Worst reasons to become an American Christian

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A side benefit of converting is that you are able to donate money to people like this. This one was snagged from Amazing Facts as some from Anointed Writers Spotlight accused our own of ignorance but he revealed how the King James Only Movement has Anglo ties. See White People for the examples how they give misinformation. The church from King James Only Examined blog entry shared one of the graphics snagged from the page too.

American Christianity is continually attracting converts, despite its strictures on your behavior and the demands on your time. The general reader may seek a reference source for reasons to convince himself to go through with it, and the world's finest collection of facts is pleased to deliver one on this page.

There's insight here as you can look what Luke Perry portrayed on HBO and some of the cast members of SNL who use modern versions of The Bible; some here may had ditched rational thought. Plagiarism is on the table as Ray Comfort may had found how to blatantly do this as was making Charles Darwin into a villain.

The real villain revealed to be Kent Hovind as his second wife left him over this as her research in short answer she didn't want to be a leading lady in the next debacle. So on with the funny right okay we're setting those up for the funnier this gets the better, Southern Baptists might squirm a bit because of Grace Chapel: Science playing a prank that also had ties to Assemblies of God with what was shared of Mel Gibson speaking with his talent playing Christ in Passion of the Christ. Some of the following one may end up fodder for the Tumblr blog, Christian Nightmares, Not The Babylon Bee, and The Babylon Bee as we're avoiding Christianese terms with how this article is presented in parts.

Those of you who go quoting verse for verse, we're pulling out the verses to discuss within the list as there are a few to go around. We're going to ruffle up some feathers a bit, as while others were going, "That's not funny."

Keep going it gets as funny as the article Fan Fiction and Paula Deen when looking close enough. It's about to be interesting with the findings. The contributors here love to be researched with their findings for the funny as the list became more visual too.


The main reason to become an American Christian is that it confers impunity. That is, you can misbehave, because being a good American Christian means that you did not. In an era of rampant corporate corruption, you can run a giant company like Worldcom and people will think you are different, up to the very day it crashes and burns. This is the same effect as U.S. Presidents Bill Clinton and Barack Obama being "Constitutional Law lecturers" (though the word they used is "professor"), and everyone assuming that all their Presidential acts were Constitutional. The former even toted an oversized Bible, for additional impunity. (George W. Bush merely flew fighter jets, something that said nothing at all about him.)

The whole buying into the American Christian Nation argument where Philippines has the more distinct honor of having this tagged to them. Though like the States it's a secular nation by law; don't tell Baptists this because they'd be red faced when they say the states roots are Deism. The admin from the U.K. suggested a title change to the Worst Reasons to be a Christian stateside, okay the bear with us with the long captions, they're there for reason -- the funnier comes when like the NIV and The Living Bible are footnoted. Where's the funny -- keep reading.

“Deism * In general, deism refers to what can be called natural religion, the acceptance of a certain body of religious knowledge that is inborn in every person or that can be acquired by the use of reason and the rejection of religious knowledge when it is acquired through either revelation or the teaching of any church.”

~ Encyclopedia Britianica

Winning arguments[edit]

See Southern Baptists or Baptist

“Well she does have a bit of a problem with reason and logic”

~ Natralis Historia, science website via facebook.

American Christians win more arguments than non-American Christians, regardless of who is right. The American Christian can quote the Bible, adding chapter and verse. The American Christian doesn't have to cite the correct chapter and verse, because his adversary won't know any better. If the adversary uses even a mild euphemism like Cripes, you can get red-faced and exclaim, "Take not the name of the Lord thy God in vain!!!" and probably make him lose his train of thought. There are arguments where the young earth creationists are set up to lose and the questions become stumping because they're told not to question what they were told. The funny arrives when you ask them the question if they read about Christian Nightmares or The Babylon Bee. Don't believe us? Look up the article Southern Baptists and you will see one of the responses from Pensacola Theological Seminary as we're refraining from the counter arguments.[1]

The quote below -- there are some who will use the f-strike in place of saying "Maledetto figlio di puttana" Or the fun with what appeared in the pages of The Message Bible where the tongue becomes "God bless you" turns into "God damn you!"

“Of all the synonyms associated with the taking of God’s name in vain, the one most closely identified is blaspheme. Some others include curse, abuse, profane, desecrate and revile. The bottom line is still the bottom line: God is making it very clear that blasphemy is the use of His name in any way other than to glorify Him alone! This means we can blaspheme by speaking God’s name irreverently and by using God’s name unlovingly.”

~ Don Wilton, 2013, BillyGraham.org

Then invite a word from the Bible as a protest of him, "Do you drink your own piss you legalistic bastard! Tell me do you drink your pastor's own piss for communion."

