DC Comics produced a Crisis on Infinite Earths aka COIE series that thoroughly confused readers. It had taken a multiverse of infinite "Earths" and merged them into one clutter-Earth. History was rewritten anew and many things changed. However, DC's editors and managers decided that they had not confused their readers enough, that if one Crisis print run $old enough comic books, that maybe (just maybe) an Infinite number of Crisises will $ell even more comic books.
Infinite Crisis is DC Comics' way of recycling older comics into the newer ones. (Like how Hollywood recycles old movies into new movie remakes.) They created a new universe made up of old universes, and then from the one universe they made 52 more universes.
The Comic Book Mini-Series
First DC created a few Mini-series over ten year's length of time:
- Identity Crisis - Heroes had undergone Identity Crisises and created their own sockpuppet identities, it was revealed that Ambush Bug had found the Anti-Monitor's armor and that this would make him the Apex Predator for the upcoming Infinite Crisis.
- Zero Hour - Hal Jordan, a former Green Lantern, turns evil and calls himself Parallax now after destroying the Green Lantern Corps. He tries to destroy the universe to create a new one filled with sockpuppet versions of the DC heroes. The series ends when Green Arrow shoots him in the chest with a normal arrow the one time Hal forgot to put up his own personal force shield.
- The Final Night - Hal Jordan returns from the dead, no explanation. He is Parallax again, but this time as a hero. An evil sockpuppet named the Sun Eater tries to eat the sun. Hal dies in a battle with the Sun Eater by giving him pop-rocks and 20 oz of 7-Up, and the Sun Eater tries to burp, but can't and blows up both him and Hal.
- The Specter - Hal Jordan returns from the dead again, rumor has it Jesus did it. Anyway Hal is now bonded with The Specter, but it turns out Hal had caught a yellow flu bug named Parallax that had turned him evil. This flu bug is what was trapped in the main Green Lantern power battery and made the yellow impurity. Anyway Hal's sanity returns and he becomes Green Lantern again, and many Green Lanterns return from the dead as well with no explanation.
- Lex Luthor President of the USA - instead of George W. Bush, Lex Luthor is elected as President. Does the same things as Bush did anyway, like building a robotic suit to battle Superman with. Previously Michael Moore was US President, but history changed to George W. Bush and then Lex Luthor, after Superboy Prime threw a hissy fit punching at pocket-universes.
After this, readers were even more confused. So DC created Prelude to Infinite Crisis and Countdown to Infinite Crisis by trying to explain the events that were happening, all the while killing the sockpuppet C-List super hero known as The Blue Bettle.
These series did not do too well, so DC decided to create four new series and named them:
- Day of Vengeance - Without a human host, The Specter goes apeshit with Eclipso on a rampage (again) against magic. Hal Jordan left The Specter but left behind his insanity. God was on a vacation at the time, so there was nobody to stop The Specter. All C-List Heroes and Villains that relied on magic were destroyed or changed in some way, the rest where replaced with sockpuppets. One group of C-List of magic based villians and heroes formed a group called The Shadowpack, which basically means "Hey we're losers, but at least we aren't sockpuppets." Finally, when God gets back from vacation, he takes a look around, shouts "What the fuck?!" and shoves the now scared out of his mind The Spectre into dead Gotham City cop Crispus Allen (you'd rather not know how).
- Project OMAC - After learning that the Justice League wiped his mind and sexually abused him, Batman created the Big Brother spy satellite just like George W. Bush did in our reality out of fear and paranoia. Some super duper secret society of sockpuppets called Checkmate takes control of it, and uses it to turn people into super powerful sockpuppets called OMACs. OMAC stands for One More Asshole Character, and they go on a rampage against super powered beings.
