Worst 100 Ways to be Circumcized

Everybody knows that circumcision is a conspiracy organized by the Jews in 1926 in order to assimilate the Martian-Americans living in Brooklyn, but has anyone ever considered the worst possible ways one can have his wee-wee clipped? Most likely. But who cares? There can still be a comprehensive list.

110-91

110. Sticking your dick inside a toaster.

109.

“When in doubt, C4.”

~ Jamie Heineman on Pretty much everything

You're gonna lose more than your foreskin.

108. Humping a sword.

107. Oral sex with a Shark

106. Logging Accident

Chainsaws. 'Nuff said.

105. To Be Announced Once You Get Out of the Hospital

104. Humping a Can OPENER

103. Big Bird Giving You a B.J.

102. A Bird Mistaking it for a Worm

101. Getting it Caught in a Windowsill

100. Hungry Dogs

99. Humping a Guillotine

This applies mostly to extremely well-endowed individuals, who would actually be able to receive pleasure from tapping the neck-hole. if this happens to be your thing, have fun, be safe; wear a titanium condom.

98. Being stranded on a desert island with a bunch of other guys and running out of food, so you decide to cut off all of your foreskins and make a soup out of them

Gross.

97. Being romantically involved with a typewriter

Take it from me. There are some pretty sharp edges on the interior of those things.

96. receiving a really, really bad papercut

You know, like if you cut the tip of your index finger on the edge of a page in a textbook? Like one with the glossy pages? Imagine that, but down there.

95. Your mohel was a grue

People, this is a no-brainer. but, considering most Uncyclopedia readers are braindead, I'll elaborate. See, when a grue sees anything (and I truly mean anything) it is compelled to eat it. Really, it's probably the best worst way to be circumcised, because you are instantly devoured by your mohel, and therefore do not have to live with the shame of having your schlong eaten by a refrigerator-shaped monster.

94. Having oral sex with that thing in the sand from Star Wars.

Well it has teeth.That are big and sharp.You'll probably lose a little more than your foreskin, too.

93. Getting it caught in the fan.

They spin reeeaaally fast.

92. Publicly

Need I say more?

91. Questioning Jack Bauer's patriotism.

You saw what he did to Curtis. Seriously.

90-81

90. Pleasuring yourself with a cheese grater.

We all know skin is for losers.

89. During a Job interview

Contrary to what you believe, its not that impressive.

88. A Pencil Sharpener

While it may make your next English essay a pleasurable experience, just think of the shavings....

87. William Tell

While he might've shot an apple, there is a smaller margin for error. As they say..."It's a fine line between pleasure and pain"

86. A vampire giving you head

If you are also a vampire, than you can blood slather, wince and repeat.

85. Piranha giving you head

Piranhas have never been good at understanding instructions... Mistakes have been made.

84. Getting wanked off by Edward Scissorhands

He is very gentle but sometimes accidents happen.

83. Tripping over in the bathroom and landing on a pair of scissors.

It's more common than you think.

82. Betting your foreskin on a horse race.

DON'T do this one, no matter how good the odds are. Trust me.

81. Using a mouse trap to pleasure yourself.

Hey don't act like you haven't thought of it!

80-71

80. Eating it.

79. In an alley way.

Do you really think that you will be able to find anything back there to stem the bleeding?

78. By jason the chainsaw wielding mohel.

RRRRRRRrrrrRRRRRRrrrrRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!

77. In a naked bike accident.

they can get caught in the chains. it happens to nudists all the time...

76. Making a chopped salad

I always thought that the cutting board was too low...

75. Being chopped by a ROFLCOPTER

SOI SOI SOIS SOISISISISIISIII

74. Horrible Penis Pump accident

RRRRRRIIIIPPPP

73. Sex with your mom

Your lucky you got out when you were born...

72. Fan-sex

Not the cooling fans either, the pokeymon fans!

71. Getting in-between a dog and its bone

You'll lose yours.

70-61

70. Slamming a door while naked

Especially bad if pointing they way out.

69.

Just think about it.

68. Hot Dog eating contest

With all that weiner, it can get confusing.

67. Naked helicopter surfing

Extreme sports these days...

66. Buying a Russian prostitue

There are worse things then waking up without a kidney...

65. Zipping up in a hurry

Be like the tortise, slow and steady.

64. The obtaining of the answer to the age old question "If a train can flatten a 20cent coin/penny, what will it do to my wang?"

Results may vary, but are usually bad.

63. Blow Hole sex

Used mostly by deep sea divers, how sperm whales were named.

62. Loading a cannon when you've lost the staff

The cannon can be volatile at the best of times.

61. Visiting a drunken Rabbi

Peoples aim can be bad at the best of times, what if we add alcohol?

60-51

60. Oral sex with a Jack-o'-lantern

Not all Jack-o'-lanterns are as they seem

59. Servicing an engine

All innocent fun until the engine starts to service you.

58. Alien

Look at all of those teeth.

57. Having a devil's 3some with Wolverine and Lady Death Strike from the X-men

You should have realized those mutants stick those things out when they get excited

56. Asking a Drunken Sweeny Todd to shave your pubic hair

SO MUCH BLOOD!!!

