Worst 100 Inventions of All Time

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“You bastards... You ungrateful bastards!”

~ Thomas Edison

According to the supreme decree of Allah, the following are the Worst 100* Inventions of All Time. Readers are required to have their sporks to hand.

Bob Dole claimed to have invented every invention on this page.

* Allah cares not about counting this list too closely, and all ye who believe are wise not to criticize His divine numeration policy.

100. At Home Incontinence Test
Just place it down the back of your pants and wait 4 hours. If it turns brown...
99. Nasal Hair Curling Iron
When you want to look your best. Ouch! Feh!!!
98. Spandex
It looks great... on the right people... so why do only fat people wear it?
97. "Worst 100 List" Lists
For the love of Jebus, why?
96. The Spanish Inquisition
Nobody expected them, they may as well have stayed home.
95. Inventions
Even fire was a dodgy proposal.
94. Solar Powered Flashlights
Unfortunately, it was only useful for peeking into dark holes while the sun was shining on the flashlight.
93. Derek Acorah
92. V-neck Cardigans
91. Democracy
It just doesn't work, people. George W. Bush is an example.
90. Dandruff-fortified shampoo
Also available in strawberry flavour
89. Sound-activated Alarms
Once they go, they just keep on going.
88. Helicopter Ejection Seats
Chalk one up for the Belgians
87. Deep Sea Sushi Bars
How redundant can you get?
86. Language
Responsible for more bloody wars than anything else. He just kept talking in one incredibly long unbroken sentence moving from topic to topic so nobody could interrupt him it was really quite hypnotic.
85. Submarine Screen Door
At least it keeps the fish out.
84. Killer Whales
Bring back Jonah!
83. Portable Rucksacks
Rriighhhhttt, how more obvious can you get?
82. Brain Wash
When normal shampoo just doesn't cut it.
81. You
I hate to break this to you, but, you were unplanned. I mean, your father and I love you, but....
80. PETA
We have teeth designed to rip meat, which clearly means that animals are here for us to eat. End of Story.
79. Books on How To Read
You learn from books by reading them. However, if you can't read, you can't learn from books, so you can't learn to read by reading a book that tells how to read. Does this make any sense to you?
78. The Internet
Did I say the internet? I meant Bill Gates. What a waste of machinery... I mean life.
77. Wikipedia
What an awful collection of utterly useless information. Someone needs to be held responsible for that monstrosity.
76. The Upside-down Upside-down Cake
It's a freakin' cake you idiots.
75. Software that emulates an unencyclopedia contributor that has no idea of the title of the article he is editing.
Yeah! This software is the BEST man!
74. Repeating numbers
Like someone took a big sloppy one and thought of doing this!
73. Correction fluid
If you white-out everything that's correct, you'll be left with nothing to read.
72. Myspace
A bunch of 15-year-olds stealing pictures from Google and pretending it's themselves. Newsflash: Nobody believes you have a 9 inch penis.
71. Handicapped Accessible Web Sites
Why not add a wheelchair ramp, or a WAV file that says "Too bad you can't see this"?
70. Spring Loaded Automatic Hamburger Flippers
Number one cause of house fires and burnt infants in America
69. The 69 Position
Who really wants a nose full of ass?
68. Boomerang Grenade
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
67. Fashion
"Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months."~ Oscar Wilde on Fashion
66. Hair
Dead skin cells glamorized in an otherwise zombie-hateful world
65. The Irish
Too much drinkin', not enough thinkin'!
64. The Hitler Moustache
The most sexually unappealing thing ever, yet it's immensely popular.
63. Motorcycle air conditioners.
Only effective while parked in garages.
On second thought, that doesn't even work...
62. Impact-activated parachute
Not so good in retrospect
61. Seatless chairlifts
Preservers of snowfields
60. Spoon
For those of you who haven't seen one, it's just a fork with no holes between the fingers. Nothing new or Nobel Prize worthy. There is no spoon.
59. The Wheel
The Egyptians got rid of it, but then someone re-invented the damn thing.
58. Emo Grass
Emo grass was invented in Occupied Romania in 1942, by nazi-controlled scientists. It was an attempt to produce genetically depressed grass that would cut itself, thereby leaving more man-hours for combat and general fascism. However, it was so ugly and black, that few people would want to plant it. It also had a nasty habit of curling up in sunlight.
56. Humor
Thirteen years later and humor has yet to be funny.
55. Man
They just keep dyin'
54. Soap Operas
Not once have they had anything to do with soap or the opera.
53. The Number 57
Ten bucks said you clicked on "Edit" before reading this.
52. Keith Richard's Coffin
It's never gonna be used.
53. The Vegetarian Steakhouse
It's finger-lickin' good if you just give it a finger-lickin' chance!
52. America.
What's the point?
51. Student Government
Why act like students have power when they really don't?
50. Automobile
Overwhelmingly responsible for the majority of accidental deaths in the United States.
49. Air
It's polluted and bad for your health.
48. The inflatable dartboard
Good for only one game, if that game only has one player....... and one dart.
47. Encyclopædia Dramatica
Even worse than Wikipedia!
46. Books
Need I say more?
45. Beginnner guides
If I can't screw myself over for not seeing it, then your a terrorist.
Expletive Deleter.jpg
44. Black highlighter
Yes, it marks your text nicely, but you can't read what you marked!
43. The word 'dude'
Dude, it's like overused, radical G yo!!!
42. Death
Look at comics, when I hit the bucket I'm just gonna turn back time and sacrifice goats like Superman.
41. Dead people
Talk about dull....
40. Heart surgery.... Dick Cheney.
39. Jack Thompson
Because we really need more Americans who pull kids off buses and makes them protest violent games they probably enjoy thoroughly.
38. Fat People
For God's sake man! How much bloody space do they need? They are just wasting valuable air and food! I say weightwatchers becomes compulsory throughout the country! Death to the clinically obese heathens!
37. Chuck Norris
Say no more... Worst Action Actor in History, he was never acting...
36. Daniel Rotollo
Yep... a freak of nature...
35. Number 36
34. People's sayings
"It's always in the last place you look" - Of course it fucking is, if you've already found it why would you keep looking for it?
33. Glass bottom boats
"Hey guys, how about we go out and sit in a boat that has a thin pane of glass built in the bottom so we can get a better look at bull and hammerhead sharks in their natural environment?- Note the names of the sharks.
32. Digital Versatile Disk
It just goes round and round and round...Totally pointless.
31. People Who Don't Use Capital Letters When Editing Uncyclopedia Articles.
30. People Who Know They Should Change The last Few Lines In Uncyclopedia Articles To Actually Be Funny But Really Can't Be Bothered.
29. The Number 29
Number 28 and 30 just wasn't good enough for you, huh? You just had to squeeze yourself in there, didn't you? You make me sick!
28. Worst 100 lists that only go to 28 and no. 30.
What can I say about 30? Really.
27. The Japanese
Don't blame god, anyone can make such a mistake.
26. Dehydrated Water in a Bottle
Preparation and usage:simply add water and drink.

