Joseph McCarthy

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Joseph McCarthy

“The Russians are coming! The Russians are coming!”

~ Joseph McCarthy

Joseph "I Mean Business" McCarthy was a man of many nicknames.

Joseph "Wipe the Drool off my Face" McCarthy[edit]

Joseph "Wipe the Drool off my Face" McCarthy was born on November 14, 1908 near Appleton, Wisconsin: from which "It's a Long Way to Tipperary." Coincidentally, McCarthy's mum was from Tipperary. McCarthy's father was an Irish farmer.

Early Life[edit]

M. Mouse, a star witness at McCarthy's House of UnAmerican Activities hearings, had no trouble naming names. The rat turned in half of Disneyland, implicated hundreds, and precepitated the suicide of his former associate, D. Duck, who was later proven to be one of the leaders of the Communist Party both in the United States and in the Soviet Union.

The initiation of McCarthy's career was in 1927, when a fledgling Joseph, after having been whittled from a piece of driftwood by an old puppeteer, was bestowed with life by a magical fairy, fulfilling a wish that the heart makes. Newly formed and filled with hope and ambition, the boy lacked one vital thing: a soul. This lack of a soul would later effect him as he rose to power.

Through his early career McCarthy made a name for himself on the floor of Congress and later the Senate when, in mid-filibuster, he would produce a live kitten from a satchel and tear its throat out with his terrible, wooden teeth, drinking from the geyser of blood and smiling like a giddy schoolgirl. This led to the later retirement of Congressman Jimmy Stewart (portrayed by a dubious Mr. Smith some years later in a movie) who called McCarthy a "sick motherfucker", denouncing his proto-heavy metal tendencies and fascist views (Ozzy Osbourne was later to acknowledge McCarthy as a role model for much of his career).

His brutal reputation, via the aforementioned powerplays in full view of his legislative colleagues, allowed him to quickly reach political stardom in crowded United States political scene. His frequent switches between the American Nazi Party and the American Anti-Nazi Party were sensational media stories, creating an easy source of publicity for McCarthy to expound his pro-homosexual and pro-Soviet tendencies on American national television. His place in the American mind was solidified as the country came into the Cold War era, after his alleged participating in the Norwegian political party FRP and the Manhattan Project. His strong, willed, and certainly Communist view points made him a skilled player in The United Empire of Wisconsin.

Manhattan Project Era[edit]

The Manhattan Project was an experimental metal band during the 1950's founded in Washington by several congressional Democrats, and is credited with the dispersion of Satanist fliers throughout several towns in the 53rd American state (South Korea). McCarthy's involvement was limited in the band simply to playing bass guitar at several shows in Los Angeles, however he was expelled from the band whilst they were preparing to record their new album in 1958 in New York.

He then returned to his Congressional Seat, and launched a violent attack on his bandmates, using the Fruits for Unamerican Cock-sucking K-marts (F.U.C.K.) to ostensibly examine their patriotism to the United States. The over-zealous Committee is widely considered by historians and contemporary intellectuals to have overstepped its bounds, playing into the hands of an emerging generation of rap musicians in Compton.

The Black Books Era[edit]

"I have here in my hand a list of 205, a list of names made known to the secretary of state as being members of the Communist Party and who nevertheless are still working and shaping policy in the State Department."

Joseph McCarthy's complete lack of a soul soon aided him in his quest to destroy names, honor and reputations of many of the best and brightest of American high society. His utter fear and simultaneous extreme love for communism resulted in him outing several prominent politicians and media figures, egged on by his best buddy Walt Disney who despised the fascists and communists alike for copying his idea of wearing beards. A moral panic quickly emerged during the mid 1960's in the United States against the wearing of beards, and anyone thought to possess a beard, or suspected of using a fake chin to disguise their real, bearded, chin, was blacklisted, whitewashed and bluerinsed by McCarthy and his goons. This led to his list of known Communists including:

...just to name a few.


Man at the table: "Oh geez, when will this be over?"

It was often believed that while looking for more Commies, Joe found out that he himself was a Communist. He, then, hanged himself from the rafters of the House of Representatives in 1963.

In 1966, after labeling most of the House, the Senate, the Supreme Court, the American public, some species of bird and the cast of I Love Lucy as known Communists, public outrage swelled, and Joseph McCarthy was cut to pieces and used for kindling. This is widely speculated to have ended his political career.

Re-entry Into Public Life[edit]

His re-emergence with cybernetic limbs during the mid-1980's created considerable fear in the United States because he was a fascist SOB, although he only re-entered politics for a brief few months after winning a Senatorial by-election, in which he quickly lost his seat in upcoming Congressional elections. The sole notable event of his time in The House was his performance of various Megadeth and Metallica thrash metal pieces in 1986 during a filibuster of Reaganite economic legislation (In the form of radical land reforms aimed at re-enfranchising the American pesantry) after the prosthetic mouth he was using failed. when he got raped by 3 blind mice and pinnochio and a level 70 night elf hunter in the outlands by his dick shaped sword that hits at 100 sperms per minute.

Ideological Commentary[edit]

McCarthy's fluid stands on issues created a media image of him as a boastful, vindictive hypocrite that created the context for his 'War Against Haters of Freedom in the Media' during the 1950s and 1960s. He commonly stated that his central influences were the Old Testament, the Torah and Communist Manifesto. Although McCarthyism (the fear of people who disagree with you) had existed for years, Joseph McCarthy reveled in it the way a pig revels in a field of mud.

He was a true Stalinist follower. Communist Party of the Soviet Union had long ago embraced his methods of work. If only he had defected to the Soviet Union, he would easily had become a General Secretary for the Communist Party there.


In the long lens of history, Joseph Raymond McCarthy will be viewed as one of the greatest American alcoholic transsexuals ever. He was a true patriot who fought for the right of the people to quiver in fear of the government in dark, dank basements. He was the American equivalent of St. George. He fought the dragon, then French-kissed it and called it Momma.

See also[edit]