List of Star Wars films
- This article is about all the Star Wars films. For a list of the television series, see List of Star Wars television series.
George Lucas originally released Star Wars in 1977 as a stand-alone film. However, once it was clear that people were actually going to pay money to watch it, he made it into a trilogy. Apart from these three original films — the OG Trilogy, if you will — he made a prequel trilogy in the late '90s/early 2000s.
In 2012, Disney acquired the rights to Lucas' six films, and manically expanded the Star Wars universe, aware that, to fully experience the world of Star Wars, you will need to watch everything. Maybe multiple times.
It is important to watch them in a strict time sequence. Watching a later film before an earlier film will be baffling, and will also give away things such as that Princess Leia is Luke's sister. This is the list of all Star Wars live-action and animated films.
The Prequel Trilogy[edit]
These movies are the ones with the earliest dates, though they are not the ones with the earliest production dates. Think of it as a sort of a time-warp.
- Act 1: The Phantom Menace
This is the first film you will need to watch. After all, it's literally titled Episode I. We are introduced to our main characters, and it will set up the entirety of the Star Wars saga.
Li'l Annie Sky is a rapper on Tatooine who gets into a drag race to help Jedi Knights Qui-Gon Gin (played by a drunk Liam Neeson) and Obi-One Kenobi, and the child Queen of Naboo. After winning the drag race, which turned out to be a cross-dressing drag race and not a pod-racing drag race, Jake Lloyd (the child actor playing Anakin Skywalker) was bullied in real life. A giant battle on Naboo against robots and Gungans erupts and Anakin goes shoot shoot, bang bang in space. At the end of the film, he is accepted into the Jedi cult as a padawan.
- Snakes on a Ship
- Main article: Star Wars: Snakes on a Ship
While Jedi Master Mace Windu is taking the Coruscant Public Bus to work, the Jedi Temple, the ship is over-run by space snakes.
- Act 2: Attack of the Clones
Episode II takes place ten years after The Phantom Menace, and four years after Snakes on a Ship.
Anakin is all grown up and has now left his rapping career to be a full-time Jedi. Jango Fett has cloned himself with the help of some tall alien people. His clones — Tango Fett, Mango Fett, Fango Fett, Kango Fett, Rango Fett and Pango Fett, as well as his son Boba Fett who is technically still a clone of himself, just younger — go and cause some trouble. Obi-Wan finds out about this and instead uses Jangos' clones to create an army for the Republic. Boba watches Mace 'Motherfucking' Windu slices his father's penis off, which kills the Bounty Hunter, setting up Boba's backstory for the rest of the Star Wars timeline. At the end of the film, Yoda tells you what you should watch next.
- The Clone Wars
The Clone Wars is set after the Clones attack, and is a prequel to the TV series of the same name. Most characters from this movie show would later show up in other animated shows, and later on, in the live-action ones.
Ahsoka Tano kidnaps Jabba The Hutt's son, after he was already kidnapped by Count Dooku, and before being kidnapped by Cad Bane dressed as a Jedi. The movie makes no sense, Ahsoka is annoying, and it's poorly animated. SKIP!
- Act 3: Revenge of the Sith
Set three years after Episode II, but also right after/during Season 7 of The Clone Wars, you will now watch Revenge of the Sith.
Anakin and Obi-Wan rescue Palpatine, who they still don't know is a Sith Lord, even though A New Hope came out in 1977 and this in 2005. While Obi-Wan fights General Grievous, a lightsaber wielding half-octopus robot, Anakin is turned to the dark side and becomes Darth Vader. Obi-Wan roasts the shit out of Anakin in an epic rap battle on Mustafar, and Padme gives birth to Luke and Leia — who end up doing incest porn years later.
The Lost Years[edit]
- Solo
Han Solo makes his first appearance (chronologically), as do Chewbacca and Woody Harrelson. Han is an Imperial soldier and he meets Chewbacca in a sewer whilst looking for food. They join Woody's gang and go off to rob a train. Woodys' wife dies, setting up Venom 2. They then go work for Vision (reprised by Paul Bettany from the Marvel movies) and Hans' ex-girlfriend Kira but with a "Q" and an apostrophe. Vision is killed, setting up WandaVision — so Qi'ra takes over and it turns out that Darth Maul was behind the whole thing the entire time, which wouldn't be a surprise to you, 'cause you did watch The Clone Wars, right? So you know that Maul survived and formed a criminal empire, right?
- Rouge One
Rouge One, not Rogue One, follows an unnamed man and a woman who seems to be always blushing, as they go off to steal the Death Star plans. They succeed, but die.
- Son of a Gungan
- Main article: Star Wars: Son of a Gungan
Obi-Wan Kenobi and Jar Jar Binks team up one final time for a heist in the land Down Under.
The Original Trilogy[edit]
- Act 4: A New Hope
The movie now known as A New Hope was not released under that name, as World War I wasn't either. You didn't know there would be another, or in the case of the war you guaranteed everyone there would not be another (if you were Woodrow Wilson). In fact, Luke Skywalker was not A New Hope; he was the only hope. Princess Leia even left a voice-mail to that effect, inside a 'droid, encrusted in sand.
- Blade Runner
- Main article: Star Wars: Blade Runner
Han Solo has to track down a group of violent (an)droids when Chewbacca is hospitalised after an attempted mugging.
- Mutiny on the Falcon
- Main article: Star Wars: Mutiny on the Falcon
The events of Blade Runner seem to have traumatised Han Solo, as he promptly accuses the entire crew of the Millennium Falcon of stealing or hiding his strawberries, which don't even grow well in the sand dunes of Tatooine.
