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Homo sapiens dramaticus

“The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Actors

Origins of Homo sapiens dramaticus[edit]

It has long been held in Darwinian theory that at some point in the dawn of mankind a genetic split occurred with the human genome of a species that survived by imitating other lifeforms around them such as plants and animals. The theory is still held to this day that this was in some way to enable the survival of ordinary man in the primeval, predator hungry world. As time progressed, and man learned to hunt and farm the land, the species fell into rapid decline and were reduced to very small numbers, performing re-enactments of everyday events they witnessed around them, and generally making fools of themselves. The fact that they survived to this day is still somewhat of a mystery genetically, as it was particularly noted in early historical texts that this section of the human race had very peculiar homosexual tendencies.

Research Notes on Attributes[edit]

Aside from the main attributes inherited from Homo sapiens (such as male/female/two legs/eyes etc.) a number of curious survival quirks were noted by scientists observing current specimens in the wild. One of the more curious attributes was a tendency to perform mating rituals in the company of either sex; this was more so noted in members of the male sex. Also, when put in the dark, they almost always went straight to sleep seemingly unable to function normally in darkness.

The researchers then subjected the specimens to bright artificial lights, where upon the specimens started a fast grooming ritual and started communicating with people around them in human speech patterns about scripts, camera angles, audiences, "what's new with you", and moaning while drinking coffee. However, researchers also noticed these questions tended to differ between subspecies. Actual specimens of the original, it seems, are rare.


Evidence in ancient texts recorded by such luminaries as Oscar Wilde and William Shakespeare, that Homo sapiens dramaticus may have produced some subspecies to greatly improve its chances of survival. It is feared that these subspecies have indeed already mixed bloodlines with the main Homo sapiens species and greatly reduced its chances of normal survival.

H. s. dramaticus mimicus It is currently being argued that a genetic fault at some time in the iron age spawned the subspecies now identified as H. s. mimicus - the silent actors who believed they were constantly surrounded by walls, and appear curiously to have lost the ability to communicate vocally with their fellow humans.

H. s. overdramaticus Another subspecies that appeared around the turn of the 20th century, particularly suited to cameras and artificial lighting. it is thought they first appeared in California, the home of Hollywood, though evidence also suggests sightings in London, England also around that time.

H. s. theatricus Thought to have appeared around William Shakespeare's time , this particular species has the curious habit of dressing in ancient costume and attempting to proclaim things to any area where there is a crowd of people, and they call these crowds "Audiences". It has been theorised that Shakespeare was in fact to blame directly for the appearance of this species and adds water to the theory that William Shakespeare was in fact a member of the Illuminati, and they deliberately wished the appearance of this species in order to serve a bigger plan.

H. s. comedicus This particular sub-genus seems to be locked into the curious idea that they are in fact funny, and that others laughing at them is a good thing, even though they are making absolute fools of themselves. They are particularly prone to other species of human predators such as Homo sapiens mediacircus (aka "the press"), and members of this species are rare due to frequent culls by the media.

Sightings in History[edit]

There are a few people who were discovered with much alarm to be members of the species; these include such well known names as:

Future of the Species[edit]

It seems possible now today that this species is in fact growing in numbers around the planet, though whether this growth is in line with general population growth of the Human species is still speculative. It is only a matter of time before their numbers get so great that cults could be called for in order to maintain a balance of species.

Charles Darwin predicts the actor will go the way of the Neanderthal, and try to stone us to death before being mummified by the blinking bat.

See also[edit]