Defense of Marriage Amendment

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The proposed Defense of Marriage Amendment to the United States Constitution intends to protect the institution of marriage from attacks by outside forces, namely terrorists in the employ of Osama Bin Laden and other freedom hating, anti-American Commies, especially gay people.

CIA sources have determined that Al Quaeda intends to destroy marriage through the use of terror tactics. Some of their intended plots:

  • Firebombing bridal showers
  • Flying a plane into the headquarters of Modern Bride magazine
  • Developing a virus to destroy rice and confetti
  • Assassinating key photographers, caterers, DJs and ice sculptors

Critics say that these are not threats to marriage per se, only to weddings. Proponents of the amendment counter that by saying "You can't have a marriage without a wedding! Duh!" (Source: Speech by Senator Trent Lott given at the 105th birthday party for Senator Strom Thurmond, August 15, 1935)

In addition to protecting marriage from terrorism, the amendment would protect it from a possibly more dangerous enemy: homosexuals. Research has determined that exposure by a heterosexual married couple to a homosexual married couple for as little as 30 seconds will permanently destroy the heterosexual couple's marriage, rendering them sterile and possibly homosexual themselves. This is a central part of the vast gay conspiracy to destroy America, Christianity and the world as we know it. (Source: US Department of Marriage, Division of Spurious Research)

The amendment would enact the following provisions to defend marriage:

1. Require all Americans over the age of 13 to be married to not more than one person of the opposite sex by 6 months after the amendment's ratification.

2. Divorces, separations and annulments will be outlawed.

3. In the event of death, surviving spouses will be require to re-marry within 90 days or face prosecution and possible involuntary transfer to the Federal Wedding Enforcement Camp to be located at the Guantanamo Bay military gulag resort in Cuba.

4. All gays, lesbians, transsexuals, swingers, Mormons and other people with deviant sexual practices will be sent to re-education camps in the Sunni Triangle region of Iraq. (This point is identical to a provision in the proposed "No Fags Allowed 'round Here Amendment" proposed by Senator Tom Delay)

5. Marriage between animals and humans are permitted.

With the Canadian government's recent legalization of gay marriage, a new version of the amendment has been proposed that would close the Canadian Border and allow for the deportation and/or summary execution of any non-married Canadians residing in the US.

The amendment is expected to easily pass the House and Senate before it moves to the states for ratification. It's supporters are confident that it will pass, along with the proposed "Defense of Religion from Science Amendment".]