- Villains United - Tired of getting their butts kicked, and since the Legion of Doom was copyright to some Professional Wrestlers, Lex Luthor recruits other super villains to form the Secret Society of Super Villains. Another villain, codenamed Mockingbird, recruits six villains and names his group the Secret Six. The society kidnaps some heroes, and the Secret Six tries to stop them, but are beat by sockpuppets. Mockingbird turns out to be Lex Luthor, and now there are two of them who end up fighting each other. One must be a sockpuppet but which one?
- Rann-Thanagar War - Something moved two planets towards each other, which lead to war between the planets of the Rann and Thangar races. Both sides blaming each other, and nearly killing each other. Some superhero sockpuppet teams show up, but discover a warp in space-time.
Then DC launched a Countdown 52 issue limited series with six spin-off mini-series of six issues each, plus all the Countdown tie ins to those comics.
Reaction from the fans
We polled a comic book reader who had this to say: "What? You want me to buy the Pre-Crisis series, and all of the cross-overs, and then the six issue Infinite Crisis series, and then the DC 52 comics which has 52 issues, and then the Countdown series which has 52 more issues and six spin-off mini-series of six issues each, and then the tie-in comics? I am going broke buy all of these comics, and all of my favorite characters got killed off and replaced by third rate characters. Infinite Crisis must have an infinite amount of comic books to buy just to keep up with the story line. I'd go to Marvel, but it seems they did the same thing with House of M, Civil War, The Initiative, The Death of Captain America, etc. Which has forced me to max out my credit cards and now I have to quit buying comics. I would go BitTorrent but DC and Marvel shut down zcultfm tracker as well. So I am quitting cold turkey, no more comics!"
Clearly the 1024 issue collection on the Infinite Crisis story line is one of DC's biggest and best series and has become very popular. Though it might bankrupt their fan base and force them to use BitTorrent but Lawyers are happy to shut down any BitTorrent site that has comic books on them to force the fans to pay over $5000 annually just to keep up with this
soap opera comic book storyline.
“ We give Infinite Crisis a 2, out of 5. ”
The Main Sockpuppets
A sockpuppet named Superboy Prime punches a hole in his reality that comes out one foot behind the editors and writers of DC comics in real reality. The result of several consecutive super-rabbit punches was an epidemic of severe brain trauma in the DC comics staff which messes up everything in the universes. This helped to create the first few mini-series.
Known to most, sockpuppets known as Superman of Earth-2 aka Kal-L, Lois Lane of Earth-2, Superboy Prime, and Alex Luthor, Jr of Earth-3 escaped the COIE by hiding in a pocket-universe. They watched clutter-Earth from their paradise, but Superboy Prime was prone to fits of rage and hit the dimensional wall, which caused shockwaves in the clutter-universe which kept changing events, bringing people back from the dead, etc. Lois was dying, and Kal-L wanted to save her. Using a clause in the super villain union, that says that all Luthors must turn evil, DC decided to turn Alex Luthor into a villain, and as a bonus give Superboy Prime an anger management problem. Alex manipulated Kal-L to bring back the Infinite Earths to save Lois on Earth-2, by making the Anti-Monitor far out the Earths. All of this was foiled because Ambush Bug got the armor of the Anti-Monitor and became the Apex Predator, which caused the infinite Earths to fart out of the arse of the Anti-Monitor.
WARNING!!!! Spoilers follow, and we know how all of you fans are so anal about knowing that TED KORD GOT SHOT!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!! HE GOT SHOT!!!
Whoops, sorry. Did we spoil that for you?
Anyways, the plot to Infinite Crisis was fairly simple. Back in that old-timer's delight we call the "Crisis on Infinite Earths" (which could have been curtailed by the Abortion of Infinite Births, a possible prequel), this geriatric old guy dressed up like Superman fly around lamenting his oldness and how is menopausal spouse, Lois Lane, was so flippin' old. So, in order to stop the madness, a curly-haired member of Journey named Alex Luthor created an old person's home in another dimension an trapped Superman, Lois, and a brat who claimed to be the "Prime Superboy" there.
