Dark Lord
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“Fire smells funny, do we really want it?”
“If I would have known what gothy fags you would have turned out to be, I wouldn't have let them serve me. It's embarrassing!”
“If you get over his fashion sense, threats on your life, murder, and genocide, he really is a good guy. The best attorney I ever had!”
“All Hail the Dark Lord!”
The Dark Lord is the master of lies, deciet, and costumes. Many people mistake the Dark Lord for different people throughout history. Like the Cobra Commander, he was once a man, but is now something more, possibly with a metallic face and a funny hat, but no one can be sure. One thing he is not, however, is the devil. The bible refers to the devil by many different things, one of which is an 'angel of light', or at least how he shows himself to people. This is to tempt people into other religions and cults and yellow sumbarines thinking the devil is good. The Dark Lord however makes himself out to be evil, just for the heck of it. He and the devil went to highschool together and had their yearbook pictures under the wrong name, which has lead to much confusion.
Biography[edit]
The Dark Lord likes to hide his true identity under masks, costumes, and makeup, which makes making his biography kind of difficult. Like all big massive people under dark colored armor, he was born in the blackest heart of war hungry France, ready to kill and destroy all the infidels in his path. The problem arose when the Dark Lord (full name Dr. Dark Floyd Lord IV.) became so dark and menacing that he sucked up all the bloodlust from France like a sponge with gigantic testacles, leaving France the pitiful place it is today.
So the Dr. Lord left France in pursuits of other realms to conquer, but quickly broke his ankle in a ping-pong match (the most evil of sports), and had to come up with less direct ways of spreading chaos. He went to community college and learned musical theater, built a time machine, and went romping through time disguising himself as historical figures. This way he could succeed in his plan of 'doing totally radi-cool things d00d!'
Apperances Through Time[edit]
- During his first outing through time, chronologically, he went back to the stone age and lit a fart, accidentally giving humans the invention of fire.
- Found his first set of black armor back in the Viking period, which he stole from Eric the Black, which in turn totally bummed him out until he could get a different colored armor, thus making him Eric the Red
- Destroyed all the gold trees, and put the gold in the deepest deadliest hardest reaches of the earth... and then peed on them.
- Populated Africa with Dark People! Which later became black people that had no actual resemblance to their ancient ancestor.
- Used his musical theater experience to disguise hiself as a complete and utter dandy, then got voted in as President under the pseudonym Martin Van Buren.
- Disgused himself as Stalin and then left when the joke started to go entirely too far.
- Went to the Vlad family and managed to convince them that drinking blood was a way to get a 'wicked high', which cursed their bloodline. Then later regretted it because they became such 'whiney emo pricks'.
- Directly responsible for the invention of the Ford Pinto
- Had a massive leg spasm in a dance club which inadvertently invented the dancing style of breakdancing
- Started the band Twisted Sister.
- Decided to invent High School Musical.
- Convinced two guys in indonesia that having sex with eachother was a really good idea, which started the practice of homosexuality, and later resulted in professional wrestling.
- Killed Martin Luther King Jr. after accusing him of sleeping with his girlfriend. Framed it on some guy that nobody remembers.
- Told Christina Aguilera that it would be a good idea for her to pursue a career in singing.
- Had Cher, and Madonna killed in 1992 and replaced them with soulless robots.
- Lived out entire lifetimes under the names Karl Marx, Friedrich Nietzsche, and Ghandi, planting the seeds of discord, idiot philosophy, political dissention, and convincing people it was a good idea to have themselves willingly beaten to death.
The Dark Lord Today[edit]
The most recent excursion of the Dark Lord in our lives has been under the name Larry Craig; however, some sources claim that he also has an alternative name, Matt Cassela, which he uses to sign all of his malevolent e-mail (AKA Spam and/or Worms). He got in trouble by using the bathroom as an excuse to crush peoples feet between the stalls in the bathrooms (but due to his bad ankle, failed to do so). This caused a large misunderstanding, but caused general outrage and discord so he considered it a wild success.