How red-faced will Ken Ham be when looking at this. Well Pat Robertson might find humor in this, "Let's not make a joke of ourselves." The SNL alumni had shared something that came from the Hovind camp, our own said, "Wait a minute. There's something in between the two arguments. There's no stalemate on either side or check mate for that matter. If you're looking at this the right way." [2]

In debates, the American Christian uttereth words, and useth grammar, that his opponent hath never heard before. The American Christian doth put his opponent off base as he simply addresseth him as "thou." Thith like getting into a heated exchange with God Himself. That would be a King James Only who uses examples of the argument in question, no one speaks like that and The Living Bible is more how one speaks. Pascal's Wager is a Philosophical debate the American Christian goes for but never studied Philosophy to effectively belt this out.

The opponent wilt in submission to the American Christian. [3] After a few years of this, thou mayst even begin to understand Pat Robertson. In recent events they'd be outraged because he played with 2 Kings 18:27 as a paraphrase then said young earth creationists are deaf, dumb and blind. Unless that Christian was Eric Hovind vs the small press collective where they really are researched with their subject matter.

Researching an argument becomes easier. You need only study one Book, instead of the increasing flood of modern research. And if you lean heavily enough on the Bible during arguments, you will eventually fall in with a crowd that will show you how to paper over all the contradictions. Attempt to do a thesis where Genesis as a literal event will not fly over with those who are Science minded.

Though there are Atheists who are blindsided when they deal with Christians who approach with no stalemate between them if seen the right way. If you get your research from Georgia Purdom (see White People and featured on CreationWiki.) The comment came from a faith site that does real research and reads the science patterns though he said he has read up on the Mazon Creek fossil.

Cherry-Picking and Toilet Fishing[edit]

You clearly ignore the more violent passages as this is one of them:

“But Jael, the wife of Heber, took a tent peg and a hammer and quietly went to Sisera. Since he was very tired, he was in a deep sleep. She hammered the tent peg through the side of Sisera’s head and into the ground. And so Sisera died.”

~ Judges 4:21, NCV [4]

The question do they use this defense in Domestic Violence cases where hell as no fury than woman scored, beware the tent peg and hammer. The whole thing RationalWiki played up the term known as toilet fishing as the joke about Kent Hovind and Ken Ham pulling their knowledge from their...... And yes we are not going to say well think cook with it and eat after one taken a piss. This is also known as an argument from the asshole, as in they pulled out the argument from their ass. The joke response, "Tell me you didn't pull a rabbit out of your ass."

The funny comes when finds a meme about Ba'al and one calls the God of Independent Baptists one; then have fun with the f-bomb replacement "What In The Literal Flood" as The Babylon Bee had the article about this. Eric Hovind would ban people for cussing, blasphemy and abuse from his facebook page. One of the quotes on Illinois was a real response to his father's page where the word 'fuck' was well timed. They would play the verses that justify censorship on many when the one who had used an abrasive term on Answers in Genesis which came from The Old Testament. The funnier response when came "Piss Drinking Bastard" came from it.

Hands down the best prank meme a Christian can play when they're science minded. See Clickbait and both have trigger warnings. The parent website of them was trying to keep a straight face when one said, "you out-Babylon Bee'd The Babylon Bee. The prank has ties to Assemblies of God but someone took this one step further..

“ this rubs me the wrong way. Yes, Jesus suffered more than we could imagine, but he did it by choice FOR us, so that we might have a direct path to God. Part of that means he wants to develop a relationship and hear about our troubles and ask Him for things we need. This meme, to me, says “shut up about your life” and drives a wedge rather than encouraging communication.”

~ One of the responses to Grace Chapel: Science [5]

Then there's this tidbit from The Babylon Bee, wait for the funny, "My agent found a great stunt double, Heath, who just does excellent work saying all kinds of low-grade cuss words." We don't know if Kirk of Growing Pains needs a stunt tongue as he has his wife as a stunt kisser when it comes to kissing scenes.


Look up what Ray Comfort did as Faith based media caught wind and starting a long overdue investigation of what he ended up doing. The report from 2018 relates. The discussion was long overdue as pastor who has Chicago ties caught the term known as academic dishonesty; where Answers in Genesis and their collective may as well had plagiarized to make themselves look valid. The parts of this will be paired up with the UnNews lining up with key players in the movements. There are admins saying there are some that may not appreciate this, but there's something there (and having pages here with him. Jackpot or as they say in Chicago, Paydirt.) Warning the next parts might be scary for some viewers so please be advised they're fond of scare tactics so we're forking this with Wikipedia and taking cues from more than one source. This might be funny in parts others invite trigger warnings. Even Encyclopedia Dramatica pounced Comfort.

There are a few wikias that caught him and it was the Atheism wikia that revealed where the question if he plagiarized then the other Christian channels caught wind and became educated fast on the issue. Some within the genre sector had a widespread problem with this in David Boyer. [6]

“Publishers choose authors with surefire platform numbers to hedge their risk (understandable, since theirs is a business, not a ministry). Ministry leaders with overextended schedules must create content to feed that hungry machine. Under pressure, they may hire others to write their books (and their ghostwriters may lift content), they may blatantly take words from others, or they may be so overtaxed that they neglect to attribute and cite sources.”

