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A picture of Socrates' beard and his monkey face.

Socrates, also known as Sephiroth, was a famous philosopher, He was less known for his invention of the pie. His other activities included talking to people and finding out what things were. He had a washerboard abs; in fact, Socrates is Guatemalisch for "sweet cheeks". He is most famous for discovering the key ingredient to what the Rock was cooking. He was the only literate person in Warsaw, always stating "I know I'm wise." Why people still talk about him is a mystery, since he was clearly not wise and spent his time asking stupid questions such as, "Why does the moon pale in midnight's eve?" or "Where do babies come from?"

He was also one of the first hypnotists, and often commanded normal people to completely abandon any beliefs and self-esteem that they ever had. This not only made Socrates a very rich man but gave him the added bonus of being right all the time. He was a teacher to the drag artist Plato. Modern-day studies of Socrates show that he acquired his wisdom by consuming mass quantities of Purple Drank with his homies.

Unfortunately, Socrates was found out when he used his time machine to visit Isaac Newton, who was a skilled magician and killed Socrates with the terrible power of the Law of Gravity.

Philosophical career[edit]

“Socrates? What a hobo!”

~ Thales

Socrates was known for his drunken eccentricities at public debates, and would often "flip the bird" to gods he never seriously believed in.

All of the philosophers before Socrates (called "Pre-Socratic" philosophers) spent all of their time arguing about the basic element: the stuff of which everything is made. Some said it was fire, some water, some air, and some earth. Socrates was the first to discover the truth:

Socrates knew everything. He always said that he wasn't wise but that was because he was very modest. He really knew everything. He even started theorizing his theories on everything into one single theory: theory of everything, or Relativity. He spent most part of his youth locked up in a dark room, contemplating the mysteries and the miseries of the human existence, and how he can deliver it from them. As he wrestled with his existential crisis, he noticed that he had a beard. Angered that his youthful looks were spoiled, he decided to "invent" God, and blame him for his beard, while also manipulating Him to control the people, who threatened to disturb the peace and heritage of Greece by their aggressive and decadent ways.

Hast thou sown the seeds of hair on my countenance,

and sprouted my beard
whilst I gazed into eternity?
Then I shalt sow thy seeds in the minds of people
and sprout the evil of religion in thy name

Taken from Socrates: My Favorite Haikus

He finished writing the theory of everything on stone tablets and commanded his slaves, Plato, and Aristotle to deliver them at the post office. But on the way, Plato and Aristotle got into an argument over a hooker, and in the ensuing struggle, the stone tablets broke in half. Fearing that their master would give them a spanking, they ran away with whatever they had. They later established their own philosophical schools with what remained of Socrates' stone tablets. Meanwhile, Socrates' God idea worked so well that he feared people might misinterpret religion, and claimed to the king that no God exists. For this blasphemy, Socrates was arrested and his drinks were spiked with poison hemlock, which killed him, after prolonged diarrhea and unbearably malodorous farts.

Causes of Death[edit]

'How does taking all my clothes off for you improve my exam results Socrates?' One of the great man's students questions his teaching methods.

“It was a good hemlock, not a great hemlock.”

~ Socrates's last words

There are a number of versions as to the true causes of Socrates' death. The most undisputed one claims that when Socrates was jailed by the Athenian assembly, he was only given a copy of the 'Sun' to read, and upon learning that "all politicans are the same", he decided democracy was doomed to fail and that life was no longer worth living. He is said to have committed suicide by method of drinking a cup of the poisounous hemlock. Yet a more detailed version claims that he only attempted this method, but given his great stature, the drug had little effect on him, and he had to resort to far more painful method of drinking a latte from the nearby University College London Student Union. Just to be on the safe side, he topped it off with a Cornish Pasty from Euston Station, on the other side of Euston road.