Fast forward twenty years. It was the twentieth anniversary of the Crisis, and some idiot thought that it would be a great idea to have ANOTHER Crisis. Enter Blue Beetle. Beetle got extremely drunk and started to experiment with other rugs like cocaine, heroin, and ecstasy. He started hallucinating that someone was out to get him, and decided to pay off some people to hire a killer to shot him. Enter Max Lord, who did just that.
Okay, now that we got that out of the way, let's talk about what happened after that. First, Sasha Bordeaux mopped up Beetle's brains, and that took about 16 issues in what we call the "OMAC Project" or "Oh Man Another Comic Project". Then, she realized, hey, why was Max still laughing? Maybe it was because he did this!
So, Sasha went to tell on Max, and she found Batman and they banged. Then, Max was all like, "Oh no you di-int!" and he sent a bunch of robotic mohawk people to attack them and Wonder Woman was all like "That's it, fool!" and she broke his neck and Superman was like, "NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! I hate you Wonder Woman and I'll never be your friend again!" And she was like "Whatever, I don't care you crazy blue-tights Lois-lover, and I wish you were dead!" and Batman was like "that's it" and all three of them quit being friends all because of this:
Then, the Wrath of God went on a rampage and he killed a bunch of magical people so a drunken monkey caleld Detective Chimp banded a group of ragtag rebels to fight the raging giant who had fallen in love with the Atom's ex-wife who had turned into Jean Grey or something and the rest of the magic in the DC Universe broke and some people got really upset all because the Spectre turned some Jewish guy into a mouse (this might have been the Phantom Stranger) and since the magic was all kablooey, all the villains united behind the guy from Journey and formed a "Suck-ciety" except for losers like Catman and Ragdoll who formed the "Suck-ret Six" and they all fought against each other except for Hawkman who was on antoerh planet with Animal Man, Adam Strange, and some dead chick who used to hang with Wonder Woman named Donna all because of this:
That's when things really heated up. Recap:
It really really sucks that Ted Kord got shot by Max Lord. Yet who cares? You, me, everyone else? Nope. Nobody Cares that Ted Kord got killed, because Ted Kord as the Blue Beetle was lame, I mean he had no super powers at all to speak of, just a funny blue spandex suit and some yellow goggles that he called his high tech armor, but it could not even stop a normal bullet.
Ted Kord begged Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman to help him. Batman told him to STFU and stop whining. Superman said STFU or I'll kick your ass. Wonder Woman said she believes him, but she had to do her hair first which would take several hours for the hair spray alone so that she can deflect bullets with her bracelets or her hair. Ted Kord couldn't wait, every second counts. Someone hacked into Batman's system and stole all the secret files on every super hero and their secret identities, and took over the Brother-Eye super secret spy satellite that Batman used to spy on everyone as part of the Patriot Act, and activated some super secret sleeper agents known as OMACS, and took over the Checkmate Organization. Ted Kord begged and pleeded, showed all the evidence he had, Batman went to his Batcave to put an extra coat of wax on his Batmobile, Superman flew off to have sex with Lois Lane, and Wonder Woman took a shower and started to wash her hair for a few hours. "I cannot fucking believe this shit!" said Ted Kord, "Even Aquaman refuses to help me!" and then "Oh well, I guess I'm on my own. What is the worst that can happen?"
Did Superman of Earth-1 care? Not at all. Instead of grieving over the death of Ted Kord he got into a big fight with Kal-L the Superman of Earth-2. Superman of Earth-2 suffered from Super Alzheimer's Syndrome and forgot his wife Lois Lane of Earth-2 died of old age, and accused Superman of Earth-1 of murdering her. Superman of Earth-2 known as Granpa Superman called Superman of Earth-1 known as Conservative Superman a "Young punk that ought to stay the hell off of my lawn!" and Conservative Superman answered back "It is liberal hippies like you who ruined this great nation!" then Granpa Superman picked up a vintage 1930's car worth two million dollars to a collector and hits Conservative Superman with it yelling "You killed my wife!" and Conservative Superman gets up and says "She died of old age you senile old bastard! You should have put her in a nursing home like all of the other old fossils!" Anyway they fought and fought, and ran through a red sun that took away their powers and landed on the living planet Mongo that was full of kyrptonite. Granpa Superman was captured by men in white coats and taken to the Elseworlds Nursing Home, and Conservative Superman went back to Earth and ran for Kansas state representative from his home town of Smallville, Kansas.