~ Religion News, 2018 report, Mary DeMuth [7]

Submitted and created by one of our own based upon a Huffington Post article. This is property attributed too in the graphic. Discussion about indoctrination played up when first appeared, snagged from a Baptist facebook page and cropped up the scripture to just the image.

We want to address this as the worst reason for those to come to the faith is they are lead there by plagiarism. Not by the verse "Write the Vision..." And taking it to heart, hence minimal quoting Scripture and actual writing takes one a long way. The response to finding out Ray Comfort blatantly plagiarized well it's a question why his Vanity Press is still in business knowing that. The one who snagged the twice published work hid being the Good Little Christian bit then he saw a barrage of cracks about producing a bastard with his wife. This plagiarist was from Something Awful.

No matter what we have to spell this out to you, it is written thou shall not steal. [8], the accusations of theft and shoplifting came to our own when he was in an American Christian bookstore when they had one in Glendale Heights. The dirty look he gave them was "I never cheated on a science test, you're going to assume I was shop lifting. I beg your pardon?" There are moments where one has to call them out for being a dick.

Where is the funny one asks? It's when an American Christian call them out on it and ask did they plagiarize when the ones who referenced the Hell House attraction didn't plagiarize a single word of their work. Proper attribution comes key when funny plays up, Ray Comfort famously tapped Kirk Cameron as the UnNews stories concerning his collaborator becomes more shocking than funny. Or where one comes from an immigrant family who calls them on Catholic-bashing and end up comes up with what translates to something quite vulgar on Italian on White People. And let's not forget the publisher of the New International Version. Parent outfit busting one for doing the deed so confrontation of a plagiarist can either be gentle or throw them under a bus. The question how much does the worst reasons come when a conversion comes from a plagiarized work?

“So far I consider Patriot Bible University as five stars. Some people have called this university a diploma mill. I do not see it so far. I consider this university a ministry of Jesus. Maybe i am wrong. I will tell you in year if i am wrong. All this disagreement is because of one man s dissertation. One man does not make up the whole university. The failed dissertation is the fault of the man not the university. If this university teaches Jesus from the bible. What is the problem if it does not measure up the some men standards?”

~ Review Kissing Up to Patriot Bible University

Then you have it right there folks, the diploma mill of all diploma mills. Your degree here, well consider it not even worthy to get a job working for the late Sam Walton.

Itchy Ears[edit]

This is a slippery slope with discussions as we're fleshing this part and where's the funny one may ask this one is cited by CreationWiki and God forbid one uses the argument "Floodidit" or "Flood did it," then A wizard did it. More or less so pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.

This is the part about the science of medicine that scares young earth creationists more than anything. How much does a doctor often play God?

“The Hamites have been the great 'servants' of mankind in the following ways, among many others: they were the original explorers and settlers of practically all parts of the world, following the dispersion at Babel; they were the first cultivators of most of the basic food staples of the world, such as potatoes, corn, beans, cereals, and others, as well as the first ones to domesticate most animals. They developed most of the basic types of structural forms and building tools and materials; they were the first to develop fabrics for clothing and various sewing and weaving devices; they were the discoverers and inventors of an amazingly wide variety of medicines and surgical practices and instruments; most of the concepts of basic mathematics, including algebra, geometry, and trigonometry were developed by Hamites; the machinery of commerce and trade--money, banks, postal systems, etc.--were invented by them; they developed paper, ink, block printing, movable type, and other accoutrements of writing and communication. It seems that almost no matter what the particular device or principle or system may be, if one traces back far enough, he will find that it originated with the Sumerians or Egyptians or early Chinese or some other Hamitic people. Truly they have been the 'servants' of mankind in a most amazing way.”

~ Henry M. Morris, The Beginning Of the World

Creationism becomes the young earth creationists thesis a climate of ideas then end up vehemently air quotes "Science" when American Christians who see no stalemate between the two. The King James Only getting published end up getting deemed disqualified to speak of anything if they're published with Xulon Publishing. The ones who edited this had been deemed a young earth creationists nightmare where he could use Scripture and then real research within the science networks along with real media. Fearfully made; or when they never overcame their everlasting fear of the dark.

The sad thing with this meme, the truth of questioning the factor. "Who is Adam?" As that's a favorite question of Hugh Ross, that question would turn Ken Ham red-faced and pissed because Robertson pleaded for him to give it a rest.

The Chewbacca defense plays up when you ask a rhetorical and see someone use Scripture on them, ends up on a backfire when they studied Philosophy and it would often the Young Earth Creationist that fires Col 2:8 at the educated. The young earth creationist has to rely entirely on Witness Wear to show that CreationWiki was their validity.

