Cyprus
“I feel like a cheated husband”
“Get him some Kleenex.”
“If the minister dares to change a word in MY history book...I will curse him!”
Κυπριακή Κομμουνιστική Δημοκρατία της κόκκινης μπανάνας / Kıbrıs Turk Cumhuriyeti Red Bananas Soviet Communist Republic of Cyprus Cyprus | |||||
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| Motto: "Ad kalendas Graecas" | |||||
| Anthem: "One nation under Eurovision" | |||||
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| Capital | Nicosia (Greek : Λευκωσία) (Turkish : Lefkoşa) | ||||
| Largest city | Lefkosia + Perichora | ||||
| Official language(s) | Greek | ||||
| Government | Democratia | ||||
| President | Maneuverable Dimitrakis the I | ||||
| National hero(es) | Legolas | ||||
| Established | January, 4th 2005 | ||||
| Currency | Euro (formerly Cypriot Lb, Cigars and Keo Beer) | ||||
| Religion | Apoel | ||||
| Population | 349.5 trillions (not counting the 3 million Turks) | ||||
| Area | 200 m2 and shrinking. | ||||
| Population density | 349/200 m2 = 1.745 | ||||
| Calling code | 090-Russia-Ukraine-357- | ||||
The island of Cyprus (Greek: Κύπρος, Kýpros, Turkish: Kıbrıs ) is an extremely large and important island in the eastern Mediterranean Sea, conveniently located close to its friendliest neighbours, Turkey, and the peace-loving region of the Middle East; 1.2 km west of harmonious countries (Syria, Israel, Pittsburgh, and Lebanon). Along with the USA, they are the only superpowers to actually have WMDs.
In Cyprus, one can find the third-smallest independent state in the world, after Monaco and Vatican City, The Principality of Paphos. The Great Tunnel of Cyprus, one of the largest in the World links Paphos to civilisation.
Politics
Cyprus is the centre of international peace and harmony. Apart from some minor political squabbles and ethnic pillow fights in prehistoric times, the iron age, classical times, hellenic times, the middle ages, 1800s, 1878, 1912-13, 1922, 1931 (oktovriana), 1940-1944, 1950s, 1960s, the 1963-1964 killings, 1970s, coup of 1973, invasion of 1974,1980s, November 1983, and 1990s, the island has remained peaceful and entirely in one piece since its establishment a long, long time ago.
The current president of Cyprus is Demetris (Voukkoues) Christofias, who is a bolshevik and taught Lenin how to make frapee coffee. Ever since the Russians have been sending us T-80 tanks at half the price. It is now possible to distinguish cypriot and russian jets and armor because they all have a cup holder. It is especially useful to cypriot soldiers, since their tanks don't really take part in combat. They are usually taken for a ride around the army barracks, and twice a year they go around the city for the parades and stuff, where politicians make people think they are AT-ATs and will crush any invader, since they were bought from Mother Russia for $111000 each. Their weapons are also tested three times a year in target practicing near populated areas.
Cyprus is divided by a line, which Cypriots usually like to call the GREEN line, due to the invasion of Turkey in 1974, aka operation greenpeace when they claimed to protect the rights of 'ambelopoulia' (field birds). Greek Cypriots protest this invasion to this date, stating they only wanted to see how many Turks they could fit in a hole (they always liked geometry). The occupied part of Cyprus depends on which side of the green line you're standing on. The United Nations of the World and the Union of Europeans recognizes the Greek part of Cyprus as the Legal State. The Turkish-Cypriot side, it is debatable if there are any Turkish-Cypriots actually left as they have been outnumbered by actual Turks, Turkish troops, Turkish belly dancers and Turkish baths, is considered to be nasty; claiming a state, the so called Northern Republic of Cyprus, recognized only by the Turkey, the Seagull, the Eagles, and other flying Members of the Animal Kingdom.
Economy
The Cypriot economy is based mainly on ethnically sensitive products such as the (formerly turkish) delight and (formerly turkish) coffee. Any attempt to challenge the cypriot identity of such products will result in the Death Star becoming fully operational again.
The Cyprus economy depends on British lads, that visit Cyprus holiday resorts for cheap beer and cigarettes. They tend to become stupendously drunk and lose their virginity to something that resembles a woman. This mainly occurs during summer in Ayia Napa (aka "The hooker of the Mediterranean"). Welsh visitors seem to have a preference for the moufflon - the wild sheep particular to Cyprus. What the lads do not know is that the normal prices of cigarettes and alcohol in Cyprus are even cheaper than they think. Cypriot merchants take full advantage of their self-created 500% tourist tax (also known as pushto ingleso tax).
The economy further benefits from blackmailing wildlife protection organiations. In their attempt to protect local vinyard birds greenpeace is forced to fork out before the cypriots get their forks out.
The infinite reinbursment loop is a novelty copied from Greece: Get government loans to grow vegetables and ask for reinbursement when you throw them in the street in protests.
Language
Cypriot language mainly consists of grunts, tutting and superfluous hand gestures with a splash of a few Turkish phrases. And spitting. A lot of it. Any foreigners trying to assimilate will only have crap english with a shit cypriot accent talked to them because they suck. Generally, all semblance of syntax, grammar and structure is raped and abused beyond recognition.
Souvla Man
A local town hero, equivalent to Leonidas himself. Saved the children from hunger. Souvla Man provides love with his meat and smiles on faces. He marinades his meat till it changes colour. His name is Bappou Andreas and he works on the foukou with God himself, he ate lead, glass and chews blood clots, his name is frixo.
Education
Cyprus has indeed established a great educational system that goes by the name of "Eniaio Likeio". With great facilities and teaching staff, the cypriot kids are now able to be educated to read fluently by the age of 14. They subsequently enter a Greek university, where they can achieve a degree in 4–15 years (depending on the amount of "occupations", a highly occurring event that includes ball scratching, frape coffee, pilotta and cigarettes).
Alternatively, there is private education which is pretty much an ongoing social, bi-communal experiment with its results often being reminiscent of the Philadelphia experiment. The English School leads the way in said experiments with programs such as "under the same guilottine." The extended services of the school include beatings for turkish-cypriot students who can have their asses handed to them free of charge by the very friendly "Hrisavgites", an independent politically/ethnically oriented group. The methods in which these messages of friendship are delivered include being beaten with tree branches, wooden planks and other assorted goods.
Higher Education
UK
If anyone wants to apply to a UK university, they must contact Maria @ 00357 22 345678 who will provide her "services" free of charge (Just because new students don't know what to expect upon arrival). All students blend in to the English culture and even forget how to speak Greek, for example, they say "Thek Q" instead of efxaristo. All male students have part time jobs at the Casino whilst the women shop their money at the upper class shops such as Primark and TK Maxx. Their entertainment consists only of Greek Parties where each week a different range of individuals meet each other. They are often quiet in the university corridors and is quite difficult to recognize them as they unite with the English culture (natural blond hair, green eyes). - Madchester (2008)
Cyprus
2008 saw the introduction of 4,598 and 1/2 Universities opening on the island. The big names such as Zenon, Plato, and Pantelis are expected to become universities by 2009.
Uniform is mandatory in cypriot universities: Gucci high heels, Long skirts, and something to cover their chest. It is also against school policy not to wear make-up. Pilotta (Belote) and Tavli (Backgammon) are taught at PhD level where many claim to be doctors in the discipline. Articles on Backgammon techniques and their statistical applications by cypriot researchers are often featured on the front covers of journals such as "Nature" and "Science".
