“I did not have sex with that man. He had sex with me!”
“If only it was me in the other stall.”
Larry "Wide Stance" Craig (born July 20, 1945 in Boise, Idaho) is a U.S. Senator for the Republican Party, a party with an anti-gay platform that therefore contains no homosexuals, in log cabins or anywhere else. Larry Craig is no exception; although he has been accused by the liberal media of homosexuality, in fact, he merely has a tendency to spread his legs further apart than one might expect.
Craig earned the trust of the state of Idaho when he was elected to the U.S. Senate in 1990 and re-elected to office in 1996 and 2002. His hobbies include cruising (on planes from airport to airport), announcing he is not gay, and announcing that he is resigning (at some point in the future, he subsquently had to give this hobby up when his term expired). He also enjoys baseball, Tae Kwon Do, straddling canyons, and anything else where his unusually wide stance is not an impediment.
In a surprising twist of events for the respected senator, Larry Craig was caught with his pants down on August 28th 2007, arrested for lewd conduct and subsequently accidentally pleaded guilty.
Craig had drunk so much Bushmills Irish Black Bush Whiskey (a gift from Ted Kennedy of all people) that he accidentally, inadvertently signaled that he wanted to give a man a blow job (in lieu of the usual circle-jerk), when in fact he was making a gesture meant to communicate "My legs are so far apart that I can't reach the toilet paper. Could you give me a hand? Can you spare a square?"
Whiskey is arguably the most heterosexual of all beverages.
Based on this honest mistake, Craig's conviction was swiftly overturned. Due to his honest voting record, it is thought that Americans will give him the benefit of the doubt and will re-elect him in the next election cycle.
Early life and education
Craig was born in Boise, Idaho, a location which, by cruel coincidence, sounds like "Boys, I da ho!". Craig grew up on a ranch, and as we all know, there are no gay ranchers anywhere near Idaho. In '69, he earned a dual degree in Proctology Penetration & Gastroenterology from the University of Idaho.
A proud member of the Sigma Epsilon fraternity, Craig was known as the best Greco-Roman wrestler this side of the Bishop Ben Dover Seminary. In the entire Sigma Epsilon house, Craig had pinned every other student in the residence without even a hint of a fast climbing boner!
He pursued studies at Brigham Young University, which, by cruel coincidence, sounds like "Bring 'em young!" There, he was so devoted to scholarship that he spent fully six years on his thesis, "Beverly Hills public restrooms: a retrospective." His co-author, George Michael, later went on to become a successful boner bouncing rock star.
People have no life.
Including his service to the House of Representatives, as of 2007 Craig has the second-longest member of the United States Congress in Idaho history, according to this guy over here. Upon hearing this rumor, Hollywood's well hung Milton Burrow became so jealous; he actually arose from the grave and considered sending Craig a horses male genitalia via the United States Postal Service with a unsigned note that would read: "You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think."
House of Representatives
In 1980, Craig announced that he is not gay and that he would resign in 1984. Craig was erected to an open seat. In 1984, Craig announced that he is not gay and would resign in 1988. While in the House, he supported Ronald Reagan's push to open his seat. In 1988, Craig announced that he is not gay and would resign in 1992. That same year, he slipped and his mouth fell on a boy scouts weiner.
In 1992, Craig announced that he is not gay and would resign in 1996. Later that week, he dropped his soap in a YMCA a record 348 times. In 1996, Craig announced that he is not gay and would resign in 2000. He went on to form "The Very, Very Straight Men's nudist camp, For Straight men".
In 2000, Craig announced that he is not gay and would step down in 2004. Sen Craig consulted doctors about turning his rectum into a mangina, just in case of a neutron type bomb that killed women only. Craig also supported funding for a neutron type bomb that killed women only. In 2004, Craig announced that he is not gay and that he actually meant to step down in 1990 but it was so far in the past who cares anymore.
Does anyone else see a "non-denial-denial" pattern here?
In the U.S. Senate, Larry Craig gained his nickname as "Wide Stance". He supported a "wide stance" in many things, but most importantly, in the area of bathroom conduct. Craig supported the cold (porcelain) war initiative of nether region isolation followed by a strict, well timed invasion of those nether regions.