55. Cuddling with a pissed off jaguar

"Come here Chuckles! Come here! Lemme cuddle wi-AAAAAAH!!!"

54. Disoriented war vet

I can't believe you fell for the "Hey! Kid! Check out what I can do with this knife I found in 'Nam!"

53. Jesus

While he has saved a lepper, this doesn't mean he's not going to screw with you.

52. Blow job from very nervous girl with braces

"Stop shaking Laura!"

51. Drinking too much beer and using one of the cans to pleasure your self

Those ring pulls really don't pull off too easily the second time.

50-41

50. Jigsaw

That bastard

49.Eli Roth

That bigger bastard

48. Frat Parties

Frat Guy: "Hey Dude!" You: "Yeah?" Frat Guy: "Let's cut off each others foreskins!" You:"OK!" ...NO!

47. Glass Condoms

Yes, they do exist...Queens, man...just gotta look in the right places...

45. Experimenting

LSD, ecstasy...Peppermint shnopps...whatever

44. Your mom and her kitchen knives

Well...you love her anyways...not literally I hope

43. Jessica Alba

Don't be fooled by seeing her in a wet suit, she is dangerous!

42. Strumming a guitar with razor wire stings while drunk

It seemed like a good way to suck in your room-mate until you had one to many.

41. Challenging the Ozzman to a "bite-off"

And you thought he only bites the heads off of bats!

40-31

40. Trimming your pubes while drunk

Yes, I know you're just being fashion-concious, but there's a time and place for everything.

39. Trying to comb out your pubic lice while drunk

A lot of unfortunate things can happen when pubes and drunkeness meet.

38. Shaving while drunk.

Well, you can barely tell your arse from your elbow as it is, you worthless dumbass.

37. Using a blowtorch to sort out your pubic lice problem

Yes, people do get that desperate. You'll lose a lot more than your foreskin, really.

36. Wild sex in a glass house

Accidents can happen if she flails about too much...

35. Your condom has a grue living in it

Seriously, watch yourself. They can live anywhere as long as it's dark.

34. Your condom has Oprah living in it

Yeah, she's been getting pretty desperate lately...

33. In the shower in prison

Those psychopathic convicts have a lot of crude methods.

32. Vandalising Uncyclopedia once too often

Those admins can think of some of the worst punishments.

31. Vandalising Wikipedia once too often

Yeah, this one's worse. The chaps at Wikipedia tend to be a tad more unstable. Believing you know everything does that to people.

30-21

30. Falling asleep in Neverland as a child

BAD IDEA.

29. Stealing Chuck Norris' hat

He's not stopping at the foreskin.

28. With a wildly swung golf club

Why do you think they yell "Fore skin"?

27. As a baby, without anasthetic

And it took us to #27 to state the obvious.

26. Nude swimming in the Amazon

Piranhas, man...

25. Nude swimming in the Nile

Crocs, man!

24. Nude swimming in Iraq

Arabs, OH MAN!!

23. Streaking in a scissor factory

Need I say more?

22. Dipping it in acid

"No bones?"

21. A pill splitter

You really think everything can be turned into medicine, do you? You'll lose a bit more than your foreskin

20-11

20. Volunteering as an assistant for a very bad amateur knife-thrower.

OK so everyone's gotta practice sometime, just make sure you're not the poor sap who gets the chop as a result of his desire to entertain.

19. Arguing with your local butcher

They've got BIG knives, OK?? Whatever your complaint is, just let it go.

18. Betting your foreskin in a game of Poker

OK so you've already lost your house and you've got nothing left to gamble with, or have you?! Please don't even think about it because more often than not your opponents won't have any sympathy for your squeals of 'No, please!!! I didn't actually mean it!!!'

17. Having the tremendous misfortune of having a 'hairy helmet'

Use the hair loss creams for god sake, Gillete Mach 3's are not the way to go.

16. Overenthusiastic Prostitute

Do you want me to spell this out for you? Fine. She is giving you oral sex, and accidentally rips off your foreskin. No tip for you! (see also number 52, and a doctor)

15. Vengeful Prostitute

Like 16, but with much less accidental, and much more no tip.

14. Bicycle Chain and Sprocket

Nuff Said.

13 Pissing off extreme Turner

12 Those rubber bands they use for sheep

Just because the sheep don't appear to be in pain doesn't mean it wont hurt.

11-1

11. Fucking that chick from the movie Teeth

10. Frostbite

It's four below and your shoveling that driveway when you fell a small flap of skin jiggling around in there.

9. Shotgun

8. The pigeons got to it

Your sitting there, naked, in a park...

7. a robbery

"They took everything! even my tip!"

6. The circumcision gnomes

"Johnny, if you don't go to bed right now the circumcision gnomes will come and circumcise you! I heard they don't use anesthetic!"

5. Satan

The devil went down to Georgia He was lookin' for a tip to steal He was in a bind 'Cause he was just circumcised And he was willin' to make a deal.

4. A Feminist

3. Hungry Lesbians

They dont care about your pain, they've already got a girlfriend

2. Rugburn!

So big cousin charlie comes over and wrestles naked with you and well...you know, the competition gets pretty fierce.

1. Circumcision

It sucks.