Greece
The children of the "middle" cypriot if they don't stay and study in Cyprus (University or Colleges like Cyprus college and Intercollege), they travel to Greece in order to reunite to "mitera Ellada" (mother Greece)! They are the best students in the whole universe, they all live in Zografou area in Athens and they all go to Demec cafe to watch Cyprus football matches (in Nova Cyprus). All Cypriot boys who study in Athens have long beards and long hair because they want to show everyone that they are free now and have "Apolythikan" (dismissed from the army)! The Cypriot girls in Athens always walk in "tsourmo" (greek for large company) they all have a Luis Vuitton handbag and they are 24/7 "in the hair", stin tricha, which means like magazine pictures. They visit Cyprus every weekend and they bring back with them 3000 halloumia, 2000 lountzes, 5000 loukanika, 1000 kanellonia, 1000 koupepia, 1500 makaronia tou fournou (pastitsio) and 2 million frozen sieftalies. They also bring their mother to clean their houses.
College Cypriot Relationships are unique to the whole world! When you have a relationship with a Cypriot boy or girl student you live together from day 1 like a married couple! Your money is shared, you can't go anywhere alone and you refer to each other as "Agapi" or "Mwro" or "Re baby" instead of your real names! After 4-5-6-7–25 years together SHE decides that she found someone else and dumps you. Then you go back to mother Russia and find the 2 meter Russian model to spend the rest of your life with her!
Hospitality
Little children, animals and Russian girls are the most welcomed! At the entrance of the airport an elderly lady claiming she's a yia yia will feed you with as much Halloumi as you could as for. Cocaine and weed for snacks! Virgins and swine flu infected do everyone a favour - LEAVE.
Gambling
Gambling is illegal in Cyprus however; the Turks have found a way to illegally gamble: <See the image to the right>
Cults
Cyprus is the only country to have true Goths® who serve the goth community in the right way. This cult group has its base mainly in Nicosia and it spreads to Limassol. It hasn't arrived in Paphos yet cause of their border control. Those people dress in black , following the steps of their ancestors , are pierced so they can show off and they hang out at 'Picadilly' listening to the greatest goth singers of all times Evridiki and Korgialas with their gothic song 'comme ci comme ca'. Reports mention that a group of goths committed suicide while listening to the dark and powerful lyrics of the song. Another cult is the 'show-offs'. They sit at the expensive cafes with their shiny clothes and new hairstyles seeking for people's "simasia"(something mentioned above). When that doesn't happen they lose their reason to live. So they just try harder.
Another important cult is the drunken underage kiddos. They can be found mainly in every night club especially on Saturday nights. They are the ones who are still sucking their mum's tits but still have to go get wasted on every possible occasion. It is a very vital part of Cypriot society as a whole because it throws the de-virginisation levels down to 12 years old , something that each parent is proud of..
Most Cypriots mix religion with local ancient pagan practices. The Pilotta Cult is a cult devoted in yelling wherever it stands, with its members throwing cards and hitting tables getting everyone (even house who aren't there) nervous. The Order of Souvla is an underground religious organization, where followers adhere the Way of the Souvla, every other Sunday at the mountains or back yards, where they chant the anthem in reverence.
Lifestyle
Days in Cyprus consist of either sitting down the beach in the day, or shopping on the amazing Anaxastacia Street, with its tremendous range of shops. Nights will be spent going into every night club in that area, or going to Starbucks, even if you dont like coffee.
The most important pass times of the island are smoking cigarettes, smoking cigarillos, smoking cigars, smoking nargileh/shisha/hookah, smoking pipe, smoking turks and just generally smoking. Oh, and komboloi. In recent years (and under the pressure of the EU) legislation has been modified to allow non-smokers to live on the island, unfortunately many non-smokers, despite these new laws, are still fugitives and have to live in dark corners of restaurants and cafes desperately trying to dodge the 2nd (or even 3rd, 4th, 5th,... ...nth) hand smoke.
In the recent past non-smokers were not allowed in to the country and Cypriot non-smokers were deported to the UK in order for them to become Charlies (Char Li Es), since they had no use working for the government in Cyprus. The aforementioned set of laws has also brought the mandatory smoking age up to 10 (from it's previous value of 6 years of age) for boys and 8 for girls (because boys have to do 2 years in the army). If you do visit Cyprus make sure you smoke at all times, you never know who is watching.