Watch them get red-faced when you ask them about Kennewick Man as they're not prepared to give an answer. The question when someone plays God -- this sends them in an uproar and the darker side of both young earth creationism and medicine become the framework for The Babylon Bee to invite H. P. Lovecraft to the discussion. Okay the admins are going, "Show me the funny!"

Show you the funny pictured the ancient relative of Jaws in the water with one of the large animals from the Ark of Noah during the deluge. That fin breaks water, God's oldest killing machine looking for a tasty snack. All those left in the waters trying thread water becomes blood from what they were bit in two.

“Those who mock, spread hatred, or cuss even slightly will be banned.”

~ Ray Comfort

Straight from the plagiarists mouth as I am sure we're giving The Babylon Bee and Christian Nightmares something to mine from; we're giving them the credit for the sources on the findings along with major media outlets too. This is a real response and man what can we say, priceless, "Faith is not a truth or objective fact hardly subjective. It’s just a belief in whatever you want to believe in. So giving answers is too easy. Your basically claiming that you have done nothing. Not much more than most homeless bums spouting their faith of the end times. You’ve just done it with a more sophisticated persona." The one who presented that response is an applied psychology podcaster named Adam Paradox.

The pointed question, "Did you plagiarize your introduction of The Origin of Species?"

Guilty party of Wattpad piece, "Ponder: Did God Create The Universe?" had a dark analogy of that version of Him comparing him to Saddam Hussein as in calling this one a Spiritual Saddam Hussein. I am sure Christian Nightmares hasn't read that piece but needs to do a more tag to show something where it's a longer post. He called what Ray Comfort with blatant plagiarism flat out sick.

Economic benefits[edit]

  • Quantity discounts. Being an American Christian means you will be a member of a huge community. And while there is safety in numbers, there are also really swell deals. They are always saying on television that you can save 15% on your car insurance by converting.
  • Once you follow a single Book, you will be able to pawn your old bookshelf for extra cash.
  • Tax savings. Contributing to your buddies to re-roof the chapel is deductible. Contributing to your buddies to re-roof the Union Hall is not.
  • If you are out-of-work (which you are, or you would not have all this time to ponder changes in the "direction" of your life), the congregation may send you to Africa to convince the heathens to become American Christians as well. Most Muslim nations understand that missionaries are bringing the people new options for living, and do not amputate or decapitate right away. The truth there in the States, Muslims are really your neighbors and never know one of them is trying to save your life in the Emergency room.
  • Employed When they found out you work in a fast food place like Burger King in Iowa then the answer one gives "I feed the multitudes." Then the direct question is how limited would be their education if they went to Patriot Bible University.

It's so easy[edit]

Again See Southern Baptists or Baptist.

Christianity is one of the simpler faiths to convert to:

  • There is only one God, as opposed to the "polytheism" in Ancient Rome, where one had to learn the God of oak trees (that was "Polly"), versus the God of elm trees. And, provided you pick a sect other than Catholicism, you won't need to learn hundreds of patron saints either. Ignorance from the Independent Baptist sector becomes more evident when Catholic bashing reveals it overlaps stereotyping of Italians.
  • You never have to travel to Mecca, or saw anyone's head off on the way there.
  • You want to spend time in Wheaton or Pensacola. Then those who play this up, [9]
    Is God giving Independent Baptists this? After finding out about all the cover-ups, I think so... Credit: Christian Nightmares for finding this.
  • The only knowledge one has about Hellenistic Greece or Rome came from the Apostle Paul. They don't read beyond those two books and other pages, i.e. refuse to sit down and do the research. Or hand in a paper where it reveals to be The Book Of Ephesians when they wanted a paper on Alexander The Great.
  • They never (sadly a few are much like this,) written anything longer than The Book Of Ephesians or The Book of Esther because of the adding or taking away accusation. The whole thing about Persia if asked the right question they refuse to even go into the discussion or of Iraq which is the real birthplace of writing. There are those who written full length only citing The King James Version as a source and not much else.

It is sometimes even easier, such as when you fell asleep during the A.A. meeting in the church basement on Saturday night, and when you woke up it was Sunday morning and someone was making coffee. Or when there is a heat wave and participating in an open-air baptism is better than waiting for the Fire Department to come and open a hydrant.

It saves time[edit]

The adage, easier is always better. But in truth, sadly that has one making one too many mistakes and some is trial and error. Sermons are written to make the pews comfortable though there are some who are real Bible thumper and they live to how many passages they can quote without writing a damn thing of their own.

Thought-provoking: A No-No[edit]

I did meet people who had gone to these in Iowa. Assemblies of God had a counterpart to this called Heaven's Gates...Hell's Flames. The play referenced in the published works. Those of you who are from Europe may not get the reference as this is distinctly American Midwest. The Hell House is an Evangelical counterpart to Haunted Attractions, a church secretary in Stow, Ohio, is a classmate of The Cabbie Homicide as that could be a hell house piece.

