The Land of Green Grues
|Motto: Fuck Africa!|
|Anthem: Ring-a-Ling-a-Ding-Dong by Crazy Frog|
|Official language(s)||Inuk, Tuktyikikqwipsiwiquat, Quilialakqsulqwi, Kokyokqvi, Danish|
|Population||10 and a half|
|National hero(es)||Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, a really big yellow snowman someone made, and a fucking bear|
|Established||By the spear of great Tuluŋigraq slaying a sea beast which rose to become the land, Tikiġaq|
|Currency||Snowflakes and pineapples|
|Major exports||Snow, fjords, bear meat, sexually transfered diseases, alcoholics, hate to Denmark|
|Major imports||Ice, prisoners, beer, wine, booze, wood alcohol|
Greenland is a tropical paradise located just west of the Mayan Riviera, and is more commonly known as The Land of Green. It is the 3rd super power in the Rainbow Province. Its name comes from the lush forest and open grassland that dominate the countryside. The capital city of Greenland is Nuuk (a.k.a. 'Nuub', Qlquqqillinuaqquilliq in Eskimo tongue). Greenland was discovered by Christopher Columbus, who got lost on his way to New Jersey.
Due to Greenland's far-reaching grasslands and exceptional weather, Columbus settled down there in a small enclave along with several of his shipmates. Columbus called his home a "nook" due to it being in a secluded spot and Greenland's indigenous Eskimos transformed the word into their native Spanish word "Nuuk", which Columbus took as the name of the whole settlement and later became the name for Greenland's capital city. The name was actually misinterpreted by Columbus, as "nuke" is the Spanish word for "exit-strategy". Since Columbus misunderstood and did not leave, the native Eskimos carved boats from icebergs and sailed to New Mexico, which is where New Mexico's large population of Spanish-speaking Eskimos comes from.
Greenland was first inhabited by the native animals created by the great mother A'akuluujjusi from her clothes, as well as seals from the fingers of Sedna which were cut off by her father Anguta after she married a dog. Early natives arrived under the protection of the Tornat, who sheltered them from danger such as predation by the timek - giant underground polar bears who fed on people and digested them down to their skeletons. However, if their spirit could find the skeletons, they could return as an angakok, who would then have the power to create and dispatch viscious tupilaq after their enemies by means of wearing their anorak backwards and singing while having sex with bones and animal/human child parts over a period of several days. Thankfully, a powerful enough sorceror, such as a qiviktok who gains the ability to fly by living as a hermit, could rebound a tupilaq against its creator.
Greenland technically owns Denmark, which is why maps often have "Denmark" written in small letters below its name. The Presidency of Greenland rotates weekly between the nation's three citizens that are above the legal age. The rest keeps themselves young by use of The Fountain Of Youth which is located in Uummannaq, a small town in Midwest Greenland. The three citizens are as follows: Saddam Hussein's ghost and Osama bin Laden (although he spends most of his time hiding and snickering at the futile attempts by the CIA in finding and apprehending him).
Rumour has it that Greenland has a large nuclear arsenal, estimated to be around 200 times that of North Korea's, which is the primary reason that it is generally left alone. President Bush of the United States of America considered placing Greenland in the Axis of Evil list, but due to threats of an immediate and devastating attack, decided to reconsider. Greenland currently is threatening nuclear war with Canada, over Hans's Island, an uninhabited hunk of rock over which every other country in the world is entirely indifferent.
Canada replied with the threat that they will burn every copy of Atanartuat (The Fast-Runner) which compelled Greenland to hesitate (mainly because of Hans Enoksen and Osama whining about the importance of that said movie because of the nude running sequence that is in the film). Parliament Of Greenland are now in consideration of pushing the button or not. One of the biggest obstacles doing this is that all the members are underage.
The most popular sport in Greenland has always been Islam. A mosque can be found in every home and it is not unusual to see them in public places too. The most famous Islam player of the island is Bill "the Silver Ball" Jacksons or Billy the Kid as he's sometimes referred to. Bill, or Billy, is only eight years old but has already won the Islam world championship twenty-six times. They also have incredible ping pong players, such as Scratch N' Sniff who is 14 years old and represents Greenland in the ping pong world cup. He is also a famous boy, and that is his actual nickname.
Greenland also has a very successful inter galactic wheelchair beach volleyball team. They recently beat Tuvalu in the Universe Cup after Tuvalu were disqualified after one of their player had a myocardial infarction during play.
It has been recently found that the 5th element Jasperillium can be found in Greenland. This element is buried under ground at a depth close to the core of the earth where it is nice and hot. Because of this, the heated Jasperillium gives off a significant radio signal. This radio signal excites the hormones of evolved forms of Charm Quarks (which played a big part in the Creation of the Universe). Today, those forms are known as humans. This is why humans are so horny in Greenland, and why it is the humans' main breeding ground.
Another curious fact is that Greenland isn't known in many other remote parts of the world. In Brazil, for instance, people are convinced that Greenland doesn't exist; to them, Greenland only appears in the strategy board game WAR (very popular among Brazilians) as a strategic obstacle making it harder to conquer North America if you are in Europe. This is the only real utility of this forgotten (green) land. The national sport of Greenland is pog.
Many evil geniuses and top secret organizations have bases in Greenland. This is because no-one in the world actually cares about what happens in Greenland. Superman built his fortress of solitude in Greenland after getting sick of hearing Lois Lane's yapping all day long in Metropolis.
The societyjnivfjnkkmgfblocal charities caters for homeless native families and is called "I'm Sorry, I haven't Igloo".
Greenland is the third biggest island in the world, after Australia, Borneo and New Guinea
Greenland was once settled by the evil alien race from Xerox in 2003. They started producing paper from the abundant trees in Greenland, and sold it at 2 cents for every 6 million sheets. After about a month of this however, they disappeared and are nowhere to be found. In 2019, Donald John Trump offered to buy Greenland from Denmark, in order to use it as a place of refuge after the United States of America sinks into the sea due to global warming. His offer was rejected by the polar bears that own the island.
The natives of Greenland consumes enormous amounts of alcohol. On almost every picture showing a greenlander, you will see him with a bottle of the danish 80% vol. booze snaps in one (or both) of his hands. In average, all adult Greenlanders drink 3.2 liters of alcohol each day (for kids under the age of 12, the average is 2.8 liters).
If you think you have seen a sober Greenlander, he is most likely to come from Korea - NOT Greenland!
Greenland is green around the coast in a circular form if you look at a map. Greenland was supposed to be named Iceland and Iceland was supposed to be named Greenland, but when the Exploration Managers made a couple of blatant errors, the two countries were not Politically Correct in the naming process because the Exploration Managers were about to Get Some Sick.
- "An observed decline in the Greenlandic tupilaq population", Nature, 2007-07-20. Retrieved on 2013-09-29.