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Plato did not react well to spectators disclosing his spoilers.

“I hear he was a pansy: you know, "earnest." Anyway, he's dead and I need another Martini, so who gives two shits?”

~ Oscar Wilde on Plato

Plato (423 - 347 B.C.), whose name means "the Squat One," was a homeless vagrant and occasional self-employed babysitter in ancient Greece who talked to himself all the time, a practice he called "dialoguing." Originally, he merely startled wild hogs, but he quickly gained a small cult following. As his ideas spread across Greece, like every great philosopher, he cultivated a sizeable beard and wore his trademark bed sheet and sandals. Unfortunately, he was denied admission into the School of Philosophy, on account of his habit of idly juggling his own severed testicles.

Plato wrote a number of books during his life, including Self-Mutilation for Beginners, Why I Hate Fat People, and 1001 Monster Bogey Jokes For Kids. In his most famous work, Why I Hate Republicans, he accurately predicted how the future will be full of fat white guys who fly around the world in private jets lecturing anyone stupid enough to pay them on Global Warming. When not busy on a new work of thrilling literary genius, he kept his creative motor idling by writing angry letters to senior politicians and doing crosswords. He invented syphilis, which he bottled and marketed as a hair tonic, with his business partner and fellow amateur babysitter and "special friend" Socrates. Also, Plato was the first to make a 20-page written argument and then, on the next page, refute it to shreds. His collection of the best of these, entitled Fuck Democracy: Why I Should Rule in 2 Reasons Or Less, is now abridged as the popular The Republic.

Plato was best known for his frequent visits to Athens's inner city orphanages and youth clubs, to which he admirably offered his services free of charge, training dozens of the young wards on winning strategies when playing "Hunt The Philosopher," "I'm Your Uncle Plato," and the perennial favorite in ancient Greece, Twister.

Platonic Dialogue[edit]

Platonic Dialogue differed from Socratic Dialogue in one important way: do you really want me to tell you? A typical Platonic dialogue proceeded along the following lines:

Plato: Why won't you suck my toes? I sucked yours last night.

Socrates: Yet whose feet are farther from the truth? yours or mine own?

Plato: Ha! You allude to my Parable Of The Toesucker's Sister! Very well, you may continue —

Socrates: Very well. Now were I to submit to your request, as I have before, and shall perhaps again, would it not be true to say that in sensual terms, I would be the sucker and you, Plato, the suckee?

Plato (cautiously) Yeees, I suppose it would —

Socrates: — and would it not also be true to say that as the suckee, yours would be the higher pleasure, mine the lower?

Plato: That's easy — yes!

Socrates: And given that you are my master and therefore bound to instill in me the highest principles of moral and physical worth, the greatest most universal example of munificence of spirit and veneration of the chi or life-force (as our tiny yellow brethren to the East would put it) attainable by man, and the deepest manifestations of agape or godly love for your fellow man —

Plato: Oh get to the point —

Socrates: Would it not then be beholden upon you to kiss my pasty, white ass and suck your own toes, you old catamite fraud?

Platonic Love[edit]

Thousands of bachelors on the make tirelessly look for ways to put Plato's wisdom into a handy container.

Along the above lines, a Platonic Dialogue is a fine way to convince any lovely little honey that you desire a Platonic Relationship, and to speed the journey into her panties.

Plato himself may have been more than just friends with his most famous student, Aristotle, based on a graphic and explicit statement made to the Athens police that indicate that Plato was foul-smelling and "a naughty man."

The only man to make an unsuccessful pass at Plato was Alcibiades, one of the most handsome young men in Athens. After Alcibiades led the successful invasion of Syracuse during the Pelopponessian War, he returned home in victory to Athens and attempted an unsuccessful invasion of the philosopher himself. Plato related the events of that drunken orgy in his dialogue The Symposium:

After dinner, when everyone else had fallen unconscious or was too plastered to notice, Alcibiades made his move. To his chagrin I, Plato, had a sore botty that night, and rejected the conceited little twerp. Alcibiades, his feelings wounded and hurt, fled Athens and took up with a goat, with whom he had many kids.

Unsolved questions about Plato[edit]

Was Plato a woman?[edit]

Scholars from church historian Eusebius to well-known heretical anthropologist Dan 'da Vinci' Brown have proposed that the founder of Judaism, Moses, was none other than Plato dressed up as a woman, and that Plato — not Moses — invented the Jew.

His alleged fondness for crosswords may also be a clue since, as Dan Brown has discovered, hidden codes in the Torah, allegedly authored by Moses, speak of a hidden panel in the Lincoln Memorial (which, incredibly, hadn't even been built in Plato's time, though it does look quite a lot like Greek and Roman Architecture). Similarly, the presence of the Book of Numbers may also be a clue, since Plato was friends with Pythagoras, who invented numerology. The Bible also employs a numeric skip code to conceal its real message.

Was Plato Plato (or Play Dough)?[edit]

The four classical elements of Plato.

Many have argued that the man we call Plato is not actually Plato, but an imperfect "image" of Plato, while the real Plato is the eternal form of Plato, existing as a real abstract. It can be countered that the form of Plato we're actually referring to as "Plato," (Aristotle suggested that the supposed imperfect image of Plato was in fact the form of Plato at the same time).

Still others argue that the man, Plato, was not even an imperfect image of Plato, but the work of artisans by way of an automaton, in which case the "man" Plato is an imperfect image of an imperfect image of Plato, where the imperfect image of Plato maybe have been kidnapped as a child and chained up in a dark cave for the rest of his life. Then there's the question of the orphaned love-child of Plato and his mother, confusingly also called "Plato."

Astronomical aspects of Plato[edit]

Due to his squat wrestling stance, for several decades Plato was considered to be the outermost planet in our Solar System (although his orbit occasionally crossed that of Neptune). However, in 2006 the International Olympic Committee "demoted" Plato from planet to Greek philosopher. The general public remains ambivalent to the new nomenclature, and the ramifications to modern astrology are still being discussed.

See also[edit]

Preceded by:
Prime Minister of Heaven
Succeeded by: