Lois Lane

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The crushing scene in which Lois was killed by her only rival, Wonder Woman. Apparently Superman like amazons with huge...tracts of land.

Lois Lane attended Metropolis U and learned absolutely nothing. Except possibly bad fashion sense. (Example: that white skirt in Superman: The Movie. Geez.)

Perry White would like you to think she is a super terrific reporter. That is an elaborate, poorly constructed front. Just like that sentence.

In all of her incarnations, she has failed to:

  • make a connection between Clark Kent and Superman
  • remove the parsley from between her teeth
  • smile straight
  • stand straight
  • have a good hair day
  • quit smoking cigarettes

However, it is a little beyond the pale to accuse her of being the only one who hasn't made the connection between Superman and Clark Kent despite the fact that several bellboys and a pizza deliverer have sworn to have seen a bespectacled man rushing out the doors of the headquarters of what Perry insists on calling the greatest newspaper ever and pulling off his clothes in a telephone booth to reveal thermals underneath. Very bright thermals...

At the Daily Planet, Miss Lane works over the unpaid interns down in the bullpen. She occasionally throws peanuts and pennies at them for food, rent and medical bills; making sure they change a word or two from uncredited subreddits, Wikipedia articles, and concert reviews; lest anyone think they're just cutting and pasting news clippings and user summaries to pass off as journalism.

Puzzling indeed is Lois' inability to put two and two together and see quite plainly that Clark Kent and Superman have the same height, knowledge, periods of endless flatulence, ridiculously optimistic views about saving the world and an annoying tick with the left eye when they spot the hot dog stand from across the street. Some viewers become quite irate that Lois is incapable of discerning that both Clark Kent and Superman use the exact identical sweep of the hand to remove hair from her face - usually at a 90 degree angle. It may well have been that Lois was lousy at mathematics at school or she just may be lousy at most things.

From a strictly legal perspective Superman's male gaze can shoot lasers so really Lois is always in a state of legal duress and a judge would rule her unable to verbally consent to sleeping with Superman in much the way Steve Trevor is always somewhat afraid of Wonder Woman crushing him to death during sex. If Lois did sleep with Superman she could also be charged with bestiality as she has human rights and he does not. In many places lying to obtain sex is considered rape by deception which means if she could out Clark had been lying about being human she could sue the bright red shorts off of him and the cape off his back.

The Actresses[edit]

The "Battle of the Thorns" saga, the reprinted version of the banned "Battle of The Pricks".

Casting her has been a nightmare. Most A grade actresses refuse to be parted from the leading man for fear of being given only 2 lines the entire film. Since Superman barely tolerates the presence of Lois and spends most of his time saving the world, this renders the role somewhat undesirable to actresses with acting skills. This requires casting B or even C grade actresses to the job and it shows.

In her Kate Bosworth incarnation, Lois stunned audiences with her imitation of a 5-year-old attempting to wisp like a 40s screen idol who had smoked one too many. By this stage, the producers had given up any thought of Lois being a journalist as it became clear she had too few in the belfry to sustain this con any longer. Instead, she was relegated to being the distant-cousin-of-someone-who-saw-a-journalist-from-100-meters-away. She was also engaged to PansyMan. Unfortunately for SuperClark, PansyMan was a real match and had managed to avoid developing any nervous ticks. Unfortunately for Lois, PansyMan saw through Lois and gave her to SuperClark on a silver platter.

In Lois' Erica Durance incarnation, she was cast only her for her bra size. This was a fortunate turn of events because she actually managed to seem like a true Lois Lane. Of course, the undoing came with the teenage whining and lack of logic. Wait a minute, this was in keeping with character after all...