Worst 100 gifts to give to a friend

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Be warned that if you give any of the following gifts to your friend/girlfriend/homosexual/favorite pony/favorite porn star, there could be a high possibility of freaking out, suicide attempts, death, fainting or anything else. However, if you are giving gifts to an enemy or rival, then these are the best choices.


100. Your mom
She loves you so much, and you'll give her away?
99. A human thumb
Sounds painful, doesn't it?
98. Your penis
Worst than 99.
97. A dead cat
Not as worst as the below
96. A dead fetus
Abortion is not a gift
95. A lawn full of garden gnomes
Absolutely no complaints from the neighbors.
94. Yourself
Too difficult to wrap up in a box.
93. A jar of snakes
Venomous snakes are deadly, and nonvenomous garden snakes may slime you.
92. Porn Magazines
Unless if that guy's a porn addict.
91. Your house
Unless if you want to be a hobo.


90. Your foreskin
But how about foreskin in a soup?
89. Your foreskin in a soup
88. A one-way ticket to my fist
I would enjoy it, but they probably won't.
87. Your Viagra pills
They may/may not need it even if they have erectile dysfunction
86. Your balls
85. A piranha to the penis
Dude, that's gotta hurt a lot. Care for some bandages?
84. A rabid Pit Bull
Not the best choice for a pet.
83. A Justin Bieber CD
Worst singer ever.
82. Your dad
Worse than 100.
81. The Foot
Unless you want to murder him.


80. Leatherface
Unless if your friend's a cannibal.
79. An unhatched frag grenade
78. A baby
Sex isn't a gift unless your partner is ready for it. Otherwise...see 96.
77. Sweet Jesus on a Stick!
If that guy's a Christian its gotta make things worse.
76. A Self-Help Book
I actually got this once. It's basically saying: 'sort yourself out'.
75. Pork chops
If your friend happens to be Jewish or Muslim. Beef if they’re a Hindu, and both if they are vegan, have gout or a heart condition. The cholesterol is a bonus!
74. This guy
One word: No.
73. A bathroom scale with sliding weights
Not just awkward to wrap, but another way of telling the recipient that they are fat.
72. A steampunk prototype of a condom
those cogs might jam that thing.
71. Nothing
If your friend happens to be greedy.


70. One cent of cash
Just think about it.
68. AIDS
You're killing em, are ya?
67. Soda with your spit in it
66. Soda with your semen in it
WAY gross.
65. Soda with your crap and piss mixed with someone's vomit I collected yesterday in it
That's it, I'm going to the mental hospital and lock myself with a strip jacket.
64. A bag of fart mistaken for weed
Just imagine the results.
63. Deodorant with blue cheese inside
If your friend tries it on, you could laugh your ass off.
62. Ron Paul Workout Video
Your friend will love to see the sexiest man on the planet work-out.
61. Self-Castration Kit
Do I really have to explain?


60. A Dildo
Just to make things awkward quick.
59. An etiquette book
A way of telling them that they are rude.
58. A Baby Jesus Butt-Plug
Okay. This just needs to stop.
57. Adult Diapers
Maybe he'll get the hint he needs to be potty-trained. Come on. He's 34.
56. Ashes From the Holocaust
To add to his living-room decor.
55. Blue Waffle
54. Fisting Machine
Stretch it wide!
53. Hillary Clinton Nudes
Only if they are into granny porn.
52. A Used Condom
For Him.
51. A Used Tampon
For Her (or him if you wanna' freak him out).


50. 10 Lb Crack Rock
Watch them OD in a second!
49. A Computer infected with Malware and multiple viruses
Bonus if it has kiddie porn preloaded on it.
48. Second-hand ugly sweater made by your Grandmother
Two people pissed off for the price of one!
47. Bodily fluids
Can you say biohazard?
46. A Glory Hole in their Shower
That'll be one hell of a surprise.
45. Kim Jong-il's Dead Body
I hope North Korea doesn't see this.
44. A Hydrogen Bomb
Would go perfect with #45. Now it's your choice what to do with it.
43. A Mormon Sex-Doll
Let them get their freak on with a freak religion.
42. Ruffees
So good, they wont even remember.
41. A Sore Asshole
Goes great with #42. They'll be wondering how they got this once they wake up.