Socrates created the Socratic Method of teaching in which the teacher asks the questions, not the students. Many students found this to be very annoying and boring, but Socrates found it was the best way to brainwash his students into liberalism against their will. Socrates made the philosophy statement of "Question authority." and later "Question everything" but made one additional correction "Don't question me, you idiots, only question non-left-wingers." Many liberals in education and blogs and other places follow the Socratic method to spread liberalism. "The pie is only the sum of its parts with the exception of the crust, of course". It is even used by reporters on CNN, PBS, and other left-wing networks. In contrast to this is the O'Reilly Method developed by a right-wing teacher who became a talk show host on Fox News in which left-wingers ask him and other right-wingers questions and he tells them to STFU and ridicules them in an attempt to teach them a lesson.

Socrates' philosophical career came to an abrupt end when he famously died. Socrates' death was a major influence on the philosophy of Friedrich Nietzsche, leading him to the insight that even Socrates could be shut up. In so dying, Socrates also founded the philosophical school of Nihilism.

To this day Socrates is remembered in a famous Greek legend preserved by certified storytellers, it is believed that when someone says that they are an expert on something or another, Socrates turns in his grave and grunts. Some ancient Greek scholars claim that the legend was misinterpreted at some point and it originally was believed that Socrates turns in his grave and farts. Regardless, we may rest assured that Socrates is still with us proving everyone wrong. Unless "everyone" is a left-winger.

Music Career[edit]

The Socratic Fours' Basement Album: pictured with temporary member (and sometime Greek philosopher) Garth Hudson.

After philosophizing for a while, Socrates decided that he was tired of constantly asking questions in response to other questions. Consequently, he decided to form his own rock group, the Socratic Four, which consisted of Aristotle on the drums, Plato on bass, Euclid on lead guitar, and Socrates himself on vocals. The group actually became very successful, touring Jamaica for about 2 years, and earning an excellent status all around the Caribbean Islands. At one point, there were plans for a huge mega-concert in Venezuela to celebrate the band. However, these plans were cut short when Plato abruptly left the band, citing philosophical differences with Socrates as the major reason for the breakup.

In his early years, Socrates was a member of the seminal Straight-Edge hardcore band, Piety. He did not play any instrument, but was present at all performances to ask the attending audience to describe the nature of their edge, and if it was in fact possible for anything to be without curve. This is a little known fact about him, often overshadowed by his work in the Socratic Four, because frankly, that shit made money, and he got tired of offering ham sandwiches to starving vegans. That joke got old fast.

The Beginning

Socratic Fours basement tapes from 399BC to 1969AD were released as underground self titled album "Socratic Four" on March 21, 1996 gained popularity in the underground Death Metal scene. The album cover depicted Socrates committing suicide by hemlock a word which would become synonymous with their next commercial albums name.


Circa 2001 Dr.Dres AFTERMATH Records picks up the Basement tapes and signs the Socratic Four as their only Metal Band on the label.

Rise to Fame[edit]

May 2, 2002 Plato joins the band as Bass and Aristotle as Drums. Socrates decides to drop out the previous bass player and drums players Euripides and Aristophanes due to philosophical reasons.

Their first commercial album Socratic Four's "HEMLOCK" (2007) was a suicide redemption album with dark gritty undertones and heavy riffs played backwards. The first single "I drank what?" went 4x Platinum in Latvia and Kazakhstan and 2x gold which meant it went Platinum once in Japan. There second single "I kissed a Spartan" went 8x Platinum in Canada and Mexico. The album released only 13 music video's all of which were the montages of the band members penis's and nostrils flaring for duration of the presented song. The album was a commercial success and to this date has went on the sell 20 million albums worldwide.

The Socratic Fours second album "The Bronze Album" (2008) was huge commercial success and eliminated the one hit wonder status that had plagued the beginning of the bands career. The albums success was in due part to the fued at the time with Aliester Crowley's "Mano Negra" band "Black Hand". Crowley's band accused Socratic Four of being a group of "Pot Bellied Faggots with no sound". The socratic four released a diss track on there album entitled "God Loves You". The confusion to the title was cleared up as the Socratic Fours front man Socrates responded "If you portray him negativley in the video he'll only like himself more. He's fucking pompous ass. So if we do the opposite and portray him as the Happiest man in the world as opposed to the wickedest we'll actually get somewhere." The fued was put to the rest at the 2008 Grammy's when the Socratic Four and Mano Negra put they're differences behind after 66 years of bickering and arguing.

