Hotel California

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The only picture known to exist of the mysterious hotel, taken from a complimentary postcard found in one of the night stands in the mid-1970s.

“Such a lovely place”

~ Oscar Wilde on the Hotel California

“Of course we remember it! One of our band members died there with Keith Moon thanks to their damn Pink Champagne!”

~ The Mamas and the Papas on the Hotel California

The Hotel California is an exclusive hideaway located in California, in a secluded Pacific Coast location. Despite being relatively well known as a hotel, surprisingly little is known about it. According to limited accounts from former guests, it is apparently located on a dark desert highway, free from the pressures of the daily world.


To preserve the privacy of the hotel's guests, the hotel's location and directions to the hotel are available only on request. However, it is known that the smell of colitas is known to be in the air when one is near. Some have also pointed to the fact that one will have a cool wind in their hair when near. This has not been proven, and is likely false. This is due to the fact that the year of the account in question (1976) was a notoriously bad La Niña year, so this cool wind is likely coincidental. Upon arrival, the bellhop does not ring a handbell, as is custom. Instead, the hotel's genuine mission bell (casted in 1735!) tolls to signal guests' arrival. This feature is known for spurring mixed feelings among its guests, with one anonymous guest saying "I was thinking to myself this could be Heaven or this could be Hell."


The staff is a very relaxed bunch, very friendly to strangers except they apparently never stop saying "Welcome to the Hotel California. Such a lovely place. Such a lovely face. Plenty of room at the Hotel California. Any time of year, you can find it here." This consists of dancers, singers, the manager himself (dubbed "The Captain", as he supplies the hotel with Captain Crunch cereal), and the manager's wife, who possesses her own entourage of dancers and an expensive Mercedes-Benz.


In order to ensure that guests enjoy a stress-free stay, there are no telephone, fax or other telecommunication services offered at the hotel, and guests must leave portable telecommunication devices at home. All guests are encouraged to bring their own alibis. Additionally, the staff in the Hotel California pride themselves for their attention to detail in serving their guests well, any time of year. In fact, according to one employee, "[they] are programmed to receive."[1]


A rendering of the type of champagne served by the hotel, which is sold in both "Iced Pink" and "Non-iced Standard" varieties

There is a house band, which plays every night going between the names "Commodore Perry" and "The Boxer Rebellion". This band, generally playing in the hotel's rather prominent courtyard, has been named as the "Most Danceable Musical Act" three years in the row by Lionel Irving of The Onion. Said Irving, "Their eclectic musical tastes permit dancing of any sort, be it to remember or to forget." However, be sure to keep in mind they are known for keeping irregular hours, and at times the housekeeping staff will wake you in the middle of the night just to hear them sing.

The hotel is well known for its mirrored ceiling, and the freely available pink champagne, usually served on ice.

William Hung is known to smoke pot at the front gate while singing Vanilla Ice.

Meals are served in the "Master's Chamber" - a 5 star common-area restaurant. The chef's special is usually "Feast of Beast". This dish is usually served live, and it has been known to have been difficult to kill, despite the fancy and expensive silverware used by the hotel.[2]

Check out[edit]

The hotel has a very relaxed check-out policy. Unlike most hotels, you can check out any time you like. However, according to the nightman, you can never leave. At this point, the nightman lets this point sink in by taking out his trusty electric guitar and playing a lengthy guitar solo. This solo, which many a guest say is among the best they have ever heard, includes a notable arpeggiated chord section in the end[3]. Minimum stay is one night. First night is free. Regular nightly tariff applies afterwards. Tariff is available for consultation the next day at 12:00 noon.


The staff of the Hotel California have been criticized by some as of late, with the aforementioned Mr. Irving saying that that they "haven't been in good spirits since the late 1960's, at latest 1969." Also, some politically conservative commentators have criticized the Hotel California as well. They allege that it has a bad influence on today's children, with Ann Coulter saying in part in his/her latest book that the Hotel and its guests advocate nothing but "hedonism, drug use... and spreading Liberal slander." [4] Indeed, many a scholar has acknowledged Hotel California's incredible influence on the voting public, with noted intellectual Gore Vidal claiming that "it is likely that some people voted for [United States President] Obama merely because their favorite Hotel California guest endorsed him." The Hotel itself has had limited comments on these accusations, with its unnamed female spokesperson saying, "Calm down, we are just a popular Hotel. We are not responsible for our guests views/ actions, we just draw them in and take their money. Besides, we are all just prisoners here, of our own device."


  1. This quote, among others, is the instigator to rumors that all of the hotel's staff are actually robots. While the hotel has consistently denied these accusations, it is interesting that not long after the demise of the ill-fated WestWorld theme park, the Hotel's official newsletter reported that "[they] are proud to announce the Hotel California's staff size has increased threefold, but... please do not question their appearance, or pattern of speech."
  2. This same silverware, made of mainly stainless steel, was bought as a subtle "thank you" for popular rock band Steely Dan. Steely Dan, of course, are known for giving the hotel publicity, as one of their songs contains the lyrics, "Let's go to the Hotel California, the neighbors are watching!"
  3. Some guests have said that the captain who serves the Hotel's cocktails accompanies the nightman on rototoms, although this has not been proven.
  4. Ms. Coulter went on to criticize even the smallest parts of the hotel, including the nightman's guitar solo. She said in part that "the guitar solo is not as good as the ones played at the "Time" hotel, "Money" hotel, or even the "Stairway to Heaven" hotel, and even that stopped being cool after 1985."

See also[edit]