Crisis on Infinite Earths

DC writer John Byrne while working on Crisis on Infinite Earths.

The Crisis on Infinite Earths (henceforth "Crisis") was the Where's Waldo of DC Comics, a pointless event that happened in 1985, when The Anti-Monitor came to the conclusion that in all of the multiple realities, there was too much information to be recorded and written about. So, realizing he had a hoarding problem, he set about creating a single universe, called the Clutter Universe, with a single Earth, called Clutter Earth. This was the combined total of all the Infinite Universes mashed into one, after all of time was thrown into a blender, with people getting merged together, things never existing, history getting rewritten, comic book prices going up, etc. Basically, every time a nonsense article is removed from Uncyclopedia, it´s like continuity rebooting in CoIE, as worlds collide.

Critical Events

Crisis itself affected all of time, including events prior to Crisis. So many established events were cancelled out so that they never happened. The following things that were previously true, never happened:

Stan Lee becomes the owner of DC Comics for some reason.

Superman beats the shit out of Superman. Wait, what?

You can't hate on Elongated Man. You just can't hate on him. You can't. It's just impossible.

• Planet Krypton explodes.

• Planet Krypton does not explode.

• Apa and Ama Kent die.

• Superman III and IV never happened, but Superman I and II did.

• The DCEU is beloved by millions despite not having the rights to Superman, Batman or Wonder Woman, as the Marvel Cinematic Universe struggles with their bleak depressing vision of children's entertainment.

• D.A. Harvey Dent was black.

• Batman never existed (He only appeared in our reality three months ago). His secret identity is now Oscar Wilde.

• Robin the Boy Wonder is not cool. Robin was once super cool, it's just no one can remember now.

• James Bond was a pretty woman, and a lesbian one.

• The X-Men live in danger, being feared and hated by humanity (In our reality, they live in a posh school, are popular and their main problem covers love triangles between them). They eventually find peace when they all die one day.

• Hulk was grey, smaller than a regular person and anorexic.

• The Shrubbery and Igloo (Marvel) arm wrestle at the moment of creation.

• Batman goes from being a mere mortal who can be killed by crazy people like Maxi Zeus to somehow able to beat up gods like the real Zeus, who are 100's of times stronger than him.

• The Red Skull was called the Yellow Skeleton and, by the way, it was Gandhi under the mask. This explains the kicking ability.

• Geeks did not have sex with beautiful women.

• Obi-Wan Kenobi fought under Bail Organa during the Clone Wars (In our reality, he fought under Organa just after the end of the Clone Wars).

• The Ghostbusters TV series and second movie happened in the same universe.

• The Simpsons had a continuity and managed to be both funny and heartwarming after the tenth season.

• Superman's motto becomes "Truth, justice, and all that stuff... sometimes."

• The Society of Underdeveloped Crime-fighters obtained several new members.

• Battlestar Galactica and He-Man never happened so that they could begin again and find new audiences as new series.

• John Byrne rewrites the origin of everybody.

• Michael Moore becomes US President, and George W. Bush makes a mockumentary film on Michael Moore.

• Wonder Woman, Xena and Alyson Hannigan were the same person, resulting in a being that wanted to have sex with itself.

• Dane Cook did not rip off Louis C.K., but did expose himself.

• Spider-Man's some rich spoiled foot ball player.

• Green Lantern isn't afraid of yellow, but he is weak against turpentine.

• Superman is a dick, the same as before.

• You weren't born, so you shouldn't be reading this.

• Pepsi tastes better than Coke, after the coke challenge results in countless people drinking bleach in a freak accident.

The following events, which were previously false, came true as a result of Crisis:

• Aquaman still is the suckiest super hero in the DC Universe, but lost a hand and had it replaced with enchanted water. Then went missing, replaced with someone else calling himself Aquaman who sucks even more than the original Aquaman.

• The Original Aquaman drowns in the bathtub filled with air.

• Millions of billions of heroes and villains died.

• Supergirl died, was erased from existence and was forgotten by everyone(except the readers and editors and normal people). Meanwhile different versions of Supergirl emerged, but got their asses kicked. To make things worse, angry readers started a rebellion against society. After deaths of a few hundred or thousand or... ah never mind, DC decided to bring Supergirl back. Later she would remember her death in the yet-to-come Infinite Crisis. By the way, wouldn't you go crazy if you remembered your death?