Hey No. 53.... you owe me ten bucks. I'll sue... just you wait

25. Jesus
"The Son of God" my ass. He got killed by being nailed to a plank of "Wood"!
23. Firestone Tires... Nuff said.
22. Polar Star
The spur is infinitesimally better.
21. Barney the Dinosaur
This is exactly why you have mini-jihads sprouting up in your neighbourhood.
20. Waiting in Line
Hey No... 24! The end of the queue is back behind the dinosaur and the tires.
24. Cutting in Line
19. High heels
Lots of money for very little material whose sole (sorry) purpose is to inflict grievous wounds to the wearer, in turn inflicting grievous whining to the partner.
18. Horses
Automobiles are much faster and do not poop in the street. Well, except for the Lada...
17. The Wheel
Did you know that automobile fatalities have more than quintupled since its invention?
16. Automatic Pelican Waxer
15. Reuseable nuclear bomb.
This will detonate the nuclear bomb saving the shell which flies away and must be picked up. After that the user has to do is to put another load of explosive material in it to detonate it again.
14. Water.
Need we say more?
13. The Number 13
What's the point of this number, really? Strictly speaking, it doesn't even exist. Ever seen a thirteenth floor? Q.E.D.
12. Suede raincoats
Self-explanatory, I trust.
11. The universe.
Most of it's just empty space. In 100 billion years or less it'll expire from heat death. So what's the point?
10. Cell phones.
9. Oscar Wilde
8. The Saying "O No You Didn't"
You saw me do it! Are you blind! By the way O No you didn't to No. 9
7. Lucky Number 7
What made it so special?
6. The "..."
Finish the freakin thought!
5. People who think they can dance
Disco's dead and you will be too if you keep that up.
4. The Clock
Without this invention you'd never be late to work!
1. Vaqndalism to Uncyclopedia
Just urghhhhhh *vomits*

Honorable mentions