Worst 100 Make Out Songs of All Time

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You're listening to WILDE, Uncyclopedia Smooth Jazz and easy listening. It's 05:09 and we're going to play down the list of the Worst 100 Make Out songs of all time. That's right folks sit back and relax as these songs will surely take you out of the mood. So sit back, and relax with your lady here on WILDE.

The List[edit]


We'll start out with some songs that have a few unfortunate lyrics...

100. The Way You Do The Things You Do - The Temptations

"Listen to the lyrics - they are all a bunch of back-handed insults. For instance : "You've got a smile so bright, you know you could have been a candle". Consider the amount of lumens that a candle lets out. That ain't nothing compared to a light bulb or the sun. So, essentially, she barely brightens up your life. Even worse - "If good looks were minutes, you know you could have been an hour." That'll get her hot. Yeah, considering that there are 24 hours in a day, and the average amount of days a person will live, she's only worth 1/24 of a day in terms of good looks. So, she doesn't brighten up your life a lot and is a potential fire hazard, and she's really ugly. Then consider this, she gets compared to being a school-book (what girl doesn't like being compared to a book that everyone hates) and a crook. Not very loving."

99. The "Jeopardy" think music-Merv Griffin

Inspires you to say things like "What is your tongue tastes so good!" and "What is could you please take your shirt off?" Come on, people, it just sounds wrong! And no one makes out on the show!

98. Book-on-tape - Learning Business Spanish

"Are you going to the complimentary breakfast? ¿Yendo usted al desayuno halagador? " "Yeah, that'll get her hot."

97. We are the Champions - Queen
No girl likes to be bragged about plus she might be a bit spooked about you referencing yourself in the plural.
96. Baby Got Back - Sir Mix-Alot
For some reason, women don't like to hear about why you like big butts.
95. You Shook Me All Night Long-AC/DC

She was a fast machine is really inappropriate for the moment.

94. Sussudio - Phil Collins - There's a girl on my mind, all the time..."

This conjures up visuals from the movie "American Psycho"

93. Into the Coven - King Diamond
92. Dive! Dive! Dive! - Bruce Dickinson
91. If You Want to be Happy - Jimmy Soul

"Get an ugly girl to marry you, A pretty woman makes her husband look small" This song is especially bad if you are having a romantic evening with your wife.


Let's move on to a few songs for young children and furries. We all like young children's music, just as much as we like having children, right?

90. The I Love You Song from Barney
Such a happy purple cute dinosaur! Who doesn't want everyone to love you, especially if you are a cute plush toy?
89. The Smurfs Theme Techno Remix
Unless she's REALLY into techno music. And Smurfs. Otherwise she'll just think you're insane.
88. Anything by the Chipmunks.
87. How Much is that Doggie In The Window - Patti Page


86. Come On and Dance with Wags The Dog - The Wiggles
85. Limbo
How low can you go?
84. Candy Man Can- Willy Wonka
83. Cotton Eye Joe - Rednex

Nothing says I love you like a song with barnyard animal sounds in it.

82. Any Weird Al polkas - "Weird Al" Yankovic

Unless your already having wild sex.

81. Cradle of Love - Billy Idol

Nothings says i love you like pedophilia.


This hour, we are going to celebrate disease...

80. U Can't Touch This - MC Hammer
You had to ruin her fun, didn't you?
79. The Ring of Fire - Johnny Cash
"And it burns, burns, burns" is not the best lyric to hear, especially if you suspect your partner of having an STD
78. So What - the Anti-Nowhere League
Because listening to his STD history and prior bestiality then being called "a boring c**t" is every gal's dream.
77. Everyone Has Aids - D.V.D.A. (Matt Stone and Trey Parker)
76. I Got Crabs(And You Do Too!) - Eselfick
75. In Soviet Russia, crabs catch you! - The Soviet Russian Royal Marching Band
74. Why Does It Hurt When I Pee? - Frank Zappa
She'll probably think you have the gono-ka-ka-kas.
73. Anthrax - Gang of Four
Here's the chorus if you don't believe me: "And I feel like a beetle on its back/And there's no way for me to get up, love will get you like a case of anthrax/And that's something I don't want to catch."
72. Too Drunk to Fuck - The Dead Kennedys
Because alcoholism is so attractive.
71. Oops...I did it again-Britney Spears

Oops...I forgot the condoms! Do you mind getting an STD?


Coming out of the closet.... in bed.

70. Rocketman - William Shatner
68. Girls Just Wanna Have Fun - Cyndi Lauper

Well, if it's lesbian sex it's okay, I guess...

67. I want to break free - Queen
Not a good way to show your love...unless you're a child under Michael Jackson, in which case it's perfect
66. Every Song Ever Done By... - Morrissey

"Best lyricist ever? Yer maw! 'You have never been in love until you see the stars reflect in the reservioirs.' All he's doing is trying to find a word that fits with the last. "Irish Blood, English Heart, this is what i'm made of'. Cool mate! Fantastic! Again, shite lyrics with all these tight-jeaned arsebandits pretending to be English shouting "MORRISSEY!" eating this shit up.

65. Michael - Franz Ferdinand
It's not the best time to get out of the closet, is it?
64. Wonderboy - Tenacious D

The absolute last song any woman wants to hear you sing along to! (ESPECIALLY DURING LOVE HOUR!)

63. Any music by Anal Cunt.
62. He Fell in Love with a Stormtrooper - Tank

My girlfriend isn't a gun-toting lump of plastic, is yours?


This hour, we are going to get kinky with BDSM fantasy music.

70. Beat It - Michael Jackson

"It just seems wrong. . . ."