Becoming a Christian means:

  • You don't have to scrape off that "fish" sticker on the used car you bought.
  • You never have to explain Harry Potter to your children — as you can simply prohibit them from watching it.
  • You can take turns holding colorful or handwritten signs on all four corners of the intersection to get people to hate you preach the WORD! (Kind of like the homeless hold somewhat less colorful signs to beg for money or food.) Plus you can take satisfaction in the concept that because you are CHRISTIAN, your church deserves the money for its building fund more than the person who cannot afford more than a tent for shelter does for his.
  • Pretending how David Wright appeared in a small press secular mag. "Write the vision, make it plain" greets his visitors then the strike comes in when he appears in the e-zine "Over My Dead Body" with Michelle Mellon.

Christians are fun to hang out with[edit]

  • The Pattern of Diagnosis has origins in the Assemblies of God channels and College Church in Wheaton, as some of the ties came from a church in Glen Ellyn where they used Glenbard West for their meetings in part. The author was in College of DuPage when The New Living was produced. This version he heard, "Write my answer on a billboard, large and clear, so that anyone can read it at a glance and rush to tell the others. But these things I plan won’t happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will surely come to pass. Just be patient! They will not be overdue a single day!" [10]
  • Trying to explain the King James Only debate as it comes into the issue when they use Google and Bing. The ties to the said short story in list was were The New Living Translation was developed as the references to it's paraphrase forerunner The Living Bible. The King James Only Movement had no idea they saw a Gothic Horror story born at their expense and it was The Pattern Of Diagnosis, a citizen journalism work that's true.
  • Explaining the nature of a Hell House to Baptists then taking them to see Heaven's Gates....Hell's Flames. Then watch the Baptist attempt to write a thesis on the play for Pensacola Christian College.
    The church from the blog entry, "King James Only Examined" based in Pekin, Illinois, and this is their pinterst. The funny is them getting their brain picked more than once.
  • The whole easier is better argument comes to play from the Independent Baptists; when they say reading "saith," "cometh," "thine," "thou," and "ye" and believe us. They will come out in the right questions specially when the question about the word "Piss" comes out. "Ahh Pisseth against the wall" becomes a public urination joke in Chicago.
  • When they do the impromptu sword drill pending on the version the Christian uses because no translation or variation of The Bible is alike, some are clearer than the King James Version as the Modern English Version was born from this. Example will be within the verse taken from Amos 3:7-9 [11] as this will be in the reference tag for those coming to the page. Those who are from the King James Only sect will be turning their heads how the Modern English Version took right from the King James Version.
  • In Southern Baptists the White people sector, they're pushing the concept of Creationism known as Flood Geology on public schools. Then a hard question is asked they are given a Sunday-School response. [12]
  • They try to press The Bible into public schools when young earth creationism is being pushed to the table and Bill Nye the Science Guy and our own faced off with both Hovind and with Ken Ham. The experience from both become the expansion of this list and the article Southern Baptists where Pat Robertson saw an awakening of science in him some of us are cheering him on.

Answers they often give[edit]

These are some of the answers you know are coming and yes duck when you see it. And yes some of us seen the answers play up, this is some of the Christianese everyone knows that comes prepare to duck when seeing it. If one is published they use The Fictional Books Of The Bible defense when someone speaks their mind. When they don't quote they get pissed. Don't believe us; see the posts on Facebook, and read the articles on Buzzfeed to see the connection.

One of the Xulon Publishing releases and one of those who just will not do the bloody research. His co-hort on the other hand is asking the questions, but the question is. Will he be willing to explored his own answers.

“People who may need important to you but not to me. You don't believe, fine. There's historical evidence for scripture which cannot be disproven. You don't believe, fine. Your right but in terms of research, you're lacking since you deny science and faith. You day science is your ultimate authority but when scientists say that the Earth is intelligently designed and could not be of revolution, you say they're wrong and it's not science. That's bias and prejudice. When science says that the world is thousands of years old rather than billions, you say it's not science. Again, bias and prejudice. We all have them,some are just big enough to admit to it. Call it whatever you want but I keep showing you the door but you won't use it. This back and forth does nothing. You're accomplishing nothing. You're whatever you want to label yourself, fill in the blank. If you want to be in arguments with someone, there are many others who will gladly take you up on it. I find my time too valuable to mess around with what Satan is trying to do.”

~ The one who pulled, "journalism is dead" on White people[13]

The real research comes when it was from the media places where The Pattern Of Diagnosis was fact checked against in 2015 when someone was caught with a plagiarized version of the piece. The response is very similar to the one which addressing Ray Comfort in a direct, dunicatory tone as in asking Ray Comfort if he plagiarized when one found the website "Don't diss Charles Darwin."

