The Land
The Ground People's Republic of the Land THE Land | |||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
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| Motto: "No, not that land, THE Land" | |||||
| Anthem: "Lord Kevin's Lament" | |||||
 An ordinate survey map at a scale of 1km to 5feet. | |||||
| Capital | Wildrevelstone | ||||
| Largest city | N/A | ||||
| Official language(s) | English with no contractions | ||||
| Government | Nowadays, ninjacracy | ||||
| King | High Lord Kevin the Terminator | ||||
| ‑ Lord High Executioner | High Lord Berrett Halfbrain | ||||
| National hero(es) | High Lord Mormon, Lord Foul, Saltcracker Beerfoamfollower the American-Landese, and THE Evil Gibbon | ||||
| Declaration of Independence |
8001 BC from Trees | ||||
| Currency | 1 shiny rock = 7 shiny sticks | ||||
| Religion | Dark-Side Mormonism | ||||
| Major exports | Sticks and stones | ||||
| Major imports | Tourists | ||||
The Land or THE Land, officially the People's Republic of the Land,[1] is a country located in a parallel universe, far removed for our galaxy and never seen by anyone - ever. Therefore, the majority of the following article is simply guesswork; but guesswork by the greatest minds in science, so it can be taken as fact.
Whats it all about, then?[edit]
The Land is a popular tourist trap. People who get there usually think they were going to some other land but make a mistake reading the interdimensional roadsigns. Once in the Land, it is hard to get out. Usually, you need to kill someone first. Often that person is a powerful Dark Lord, but sometimes you can get away by killing someone innocent. The innocents are easier to kill than Dark Lords and therefore preferable, but it is worth noting that a dead Dark Lord will always resurrect after a while, leaving you with the good conscience of a non-murderer.
History[edit]
In the beginning the Land was ruled by a brutal arboreocracy (government by trees). In the year 8001 BC the horrid dictatorship was finally overthrown by brave humans who soon established a Communist rule under the benign leadership of High Lord Berrett Halfbrain. His successor Damelon Fattiefriend received a sizable influx of stranded American tourists, which revitalized the economy in a big way. The next High Lord, Larry, fought monsters with a magic sword made of plankton and scored many successful straight-to-video deals.
The fun ended when High Lord Kevin the Terminator, originally from the future, signed unread a contract to hire Lord Foul as a Dark Lord to improve tourism. The resulting mess destroyed the Land's economy and took 998 years to even semi-fix. Despite this and a similar episode involving way too much snow (also courtesy of Lord Foul) the Communist rule was not repealed until 3007 BC when a team of monkeys made a successful coup and established a theocratic simiocracy led by THE Evil Gibbon, an immortal monkey sorcerer. The new government made an exclusive deal with Lord Foul for weather-related services and purchased the Sunbane. Fortunately after 1653 years THE Evil Gibbon was successfully impeached and a product safety lawsuit against the Sunbane was won, even though no money was ultimately recovered.
Nowadays the Land is ruled by ninjacracy.
People and Culture[edit]
The population of the Land, 15 mNY (milli New Yorks), consists mainly of tree-hugging hippies and midgets in equal proportions. There are also some ninjas who form the government and wizards. Friendly pirates (descendants of American tourists) and cute magical ponies, as well as additional ninjas, live in the surrounding areas and often come to visit.
There is significant and growing trouble with illegal immigration by human-eating monsters and armies of ultimate evil, including orcs, robotic wizard zombies, and ultramundane Chaotic Evil Techno fans.
Geography[edit]
The Land is largely made of land, occasionally sprinkled by holes in spacetime. Its size is approximately Per 2.3 GB (Giga Bostons).
- Andelain National Park: A beautiful, rolling woodland full of flowers, butterflies, and adorable furry animals that love to skip and play. The grim shades of the unquiet dead are frequent visitors, but furries are strictly forbidden.
- Cradle of Filth: Have you ever wondered what sort of fortress an evil god would design? An evil god who liked black metal? Now it's your chance to find out.
- Lifeswallower Nature Preservation Area: A vast, pristine swamp area full of monsters and quicksand. Hunting permits are sold (for the monsters).
- Mount Boom: The centrally-located volcano. Go inside to see the scenic lava lake beach resorts and the famous perilous stone bridge over the bottomless gulf. Beware of breaking the bridge (you will have to pay for a new one). Petty thieves who try to bite off tourists' ring fingers are a lamentable problem, so be on your guard.
- Omigod Skyscraper: It's a skyscraper! None of the villages in the Land is large enough to have enough inhabitants for it, and the skyscraper is situated in the middle of nowhere even on the Land standards, but still, it's a skyscraper! The basement has a goth bar and nightclub where you can drink blood made of mud.
- Wildrevelstone: The cosmopolitan capital, an architectural wonder, and the only place in the Land where you can buy toilet paper, so take a point to visit.
Famous Landese People[edit]
- Lord Foul
- High Lord Berrett Halfbrain
- High Lord Kevin the Terminator
- Saltcracker Beerfoamfollower the American-Landese
- High Lord Mormon
- THE Evil Gibbon