Portrait of Sir Morgan Freeman, 2000
|Morgan Phineas Freeman IV
September 26, 1669
Mobile, Alabama, U.S.
|Voice actor, escape artist, politician, naturalist
Morgan Freeman is an esteemed African-American escape artist, naturist, politician, god, and voice actor. His career was delayed by his many years of incarceration during his youth, but upon gaining his freedom he proved to be a trailblazer in his many fields of work. Morgan Freeman doesn't have sex, when he smiles a baby simply appears in a field full of kittens. From the first time Morgan Freeman saw himself cry he became old, and he remained that way. When Morgan Freeman Farts, a black hole is created through which the infamous hawking radiation leaks which keeps Steven Hawking paralyzed so that he cannot escape his wheelchair and fulfill his evil plan to take over the world with Moon-wolves.
Morgan Freeman was born an old man and narrated his own birth. From an early age, his father taught him how to wriggle out of shackles and locked outhouses, thus instilling in him an innate knowledge of the art of escape. The family was itinerant, living in cities such as Jackson, Peoria, Cincinnati, Rochester, Fairbanks, Tijuana, Chicago, Orlando, Calgary, Guatemala City, and Tulsa.
At the age of 16, Freeman was arrested at a Civil Rights protest in Alabama, arguing that Negroes (as they were then called) should have a separate-but-equal right to breathe, along with white people. Freeman was arrested and convicted on the spot by a street judge, Judge Dredd, and thrown on a chain gang with Paul Newman. Freeman escaped 19 years later by showing Newman his "cool hand" trick, but was recaptured and placed in Maximum Security at the Shawshank Correctional Facility for Maladjusted Negro Youth.
While in jail, Freeman joined a radical gang affiliated with the infamous Pink Panther Party. He continued the work he began outside of prison, fighting for equal rights for all races, but especially African-Americans. Freeman took pride in his slave heritage and while in prison was quoted as saying that every odd year should be "Black History Year." The warden of Shawshank once described Freeman's cell as a shrine to Malcolm X and Chris Rock.
After numerous prison guard beat-downs and trips to solitary confinement in "the hole," Freeman finally decided to dig himself out from prison using a spoon. It took him years to do and forced him to trade uncomfortable favors with prison guards so they would turn a blind eye, but his determination knew no bounds. Freeman escaped and was free at last. He then spent the next four decades hiding as a fugitive in Zihuatanejo, Mexico.
Life in Mexico and Return to the United States
While in Mexico, Freeman was credited with inventing four particularly popular Mexican culinary dishes: the "Taco," the "Burrito," the "Enchilada," and the "Quesadilla." However, despite these successes, Morgan Freeman eventually grew tired of the gay sex life in Mexico, where he had become a Federale. Known as "Law and Order from South of the Border," Freeman also did not appreciate the death threats he would receive from drug cartel leaders. He therefore swam back across the Rio Grande river and re-entered the USA to begin his life anew.
Once in the USA, he took a series of menial jobs while he re-learned English and lost the foreign accent he had acquired. Still, he had trouble adjusting to American life "on the outside," and would often wear his Mexican police uniform in public, leading to run-ins with various street judges and the law. After many years of this, he was ready for a new phase and decided it was time to pursue his dream of being an actor in Hollywood.
Attempt at Stage Acting
Upon heading to Hollywood, Freeman immediately tried to break into acting. His one and only stage role came when he won the part of an ageless African-American vampire named "Blackula" in The Rocky Horror Picture Show. The play (and later, the movie musical) were both panned by reviewers; worse yet, audiences universally deplored the film. Freeman and his co-star from The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Tim Curry, were both typecast as blacksploitation and sexploitation actors, respectively. They both made a solemn pact never to show their faces in any movie again, although only Freeman kept his promise. Tim Curry went on to star in action-adventure movies such as The Three Musketeers and Driving Miss Daisy Wild.