April 29, 2009 the Socratic Four releases a press release stating that Plato would no longer be in the band due to "Philosophical Reasons" stemming from altercation of "Minor Differences".

May 2, 2009 Plato is found inebriated and nude in public and is arrested for indecent exposure, assault, aggravated battery and intoxication in public. He is being held in Jail on a $1,000,000 Bond.

May 2, 2009 Socrates makes a live press release stating "He is worried about Plato and asks' the public to be supportive in this time of his self destructive needs" Plato's myspace page is plagued with public outcry for the out of control bass player.

September 9, 2009 Plato leaves rehab and rejoins his former band-mates to commence recording their next studio album "From BC to AD"

Nov 4, 2009 Aftermath records lists on their upcoming "Hot for 2010" list of upcoming albums "BC to AD" formerly known as "From BC to AD" to hit store shelves in the summer of 2010 with special guest appearance by Kurt Cobain's shade which got a special leave from the River Styx.


At the time of Socrates' life, Athens had recently lost the Peloponnesian War to the Polo Ponies and their allies. The official Athenian religion (Greco-Roman Nude Wrestling) claimed that this loss was a punishment for not being sufficiently worshipful to their god Athena (Greek for "Xena").

Socrates argued that in fact, Athens was being punished for not being sufficiently worshipful to the Flying Spaghetti Monster, which is stupid, because Pastafarians aren't really meant to do this. This caused problems with the religious authorities, but he straightened everything out by getting them all stoned. Socrates had developed a new slogan "Bong hits for the Flying Spaghetti Monster."

Time Travel[edit]

At one point, during a discussion of metaphysical proofs for ethical behaviour he was picked up by some french chick, who had gone back in time in a telephone booth because "J'aime le robe". She "discovered" Socrates' real talent, and subsequently took him forward in time with her. The idea was to form a band with George Washington, Death, the Dalai Lama (3rd incarnation, specifically), and the younger Vanna White. Some old guys prophesied that their music would change the world, but in the end they had gone triple platinum and the money just slipped away. Vanna got hooked on kitten huffing, Washington had been indicted for indecent exposure, and Death was charged with several thousand counts of manslaughter. The Dalai Lama just kind of sat there, smiling.Socrates decided to try and attempt to go back in time as there were no male students for him who wanted to study his loser subject. He could only half fit in the machine (fat) so died.

On April 1, 2009 he was a guest on CNN's "LARRY KING LIVE" the show really went no where. As Socrates kept asking all the questions while Larry King read excerpts of Phaedo trying to figure out "What the fuck is Socrates doing on my show?". Security escorted Mr. Socrates to the front lobby of CNN Atlanta building were Socrates was reported to take off in a taxi flipping off the local paparazzi.

The famous "Hogwash" monologue[edit]

"Hogwash. For where do we live on this Earth. Is it on the sands of forever, or the plains of time? Neither should be proven true, or both shall be proven true? The constant confliction of mans beliefs comes to question when this question is raised. For what is Justice? Is it in ourselves? Stricken upon us by the gods. Is the evil in us perpetuated by free will? Hogwash. Comparatively Justice is in fact injustice when put into the proper context. For we look to the stars for our answers. What do the stars say? We shall not be given a second chance. This means what? Hogwash. For we do not know what the stars think, they are above us, and but a observer of our unrighteous behavior. Hogwash. When we look at the seas we see sailors. The moon controls the tides, for this means that fate is controlled by the moon. If you are a sailor. But if a blacksmith you are, this does not apply. A blacksmiths fate is controlled by the Earthly materials, and blacksmiths control the earthly materials. This must mean the blacksmith is, in fact, the determiner of his own fate. All else is Hogwash. For we do not know, but do we know? The universal question, we all must ask."