69. She Rides - Danzig
Unless you have managed to find a dominatrix or a girl really into that kind of thing. Or really into Danzig - there are actually quite a few.
68. Tainted Love - Marylin Manson

Unless you're making out with a horny emo, it's strongly advised not to play this number.

67. Lick My Bowels - Shitfucker

"Not exactly a turn-on"

66. Mechanix - Megadeth

"Said you wanted to get your order filled, made me shiver when I put it in"

65. Sexicutioner - GWAR

"Give-a to me the 'golden shower'."

64. Mouth For War - Pantera
63. Anything Goes - Guns'n'Roses

"panties round your knees with your arse in debris... Tied up tied down... Be my rubbermade baby and we can do it all"

62. Fear, Part One - Paul Di'Anno's Battlezone

"Brutal and cruel, another hard beating, the pleasure of hearing you cry"

61. Suck my dog's dick - Wesley Willis
60. Don't Worry Be Happy- Bobby McFerrin


All about open relationships.

60. I Won't Pay Your Price - Motorhead
58. Group Sex - Circle Jerks

Unless you're into that sort of thing, of course.

57. Unholy Confessions-Avenged Sevenfold
56. First I Look At The Purse - J. Geils Band
55. Bounce - system of a down

Unless you want a song about a gang bang then keep away from this

54. Best of You - Foo Fighters

this song's about cheating!!!!!

53. I Wanna Fuck A Dog In The Ass - Blink 182

she will find out regardless

52. Judas - Lady Gaga

Unless the guy's name is Judas.

51. Tempted - Squeeze

Ooo baby, your sister is hot


Because murder is so, so, sexy.

50. Die, Die My Darling - The Misfits
49. Die Hard - Venom
47. I Want You Dead- Kicked in the Head
46. Burn in My Light- Mercy Drive

Again burning not such a good thing and don't tell the one your with "I'm going to take what's mine!" or "Nothing is going to change what you've done to me!"

45. I Used To Love Her - Guns N' Roses

"I used to love her but I had to kill her"

44. Raining Blood - Slayer

"That would be a very messy situation"

41. I Fuck The Dead - Three Sixes

Hmm... Well, probably not?


The perfect soundtrack for thinking about the next morning during a one-night stand.

40. The Break-up Song - Greg Kihn Band
39. Severed-Mudvayne

"I divorce the thoughts of you In love with me... I'm divorcing every motherfucking thing..."

39. You're Really Ugly (But There's Nobody Cute Around) - Strong Bad
38. D.I.V.O.R.C.E. - Tammy Wynette
37. I'm Keeping Your Poop - Hayseed Dxixie

Not something you'd want her to know about!

36. I Don't Love You - My Chemical Romance.

You're not supposed to tell her!

35. You're Pitiful - Weird Al Yankovic
34. Forget You - Cee Lo Green
33. Heartbreaker - Led Zeppelin
32. Heartless - Kanye West


The perfect soundtrack for those rape fantasies.

30. Do I Creep You Out? - "Weird Al" Yankovic (a.k.a. Wired Al Yoinkivich)
29. Funky Cold Medina - Tone-Loc

This song is wrong...so very, very, wrong.

28. Fuck Like a beast - W.A.S.P.

Nothing quite as fucked up, unless your girlfriend likes animal porn...

27. Whos Your Daddy - Lordi

"Another Rape-Tastic song about rape by the most rapin' rapetastic band ever!

26. Rape Me - Nirvana
25. It's So Easy - Guns n Roses

"Turn around bitch I got a use for you."

24. Locomotive - Guns n Roses...

I think you get the picture about Guns...

23. I Want To Rape You - Spinal Fuck
No comment.
22. You Talk Too Much - Run DMC
21. Date Rape - Sublime


Songs about male and female issues.

20. Jizz In My Pants - The Lonely Island

"I jizz right in my pants, every time you're next to me" It will take about .24 seconds after the name of the title is said for your girl to realize that you're prostate and testis have minds of their own. Either that or she, like you, will realize how fucking hilarious the song is.

19. The Estrus March - The Tempora Equinox
18. Sunday, Bloody Sunday - U2.

"Partly because the woman may be on her period, and partly because it's U2"

17. Havin' My Baby - Paul Anka
16. The Magnificent Organ (album) - E. Power Biggs

"Who doesn't want to hear pipe organs during sex?"

15. Beeswax - Nirvana

Errrm...I don't really think she'd like to know you've got your "diddly spayed".

14. Use Your Head - Overkill

Ummm...which one, and is there a problem with one, or both?

13. Stupid Girl - Garbage

"Can't believe you fake it".



9. Fuck me Jesus - Marduk
This is even worse if your girlfriend is religious. (but not actually as bad as having a religious girlfriend)
8. Feed My Frankenstein - Alice Cooper
7. Harvester of Sorrow - Metallica

"Here are the lyrics if you're not convinced"

6. Fuck you Gently- Tenacious D
5. The Bitch Is Back - Elton John
As if calling her a bitch wasn't bad enough, why do you have an Elton John song and a GIRLfriend. I certainly don't...
4. Prelude To The Afternoon Of A Sexually Aroused Gas Mask - Frank Zappa

Seriously, in a blink of an eye, your girl is gone...

3. Take Me Home - John B

http://www.shaolintiger.com/2004/10/ Need I explain why not?

2. Orgasmatron - Motorhead

http://www.lyricshits.com/Sepultura-lyrics/Orgasmatron--song-lyrics.htm Check out the lyrics to see why. If any guy or girl ever plays this for a make out song, RUUUNNN!!!!

1. Meat Hook Sodomy - Cannibal Corpse

Read the lyrics. http://www.darklyrics.com/lyrics/cannibalcorpse/butcheredatbirth.html#1 Now that has gotta hurt, lots!