There has been a lot of debate lately as to why Cypriots smoke so much, the two leading (and competing) theories are: 1. Monty Python and other really cool (kewl/1337) shows make it look cool, 2. Cypriots aspire, through Darwinian evolution (as opposed to Nintendo evolution, see pokemon) to make everybody immune to lung cancer. That is an advantage over the Turks. By the year 2020 most Cypriots will be immune and (obviously the ones who developed lung cancer will be showing symptoms of acute death) and then, gamo to (F#@K it), the island can be reunited...assuming we dont die from heart disease because of all those nasty suvlakis we eat. Turks do it better (cant beat a Kebab. Ask any Brit).
Important Note Recent studies have proved that Cypriots don't smoke because of Monty Python , because simply the majority of them never watched it.
National Income
The national income for Cyprus come from a Gazanji in the Finigouthes, Larnaca. It amounts to "what they hope is more than on the North side" because "that's what's most important".
Real Estate
Corruption
Most Impressive Electoral Sysem
Euro
As of January the 1st 2008 the the official currency of Cyprus is the Euro. The exhange rate had long been locked to 1 EUR = 0.58 CYP, which was convenient enough for financial analysts, although car park attendands prefer to perform a limited integration of a log geotrigonometric series that usually arrives to the result that although 1 EUR = 0.585274 CYP, it can also be proven that 1 CYP = 1.70860 EUR, depending on who's paying and who's giving the change. Cypriots can now brag that they're using the most. Supermarkets would originally have a rate of 1 EUR = 0.005 CYP, but because a "fair pricing" policy was implemented, they slowly raised their prices tenfold during a 3 month time and when the government came to check they just said "A bottle of water? It was 5 pounds, now we sell it exactly 8.54! We even have a loss of 0.03 euros!".
Cyprus Military
The Cyprus Armed Forces (National Guard)is universal to all, except: ethnic minorities, religious minorities, sexual minorities, medical minorities, plants, animals, transitional metals and women; It has over 10,000,000 troops, half a Fighter Jet, two grenades and a bunch of short range (fires up to 10 meters) missiles it purchased from Russia (URS-300) (which are actually stationed in Greece). This way, if the Turkeys, (whose standing army alone amounts to Cyprus's total population) actually come to finish off the job, Cypriots can surprise them and then of course claim their unrightful Hellenic Lands. (Note: Cyprus´ foreign policy plans include vetoing Turkey´s EU bid, and then closing it down and opening a Doner shop). Furthermore, the Cypriot army offers a variety of careers available for those that love danger. So, if you are brave enough you can serve the army as an EPY ( epeidi peinw, ypiretw - cause i'm hungry i serve ). EPYs have created quite a myth for their name over the years. They are usually found near warehouses and gas stations arguing and shouting about "CHEEEEEEESE", the national guard's traditional work.
A typical day at the Cyprus army (non-break time) (cocaine is only allowed at break time, but weed is shared between everyone throughout the day)
Notable Visits
Jack Bauer once visited Cyprus to verify the authenticity of the Cyprus Recordings. Once Jack found out that the Cyprus recording where fake, he was so pissed that he started running around the island. He ended up on a mountain called Pentadaxtilos (Five Fingers). To his frustration, he picked up a very large rock and threw it as far as he could. From this incident the phrase “ospou ftani i koutala tou” derived, which roughly means as far as he could.
The rock landed somewhere near Paphos and was named Jacks Rock... However Cypriots for some reason call it. "Petra to Romiou".
One should never forget visit the picturesque village of Armenochori, in the northern Limassol district.
The British Army visited Cyprus in the late 1860s and are still enjoying the warm reception awarded to them by Cypriots. They were granted land by hospitable locals to built their own military bases and airstrips, which to this day are still an area of great Anglo- Cypriot pride. Dekelia and Akrotiri are known as 'The Jewel in the Republics Crown'.
