Greek mythology

'You're right my cloven hoofed friend. Sights like this only happen in Greek mythology'.

“You might be a cunning linguist, but I am a master debater”

~ Zeus

Greek mythology is a group of stories explaining the existence and functioning of the universe. Some reference books regard it as a branch of intelligent design, although others are eager to remind there is nothing especially intelligent about Greek mythology. Greek mythology is taught at biology classes at Greek schools where it has achieved a status of a serious alternative explanation as opposed to the theory of evolution created by Darwin in the 19th century. The main points of the Greek mythology theory are:

• The world is too chaotic to have come to being through the evolutionary process. How did dumbass dinosaurs evolve into something as sophisticated as pigs and amoebas? I mean come on!
• The world is too chaotic to be created and ruled by a single deity.
• The world is too chaotic to have been created in any normal way and was created as a result of an orgy between several Titans.
• There exists a pantheon of gods who live on the top of Mount Olympus in Northern Greece.
• The gods of the pantheon are greedy, jealous, horny, and cowardly. In addition, they have an extremely strange sense of humour and are egotistic. In short, they resemble humans in many ways except that they are immortal, have superpowers, and all sleep with their sisters and daughters and mothers and other assorted relatives. And have children with no noticeable defects other than that they want to sleep with their sisters.
• There is no hell or heaven. Instead, dead people go to the Underworld ruled by Hades. The bad ones end up in Tartarus (not a nice place), while good heroes go to Elysion (a nice place). Most stay in Erebus (in-between). Some heroic individuals can become gods after death and they get to live in the palace of the gods on Mount Olympus (cool), but no one really cares because they're dead anyways. Wait a minute, aren't gods supposed to be immortal? This idea is why Socrates is a bad ass and totally pwned Zeus at Halo 5.

Skeptics have attacked this theory, arguing it does not have enough evidence to support it. Supporters of the theory have stuffed the skeptics into their ass, and told them that Zeus is going to send a massive lightning storm and rain crap to incinerate the unbelievers. Later investigation showed that the attackers of the skeptics did not actually exist, and the the skeptics were actually tripped out on acid at the time. This has lead to a considerable amount of confusion in the academic world. Supporters of the theory have raised many arguments. Here is a brief listing of the main pieces of evidence.

I - Polytheistic pantheons around the world

The first argument reminds that the earliest religions known to history are polytheistic. This means that there must be a pantheon of gods, known by different names to different civilizations. The argument usually lists the Egyptian, the Norse, the Chinese, the Japanese, the Aztec, the Maya, the Inca, the Aborigine, the Celtic, the Slavic, the Babylonian, and the Hindu pantheons in addition to the Greek one. According to the argument, the gods of other pantheons are in fact the gods of the Greek pantheon. For example, the Norse Odin is actually Zeus, the Aztec Huizilopotchli is the Greek Helios, and the Egyptian Thot or Djehuti is the Greek Apollo. Not that this is "the argument". "The argument" actually states that the Romans re-named a great many Greek Gods in order to appropriate their Empire, hence the ROMAN Sol is actually the Greek Apollo / Helios / Hyperion. All of whom are gay, and love the rubber dick.

What is actually being argued here is that one can understand the history of world religion by reading E. Gary Gygax's Dungeons and Dragons companion called "Deities and Demigods". This is fair enough: clearly both HP Lovecraft and Michael Moorcock are ancient religions.

II - The chaotic nature of the universe

The second argument states that the world around us is utterly chaotic; things explode, people die, insects get smitten, teenagers get iPods, avalanches bury villages, all without a clear purpose. This is due to the fact that the universe was formed from Chaos, a shapeless lump floating in eternity at the very beginning. The formation of universe brought some order, but the current chaotic state of affairs is caused by the varied interests of the gods. The gods tend to quarrel with one another and wipe out cities and civilizations as result. Troy is just one example, as is Center Parcs. No explanation yet exists for Chris Evans, however.

III - Heracles/Hercules

Many sources tell of a mortal man called Heracles (which is Hercules in Latin) who was the son of Zeus and became a god after succeeding in twelve superhuman tasks. There are far too many references to him to justify the claim that he was a fictional character. Heracles was living proof of the existence of the gods.

Heracles' boyfriend Hylas - who ran off with a Nereid during Apollonius' Argonautika - was the butch, and Heracles was the bitch. Ask Siegfried and Roy.

IV - Darwinism cannot explain everything

This is everybody's favourite argument. Darwinism cannot explain why life is not fair, Darwinism cannot explain why you cannot get all you want, Darwinism cannot explain why centaurs do not exist. Well, do not worry - Greek mythology can. Life is not fair because the gods are greedy and generally unfair. You cannot get all you want because you would make the gods jealous if you could. That would be hubris and would force the gods to send Nemesis kill you. Centaurs do not exist because Zeus and Apollo killed them.

As you can see, Greek mythology rips off Darwin's naughty bits just like Cronus ripped off Uranus' naughty bits and threw them into the sea.

