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This is blood. Stop licking the screen.

“Equivalent to 1 pint of sweat”

~ George S. Patton on a gallon of blood

“The tree of liberty must be refreshed with it”

~ Thomas Jefferson on the blood of tyrants

Blood is a slightly salty but infinitely thirst-quenching beverage. It was invented by Nivek Ogre of the musical jazz trio Skinny Puppy. It tastes like irony. It can be found in some people's urine. Raygen's blood is blue. He was thought to be the only human to have true blue blood until a fiar dinkum crocodile handler was stung by a ray.

Bathing in it can grant you eternal life (cf. Kool-Aid Man). According to some, so can drinking it (see Jesus Juice).

Blood can also dilute alcohol in the human body. The blood-to-alcohol ratio is usually less than 1%, unless you are of Russian descent, whose blood consists of a relatively large percentage of the element vodkum.

Blood is the ink of choice for businessmen and politicians, usually in the oil or defense industries, to sign contracts with other businessmen and politicians. Such signatures have red letters, and when the lawyers gather, these men spend entire days passing papers, which are called red-letter days.

Many Englishmen, however, have blue blood; and virtually all Vulcans bleed green. Homosexuals, on the other hand, have rainbow-colored blood (hence their prominent role in the Rainbow Coalition). Their blood changes colors upon contact with air. Some housewives murder homosexualls and harvest their blood so that they may dye their clothes in it. Pleasantly, this assures that no two women are wearing dresses of the same color at a party.

Blood types[edit]

This is what happens when you get fake blood and feed it to NORMAL vampires.

"Blood types" is a misnomer. Blood cannot type because it is a liquid and simply runs down the cracks in any standard keyboard, causing it to short-circuit by an overload of disgust. If blood really could type, would it not write to defend itself?

Turning now to types of blood, there are exactly five: Red, Yellow, Blue, Green and Sepia. These are further divided into the subgroups positive, negative, neutral, imaginary and compound, with random letters thrown in such as q or purple. The rarest blood group is Blue negative because it gives the largest mana boost. People with Yellow negative blood can only receive blood transfusions from themselves between the hours of midnight and 2am, and do not love Raymond. Each of these blood types is determined by their Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Factor ™ and can only be solved with the mystery decoder ring found within each box.

A more recent advance is the introduction of blood substitutes, which have a similar nutritional value to real blood, but with half the calories.

Other Bloods[edit]

The Bloods are also one of the Los Angeles, California street gangs. They identify themselves with a complicated color-based system of dress, and their gang symbol is that of a majestic unicorn descending from a rainbow-bannered cloud. The gang was originally formed by Black Jesus in order to combat the evil reign of the Crips (CKrabs) street gang. The Bloods are made up out of various sub-groups known as "huddles" or "splees" between which significant differences exist such as underwear type and breakdancing styles. Since their formation, the Blood gangs have branched out throughout the United States, and have even influenced youth movements using the same name in Malaysia and Antarctica (penguins).


Los Angeles was a horrifying place in the early 1970s. The notorious gangbanger, the Crypt Keeper (a.k.a. "Crip-Keepa") had allowed his criminal brotherhood known as the Crips to run wild. On August 3rd, 1970, a confused new Crips recruit accidentally huffed a newborn baby, leading to widespread civilian riots protesting the atrocities of the Crips. The woes caused by the Crip Empire were worldwide, but Black Jesus knew that he would have to smite the geographical core of the gang's operations in order to destroy them.

The Bloods were founded by Black Jesus and the Council of Bloods on May 27th, 1971. At the meeting, the assembled group discussed how to combat Crip intimidation, along with the creation of a new alliance to counter the Crips.

During this very first meeting, the original Bloods deciphered the deepest secret of the Crips, their so-called "color" system. During this session, they decided to create an equally complex coloring system that would unite them as an organization. It is not widely known why the name "Bloods" was chosen for the group. Black Jesus may have battled with the Crypt Keeper in the time before times, also before soft sentences of probation. The gang-bangers say Black Jesus poured the Keeper's blood into a large crystal vessel which he later animated with the soul of Booker T. Washington, and that this vessel lives on today in the form of Bloods charter member Kool-Aid Man (a.k.a. "Booka T").

Gang culture[edit]

Gang members communicate secretly with a complex system of finger, wrist, and limb contortions is used. Cultural anthropologist Nathan Lane coined the term "fingashizzle" to describe this system. Bloods members have killed passers-by who have inadvertently performed specific fingashizzle gestures. Picking one's nose thus often results in Bloods.

See also[edit]