He firmly (and I mean firmly) believed that, while sitting on the toilet seat, one should spread one's legs out as far as possible, so as to attain a stance so wide that one's foot invades the next stall over. The Wide Stance Act, a bill he sponsored and proposed to the Senate in June 2007, was the most important accomplishment of his Senate career.
In 1990, Craig announced that he is not gay and would step down in 1999. He also announced his interest in the seat of Dick Fitzwell. Craig defeated Idaho Attorney General Jimmy Hatt in the Idaho Potato Party primary and former state legislator Larry Fitzgerald in the general election, getting 57 percent of the vote.
Craig was re-erected in 1996 with 57 percent of the vote, defeating Democrat Walt Minidick, and in 2002, when he spent $3.2 million to defeat Alan Browneye, winning with 65 percent of the vote.
Craig then announced he wound not run for reerection in 2008 (or at least until he has another announcement to make regarding not being gay), and he also announced that he is not gay. In his last interview he proclaimed: "Who'da thunk that a miniscule footsie fetish fine would cause me to step down, huh? You won't have Leapin' Larry Craig to kick around anymore, because, gentlemen, this is my last press conference."
Reporters struggled to get a quick pic of Mrs. Craig whipping off her gucci sunglasses and giving her husband the infamous John Bellucci "Blues Brothers" inspired High-Raised Eyebrow.
Craig was chairman of the Sausage Policy Committee from 1997 until 2003. He then became the chairman of the Special Committee on Aging Queens. He is currently the spanking member of the Committee on Gay Rights and his member is a member of the Inappropriate Bathroom Behaviour Committee, where he taps feet with former internship partner George Michael. He also serves as the ranking member of the Interior of the Rectum Subcommittee. As Chairman, he frequently offered his seat.
Positions (Political and Otherwise)
Craig is a long-time, leading advocate for a 'What Happens in the Airport Bathroom, Stays in the Airport Bathroom law.' In 1999, Craig announced that he is not gay and would resign in 2005. He also talked of giving the President Bill Clinton a spanking for his Oval Office tryst and his denial of it. On ABC's Meet the Press,
Craig stated "Its a, 'Bad boy, Bill Clinton. You're a naughty boy. The American people already know that Bill Clinton is a bad boy, a naughty boy. I'm going to speak out for the citizens of my state, who in the majority think that Bill Clinton is probably even a nasty, bad, naughty boy." Cameramen from the scene reportedly saw Craig begin salivating and squirming uncomfortably in his chair as if he were experiencing discomfort in trousers.
Craig voted against cloture on a bill in 2002 which would have extended the federal definition of hate crimes to cover sexual orientation expressed at public toilets. He is quoted as saying, "such an expression would be one of love, not hate."
In April 2005, Craig announced that he is not gay and he would step down in October. He also attempted to amend a supplemental bill with a BloJOBS amendment that would have granted amnesty to between 500,000 and 1 million vagrants in what he termed as "restroom work". The amendment received 53 votes; 60 were needed because the amendment was not relevant to the matter at hand or mouth. A version of the BloJOBS bill legislation was included in a Senate-passed bill in 2006.
Craig, the principal sponsor of BloJOBS, continues to support amnesty for vagrants who are "trusted workers with a significant work history in American public restrooms."
In October 2005, Craig announced that he is not gay, jimini! but would step down if anyone can prove it (he was ill that day and made several coughs that sounded like the word "bullshit") He also suggested that flooded sections of New Orleans should be converted to public restrooms after Hurricane Katrina had hit.
"Fraud is in the culture of Antarticans. I believe that is true in the state of Louisiana as well," Craig was quoted as saying in a local paper to a stunned reporter as his foot was being tapped.
On December 16, 2005, Craig announced that he is not gay and by God if he was, he wouldn't be gay in Boys-e, Idaho. He also said he would resign on June 26, 2007. Craig also voted against a cloture motion filed relative to the USA PATRIOT Act.
On June 26, 2007, Craig once again reiterated that he is not gay. He also reiterated his support for the Comprehensive Public Restroom Reform Act of 2007.