40. Rape Kit
If you give them #42 & #41, they're gonna' want this.
39. Fanny Pack
I don't even know if they make these any more...
38. A Dead Polar Bear
It was so cute. Now what the f*** are they suppose to do with it?
37. A Life Size Cut-Out of Hitler
Just aim to offend them.
36. A zombie
"Wake up dog, eat up".
35. A cellphone to replace his kidneys
Every time someone calls him, he'll start wetting his pants!
34. Death
to free them from their sufferings, often ending up on you getting to jail.
33. Fluttershy
now they start fighting over you for a pegasus to rape by sex.
32. A Ticket to Nebraska
Unless your friend has some kind of corn fetish you may actually bore them to death.
31. A Time Machine that takes 30 seconds into the past
They can use it to go back and tell you to not give them this gift.


30. A life
Since you're using yours reading this article.
29. Acupuncture from a Blind Man
When you're on a budget.
28. A Professional Lacrosse Team
Comes with a TV slot at 2:30 in the morning.
27. A Piece of the Moon
Now they just need a couple billion dollars to visit it.
26. Your Virginity
You would, if you uncle hadn't beat you to the punch.
25. Bug Attractant
I heard the West Nile Virus is all the rage.
24. Two barrels of double aught buck
Seriously officer, it was a gift.
23. A peeping Tom
Now he or she can have the paparazzi experience without even having to be famous!
22. A contagious disease
This year I'd decided to give you something you always wanted, Corona. No, not that kind, the kind that ends in 19. I’ll even throw in a free quarantine.
21. A hug
Get the hell off me, you foul smelling sasquatch. Aah, my ribs!


20. An iPod that only plays "Friday" by Rebecca Black
Unless they are looking for a semi-painless way to kill themselves.
19. A blank gift card to Blockbuster
Nothing says "I love you" like a useless piece of plastic, useable only in a useless store.
18. A wooden dummy
Not that kind of dummy, you idiot.
17. Flaming bag of poo
They can eat their cooked shit after turning it to compost, using it as fertilizer, then letting those bits enter the food you eat. Talk about nature...
16. Something you stole
Giving the blame to them.
15. Waka Flocka Flame's New Album
You're better off listening to nails on a chalkboard.
14. A bottle of your fart collection
Make them remember the old days by making them inhale that expensively deadly perfume.
13. A male Gardevoir
No one wants a male Pokemon who looks like a female. That's just gross.

The final 12[edit]

12. 12 Drummers Drumming
Who doesn't love to hear a dozen high school marching band members trying to drum in syncopation in the privacy of their lounge room.
11. 11 Pipers Piping
And adding the wind section from a marching band means that you also get to hear the wonderful accompaniment of 10 recorders squealing out the one flute player.
10. 10 Lords-a-Leaping
Given your friend already has 23 members of a marching band wandering through their lounge-room, having ten gentlemen who have a fondness for musical theatre bouncing around and saying "Oh, my dear chap" may be a little overkill.
9. 9 Ladies Dancing
While this sounds like a great idea, how big is your friends lounge room?
8. 8 Maids-a-Milking
So just to add to the overall cacophony that your friends lounge has become, we're now bringing in cattle to the mix. I hope the carpet has been Scotchgarded™.
7. 7 Swans-a-Swimming
I hope he has a big bathtub.
6. 6 Geese-a-Laying
And plenty of places for nesting birds.
5. 5 Gold Rings
The ideal present to give to someone who has a marching band and a menagerie in their household.
4. 4 Calling Birds
Because your friend will be so well rested that they'll need a bird to call out to them at random times of the day.
3. 3 French Hens
On the plus side, at least there are no roosters involved. Even so...
2. 2 Turtle Doves
How many birds does one person need?
1. A Partridge in a Pear Tree
Great, now you've dumped a tree in your friend's lap with yet another bird inside. Of course, if you were to go through the 12 days of Christmas[1] song in order, at the end you would have given:
  • 12 partridges
  • 12 pear trees
  • 22 turtle doves
  • 30 French hens
  • 36 calling birds
  • 40 gold rings
  • 42 geese
  • An unspecified number of goose eggs
  • 42 swans
  • A lot of water for the swans to swim in
  • 40 milking maids
  • At least 40 associated cows
  • Significant quantities of milk
  • 36 ladies still doing the can-can
  • 30 lords probably limping by this stage
  • 22 recorder players
  • 12 drummers
If you still have a friend left after all 400 plus presents, congratulations!