Worst 100 Nutty Conspiracy Theories of All Time

They are out there. They are mean. And they're called the CIA Cyber Warfare Unit and the Army Psychological Operations Units - they do a little more than make turbines smoke and protect "national security". And they are out to get you. They want to invade your brain, eat up your neurons and scramble all your attempts of rational thinking into a mumbo jumbo heap of garbage. That is their intent. - Propaganda and confusion - 21st century, Hitler SS style.

The Nutty Conspiracy Theories. Here are the 100 Worst of them - written by a yet unnamed Army PsyOps unit to make you feel like a complete idiot for being rational. Indulge yourself in government technical school reverse psychology at it's finest.

100-91

100. Illuminati.

The world is going to be taken over by a bunch of Steve Jacksons board games playing nerds who couldn't even intimidate their own little sisters if they tried.

99. The Protocol of all Kinds of Sion

There are secret agendas ruling the world politics. Influential financial groups are putting pressure on even the mightiest Presidents of the World to secure things such as making the promised land of Kaanan reserved for the sons of Moses and the neighbouring countries under the supervision of the Seven Sisters. As if world leaders could be made to act like mindless puppies?

98. The Matrix

The machines have taken over the world and people have been reduced to inanimate blobs hooked up to computers who runs their lives completely. People get their self image boosted by digital interaction so that they finally lose all self perspective about who they really are. Come on - where could you find such peoples?

97. The Patriarchacy

This theory states that all men in the world constitutes a conspiracy against all women, while the more truthful state is that all men conspires against all other men in order to get as many women as possible. Penis all the way.

96. Capricorn One theme.

So man on the moon was just a hoax? Why shouldn't the United States President have balls enough to waste thousands of billions of dollars on teasing the communist Russians instead of giving proper housing and safe schools to his own dispossesed citizens?

Besides, If you think landing on the moon is possible, why don't YOOOOOU try it?

95. Chemitrails.

The government has a secret plan to make us all impotent and docile by spraying os with poisonous chemicals from aeroplanes from high altitudes. As if the ordinary industrial pollution and TV soap operas wouldn't do that job good enough.

94. Hell

Theory stateing that Hell is a lie perpitrated by "the church" to control the masses. Naturaly the person who thought this up is now Satans BITCH.

93. Bohemian Grove

An top-secret all-male club which meets for a fornight in a Californian forest once a year. Referred to by former attendee, the late Richard Nixon, as being "the most faggy goddamned thing you could ever imagine".

92. The Man

Theory stating that somewhere "The Man" is keeping you down. Is it the result of some sort of push-down machine? Maybe a suction device or mutant power. No, it was gravity all along. Gravity is what's keeping you down and you better be thankful for that. Outer space is full of robots, mean robots.

91. Mirrors

Mirrors don't reflect, they're actually portals to a parallel universe containing people's evil twins. When you're not looking your evil twin will jump out of the mirror, kill you and take your place.

90-81

90. Russian Reversal

In most places the conspiracy manipulates you. In Soviet Union conspiracy still manipulates you. That's why it's a conspiracy.

89. Washed up Stars Internet Meme Conspiracy

Jeff Goldblum keeps surveillance over people at the moment of defecation, waiting for just the right moment to signal Patrick Duffy. Duffy's eyebeams will knock to target over. Prone and pantless the target is vulnerable to having his balls eaten by Mr. T. Why is Mr.T eating balls? Only Mahir and the Dancing Baby know for sure.

88. Science

Science is all one big conspiracy formulated by Satanist-athiest Charles Darwin to destroy Christianity. Scientists don't actually do research in their labs, they just worship Satan, eat babies, invent new lies and sodomize eachother all day.

87. The Pirate Conspiracy

You can't spell conspiracy without "piracy". Think about it.

86. Entry 85 is a lie!

Because it is, as you can plainly see for yourself.

85. Entry 86 is the truth!

Because it is, as you can plainly see for yourself.

84. France

Come on people, no one likes lobsters THAT much.

83. Steve Irwin's Death

A man Fucks with Crocs and snakes his entire life, and a tiny fish killed him? No, no no no no no no no. It was the Parrots wot got him.

