Lindsey Graham

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"A face as smooth as a criminal baby's bottom."
—John McCain on Lindsey Graham

Now stop this right here! By the time this article is finished, I will have changed my mind quicker than I slip off my pants and put on my Trump Golfing Slacks. Thank you for waiting. Where were you? You want to write about me?? I will get in first. You know what I thought about John McCain. Well that was yesterday. I have been remastered. That person who called Trump a "race-baiting, xenophobic, religious bigot"; well, that was me and wasn't me at the same time. I am like that cat. I can say two different things, inside and outside a television studio at the same time. I believe I am seriously blessed in that department.

Let me take a phone call.

Yep, Yep, Yep, Mar-a-Lago.

Where to begin?[edit]

So I want to be clear and transparent and honest. My name is Lindsey Graham. I was born in my home state on July 9, 1955. I am the re-elected Senator for North Korea South Carolina. I have a hide thicker than an elephant. I am a fiscal/Cold War Republican, well...I have flexed a bit as regards those positions. Remember that cat I talked about? Yes, life moves on, and into my world came Donald Trump. I was a Peeping Clarence Thomas, doubted everything, but then my golfing friend set me straight. I had respected John McCain until he died and then I moved on. I saw where my future lay. Head to the winning team, that's my motto. Make sure you ain't seen nothing either.

Sorry, another call. Yep, Yep, Yep, Eric Trump. I got that correct? Yep, Yep, Yep....I'll bring a plastic sheet.

Where do I stand?[edit]

Now that is a good question but not an accurate one. I am a politician which means where the wind blows, so do I. In that direction. My party had a change of wind in 2016 and I went along with it. I am a servant of my Republican Party. They chose Donald Trump to be their leader. My old mentor Sen. John McCain took stuff way too personally. As a Republican he should have been impervious to criticism from our president-to-be. But you know, the days in a Vietnam camp had melted McCain inside too much. He saw suffering and felt it. That was sad. He should have gone in my direction. His wife Cindy pushed John away from Donald. So when she joined that "Lincoln Project" rabble, I knew I had made the right decision. Oh wait. The phone again.

Nope, nope, nope. This isn't the office of the Secretary of State in Georgia. Sure you got the right place? You mean Ge-orgia or Geor-gia??'re not sure. I'll tell Lindsey you called. Goodbye.

Kooky Konservatism v. Conservative Cronyism[edit]

So you want to remind I said Trump was a kook. Did you check the spelling? I said Trump was a cook. Yes, Trump makes the best omelette I have ever tasted at one of his golf clubs. I don't know how he does it, but he does. Just because I have an accent, smarty pants people at CNN thought I said "Kook". They're wrong, always wrong.

So now that has been cleared, there is no such think as "Kooky Konservatives". Some of my Republican friends don't like Krispy Kreme because they're all woke and support socialism now. That's different. That there is what the liberals call "Crony Conservatism" and say that was why Trump placed family members and friends in important decisions. He had every right. The Trump family, except for the political traitor Mary Trmup, are all brilliant. Best family, even better the Kennedy family before and after they were shot. Even now greater than the Bush family. That pains me...oh wait. A text message now.

"Bring spoons and razors. TBYC DTJ." Hmmm...Not sure I understand that first bit. Oh...The Best is Yet to Come? Ahh dear Kimberly Guilfoyle. A born again Republican after sleeping with the Radical Democrat enemy. She has great insides on them. A future First Lady when Don Junior runs.

Why do I have a girl's name?[edit]

I don't! Is that your best shot? Now finish the article before I change my position again.

See also[edit]