Bathroom Fixture Preferences
Over the past 50 years, Craig has had considerable experience utilizing and loitering around a wide variety of public restrooms featuring bathroom fixtures by many leading manufacturers, including Kohler, American Standard, Delta and Grohe. "There’s just something about the shape and texture of those metallic faucets that I can’t put my fingers on," Sen. Craig proclaimed one time to a somewhat stunned Senatorial Restroom attendant.
His personal favorite public bathroom accessory is the "Glenwall Pressure Assisted Wall-mounted Toilet" (list price: $730-1000). According to the Minneapolis-St Paul Airport, Craig chose the Glenwall deluxe model because it is versatile, can handle two to four adult men (800 maximum pounds) or two politicians at one time, and because when he looks direct at the toilet, there is a "nicer reflection" on him, and not the guy in the next stall. The toilet, with a brand new style for 2008, comes in five vibrant, luscious and super shiny colors.
While we attempted to learn Craig's favorite bathroom stall style, this information is considered "top-secret" according to his bathroom spokesman. However, we have learned from reliable sources in Washington that he prefers Stainless Steel Bathroom Partitions because, they too, reflect his face and the rest of himself and his admirers so brightly. And, fingerprints and smudges can be easily wiped off with simple soap and water. Fabulous!
Craig is married.
Most latent No ^homosexuals are married. Craig is not gay.
In 1995, Craig formed a barbershop quartet called The Singing Senators (who are most definitely not gay). The quartet had other sterling, red-blooded American examples of male heterosexuality such as Trent Lott, Jim Jeffords, and John Ashcroft. They sang a lot of show tunes. Craig also announced that he was not gay. The other three Senators also announced that they were not gay - "not that there's anything wrong with that!" they abruptly added.
Larry Craig and most neocons are not gay because they discovered the Gay Virus that makes people Gay and they get Antibiotic injections every ten minutes to stay straight. On the day in question Larry Craig missed one of his antibiotic shots and Got Some Sick and started to have "Happy Feet" as a result. It was not his fault, you see, as he lost track of time due to the onset of as yet undetected Chicken Nugget Disease which was evidentially causing constipation in the bathroom and he didn't have his shots with him at the time.
In 1982, Craig went on network news to deny rumors involving cocaine and sex with male congressional pages (shortly after that, he married a woman). That kept the media off his back for a good fun-filled 24 years, until...
In October 2006, gay activist blogger Rod Bulgers published allegations on his blog that Craig was homosexual; Craig said of the allegation "He is SO snippy! That is completely ridiculous!".
In an interview on May 14, 2007, with an Imaho newspaper, Craig responded to several allegations, including one by a Boise man who professed Craig had, essentially, flirted with him in 1994.
The man, who is gay, told the paper that Craig stared at him in a sexually inviting way and followed him around [the] REI [in Boise] for a half-hour.
Said Craig: "Once again, I'm not gay, I am actually quite unhappy. And I don't cruise, I have a fear of boats. And I don't hit on men, I've never put out a hit on anyone. Did I use enough wrong definitions there to still be honest while not answering the real questions? Here is one thing I do out in public: I make brown-eye contact, I smile at people, they recognize me, they say, ‘Oh, bi Senator.' Or, ‘Can I blow you?' I've been in this monkey business 27 years in the brown eye here. I don't go around anywhere hitting on men, and by God, when I do, I don't do it in Boise, Idaho! Jiminy! Golly Gee Willikers! Gee Whiz! Ssssuper! Oh Poopiekins! Provincetown! Spoonful of Sugar! Oh sssstop it! I'm too sexy for Milan! Liza! Yatta! Fab-u-lous!"
In The News
Larry Craig is arrested
I didn't have sex with that man!
Arrest and Conviction
On June 11, 2007, Senator Craig was arrested at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport Bath House on suspicion of not being gay, or perhaps not gay enough. He pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor charge of not being gay on August 8, 2007, in a Hennepenis County, Minnesota court. He paid $575 including fines and fees and really hoped the arresting officer would suck his peepee, but it didn't happen because Craig is not gay.
According to the report, the arresting officer sat in a bathroom stall as part of an undercover operation investigating previous reports of U.S. senators not being gay. Craig then entered the stall next to his.