The Final Effects
- At first Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman went missing, but then sockpuppets (Black Adam and Booster Gold) replaced them. They came back the next year, and all was well (except for the innocents who died because their villains were left unopposed).
- Paradise Island disappears, forcing Wonder Woman to go by the old Diana Prince alias.
- After returning from a year long trip, Batman learns he had a kid by Talia Head, Ra's al Ghul's daughter. Batman decides to take the boy in for a while rather than pay child support, but rethinks this after the kid goes apeshit on Robin. For the world's greatest detective, he should have figured out that a kid named "Damien" was going to be trouble.
- The Flash returned, but we have no idea who that is as over five men used to call themselves The Flash.
- The Flasher has disappeared, but is wanted by police.
- The New Gods died when The Atheist Mr. Terrific (World's Third Smartest Man, Lex Luthor is second, Bizarro George W. Bush is first) said he didn't believe in them. They got reborn and used the Anti-Life equation to control Earth and make everyone wear an Hate Hate Hat helmet and worship Darksied who was reborn as a fatman with his own Hate Hate Hat helmet turning him evil.
- Golden Age and Silver Age Superman went into the Elseworlds Retirement home.
- Oliver Queen aka Green Arrow, runs for mayor and wins. Like many other politicians (see Ronald Reagan) he has no political experience, but that didn't stop him. Plus he marries the Black Canary because he has a fishnets fetish.
- Those blue midgets who used to run the Green Lantern Corps came back to life and restarted it, giving everyone the possessed Hal Jordan hadn't killed (and a few he had killed) their rings back. When Sinestro found out that he was not reinvited back and was to be replaced by some sockpuppet, he formed his own "Sinestro Corps" out of spite, giving people who spread fear their own rings. Currently, the Sinestro Corps consists of clowns, lawyers, and Republicans.
- A Civil War breaks out in the Marvel Earth, Captain America's side almost won, but in the end Captain America surrendered like Captain France would have done. Then a C-List villain named Crossbones shoots Captain America with a sniper rifle and another C-List villain named Dr. Faust hypnotized Cap's girlfriend Sharon Carter into using her pistol to shoot him in the chest six times to finish him off. Oh yeah Bucky Barnes turned out not to be dead, but defected to the USSR and became known as the Winter Soldier. Then Crossbones shoots Captain America with a sniper rifle and Cap's ex-girlfriend Sharon Carter (Agent 13) pulls out her pistol and fires four rounds into Captain America's chest to finish him off, and for dumping her 20 years ago.
- It turned out that Bruce Willis was a ghost all of the time.
- Gandalf the Grey did not die, but become Gandalf the White instead.
- Powergirl is really Supergirl from Earth-2, only with bigger titties.
- Lobo becomes a Priest of some fish god and takes a vow of non-violence and talks to a space dolphin. Well to be honest he only lasted 15 minutes before breaking that vow.
- Starfire, Animal Man, and Adam Strange end up on some wierd alien planet. They meet up with Lobo, Devilance, and a whole buch of other weirdos and sockpuppets. In the end, Animal Man goes home to his family on Earth, and Adam Stange goes home to his family on Rann. Starfire moves in the Animal Man and his family, much to the pleasure of Animal Man's son, but she ends up rejoining the Titans and having sex with Nightwing under demonic influences.
- Turns out Darth Vader was really Anakin Skywalker and the father of Luke Skywalker and turns out the father of Princess Leia. All of that hot sex between Luke and Leia turned out to be incest, though that bastard Obi Won Kenobi and that droid R2D2 knew it all the time, yet didn't tell them the truth and watched them have hot sex.