The findings from Christian Nightmares as these images and screen caps are on loan. Looks like something kept in a Morris eatery where the burger is 4 lbs.
  • God Said it therefore I believe it.. (Translation, "I am not listening to the research you've given me. See the comment above from our own as it turned into a cussing match. His collaborator on the other hand researched The Tully Monster and was asking the questions. Saw five sources pulled out alone.")
  • "I will pray about it." (Translation, "I don't know, what are the risks.")
  • "I will pray for you." (translation, "Go play in traffic." Especially when a Christian was caught covering for someone who plagiarized.)
  • "What are you doing, Questioning The Bible?" (Seen this one play up when it's a young earth creationist getting cussed out when they accuse one of taking away or adding to this. Especially a snarl term when one gets published, those who say this -- watch for a Fuck You response or a fuck you comment. The response of calling Hovind a "Fucking Cartoon" came from one of them.)
  • "You failed at life." (this one is especially from a young earth creationist when you question their schooling background and endorse Patriot Bible College claiming they smoke College of DuPage when the college paper was watching the comment. The backhanded profanity becomes more evident as the Diploma Mill saw more sass.)
  • "Prayers answered" (translation, "Here's the tools and technology. Make this happen.")
  • "How dare you question God!" (translation, "What did you do when a book like yours came out examining the examined? Not quoting word for word, you're not even a Christian or backslid. The fact you rejected young earth creationism." The response, "I never was a young earther.")
  • "Col 2:8" (translation "I am not educating myself on the fucking subject.")

Side benefits[edit]

Becoming a card-carrying American Christian qualifies you to do many other fun things. Keep going gets interesting from here, abandon all hope ye enter here from this point:

This I want you to examine the photo, that's how Independent Baptists see themselves. Some even turned over their passports. [14] The question is how does the rest of the faith see Independent Baptists, Southern Baptists were rethinking how they approach the reading of Noah, and Paula Deen left a lasting scar.
it is cartoons like this some would scratch their head at. This would be someone from Answers In Genesis. Hence getting their contributions from Ray Comfort.
  • It improves your chances of becoming president of the United States by 1000%, provided you are a U.S. natural-born citizen, or can provide a convincing birth certificate, and don't mind a bit of character assassination during the campaigning process. Then ignore how many are not families who were not originating from the Civil War as their history started during the Great Migration.
  • One gets free membership in the Republican Party.
  • Rub Shoulders with 19 Kids and Counting.
  • Raffle tickets to Answers in Genesis (aka The Creation Museum or some of us The Museum of Nothing.)
  • Fire Insurance if one being from the Southern Baptists variation...
  • Some will eventually be allowed to edit Conservapedia.
  • Some get the honor of running CreationWiki.
  • Chance meeting with those who have TBN ties or had corresponded with one of their contributors before they became a contributor. That one is a noted opponent of racism too.
  • There are many chances to drink free wine, (provided you select the correct denomination) where it is unlikely that people will say you are an alcoholic, unless you get in the habit of shuttling between church services.
  • There is usually free parking during the service.
  • There is often free coffee and refreshments either before or after the service, baked by a very bored subservient wife, who also helps the preschoolers make crafts during the service to take home (to be thrown out later).
  • Ignore 2 Kings 18:27 aka the piss verse.
  • You can watch as many violent movies and TV shows as you like, as long as you don't watch (gasp) anything sexual content or even innuendos. Your pastor will also frown on the watching of any shows that show anyone LGBT in a good light, or anything that could involve supernatural magic other than black magic. Unless you are Amish of course, in which case all media is off limits.
  • You may be able to swing free Harlem Globetrotters tickets, if they are playing the Apostles.
  • "Bingo!!!"
  • Many congregations offer free coffee and cookies or sweet rolls before or after the service. Mmmm, cookies. Protip: You don't even have to come on time to get them if they offer them after the service.
  • Many congregations also offer free child care during the service, and during the summer, a day camp called Vacation Bible School which is usually offered at affordable rates.
  • Sin, repent, pray or confess, repeat.
  • Free money from testimonial speeches if you used to be on drugs, got out of jail for a crime you committed, or used to be a member of another religion. All you have to do is tell a story about how you did SO many bad things, but now you are SAVED! (Even if you decide to do them all again at some later point.) Just be sure to use at least one of the words "Jesus", "Lord", "Christ", "God", "Hallelujah", "praise", "blessed", "peace" and "mercy" at least once every sentence. (The more, the better. Without these words, nobody will actually pretend to care about your past. Not that they really do anyway, they just want to look like a good Christian.)
  • Pretend that Micah 1:8 is the Howl and Strip Naked verse then get arrested for public nudity for doing so. [15]

