Star Wars

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The corporate logo slapped onto the beginning of all Star Wars films. Gaze upon its power and beauty, and tremble. TREMBLE!

“It's a trap!”

~ Admiral Ackbar on the shameless commercial scam that is George Lucas's (and later Disney's) endless flood of Star Wars merchandise

Star Wars is a mucho popular American epic space opera franchise that began as movies and spun off into endless cheesy merchandise. Arthouse indie filmmaker George Lucas, notable for such films as THX 1138, American Graffiti, and Jar Jar's Electronic Labyrinth, took it upon himself to create Star Wars which would go on to become bigger than Jesus. The first film made was simply titled Star Wars, also known as Star Wars: Episode IV: Chapter Four: First Movie Filmed by Fourth Chronologically: A New Hope: Volume 4: Movie: Chapter Volume: Episode: Star Wars: A New Hope: Star Wars:, Episode IV, A New Hope, and That Movie You Like With the Glowing Laser Swords. Later installments of the series were produced by Disney.

The incredible Star Wars storyline is set a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, and centers on the conflict between the "light side" and the "dark side" of a magic substance called the Force. It has it all: action, adventure, romance, and explosions. Lots and lots of big explosions. All this is set in space: the final frontier ... to boldly go where no man has gone before.

The Star Wars films have grossed billions of dollars and won a total of sixty Academy Awards, the most for any series in film history. In fact, in 1983, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences made the unheard-of move of bestowing its coveted Best Picture award as a tie between two movies in this series that had come out recently.


Original trilogy

Pursued across the galaxy by Imperial star destroyers such as this one, our heroes must ... do something.

So, there's the original movie, simply titled Star Wars (also known as Episode IV: A New Hope, but only to those pretentious jerks who like to pretend they know about Star Wars but don't even care about the real Star Wars like I do). It is a period of civil war. Also, it is a period of galactic unrest, and um ... the bad guys are fighting the good guys. There are lasers, and cool explosions and stuff, so ... yeah ... I forget exactly what happens next, since I went upstairs at this point to grab my popcorn. We see a dashing young man named Luke Skywalker go on a quest to become a "Jedi" or something. He saves Princess Leia, doesn't fight the villain Darth Vader, and makes the big bad Death Star explode.

Anyway, the other original trilogy movies can be summarized rather quickly. In The Empire Strikes Back, Darth Vader is Luke's father. No, he wasn't dead. Yes, he's Luke's father. Yes, Obi-Wan was lying. Yes, Vader is Luke's father. Yes, Darth had sex with Luke's mommy and nine months later a baby came out who grew up on Tatoo ... Tatoo ... that dry planet and was named Luke. In other words, Darth Vader was Luke's goddamn father!! Really.

In Return of the Jedi, Luke goes to the "New Death Star", which I assume was like "New Coke", and vastly inferior to the original. There, Luke fights Darth Vader one last time. Did I mention that said Darth Vader is Luke's father? He is. Anyways, Luke wins, Vader dies, and so does the Emperor, because Darth throws him off a cliff into some giant pit-thing, which apparently leads to something bad, and/or something he would not survive hitting at terminal velocity. Luke buries Darth Vader, who I should probably mention is Luke's father. This is the end of the series. Well, not really.

Prequel trilogy

The Star Wars prequels, released much later than the original trilogy, follow the life of a young Anakin Skywalker. We watch as he blossoms from a young child, full of hope and a sense of adventure, to a whiny teenager with a temper issue. He falls in love with Queen Padmé Amidala of Naboo. Apparently, she cheated on him with Obi-Wan, because one day Anakin gets really angry at both of them all of a sudden. He chokes Padmé (with the Force, because I guess he can do that now) and attacks Obi-Wan. Needless to say, this upsets Obi, who, after trying to "talk things out", chops off all of Anakin's arms and legs and pushes him into a giant lava pit.

Luckily, Anakin seems to have rolled for +17 and is impervious to blood loss, post-traumatic shock, lava melting, and immobility due to lack of bodily appendages. He slowly worms himself out of the lava in what could only be described as an amusing display of a pathetic attempt to move. The Emperor finds him, and, from what I can tell, turns him into a robot, and Darth Vader is born, completing the prequels.

Oh, and I should probably say the prequels are lame. That's what all the real Star Wars fans say, and I feel that I am finally ready to join their ranks, as I have seen (parts of) almost every Star Wars movie! So yeah, fuck the prequels! I mean, seriously George. "Jar Jar is the key to all this"? What does that even mean?

Sequel trilogy

Despite its being thirty-plus years since the end of the terrible evil Galactic Empire – which the good people of the Rebel Alliance sweated blood and tears to defeat after many losses – it seems a really great idea to all the people of the New Republic to grow complacent in the memory of this evil and essentially let the remnants of the Empire coalesce into what is now the First Order. That way, the Republic is able to save money by not funding any fleets or self-defense forces and paving the way for evil to once again take over. After all, why remember the past at all? It's not like there's anything to learn by realizing the evil forces if left unchecked ever could present a threat again. By the way, those Resistance people are idiots for even trying to fight the First Order, so let's definitely not fund them or rescue them at all at any point in the movie. Great idea!