82. Emo

There's no such thing as Emo. It's all a big gag created by Something Awful when they realized they were running out of things to hate. Using some false livejournal accounts, a digital camera and clothing from a thrift shop they created a trend that people could hate despite the fact that it doesn't really exist. Think about it. How much anti-emo sentiment have you come across? Now how many people have you met that actually like emo? Can such a disproportionate amount of hatred for something so trivial be anything more than a practical joke? I'm going to put on some Simple PLan and cut my wrist now, then write a poem about how much I hate everything.

81. World Trade Center 9/11 Attacks

Muslim terrorists didn't pilot two jumbo jets into the World Trade Center. Larry Silverstein actually piloted the Twin Towers into the path of two jumbo jets in order to kill the Muslims on board.

80-71

80. Freemasons

Freemasons are not actually free, with shipping and handling, the hookup charge, and hidden service charges they actually cost about $50 each.

79. The New Father Christmas

There is no New Father Christmas. It is the same old geezer every year. Krinkenberry, Krinkstein, Kriegsmarine something like that. I don't remember the name right now but it sounds German. His first name is Klaus.

George Bush is a Grue.

78. The Earth is round

Come on anybody who believes that is obviously crazy!...Right?

77. The Hemispherical Canada Mocking Conspiracy

Isolated cells of fanatics living in the USA are being supported by South American governments while covertly trying to make Spanish the official language of the United States. This conspiracy reaches from Dora the Explorer on down. The final goal is to make everyone speak Spanish so everyone can make fun of Canada for being the only major country in the landmass that can't speak Spanish. If there is time left Haiti (French) and Trinidad and Tobago (English) will be mocked too.

76. Trinidad and Tobago

Tobago Suffers from dissociative identity disorder and will assume the personality of Trinidad in times of great emotional stress. This was originally developed as a mental defense reflex after suffering severe mental abuse at the hands of Venezuela. Tobago often claims to have witnessesed Trinidad's action though will adamantly refuse that he took part in them and will claim lost time and amnesiac blackouts are a result of low blood sugar.

75. The BBC

All creative people aspire to have their work broadcast on the BBC. Occasionally, just occasionally people with no talent whatsoever get the job, kudos, fame, sexy girlfriend, squillions of pounds and as much fame as they can possibly hope for. How does this affect you? You have to sit there and listen to the opinions of this Zee list epsilon-brained nobody who just got lucky... and you thought the days of the casting couch were over.

74. Dick Cheney

There is no Dick Cheney. He's really an ex-Mr. Clean spokesman who got fired because he thought the earring was "girly."

73. Hitler's Brain

Hitler's Brain is being kept alive inside of a jar forever plotting revenge. It currently resides next to Stalin's Brain in a private collection of evil living brains. If you put them in a fish tank they fight eachother.

72. The Mike Conspiracy

That's right Mike, or shall I say, Michael. We're watching you, we've been watching you since the day you were born, changing you to suit our needs. Remember that time when you were very sick, that was actually your body rejecting the implant. It's between the two front balls of your right foot go ahead, squeeze it. Hear that crunch? Don't worry that implant finished it's job long ago. Do you remember the first time you got into a fight? We drugged you, doped you up a little. The outcome was almost inevitable. The speeding ticket and that girl who dumped you when things seemed so good were results of our sublime coercion too. They're more closely related than you can ever imagine. The blood of children will be on your hands soon enough and you can't stop it. The only consolation that we can offer is that it was never really your fault. You're just a puppet on some very long strings. By the way, you might want to stay away from salt for a while.

72. Life after death.

Contrary to what so many world religions will have you believe, there is no life after death. You're born, you live, then you die. That's it. No matter how good you've been, or how many miracles you perform, you don't get to go up to the magical land in the sky, and you don't get reincarnated. You're just dead. Rotting away 6 feet under. Completely dead. No possibility for parole. Just dead. That's it.

71. Various disguised objects

I've seen things. I've seen them with my eyes. I've seen things. They're often in disguise like carrots, handbags, cheese, toilets, russians, planets, hamsters, weddings, poets, Stalin, Kuala Lampur! pygmys, budgies, Kuala Lampur!

I've seen things. I've seen them with my eyes. I've seen things. They're often in disguise like carrots, handbags, cheese!