If you are a member of certain Christian groups, you can also get away with throwing venomous snakes at others in the congregation that you don't like. Don't worry, they will just throw the snake to someone else or back at you. [1]

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Sexual benefits[edit]

The Tumblr Blog, Christian Nightmares, uncovered this 1990s era video. The Buzzfeed article discusses how Evangelical teens in the 1990s. Well this might been something not even TV 38 would had played. There is a bonus that is being shared on the following one of her handstands. We're giving those a screen cap from one of the findings on the said blog. Actress Debbie D of Jenkintown, PA, and her publisher were going back and forth on the photo idea that played up. Well thinking Ben Stein and Jimmy Swaggart, the idea was having her listen to Old Testament Literals who bought into Flood Geology. [16]

Frankly, you would not be contemplating converting to Christianity except that you are probably having a hard time getting laid. If you were a Christian, you would not have to explain your anorexia but could claim you are fasting. Any Christian church is a veritable meat market, with other people of all persuasions who are also seeking what Nixon called "plausible deniability." For example, that nice young man standing next to you at the Promise Keepers will put his arm around you — and it won't be gay (technically).

When you find a sweet young thing, she will promise to "love, honor, and obey." (Would-be translators of this will please confine themselves to the article's Discussion Page.) As for the need to claim that you two are "waiting until we are married" before doing the dirty, the strategy is covered under Impunity, above.

Death benefits[edit]

Of course death is a long way away, but becoming a Christian means that a lot of people will say nice things about you when you die — which they won't even call "death" but something tasteful such as "going home to be with the Lord." And when they are saying those things, people will hardly notice the sidelong looks. Your widow will probably get free flowers. And you will get a good place to park your ass, which was certainly never true before you became a Christian.

God is laughing at you.[edit]

Now do you think Christians are capable of producing Gothic Horror? Think The Fandom Writer as that's a nasty slab of Gothic Horror from the 2000s, yes someone who was Evangelical created that bit it kept up with Chimeraworld in some form. Those who call upon God and find out his voiceless were sent to slaughter they're the ones who be looking at the abusers as they're chucked naked into the fires of hell.

Fact Checking[edit]

Much like White people and SNL this part is needed as the modern versions of Bible are footnoted too. So have some fun with this being some of us had friends who were raised Evangelical and didn't understand the origins of strong language. The SNL alumni was shown the verse from 2 Kings 18:27, we need to fork parts of this with Wikipedia about strong language as there was some who were saying "Oh Sugar" as that is their replacement cuss word.

There's you list of the worst reasons to come the American version of the Cross, as there's far more than this too. Those of us who spent time within the pews will even tell you via audio and want to submit audio parts speaking of them. Those of you who seen the Amazon.com and Mummy expanded pages, then you will make the connection if you look up Reddit. There will be saying, "Oh hell no!" Or having a panic attack when seen. Go sift around Amazon.com because the findings are as much as a ticket to Answers in Genesis but you will not be fleeced by those who practice fleecing the flock.

Some of us are museum curators and treated this page like a museum when approaching the worst reasons to be a Christian in the United States, and the ones seen here might make a few cringe when seeing it but don't take our word for it. The Babylon Bee and it's nonfiction counterpart will pounce on both of them at any moment, though the question arises if they got backup from USA Today with Museum of the Bible's thieving of Iraq artifacts come into play.

Folks keep 1 John 2:21 in mind..[edit]