Homer and Virgil: Prophets of the gods

The epic poets Homer and Virgil are regarded prophets of Greek/Roman mythology. The basic assumption of Greek mythology is that the events described by Homer in his Iliad and Odyssey are factual and true, just like the ones described by Virgil in his Aenid. Homer's works are the rough equivalent of the Old Testament, while Virgil's epic is the equivalent of the New Testament. In addition, there are several other scriptures that tell how the gods messed the world up.

Except not. Not really. Homer was not a prophet. He was a greengrocer. He used to tell stories of the old bronze age whilst over-pricing cabbages on his stall in Piraeus harbour. "Did you hear that one about Achilles, and about how the reason he got so wound up when Hector killed his "friend"? It's because Achilles was a screaming queen - no really - a mincing gay bar loiterer."

Virgil was just a guy trying to make the Romans feel at home in the city they'd recently occupied and pillaged from its actual owners. Much like Americans making films about how they were hard done by in Vietnam, when really they were just imperialist murdering pigs on holiday. Virgil tried to argue that Carthage was conquered by this imperialist murderer called Aeneas, and his girlfriend Pink. Or Dido, or something. These modern singers are frankly indistinguishable.

The world according to the Greek mythology theory

A typical Greek myth depiction. On this ancient pot, we see the noble Achilles, spraying the heroic Ajax, to vanquish his foes

Greek mythology supporters argue against the now dominant 'round revolving earth' theory. Greek mythology clearly suggests that the world is a flat plate surrounded by Okeanos, a gigantic ocean. The sky is an artificial roof made by Uranus. Stars are purely decorative, usually heroes or animals turned into stars by the gods. The sun is the god Helios, who rides his fiery chariot across the sky every day. In the winter he does not have the energy to ride as long as he does in the summer. The summer and winter are caused by Persephone, the wife of Hades and the daughter of Demeter, who stays in the Underworld for approximately six months of the year.

Also, the city of Delphi in central Greece is the center of the earth. This was scientifically proved by Zeus himself. He sent two of his eagles flying from the opposite edges of the earth. The eagles met each other above Delphi And there is absolutely no arguing with Zeus. (Actually, the eagles never met, since - as aforementioned - the world was flat back then. However, the gods' favourite pass-time was in- and deflating earth as a Tyre, and then shouting to mortals "You got a flat!". Alas, the distance between Olympus and the houses of commons was immense, and poor ol' coffin candidates heard this shout as a divine command to fart. The fumes produced by these religious duties caused the omniscient and omni-inhaling Oracle at Delphi to mutter absolute nonsense, perceived by meat-and-bone sacks as revelations from above, which were meant to lead their lives to a better future. This is actually another Greek innovation: moving on with natural gas).

If you are in trouble...

...you should always turn to the Greek gods first and then, if it does not work, turn to so-called science as a last resort.

• If you are sick, sacrifice a cockerel to Asclepios, the god of healing.
• If you have enemies, burn about a pound of meat to Zeus and ask him to smite them.
• If your partner cheats, send Hera to get them.
• If you want to win a horse race, place your bet to Poseidon, the god of the seas and the horses.
• If you want money, bury stuff in the ground as sacrifice to Hades, the richest of the gods.
• If you would like to punch somebody in face real hard, do not do it - yourself. Burn meat for Heracles, and he will come and finish the guy off with his club.
• If you want to know the correct numbers for next week's lottery, go to Delphi and consult the oracle of Apollo.
• If you hate somebody in general, send the Olympus Hitmen, Apollo and Artemis, to shoot them with poisoned arrows.
• If you want to get to have sex with that really really really nice girl you should consult Aphrodite, she'll probably help you to get her.

Famous Greek Myths

True accounts of the breathtaking adventures of heroes, mortals, and gods.

Medea

Medea is a character from Greek mythology who ran off with a wimpy little man called Jason, who is most well known for being a dirty no-good thief. Fortunately for him, being a dirty no-good thief was particularly alluring in the days of Ancient Greece and so Medea was captivated by him almost immediately (that and he had an adorable corgi dog, and a boat full of demigods she wanted to screw). It was not clear from her love for him that she was actually a deranged psychotic, so Jason happily sailed away with her and her brother, whom she had invited for entertainment value. Unfortunately for the little corgi dog, he was brought along for nutritional purposes and was eventually eaten.

Medea was a lot harder than Jason, and could have him, no bother. She could have Chuck Norris, as a matter of fact. Or any of his mates. She is as hot as Angelina Jolie used to be before she started adopting babies all over the place.

How can I tell if I've run away with Medea?

• Is she the daughter of the king of Colchis?
• Did she just chop up her brother, despite his entertainment value, and throw the pieces overboard?
• Has she killed her two children, just to make me jealous?
• When her mother comes round to visit, does she always greet her daughter with the words "Hello, m'dear"?

If you can answer "Yes" to all of these questions, immediately inform the relevant authorities, hide under the dining table, sell all your goats and pray to Thor for a quick and painless death.

She's currently staying in a temple in Fuyuki city in Japan...She lives with a teacher and his son there, and was there because of some war...

Oh yeah, because she was looking for the Holy Grail

Others

• Splenda
• Jason and the Argonauts
• Trojan Condoms

See Also

• 362, Olympus Mount