Famous Cypriots
- Aphrodite or Venus Prior to the distant past, the famous Greek goddess of love, Aphrodite, was born on Cyprus before moving to Mount Olympus for the duration of the Classical period. After the fall of ancient Greece she became a Hollywood movie star, appearing under the stage name of 'Audrey Hepburn', an anagram of her name in Greek. In 1998 she represented Cyprus in the Eurovision Song Contest and came third. There are different opinions about Aphrodite`s sexual life but it is mostly believed that she was a promiscous girl who would walk around the Pissouri beach and look for sex-dates in ancient times. An ancient pig-skin condom was found by a group of soldiers in 1964 as they were digging the beach to bury alive some people from the other community during the intercommunal fights. The condom can be seen at the Mahairas Monastery. For her lifestyle she is also referred to as "The Goddess of Promicousity and Lust" among some islanders. A famous location on the island, known as "Aphrodite´s Baths", is where she once used to wash her genitalia after making love with people and other living things.
- Archbishop Makarios III Assumed name of Mikhail Khristodoulou Mouskos (1913-77), cleric and fashion icon. Makarios was the first President of an independent Cypriot republic, and presided over a period of hotel-building and invasion. In 1976 Makarios beat Pope Paul VI to be named 'World's Best-Dressed Cleric', becoming the first non-Italian to win the title since Dawn French, the first Vicar of Dibley, three hundred years previously. Also very close friends with Fidel Castro.
It is important to note that although there have only been two famous Cypriots, this is one more than Belgium. Additionally, neither of them are fictitious characters, which gives Cyprus a clear advantage. The search for a third famous person continues.
There are claims that the pop singers Peter Andre and George Michael are both of Cypriot origin. It is believed that this malicious rumour was circulated by the Turkish Secret Service. An obvious clue is that Peter Andre's name is an anagram of 'A Pretender'. Also, if George Michael had a Cypriot connection he would be called George George, Michael Michael, or George Hadjimichael, but not 'George Michael'.
Another hotly contested claim to membership to the much vaunted Cypriot nationality is that of British hippie songwriter and later British Muslim hippie songwriter Yusuf Islam, the artist previously known as Cat Stevens. The unruly hair of his 70s period attest to this claim. The mystery of the artist's origin has been the subject of intense scrutiny by information agencies on both sides of the island to claim him as their own. Given though that this is the man who wrote "Peace Train" the possibilities that he is Greek or Turkish Cypriot are judged remote. Biographers give more credence to the theories that he is either Swedish, or very very strange.
Actually, Zenon of Kition, the most prominent stoic philosopher in the Roman Empire was born in Cyprus and is on the face of our 20 cent coins, but alas his name is not George George, Michael Michael, or George Hadjimichael either.
- Stelios 'easy' Hadjioannou is the only (at least that we know of) cypriot knight. He's running his business in the cypriot traditional way i.e 'life is short eat fast'.The tycoon's tanker family originated from Pedoulas , a village in the cold and extremely high mountains (altitude 8000m coming second only to mt Everest) of Cyprus . His sister Klelia is claimed to have dated the big teddyboy Prince Albert of Monaco
- Marcos 'Golden Racket' Baghdatis An encouraging young cypriot who officially put Cyprus on the map and later went on to put the country at the forefront of the global sports arena. On the 21st August 2006, a young Baghdatis reached a worldwide ATP ranking of 8. Sadly, through no fault of his own (he has Cypriot genes) Marcos, like all Cypriots became rather lazy and decided the local 'kafenio' was much more his style now (despite the fact that his kafenio cravings were labelled 'injury'). As a result, he is now ranked 46th worldwide, though he still remains a national hero and streets and babies nationwide continue to be named after him.
- Mustafa Kemal Atatürk People say he is a Turk. They lied!
There's also an artist by the name of Tracey Emin, who has her stuff displayed at the Tate Modern, but since she's Turkish Cypriot we can't count her as Cypriot.