The officer filed the following in his report of the incident as to what happened next:
At 1216 hours, Craig tapped his right foot to the beat of several Pet Shop Boys songs. I recognized this as a signal used by persons pretending to be gay. Craig tapped his toes several times and moves his penis closer to my penis... The presence of gays having anal sex all around us did not seem to deter Craig as he moved his right foot so that it touched the side of my left testicle which was within my stall area.
After several minutes of playing "footsies", Craig then proceeded to swipe his hand under the stall divider several times. The first time he held a piece of paper that had "DO" written on it. The second time he swiped his hand under the divider, he held a piece of paper that said "YOU" on it. On the next swipe, the paper read "WANT". On the following swipe, the paper read "SUCK". At that point Craig's stance was so wide that his right foot was in the officer's lap and the other was in the restroom sink. That is when the officer made the arrest, deciding that Craig was not gay enough and would have to announce his resignation and then not resign, so there.
According to the police report, at one point Craig handed the plainclothes sergeant who arrested him a business card that identified him as a hairdresser and said, "What do you think about that, Sweet Cheeks?"
In a press release on his website, Craig said that the officer misconstrued his actions, that he was not involved in any inappropriate conduct, and had failed to seek legal counsel: "In hindsight. Get it? Hind Sight. Sight of a 'hind'. You know like "behind". Anyway, I should not have plead guilty. I was trying to handle this matter myself quickly--or at least handle my Senate member quickly--and hoped nobody in the media would pick up on it." He later said of the event, "Like I'm the only guy in the Senate trying to suck dicks in restrooms."
As a result of this arrest, the Senator has removed himself from his role in Mitt Romney's 2008 presidential campaign and is currently supporting Richard Simmons in his race to the ballet.
Interview with Matt Lauer
On October 16th, 2007, Larry Craig and his wife were interviewed by Matt Lauer on some station or other. Lauer was stunned to find that, underneath the facade of a Senator struggling to hide the shame of being both gay AND from Idaho, there was someone who deserved even more pity than Larry Craig: his wife, Suzanne Craig.
Larry Craig: It's been a very emotional time for us, a very difficult time in some ways for our family and friends. And it's hard on--get it?--hard on me, not being able to cruise restrooms anymore without reporters accusing me of being gay.
Matt Lauer: Do you read everything? Do you listen to everything? Or do you try and put your hands over your ears and not take it in? Do you now have to limit yourself to jacking off to gay bath house videos on the internet, just to get away from the news?
Larry Craig: Yeah. Well, Matt, for a time I tried to take it in. Actually, I tried to take it in my ass. And then I must tell you, it became so aggressive and so distorted that I almost quit listening, but I kept taking it in.
Suzanne Craig: The Food Channel was a great thing--
Matt Lauer: You watched a lot of cooking shows over the last six weeks?
Suzanne Craig: Yes. Due my husband's sexual compulsiveness, I don't feel my eating disorder is getting enough attention from the press.
Craig then jumped Lauer's bones as Suzanne Craig, Meredith Vieira and Ann Curry had a three-way "on the plaza."
That pretty much says it all.
Capitol Bathroom Activity
Craig recently announced that he has developed close relationships with Lindsey Graham, Barney Frank, and David Dreier because he frequently sees them in the Capitol bathroom and enjoys tapping with them. His favorite tapping partner is Ted Haggard. Together, they put the "men" in "Amen." He also announced that he is buying a house in Provincetown along with Jim McGreevey and Mark Foley. He then said that he is not gay and will retire in 2014.
Freemason Lavatory Semaphore (FLS)
According to linguist Ethyl Mertz of Cornell, the senator was communicating in FLS, a code as old as civilization itself. This semaphore is famously illustrated in the mosaics of vomitoriums of the Roman Empire, notably in the Rectum Prolapsus bas relief in Cermalus. A kind of nonverbal dialect had been established for requesting bathroom amenities, or courtesies, or a knob gobble. "Often, the venue of the lavatory was the only safe place to talk at a time when spies and repression were widespread," says historian Emil Von Keester of the University of Schweinheim, "If you were detected, you were 'screwed.' But if you were not, you were also probably screwed. It depends on vat definition of screwed you vanted to talk about."