In 1977, however, Freeman landed his second break when won the role of voice actor for the evil character, "Darth Vader," in the new space opera, Star Wars. He went on to voice Darth Vader in all of the following sequels, prequels, and over-kills during the next twenty years. During his voice-over career, his credits included the following:
- Star Wars Episode IV - A New Space Pope (Darth Vader)
- Star Wars Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back (Lord Vader)
- Star Wars Episode VI - Return of the Yeti (Darth Father)
- Star Wars Episode I - The Phantom Positive Reviews (Darth Vader's Brat 5-year-old son)
- Star Wars Episode II - The Cologne Wars (Darth Vader's Brat teenage son)
- Star Wars Episode III - Revenge of Agent Smith (Darth Vader's grown son/Darth Vader)
- Death March of the Harlequins (Narrator)
- Hotel California (Emcee / Lead Singer)
- Animal Planet: Baboonmania! (Narrator)
- Sore-shanker Redemption (Dr. Feel Good)
- Garfield: The Movie (Garfield)
- Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties (Odie)
In many situations, Morgan Freeman often appears to explain a complicated situation which makes everyone so goddamned relieved. When asked why he seemingly always appeared to relieve a situation, he calmly explained that every time he appeared to explain something, he earns a freckle.
In 1998, Freeman took a reprieve from the voice-acting business and got into hotel management. Traveling to his ancestral home in Rwanda, Africa, he opened a hotel just in time to become embroiled in a genocidal war between neighboring African tribes. He kept his hotel open during the strife and managed to shelter starving babies. In recognition, he was granted an honorary knighthood by Queen Elizabeth in Britain and henceforth was known as "Sir Morgan Freeman."
Sir Freeman also became a devout naturist. From 1999 until early 2000, he lived in Antarctica with a group of penguins, marching with them across the continent and helping them hatch and raise their young. During his year in the arctic cold, Sir Freeman is reported to have eaten only penguin meat and ice. He determined which ones to eat based on a monthly series of trials and tribulations. The losers would become his dinner, whilst the winners would continue to live for another day. He also arranged conjugal visits with his wife, Lady Gaga, whom he met on the icebreaker vessel Good Ship Lollipop.
Political Career and Presidency
After so many years of trivial pursuits, Sir Freeman decided to get back to his roots and advocate for political change. He joined the Republican Party and won the presidency of the United States and entered office in 2001, the first black man ever to do so.
He immediately packed the Supreme Court with black supremacists, shocking his right-wing political base and decreasing his popular appeal among the general public. He also created a secret agency, the Men in Black, to advance the agenda of African-American rights through any means necessary, including clandestine violence. Many pundits blamed his extreme ideology formed during his decades as an underground member of the Pink Panther Party while in prison. Sir President Freeman further surprised voters when he painted the White House black and moved it to Antarctica "so it would really stand out." If nothing else, he inherited a wartime economy in shambles, so it remains to be seen how history will weigh in on his presidency.
Little is known of Sir President Freeman's personal life, beyond his love of imitating voices and talking about a "Black Utopia." It is unknown whether he ever had children; however, he did give generously to the Fat Albert Foundation during the 1980's, leading to speculation that Fat Albert may in fact have been his son.
Death (Kind of)
During an international fundraiser at the home of Nelson Mandela in 2002, Sir President Freeman was using Nelson Mandela's Bathroom when he was forcefully ejected by Charlie Sheen and Lady Gaga, who were also guests of the event and who had their own private use for the bathroom. Freeman sustained fatal injuries in the altercation and was pronounced brain dead on arrival at Cape Town Adventist Hospital. He has finally healed, and continues his career, humanitarianism, and activism today.
Upon accepting his role as God, his soul has developed many abilities, including, but not limited to, omnipresence, mind reading, and, most astonishingly, the ability to finish a lollipop without biting it once. Thus far, he has rarely demonstrated this ability publicly.
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