Cypriot Women
Cypriot women are natural blondes and posess an average hip circumference of about 9876 km which is larger than cypruses biggest highway. Famous for their intelligence these ladies claim to be able to both talk at their pink Prada mobile while having their nails done. Usual nail colour especially for toe nails include patron orange that is luminescent in the dark and bloody red. Their interests include burying (=talking trash about) other superior Cypriot women, fasting, visiting the hairdresser, visiting bodyline and gyms, liposuction and gossipping. They also like to call the alodapes which their husbands are sleeping with poutanes while they are at the hairdressers and not sleeping with the neighbour.
Cypriot Men
It is very trendy for men in Cyprus to follow the 'antras o varys' style. This involves having your shirt open up to your belly button and rocking a paterimin. ( pls do not try this at home if you are not the proud owner of a hairy bush-type chest). Another popular accessory to get this style is a 19 ft blonde girl of Russian/Ukrainian/Romanian or Moldavian origin, but before that you have to live with your mum until you are forty years old, and use her 5 star laundry service as much as possible. Then come the Russian girls. They also have the other traditional accessory the nihoui which is a high tec handy fingernail on the pinky finger used for cleaning ear wax or picking kaka8kia(dried muccus) out of your nose.
Also, if a babe/piece of meat girl not from the village is walking down the road unescorted by her family, it is Cypriot Law customary for all the men in that village to stop what they are doing, and watch as that particular girl walks by. Even if she's twelve of another age, the law clearly states it is customary that any man within the 5 mile vicinity of that girl must drop whatever they are doing and just watch. If a Cypriot man blinks even once before that girl walks by, then he is deemed a 'a faggot' homosexual and has to be cast out of that village for the shame he has brought upon his fathers and their fathers and their fore-fathers, (etc).
He cannot return until he has claimed to have slept with over a hundred women the following day.
History
Cyprus has been populated (by Americans) since pre historic times.
The Neolithic Cypriots are the first humans to have successfully driven an animal (two actually) species to extinction. The remnants of the last pygmy elephant and rhino were found in a cave in Cyprus, next to the remnants of a fire.
This proves that Cyprus has always been ahead of other nations, both in inventing the barbecue, and in the management of Wildlife.
There is also proof that Cypriots were the first to domesticate cats. Calls like "miiiiiiiisp" and other domesticating sounds can still be heard to this day. Cats are very common in Cyprus which why they run over by cars, it's the most humane way of keeping their populations low and stoppin' them taking over the souvlijidika.
Hunting
Hunting is Legal in the North to all. Most desired targets are bears, dogs, black coloured people and anything in the South. The cypriot government have decided to allow firearms out onto the streets. You are considered a pusto boudana if you don't have one. The most firearm in a city or town is Famagusta, a ghost town. As another war is about to start of in Iraq, the cypriots are ready. God Bless Makarios and Frixo (beacons of hope in the homosexual scene).
Geolocation
Cyprus is the "arfalos tis gis" (bellybutton of the Earth), this might explain the smell. It asked its mum if it could have a piercing done at Station or some dingy place but I dunno wtf dude, I know it got two tattoos one of a hammer and one of a sicle on each breast and squashes them together to create a common communist symbol. No, not the swastika, you douche!
Cyprus is a separate continent, beating the new boys in Australia on the Island Continent game by millennia, other continents fail to acknowledge this, but nobody in Cyprus cares what the barbarians think.
As such all flights in & out of Cyprus are intercontinental with regards to Cyprus citizens, explaining why Cyprus Airways charges them for a 40 minute flight, about 3 times what a "pousto xenos" (honoured guest) pays for a week in Cyprus including stay at a 4 star hotel.
Telecommunications
The Cyprus Telecommunication Authority (CYTA) owns the island. Cypriot women like to exchange social commentary with each other on a regular basis, ensuring that 99% of the income of a household that includes one ore more women is delivered, after taxation, to CYTA. CYTA being a state owned corporation, is then issued a budget by the government, that comes from the taxes mentioned previously.
This is what people term * The Economic Miracle Of Cyprus, that took place after independence in 1960 and the Turkish army Cyprus tour of 1974: A state own organisation that makes money. Recently Vodafone bought a stake in CYTA, which is believed to have financed the buying of 50% of Verizon's in the US.
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