I've seen things. I've seen them with my eyes. I've seen things. They're often in disguise like carrots, handbags, cheese, toilets, russians, planets, hamsters, weddings, poets, Stalin, Kuala Lampur! pygmys, budgies, Kuala Lampur!

I've seen things. I've seen them with my eyes. I've seen things. They're often in disguise like carrots, handbags, cheese!

70-61

70. Wallabies

There are no wallabies, just midget kangaroos.

69. Disappearing animal populations

Scientists report that many animal populations have dropped due to polution, man taking their land, etc. ! This is what the animals want you to think ! Those missing animals are actually in hidden lairs amassing weapons, collecting intelligence on their enemy (MAN), and getting combat training. When they're ready they'll counter strike.

68. Space Shuttle Challenger

There was a nationwide teachers strike planned for the sprint of 1983 in response to Ronald Reagan's massive cuts to public school funding. Reagan killed Christa McAuliffe to send a message to the United Federation of Teachers. After considering more subtle methods like a execution style shooting or cement shoes Reagan decided that the best way to intimidate the teachers was to kill one of their own on live television with an exploding space shuttle.

67. Cartman's Conspiracy Thoughts About 9/11

It was the JEWS! Just as Borat thought.

65. The Other Moon Landing Conspiracy

The moon landing was filmed in a television studio by the same people who did the special effects for 2001:A Space Odyssey. In order to get the low gravity bouncing and lack of atmospheric interference to look just right they built a special studio on the moon in order to film it.

64. Anime

I don't know anyone who thinks all asians have cathedrals for houses and legs that are 6 feet tall.

63. The Premier League

the winner is picked by who bet the most money

62. Moon-Kennedy Theory

The CIA killed JFK so they could put a camera on the Moon which is constantly watching YOU

61 Scout Group Theory

All Scout Groups are controlled by Freemasons who put mini cameras in their merit badges. Their secret oaths are actually prayers to the god of scouts Barack Mccain.

60-51

60. The reduction of patriotism you see nowadays is a government plot.

And so is the reduction of matriotism.

59. Global warming is a government plot.

And they also control your thermostat.

58. Wal-Mart is a government plot.

57. Vaccines are a government plot.

56. Government plots are part of a larger government plot.

55. Illegal immigrants plotted to get free tuition from the government.

... As well as discounts on Twinkies. And they also go to the front of the lineup in hospital emergency rooms.

54. The country is run by Nazis, Communists, the rich, illegal aliens, the Illuminati ...

who all agree on exactly the same way of running the world and all agree on the same way of screwing with your mind.

53. The UN is part of a conspiracy to sell thousands of children into snuff films.

52. Vincente Fox can morph into a devil.

51. 91% of Americans are Nazis.

This is of course, according to a recent poll. In practical terms, this would be everyone visiting this website except <insert name here>. But that is only because <insert name here> is a Scientologist.

50-41

50. The money going into toll roads are collected by members of Skull and Bones.

49. The UN goes around the world, sterilizing women at random.

Including every woman over the age of 68.

48. Gays are actively recruiting in our schools.

Recruiting for what, you ask? Recruiting for membership into the International Youth for Drainpipe Engineers, that's what! And maybe a little game of pin-the-tail-on-the-Meat-Hound afterward.

47. The secret rulers of the world can live forever.

The Scientologico-Illuminato-Skull-and-Boneso-Bohemian-Grovio industrial complex contain every member in it that has ever lived, still living. They took Sauron's rings to give them eternal life, and they will soon cross species boundaries and become Elvish. Then, Melkor will genetically modify them to become Orcs.

46. Feminism is a government plot.

And Emma Goldman danced at the revolution.

45. They sacrificed babies at Bohemian Grove.

44. The Quakers were owned by the Mafia.

43. Microsoft is owned by the Mafia.

42. The Aztecs would take hallucinogenic drugs and cut their own penises off.

This is why you are here and the Aztecs are not.

41. Environmentalists have been behind every economic slowdown over the past 40 years.

40-31

40. The Scientologico-Illuminato-Skull-and-Boneso-Bohemian-Grovio industrial complex have been planning a secret world government.

With the Freemasons as their bureaucrats.

39. The Quakers! They're in it with the Aliens!

They're building landing strips for Gay Martians!

38. Gluten was brought to us by an alien conspiracy.

37. Shakespeare's plays were written by a committee

consisting of Freemasons and Quakers.