- Alyson Hannigan is still hot and Karl Rove remains deathly afraid of her.
- Earth-8 is created, aka Emo Earth. All the C-List, sucky, super heroes ended up there.
- Superboy Prime joined the Republican party of America, and started the League of Super villains in the 30th century now known as Superman Prime.
- Alex Luthor went on Welfare after he lost his powers. Got married and has eight children, and is a member of the Democratic Party of America. He is then sexually abused by the Joker as Lex Luthor watches.
- The Bronze Age Superman lost his powers, but Jimmy Olsen found them and is now known as Mister Adventure. But Jimmy Olsen can only use those powers when his life is in danger. For example, a punch from Robin won't do anything, while Darkseid looking at him will get things going.
- Booster Gold died, after Supernova failed to save him. Turns out Supernova was Booster Gold all of the time, and borrowed a time machine to fake his own death and be in two places at once. This was all explained in the "Back to the Future Crisis" mini-series. As a side-effect Booster Gold became his own grandpa and now has three arms and two heads.
- Black Adam gets a new family and mellows out, only to go totally apeshit when they get killed.
- Captain Marvel losses his lawsuit with Marvel Comics, and is forced to be now known as Marvel. To pay his legal fees, Marvel sells all his personal belongins and is forced to move into the Rock of Eternity.
- The Tangent Universe is now a part of New Earth, with even suckier versions of DC Characters.
- Many C-List characters got killed, and are replaced with new Minority and Homosexual versions of those C-List characters in an effort for DC Comics to try and boost ratings with those demographics. As a result the new Blue Beetle is Hispanic, the new Batwoman is a lesbian, and many other combinations to cover up the fact that DC has been racist and homophobic for the past 72 years. Although some would argue that Wonder Woman was a lesbian with a B&D fetish, Batman and Robin were more than close pals, Superman was always Jewish, Aquaman sucked and so was gay or at least bicurious, and many others, but DC had claimed they were all straight and white for the past 72 years.
- Aquaman is now a guy with an octopus on his head, and the new Aquaman is the result of a genetic experiment gone wrong, but looks like and has the same name (Aurthur Curry) as the original Aquaman. He still sucks.
- Mary Marvel gets an all black costume from Black Adam.
- The Incredible Hulk's clone turns Republican and becomes the Red Hulk and joins the NRA and kills the Abomination with a big gun.
- Microsoft releases Windows Vista the crappiest version of Windows that ever existed, even beating out Windows Millennium Edition and IBM's OS/2. Due to this, Bill Gates announces his retirement and offers his shares of Microsoft for sale very cheap. There is much rejoicing.
- The Green Goblin dies for the 57th time, but Norman Osborne lives, but apparently is the Green Goblin, and takes control of the Thunderbolts, and buys out Microsoft after Bill Gates retires and sells them to Norman Osborne for pennies a share after being blackmailed by The Green Goblin who had pictures of Bill Gates using a Macintosh and in compromising positions with Steve Ballmer. Now Spider-Man's PC that runs Windows Vista hates him and flies around the room throwing Pumpkin bombs at him.
- Spider-Man then switches to a Macintosh and runs Mac OSX, only Steve Jobs is secretly the Hobgoblin. Both Spider-Man's Mac and iPod fly around the room and attack him with Pumpkin Bombs.
- Cyborg Superman upgrades to Windows Vista and then wishes he hadn't.
- Stan "The Man" Lee goes into suspended animation after being frozen, claims he ran out of ideas for super heroes because of all of these Infinite Crises creating Infinite versions of the super heroes. Wants to be woken up once the comic books go sane again like they did in his early days when there was only one universe and people liked it that way.
- Mary Jane Watson is now Spider-Woman, which makes the list of women claiming to be Spider-Woman up to a dozen or so. She got Mephisto to give her a divorce from Peter Parker aka Spider-Man so it is like they never got married.