Somehow, no one noticed that Plotkiller Base had been built, a construction operation which would have taken the resources of innumerable engineers, scientists, workers, and the resources of an Empire, probably more so since it was built into a planet itself. It makes sense that while all the previous versions of the Republic were able to keep close watch and discover all the previous Death Stars they would simply forget about this notion and not keep close watch again for any other weapons of this type. It really makes perfect sense when you think about it. Yes, forgetting about the past is the best defense against evil, so let's just stick our heads in the sands like ostriches, shall we?

Thirty years after the Empire was taken down by a whiny teenager and a bunch of midgets in teddy bear costumes, the dark side is still alive and kicking. Supreme Leader Snokey the Bear has constructed an enormous mcguffin capable of powering entire plotlines. Luke Skywalker has gone missing in action, and despite Han and Leia's efforts – putting up "Missing Jedi" posters all over Coruscant, buying space on the side of blue milk cartons to display Luke's face on – he has not been found. However, a young woman named Rey from the desert planet of Jakku comes across a piece of a map to Luke's location in a droid, which was a good idea, because the rebels have never made a habit of putting vital information into droids in the past. Oh, and Rey is totally Luke's daughter, or Han's daughter, or Obi-Wan's nephew's granddaughter or something, because literally everybody is related to everybody else in this goddamn franchise.

Along for the ride is Cameron Poe (played by Nicholas Cage, who reprises his role from the 1997 action film Con Air), and Token. These three heroes must find the rest of the map to Luke Skywalker, sold separately in select Lucky Charms cereal boxes at your local supermarket. Collect all six maps! But unfortunately for our heroes, Han and Leia's emo son is after the map as well, and once he finally comes out of his bedroom, nothing will stand in his way. His dad totally, like, doesn't understand him at all, so he kills him.

Oh, and I should probably say the sequels are even lamer than the prequels. That's what all the realest Star Wars fans say, and I feel that I am finally ready to join their ranks as a member of the rebel resistance against Disney's shill media empire. You have failed me for the last time Star Wars!


The purportedly "anachronistic" 1970s special effects

In 1973, George Lucas had an idea. Not an idea as simple as one that you or I might have, of course, as the idea was not had by you or me. It was had by George Lucas. Yes, George Lucas, already the brilliant mastermind behind such works as American Graffiti, but who really cares about that, anyway? He made fucking STAR WARS!!

Well, he made six of them as to separate all this into chapters of a serial since this way, he realized he could make more money and draw a larger audience if he stretched this out. All he wanted to do was special effects, and making movies was his way of making BILLIONS along with his special effects. This six-part saga was going to be a nine-part series, but even Lucas himself got fed up with this damn thing.

Well, he had this idea, and he made his movie(s). A movie which took place a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away ... It is a period of civil war. Rebel spaceships, striking from a hidden base have ... etc., etc., DEATH STAR!!, etc., Princess Leia, etc., save her people and restore freedom to the galaxy!!


Star Wars easily outranks George Washington as the USA's most important person ever.

As soon as Star Wars was released, it instantly fell under a constant waterfall of acclaim and praise. Of course, the movie came out in 1977, so no evidence of this praise actually exists today. Still, anybody who was anybody went to see Star Wars, and then went home to tell everyone how awesome it was. Star Wars is also considered one of the first "high concept" movies, which, despite having absolutely no idea what that means, I will mention here. Even today, it is praised as one of the best science fiction movies of all-time, by critics such as myself, as I am now an expert on the movie, having just watched it.

One of the things critics praise about the movie is its intricate symbolism. For example, did you know that the seemingly outdated 1970s special effects are actually symbolic of the internal, emotional battles of man? They are. Not only that, note the numerous, supposedly unintentional holes in the plot where the movie seems "inconsistent" to the untrained eye. These represent the chaos of modern society, and indeed the entire universe, as Lucas saw it in his artistic mind's eye at the time.

Still Star Wars's symbolism proved to be accessible enough for both the "Average-Joe" moviegoer and the wolf-like critics, who gaze intently at the screen, waiting ... waiting for a flaw to exploit, and an excuse to destroy any chance the movie had for ever making any money and ruining a director's credibility, all in one fell swoop. Damn you, critics! Why? WHY??? Luckily, Star Wars was basically perfect on every cinematic level, so no critics anywhere disliked it, and Lucas's credibility remained intact. Well, until the sequels, at least ...


Sequels, prequels, novels, comics, video games, toys, spin-offs, spoofs, and what little credibility the franchise has left

Lucas's (and later Disney's) ethical dilemma.

In the beginning, there was only one Star Wars. Of course, after such a success, fans and the faceless Hollywood corporations wanted more. The fans, so they can pretend their boring lives are action-y and explosion-riddled for even more hours; the corporations, so they can leech money off of said fans until there is nothing left to take and they control all the money. (If they control the money they control the spice, and if they control the spice they control the universe.) Still, this left Lucas with only one option: numerous sub-par prequels and sequels!