• Nerds ate nothing but pizza, chips, peanuts, pizza and chips. And, of course, peanuts.

• The wacky 2nd cubic moon never existed, and subsequently all records do not exist.

• George Clinton holds the official position of being the 5th Beatle.

• Lindsay Lohan and Oprah never fight in Thunderdome for the hand of Herbert Hoover.

• Charlie Brown isn't changed, but now the Kite-Eating Tree has its own comic strip.

• Martin Luthor ceases to exist, now replaced with Martin Luther King Jr.

• Hal Jordan turns into a madman named Parallax, creates a Zero Hour, dies, comes back as The Spectre, dies again, comes back as a Green Lantern without any explanation and turns out he caught a yellow flu bug that made him evil, so now it does not count.

• Semen is taken from Lex Luthor and Superman and collected during a party to be used to create Conner Kent, AKA Superboy of Emo Earth AKA Earth-8.

• Jason Todd, Robin #2 of Earth-1 never died, but ages fast and becomes a villain known as the Red Hood and kicks Batman's butt.

• The Joker of Earth-1 and Earth-2 are merged together, becoming the Sony Bono of Clutter Earth. He, like his wife Cher, gets plastic surgery and it all goes wrong and he becomes The Joker two weeks before Batman first appears. Cher naturally becomes Harley Quinn because now they are both the same person.

• Peyton Manning now has not only a laser rocket arm, but a laser rocket heart. Every women dies for him. In both ways.

• A world where good Elmer Fudd and Yosemite Sam are hunted by an evil Bugs and Daffy? All part of the Earth 3 Loony Tunes.

• Multiverse was rebooted and erased, and as a result ... there had always been just a single universe.

• As much of a threat as Anti-Monitor was, especially having killed Barry Allen and Supergirl, he was just an overzealous schizophrenic Star Wars geek dressed in armor, believing himself to be Darth Vader. His multiple forms however do pretty much make him the missing link from cosmic comic super villain to RPG final boss, but really that goes back to Sleeping Beauty, which because of Crisis is now part of Marvel continuity.

• Later events would lead to Infinite Crisis, where everything would be repeated, except that Alex Luthor Jr. and Superboy-Prime would be villains instead of Anti-Monitor, plus that Superboy-Prime would become a psychologically warped, hypermacho psychopath with powers of seven Supermen, massacre thousands of people (such a psycho he was) and in the end was about to get his ass kicked by Superman. And in the end Alex would be slayed by Joker (he deserved it!).

Nintendo can't manage to make a decent 3D Mario game and goes bankrupt after the N64, as Sega continues to wow with a non stop string of good Sonic games featuring decent level design, and er...let's say Phantasy Star and...um...Nights into Dreams maybe? Wow, no wonder they went under with so many memorable series to choose from.

Aftermath

Strange things happened after the Crisis, such as Ambush Bug becoming the Apex Predator after he found the Anti-Monitor's armor and decided to put it on, causing the even more confusing Infinite Crisis. Which means most of what you read here never actually happened, even if it did happen and there are no records and nobody has any memory of it. Although some of it did, but only after the Infinite Earths were released when Alex Luthor of Earth-3 made the Anti-Monitor fart them out of his arse, but only after Alex Luthor of Earth-3, Superman of Earth-2, Superboy Prime, Lois Lane of Earth-2 hid in a pocket universe before Crisis of Infinite Earths via a plot-hole. They watched all of these events happen, and then Superboy of Earth-Prime got upset and punched the pocket universe wall, causing these events to happen and not happen, until Lois Lane of Earth-2 got sick and Alex made the Anti-Monitor fart up Earth-2 for Superman of Earth-2 to save her, but it was really Earth-2.1A before they populated it with people. Then Earth-3.14, Earth-619, and Earth-3:16 showed up.

After that it was one big mess and they had to start killing off the C-List Heroes, and sent all Supermen and Wonder Women not currently in their own comic books into the Elseworld Retirement Home in the inter dimensional void.

Amalgamated Earths

The post-Crisis universe, which is Earth as you likely know it, contains several aspects amalgamated from various other Earths.

The political structure of all countries closely resembles that of Earth-345, while MTV comes to us from Earth-240,642.6. Orson Welles as it happens, is the only being alive that existed on all of the incarnations of Earth.