Lex Luthor
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Alexander Martin Luthor (born 8 November, 1483 as Aleksis Handschuhfächer) is the first Protestant supervillain and widely known as one of the greatest and most powerful enemies of the Catholic Church. A known dissident and a supremely influential and charismatic leader, Luthor was instrumental in starting The Reformation when he controversially nailed his 95 feces to the door of the Church and causing the subsequent Protestant break-off from governance of the Vatican, leading to 500 years of bloodshed and guerilla warfare.
Early life and childhood[edit]
Luthor was born to Hans and Maria Falza Luthor in Nuremburg, then part of the Holy Roman Empire, in 1483. By the time of Luthor's birth, his parents had already served a number of years as conjurers in the Prussian People's Republican Army, where he was raised as a young age by rebels in the ways of tactics and sorcery. The prodigious Luthor took to these studies quickly, and was able to master the lessons proffered to him by the more experienced rebels in the group, including his mother and father. At the age of fifteen, he rose to become the trophy winning fish munching Macawac of the Ockham Wing, which specialised in guerilla tantrics against the Roman Catholic Church in the Prague area.
His teammates asked that Luthor negotiate with the Jesuits for amnesty, but Luthor categorically refused. Instead, he had his teammates killed for insubordination after cunningly tricking them into telling him their identity and joined an Augustinian monastery in 1505 as an undercover agent.
Mockery at the monastery[edit]
Although Luthor was careful to avoid detection by Catholic authorities, his treachery was suspected by his fellow seminarians, and he was eventually reported to the Chief Priest. As punishment for attempting to subvert the Catholic Church, Luthor was subjected to mental torment and eventually banished to The Gap Between Dimensions..
It was in exile that Luthor fully unleashed his super powers. He was contacted by Satan, who desired to split apart the Catholic Church in order to put a stop to God's plan on Earth. Satan taught Luthor the alchemical arts, and convinced him that the papacy was set to subjugate the human race by force; he also granted Luthor a cross made out of Kryptonite for when the Super Pope showed up, as part of the Faustian work for hire contract. After penning "On the Kryptonians and Their Lies" during his stay away from earth, Luthor broke free from the bondage of The Gap Between Dimensions and returned to Germany using his sorcery to befuddle the Catholic authorities that were tracking him.
The Czechoslovakian businessman[edit]
Luthor returned to Prague in 1520 under the pseudonym of Lex Luthor. He approached John Calvin, the celebrated inventor of Calvinball to form GROSSCorp. Cornering the market for men's underwear, GROSSCorp became a multi billion dollar corporation within a few short years. More importantly, however, was the keen connection that Luthor and Calvin had in terms of their contempt towards the Catholic Church.
Eager to diversify their product line, Luthor and Calvin had applied to the Vatican for a license to sell indulgences, but their requests were rejected multiple times, with Vatican representatives repeatedly expressing that GROSSCorp's values "were not compatible with those of the Catholic Church", citing its mission statement, the 95 Theses, as the most significant factor inhibiting an agreement.
Cheated out of millions of dollars in potential revenue, Luthor and Calvin ran a viral marketing campaign, whereby GROSSCorp began nailing copies of the 95 Theses to Church doors. The Office of Indulgence Marketing sent GROSSCorp a formal letter, demanding that their campaign be stopped as it was tarnishing the image of the Catholic Church. When Luthor refused to comply the first time, the Catholic Church threatened to destroy GROSSCorp. Calvin begged for Luthor to comply, but he refused. It was in 1531 that Calvin and the GROSSCorp shareholders voted Luthor out of the company, depriving him of his stock and leaving him penniless.
The Reformation[edit]
Utterly betrayed, Luthor returned to Satan, the latter informing Luthor that the only way to win was to fight back. Luthor traveled to Antwerp to his parents' graves. Using his dark magic, he raised an army of undead and formed the first legion of Protest Antwerpians, set to bring down the Catholic Church by force. Unpopular sentiment against the papacy earned the Protest Antwerpians a huge following, and a number of churches and Catholics were defeated during a series of uprisings. Emboldened, Luthor attacked a Jesuit conclave in Zandhoven.
In 1556, Luthor led an unprecedented attack against the Vatican City. He was only subjugated after an alliance was formed among the Jesuits, a head of a pins worth of angels, a pantheon of Saints, and a dark army of Pope Mummies. Luthor's scheme was ultimately thwarted, but he was able to return to The Gap Between Dimensions to further increase his numbers of followers, who became known as the Protestants due to their fondness of complaining with signs.
See also[edit]
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