Well, the next two original trilogy movies, also known as the second and third movies made, also known as the fifth and sixth episodes, weren't really that bad. It was the first and second prequels, also known as the fourth and fifth movies made, also known as the first and second episodes, that really sucked. The third and final prequel, also known as the sixth and final movie made, also known as the third episode, was largely unnoticed. Supposedly it didn't suck, but by the time it came out, everyone had lost all faith in the Star Wars franchise, and none of my friends ever even mentioned it at lunch. Then you have Disney's first, second, and third sequels, also known as the seventh, eighth, and ninth movies made, also known as the seventh, eighth, and ninth episodes, which have ultimately desecrated the corpse of this beloved franchise, and none of my friends even mention Star Wars anymore period, now they're more into Marvel movies.


For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Star Wars.

After the Star Wars saga allegedly ended in 2005 with Revenge of the Sith, many fans became depressed, as they had nothing left to look forward to in life except reissues of countless Special Edition DVDs and Blu-rays with a new stupid piece of CGI put in which would add very little to the movie and only make fans roll their eyes every time. By 2012, it seemed that Lucas was also getting down on his luck; for the last thirteen years the angry villagers of the Internet rallied pitchforks and torches against him online for the Special Editions and prequels. St. George desired further riches to support his seven food court meals a day, and to sit atop his mountain of dollars bathing in his hoard of golden treasure. Then he hatched an idea – a dastardly idea! Lucas had a wonderful, dastardly idea! "I know just what to do," Lucas said slithering and flapping his wings, his tongue flicking as he ate noodles and sipped a Diet Coke. He chuckled from his oversized frog-like goiter and belched fire, "What a great bitchin' trick! If I sell Star Wars to Disney, I'll be a rich peacenik!"

So George unexpectedly sold Star Wars to the automatons over at Disney, for a heart-stopping $4.05 billion. It was with these newfound riches that George donated to charity and education, built affordable housing on his Skywalker Ranch, and financed sculptures made out of chicken fat before eating them. Disney then announced three new Star Wars sequel trilogy films to be produced in the future, and hired J.J. "The Jet Plane" Abrams to direct the first new sequel, Episode VII: A New Hope Redux The Force Awakens. Abrams brought to the table his usual Michael Bay-esque action and explosions combined with a touch of Spielbergian wide-eyed sentimentality.

Fan enthusiasm for The Force Awakens was high, bolstered by their knowing that Lucas wouldn't be writing or directing this installment. Unfortunately, said enthusiasm waned when the fans actually saw the movie, and realized it was nothing more than a corny, soulless clone of A New Hope, injected with $306 million dollars worth of Disney's cursed Aztec gold. Come back, George; all most some is forgiven! This was not helped by the subversive travesty that was Episode VIII: The Last Jedi, a tonal shift too far directed by Rian "Brick Looper" Johnson, or the existence of /r/prequelmemes, created by nostalgia-blind Millennials, that have made people love the prequels and turn on Disney movies. Now Disney is scrambling to get J.J. back for Episode IX: Rise of Skywalker, with the guy who wrote Justice League writing script, a surefire sign that the movie will be good.


Disney has also produced anthology films, such as Rogue One which shows the origins of the Death Star plans, and Solo which shows the origins of Han Solo. After the nine-part main saga wraps up, Rian Johnson will also directed his very own Star Wars trilogy, with McG and Kenny Hotz penning the scripts; McG and Hotz have promised, in unison, to make the new films "bigger, better, and sexier than the Skywalker Saga. Loyalty to Disney. Loyalty to the brand." Disney has also announced plans to produce a Star Wars squeakquel, making Star Wars Episode SQUEAK: The Squeakquel the second ever squeakquel in history, after Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel. The film will star Larry the Cable Guy as Skippy the Jedi Droid, who goes on an adventure to Tosche Station to pick up those famed power converters.

In 2019, Disney produced The Mandalorian as a killer app for their Disney Plus streaming service. The series takes place five years after the events of Return of the Jedi and follows a Mandalorian (that's Boba Fett's species, FYI) bounty hunter beyond the reaches of the New Republic. The series became popular due to Internet memes of Baby Yoda, to the point where even New Jersey adopted Baby Yoda as their Twitter profile picture.

Critical acclaim of the other stuff

Despite being massive, epic failures (on the "entertainment" level), the Star Wars prequels and sequels made Lucas and Disney a lot of money, furthering Lucas, Disney, and their puppet-masters' plans to "control the world". Not only that, the original trilogy movies are regarded by everyone as some of the best movies of all-time. At least I assume so; I thought that one I saw was pretty good. Way better than Big Momma's House 2.

Anyway, The Empire Strikes Back and to a lesser extent Return of the Jedi are testaments to the fact that some movie directors can make follow-ups that don't suck – they just choose not to. The newer prequels and sequels, meanwhile, show that sometimes you just can't win 'em all. More than any other symbolism in these, there is this: quit while you're ahead. George Lucas and Bob Iger have never said anything smarter. After all, I would know.

See also

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