36. The Shroud of Turin was painted by Michelangelo.

35. Jesus and His Ho, Mary Magdalene, were married.

Tied da knot, made it legal, got hitched! This was the only way Jesus could get income tax deductions.

34. They use Area 51 for testing lethal chemicals on prisoners.

33. Project Blue Book is proof of alien existence

And the reason the government has been hiding news of alien visits is because they are aliens themselves and are slowly taking over control of government. Just check out those reptilian appendages on some of those First Ladies.

33. Clinton's cabinet was a Jewish conspiracy.

32. ISIS is a Jewish conspiracy.

31. Non-belief in UFOs is part of an oil-ist bias against the truth.

You laugh at my theories as to how UFOs propel themselves? That is because you only know about combustion engines that run on oil, and this has biased your opinion against other means of propulsion. The International Mad Scientists Convention has deemed this new bias shall now be known as oilism.

30-21

30. The Massachusetts Port Authority has been taken over by the Chinese Communist Army.

Actually, that would explain a lot of things ...

29. The Gulf of Tonkin Incident happened.

28. Your missing rings and jewelery have turned up in the Federal Reserve.

27. The last honourable war was the Civil War.

Anyone who died in any war after that was a chump.

26. The fact that not all conspiracies made this list is the result of a plot.

See? The Illuminati have conspired with wiki writers to form the Illiterati.

25. Columbine was a government plot.

As is the right to bear arms.

24. Starbucks is part of the Illuminati.

23. Wal-Mart is a front for the Department of Defense.

22. The Trilateral Commission worships Moloch.

21. Arnold Schwarzenegger is a known Nazi.

20-11

20. 2.3 trillion dollars disappeared from the U. S. Federal Reserve in 2001

And it was all spent on Twinkies to feed the members of the Illegal Immigrant Conspiracy.

19. There are people plotting to take over the world, perceptible to only dumb white guys.

That's because dumb white guys have mottled, brown teeth from not drinking the fluoridated water.

18. SWAT teams are led by a cabal of Muslims led by Ayatollah Obama.

17. The Illuminati planed to poison us when they wrote the Codex Alimentarius.

They distribute microwave ovens to homes around the country to take all the nutrients out of your food.

16. The lottery is only winnable if you are guaranteed to waste it all on hookers and beer.

15. Size of hands do relate to size of "other parts"

conspiracy created by the rest of the 1970 England world cup team due to Gordon Banks stealing their women and not wanting Peter Shilton to do the same

14. The theorem of a perpetual fluid motion proved through the third quadrant of the trigonometric calculus expression in the 3rd quadrant

I don't even know what this means... ALLLLAH!!!

13. Pedaling uphill is actually going downhill....depends on how you look at it.

12. That space is not empty, it is filled with tiny demons trying to suck you into cyberspace.

11. If you drop weed from space it will burn in the atmosphere and make the whole world high.

Though some may want to believe this, it has utterly illogical to think weed burning in the atmosphere can spread through the whole world and make everyone high. One you would not have enough weed and 2 the weed would completely be destroyed before it even got close enough to affect humans.

10-1

10. World War III will be between the USA and China.

Ok, yes China has a growing population, and yes we are not on the best terms with China, but does that really mean they will declare War on us? And since no information about World War 3 can be found on the Corinthian News Network we can all see clearly that it is not reliable

9. You can play golf with a bat and a baseball.

No you can't. Golf requires golf clubs and a golf ball, not bats and baseballs! Stupid Conspiracy theorists...

8. The moon will explode some time in the next 10 years.

7. The number 7

7 is a myth. 7 does not exist.

6. Toffee apple

the theory that toffee apples are a form of your daily fruit content. e.g- if broccoli was covered in shit, it would still be good for you as it still a veggie.

5. Jesus

He never loved you.

4. Democracy

You're not going to tell me you actually thought it existed?

3. Guns n Roses

Sure they exist. Just a conspiracy why anyone thinks they're good.

2. Water...

People don't need to drink, they're just addicted to the stuff. Tap water only furthers the stereotype that it's necessary. Cave men were well known for not drinking ANY liquids, and they turned out just fine.

1. Existence

Nuff said.

Honorable Mention

• Worshippers of the Absolutely Amazing Electric Jellyfish