- Act 5: The Empire Strikes Back
This movie is about the Empire striking back, given that the triumphant destruction of the Death Star at the end of A New Hope did not not destroy the Empire nor even set it back significantly. A CGI resembling Obi-Wan Kenobi sends Luke to study at the feet of a furry named Yoda who is supposed to know more about the Force than he knows about English word order. At the end of the film, we find out that everyone is related, not unlike a town meeting in Maine. It's important that you see all the preceding films without knowing this. Also, Boba Fett returns, who was last seen in The Clone Wars.
- Star Fiction
- Main article: Star Fiction: A Star Wars Story
Boba Fett and Darth Vader discuss what a Quarter-Pounder with cheese is called on Tatooine.
- Act 6: Return of the Jedi
The film depicts Han Solo trying to return Luke Skywalker to a Kmart store for a refund. It introduced the Ewoks, earning critics' condemnation as a cheap attempt to tug at viewers' heartstrings with Animatronic furries, as though they had not seen it work like a charm with Yoda. Nevertheless, the chase scene in the forest deftly combined My Little Pony and Easy Rider.
The Nyquil Trilogy[edit]
The next few flicks are referred to using Nyquil — because they turned out to be a much better sleep aid than fiction.
- Call of the Star Wars
- Main article: Call of Duty: Star Wars
In the first crossover of the Star Wars saga, Captain Price and Frank Woods from the Call of Duty: Modern Warfare and Black Ops games team up with some Special Forces Space Marines in this blockbuster action movie.
- The Deathly Hallows: Part 2
- Main article: Star Wars: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2
There is no need to watch the other seven Harry Potter films to understand the whole Star Wars timeline besides from The Deathly Hallows: Part 2 as Disney made the other seven non-canon in 2016, however, in order to fully understand Star Wars: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 you will have needed to watch The Deathly Hallows: Part 1 and the other six Harry Potter films, and also the three Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them films for good measure.
- To Catch a Vader
- Main article: Star Wars: To Catch a Vader
Chris Hansen sits down with the Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Vader, after he was caught chatting to much older senators online.
- Heir to the Book
- Main article: Star Wars: Heir to the Book
Grand Admiral Thrawn has a bad acid trip; in which he goes from being a written character in a novel, to an animated character in a boring show, to his live-action glory in an over-hyped show, and then finally dying in a movie made by some Avatar.
The Sequel Trilogy[edit]
- Act 7: The Force Awakens
The title is misleading! How does the Force awake, if it's not alive, hence not being able to even sleep in the first place?
Rey and Finn (an ex-First Order Stormtrooper) join the Resistance and meet Han Solo and Chewbacca out of sheer convenience to the plot. Kylo Ren — the son of Luke and Leia, who turned to the dark side due to the incest mutation gene — is after Rey, as he is horny for Daisy Ridley. They blow up the third Death Star — I mean, Starkiller Base — and Rey finishes a jigsaw puzzle that Luke had left behind in R2-D2 that showed where he had gone.
- Act 8: The Last Jedi
Rian Johnson comes in and fucks everything up.
- Lightsabers Out
- Main article: Star Wars: Lightsabers Out
The first murder mystery in Star Wars. Daniel Craig reprises his role as Detective Stormtrooper from The Force Awakens to find out who was behind the murder of Supreme Leader Snoke.
- Act 9: The Rise of Skywalker
Skywalker doesn't rise. Palpatine returns, ruining the entirety of the Original Trilogy. Han Solo becomes a force ghost, despite not even being force sensitive. Rey takes a last name that doesn't belong to her, as well as a yellow lightsaber that only Jedi Temple Guards are supposed to have. Thank God that Star Wars is over now! Disney can no longer make shit movies. Right? Right?
Post-quels, reboots, and other cheap profiteering[edit]
- Star Trek
- Main article: Star Wars: Trek - A Reboot
The original 1965 Star Trek series was a reboot of the entire Star Wars franchise by a time-travelling Sir Patrick Stewart who wanted to capitalise off of the 'epic space-opera' genre, despite not actually being an opera singer.
Along with the original series, Star Trek itself has been subject to many reboots, and a confusing timeline also. In 2009, JJ Abrams was sent undercover by George Lucas to infiltrate the Star Trek universe by directing some 'less than average' films to propel the Star Wars sequel trilogy to the top. This plan would haveworked, had it not been for the meddling Rian Johnson being picked to write and direct The Last Jedi, which makes JJ's Star Trek movies look good.
- Star Halo Wars
- Main article: Star Wars: Halo
After Microsoft and Disney join the Covenant, Master Chief teams up with our beloved Star Wars heroes. Played by Pablo Schreiber, who likes to remove his helmet — unlike Pablo Escobar Pablo Pascal.
- The Walking Star Dead Wars
- Main article: The Walking Star Dead Wars
Jedi Master Rick Grimes wakes up from a space-coma after the Jedi Temple Siege by Darth Vader, and must survive in the new world where if a Stormtrooper bites someone, they join the Imperial ranks.
- Dancing with the Star Wars
- Main article: Dancing with the Star Wars
Out of the many thousand named Star Wars characters, most of the ones who were only seen in the background for a single frame return in this first dancing film that started a whole new timeline. Dirty Star Dancing followed, in which Greedo danced while inside a trash compactor. The third film, Tropic Grease Thunder, showcased Boba Fett wearing a leather jacket and trying to pick-up Olivia Newton-John in his magical flying car, while African-American Darth Iron Man sings some songs. The final film in the Star Wars Dance Verse was My Foot Got Loose in this Star War, in which Kevin Turkey Bacon played a Stormtrooper who had his foot be shot off while in battle, and reattached it using some cheap glue.
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