  1. They get on The Pattern Of Diagnosis for having harsh language, they don't even look how "Son of a Bitch" and "Bastard" show up in The Living Bible, then God Damn you in the pages of The Message. The reference is Ephesians 5:4, "Obscene, flippant, or vulgar talk is totally inappropriate. Instead, let there be thanksgiving." Young earth Creationists are borderline Latter Day Saints on the level of replacement profanity. The Babylon Bee had fun with this too. They often use this verse as a way to rail on those who use the word "Damn!," "Bastard," or "Son of a Bitch!" Pull LibreOffice.org out and put those words or wording in there and what you get... Italians invented strong language though the English gave us the word "piss." The Pattern Of Diagnosis has even more varied colorful language and oh yes it's explicit too.
  2. Fun with this one as Kara Cooney shared a remark about being stuck in a young earth creationist trap. Some were ribbing on Cooney and invited Victoria Jackson to hang a bit because want to help arrange something for her to move into www.vimeo.com and pay with some of the ideas presented here. CreationWiki knows about us and tries to ignore the digs. This Incarnation is known as American Jesus..
  3. Notoriously Independent Baptists as RationalWiki reveals they're borderline Latter Day Saints just waiting to happen. The verses they often throw at the educated is Col 2:8 as one of the members here really illustrated what that looked like by just finding something on Amazon.com and the responses saw priceless comments.
  4. Former industry rival who did the anthology on Amazon.com, did a horror collection playing with the concepts of this verse. There are some equally horrific verses like this that Baptists tend to ignore.
  5. Our own was asking the parent site of this and asked if they just out-Babylon Bee'd The Babylon Bee. I am sure some of you been sifting around as there are a few i.e. Answers in Genesis who "science" in the face of the educated. The Wikia hosted Liberal counterpart to both RationalWiki and the other speak of this. Ray Comfort plagiarized The Origin of Species introduction.
  6. From 2007-2010 into 2011, The Horror Writers Association and Science Fiction Writers Association had a joint investigation where David Boyer plagiarized 71 authors including Richard Matheson, Dean Koontz, then a slew of authors within the small press. The pattern overlaps Fantard in the nature of the serial plagiarism.
  7. Proper attribution goes a long way folks. This is what Academic Honesty looks like. Want to slap Ray Comfort around take a look what's playing up now for Banana Man. CreationWiki one really should look into this before doing your alleged hall of shame. 🖕🏼
  8. GotQuestions.com had this on the issue, and plagiarism is hardly discussed, "Victims of theft know the horrible feeling it produces. The very act of someone taking what may have been an especially precious gift from a loved one really pierces our hearts and makes us feel vulnerable and unsafe. Theft has a tremendous impact not only on individuals, but on society as a whole. Theft disturbs societal stability and the results are feelings of fear and insecurity and a desire for revenge. One has only to look at some third world countries where laws against stealing are ignored to see how detrimental it is to the population. God’s laws are not only moral and spiritual; they are infinitely practical as well. "
  9. as the one ignores modern versions of 2 Timothy 3:16, "All Scripture is God-breathed and is valuable for teaching the truth, convicting of sin, correcting faults and training in right living." The Complete Jewish Bible from 1995 as that was a relative to the ISV used in the version that was reissued when Data Geek and David Wright revealed they had a Sunday School background.
  10. Habakkuk 2:2-3 from The Living Bible. The birthplace of this discussed in Illinois, as this has origins in Carol Stream. Website source where this is found is BibleGateway.com. The ISV take on The Good Neighbor was introduced onto http://www.thebookpatch.com as it was with CreateSpace.com at some point. Laverne EuBanks lead project used the NIV of the verse that answered back to David Wright's verse opening his page. This verse the pastor's ignore as the same translation has "publish His deeds." To discuss both this short story and David Wright you're confronting The King James Only issue dead on. And when the issue is discussed the one who wrote The Pattern Of Diagnosis made a collective shockwave when King James Only Examined as a blog entry showed up because the church from Pekin, Illinois, saw multiple brain picks since the blog appeared.
  11. Surely the Lord God does nothing without revealing His purpose to His servants the prophets.The lion has roared; who will not fear? The Lord God has spoken; who can but prophesy? Proclaim to the fortresses in Ashdod, and the fortresses in the land of Egypt, and say: “Assemble yourselves on the mountains of Samaria, and see the great disorders within her, and the oppression in her midst.”
  12. Example: "Mommy how come the pastor doesn't say the word 'piss' well it's in The Old Testament; and the word 'bastard' shows up?" Mind you the kid is about 11 years old and Glendale Heights they know how to make a grosser than gross joke by then and were making jokes about having a hard on. The jokes in Illinois we chronicle those too as a woman in Michigan is taking a new meaning to The Mummy Challenge saying and we quote, "Sounds crazy like me. I'd do this." We were not sure if she was serious or joking, until she became a video blogger and contributed her dress shot in the pages of a project on http://thebookpatch.com too.
  13. He shows up with a press release from Xulon Press, and we revealed on Southern Baptists another was getting hosed by them too. His collaborator was willing to check out Grace Chapel: Science so let's see what plays up. This one has "Science Falsely Called" Fallacy as RationalWiki had this one discussed.
  14. Snagged from a woman out of Boca Raton, Florida whose husband cussed at one of us trying to get her started as an author. Some of us spent time with the counterculture faith circles.
  15. "For this I will lament and wail, go barefoot and naked. I will utter lamentation like the jackals. Mourning like the ostriches" that's from a Catholic translation. The blog entry known as King James Only Examined spiked the entire King James Only Sect as a seven headed hydra. This is a hydra more to speak when looking up Baptists more Independent Fundamental Bible-Believing Baptist as they advertise themselves as. They tend to resemble The Watchtower Society. The Gothic Horror story Ghosts in the Tornado was huge, 'up yours' to the Watchtower Society. Assemblies of God would reveal the 144,001 that the latter speak about are just the Tribes of Judea.
  16. This screen cap was snagged from a follower, http://christiannightmares.tumblr.com, the video itself can be seen on the blog. Stuff Fundies Like followed the church from King James Only Examined as the daughter the late pastor was cussed out. Attended Pensacola Christian College. The church from Pekin, Illinois, is named The Gethesame Church, and they saw a few critical barbs since the blog entry emerged.

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