- Captain Oblivious slept through the whole "Infinite Crisis" series and wonders whatever happened to Blue Beetle and the rest of the super heroes.
- Captain James T. Kirk and Commander Spock now meet for the first time at Star Fleet Academy as young men in the Star Trek 10 movie, despite Spock being 70 years older than Kirk (Vulcans age slower) when they first meet on the Enterprise.
- Ghostrider is now Nick Cage, and he sucks.
- The Macho Man Randy Savage changes careers from Wrestler to Rapper, and sounds like Nick Nolte after a whiskey and sandpaper binge. Randy Savage defies the laws of physics and sucks and blows at the same time. Sucks even more than Kurt Angle and John Cena when they were rappers.
- For the first time ever, ECW Wrestling sucks, hard as that is to believe.
- Booker T gets a case of paranoia schizophrenia and calls himself King Booker and speaks with an accent that is half-Ebonics and half-UKish. Claims to be "King of the World" and wears a crown and robes. Rumor has it, in DC Countdown he will claim to be Black Jesus as he joins TNA.
- Hulk Hogan gets his own reality TV show "Hogan Knows Best", makes "The Osbornes" reality TV show and Ozzy Osborne look normal by comparison.
- We find out that Cactus Jack, Dude Love, and Mankind were all the same guy, Mick Foley who developed multiple personality disorder after a combination of chair shots to the head and the fact that his wife became a Hooker to spite him.
- Pissed off that he had not been invited to play, Darkseid sets up the Final Crisis.
- In the end some metahumans died. Some Rannians blew up and some Green Lanterns got fried. A lot of guys were croakin'; the battle OMACS were broken. And the Superboy I admired most met up with Superboy Prime and now he's toast. Well, I'm still here and he's a ghost. I guess I'll train this boy.
- Oh, yeah.... this happened:
- DC Comics
- Crisis on Infinite Earths
- Crisis in Infinite Jerusalems
- Secret Invasion
- Final Crisis
- Blackest Night OMGWTFBBQ Space Zombies with Black Lantern Rings!
- "Blackest Day Whitest Night Secret Wars Invasion Infinity Gauntlet Final 52 Crisis of Infinite Closets" (Coming soon!)
Quotes trying to explain this madness
“Uh, could anyone please explain again what happened to Blue Beetle??? I must have missed that page...”
“Blue Beetle was shot in the head by Max Lord.”
“Does anyone die in Infinite Crisis?”
“Lots of people died, starting with Blue Beetle. Max Lord shot Blue Beetle in the head.”
“Uh, could anyone please explain again who Max Lord is and why he shot Blue Beetle in the head...”
“Marx Lord is a third grade telepath with ties to the Justice League of America. Blue Beetle was shot in the head by Max Lord because Blue Beetle had uncovered Max Lord's plan of hacking Batman's Big Brother Eye satellite, taking over the Checkmate division of the Federal Government, and using killer cyborgs named OMACS to murder people with.”
“Uh, could anyone please explain again why Max Lord was doing these things...”
“Max Lord was tired of only being a mascot and use his telepathy powers to control people's minds and take over and murder as many people as possible for revenge on the super heroes that used to make fun of him.”
“Uh, could anyone please explain what happened to Max Lord after the Crisis...”
“Max Lord took control of Superman's mind and attacked Wonderwoman. Wonderwoman flew away from Superman and found Max Lord and snapped his neck with her magic lasso, murdering Max Lord.”
“Uh, could anyone please explain why Wonderwoman murdered Max Lord after the Crisis...”
“You ask too many questions. Who are you, Socrates? Go out and buy the whole limited series, I am tired of answering such obvious questions for you.”
“ We give Infinite Crisis a 2, out of 5. ”
“ WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT SHIT?!”
“ We give Infinite Crisis a 2, out of 5. ”
“I EAT DIS.”