent of "construction", e.g. the Washington Monument.

Erections typically happen to straight men, though gay men occasionally get them. It usually occurs as a result of seeing David Beckham take off his shirt after a game, seeing the perfect sheets and pillow combination, seeing a rainbow, or seeing Margaret Thatcher. Wait ... I'm being informed that Margaret Thatcher is was, in fact, a woman. Well. I'll be damned.

An erection is also an event which is held once every four years in community centres and other public buildings. Participants must be over the age of 18 and are required to stand in a booth. This practice originated circa 1408, when crusader knights returning from Jerusalem took the wrong turning at Cyprus. In order to occupy and indeed entertain themselves when without food or potatoes in this deserted land, they would take part in rounds of mutual masturbation, whereby one knight would force an erection upon several other knights and lay claim as leader of the group.

Chiang Kai-shek, Franklin D. Roosevelt, and Winston Churchill covering up their erections in 1943

Erection concerns[edit]

Just in case you were wondering where that high C came from


Morning Wood.jpg

Clinical diagnosis of an erection, confirmed by the bulge in a man's trousers, typically follows a sudden unwillingness to remove his hands from his pockets upon request. (The penis is enlarged, causing it to feel like a bone, thus the word boner.)→

Erections and girls[edit]

Guys, we told you that your erection IS not big enough to satisfy any girl. And we mean "any". Men like us (if you're not a man, get out!) believe that erections are made to satisfy girls, especially girls from your dreams. Remember, the golden rule is ... you'll never get a hot gal if your erection is not big enough. There are five things you need to know about your erection before you go chase after any hot girls.

  1. Make sure your erection is big enough to protrude from your pants.
  2. Your erection must look sexy.
  3. Make sure Gordon Brown hasn't touched your erection.
  4. Your erection must NEVER shrink for a lifetime.
  5. Make sure your erection grows everyday.

These rules are a 100% meant to be used to satisfy girls. If you break any single rule of these laws, you'll never have an erection that can satisfy any girl. Period.

That said, an erection can also be a harmful thing. If any girl other than a nymphomaniac notices — or, God forbid, accidentally feels your erection — and does not want sex, you will be ridiculed. This applies doubly if it is at a wedding, and triply if you are the priest marrying a prince to a side dish.

Erections are useful for, to use the scientific term, making whoopie. It is hard to suck your own penis to make an erection but there are methods of masturbation other than sucking your penis.

If the girl is a prude, like notorious super-pruder Urethra Franklin, the erection should be hidden until she "wants to". This fact has led to many back-alley on-off switches installation operations. Some advanced models have been recently installed by anonymous doctors, despite public outcry, protests, death threats, attempted bombings, and two constitutional amendments. These models have a potentiometer allowing for a full range of flexibility, from flaccid to flak-cannon. The easiest way to detect these switches is to search a man's throat with your tongue, an act that commonly triggers the switch for less-experienced users inadept at concealing them.

See also[edit]