Worst 100 gifts to give to a friend

Be warned that if you give any of the following gifts to your friend/girlfriend/homosexual/favorite pony/favorite porn star, there could be a high possibility of freaking out, suicide attempts, death, fainting or anything else. However, if you are giving gifts to an enemy or rival, then these are the best choices.

100-91

100. Your mom

She loves you so much, and you'll give her away?

99. A human thumb

Sounds painful, doesn't it?

98. Your penis

Worst than 99.

97. A dead cat

Not as worst as the below

96. A dead fetus

Abortion is not a gift

95. A lawn full of garden gnomes

Absolutely no complaints from the neighbors.

94. Yourself

Too difficult to wrap up in a box.

93. A jar of snakes

Venomous snakes are deadly, and nonvenomous garden snakes may slime you.

92. Porn Magazines

Unless if that guy's a porn addict.

91. Your house

Unless if you want to be a hobo.

90-81

90. Your foreskin

But how about foreskin in a soup?

89. Your foreskin in a soup

FFFFFFFUUUUUUUU-

88. A one-way ticket to my fist

I would enjoy it, but they probably won't.

87. Your Viagra pills

They may/may not need it even if they have erectile dysfunction

86. Your balls

ARE YOU NUTS? Yes.

85. A piranha to the penis

Dude, that's gotta hurt a lot. Care for some bandages?

84. A rabid Pit Bull

Not the best choice for a pet.

83. A Justin Bieber CD

Worst singer ever.

82. Your dad

Worse than 100.

81. The Foot

Unless you want to murder him.

80-71

80. Leatherface

Unless if your friend's a cannibal.

79. An unhatched frag grenade

BOOM!

78. A baby

Sex isn't a gift unless your partner is ready for it. Otherwise...see 96.

77. Sweet Jesus on a Stick!

If that guy's a Christian its gotta make things worse.

76. A Self-Help Book

I actually got this once. It's basically saying: 'sort yourself out'.

75. Pork chops

If your friend happens to be Jewish or Muslim. Beef if they’re a Hindu, and both if they are vegan, have gout or a heart condition. The cholesterol is a bonus!

74. This guy

One word: No.

73. A bathroom scale with sliding weights

Not just awkward to wrap, but another way of telling the recipient that they are fat.

72. A steampunk prototype of a condom

those cogs might jam that thing.

71. Nothing

If your friend happens to be greedy.

70-61

70. One cent of cash

MONEY MONEY MONEY, MUST BE FUNNEH, IN A RICH MAN'S WORLD.

69.

Just think about it.

68. AIDS

You're killing em, are ya?

67. Soda with your spit in it

Gross.

66. Soda with your semen in it

WAY gross.

65. Soda with your crap and piss mixed with someone's vomit I collected yesterday in it

That's it, I'm going to the mental hospital and lock myself with a strip jacket.

64. A bag of fart mistaken for weed

Just imagine the results.

63. Deodorant with blue cheese inside

If your friend tries it on, you could laugh your ass off.

62. Ron Paul Workout Video

Your friend will love to see the sexiest man on the planet work-out.

61. Self-Castration Kit

Do I really have to explain?

60-51

60. A Dildo

Just to make things awkward quick.

59. An etiquette book

A way of telling them that they are rude.

58. A Baby Jesus Butt-Plug

Okay. This just needs to stop.

57. Adult Diapers

Maybe he'll get the hint he needs to be potty-trained. Come on. He's 34.

56. Ashes From the Holocaust

To add to his living-room decor.

55. Blue Waffle

Yum.

54. Fisting Machine

Stretch it wide!

53. Hillary Clinton Nudes

Only if they are into granny porn.

52. A Used Condom

For Him.

51. A Used Tampon

For Her (or him if you wanna' freak him out).

50-41

50. 10 Lb Crack Rock

Watch them OD in a second!

49. A Computer infected with Malware and multiple viruses

Bonus if it has kiddie porn preloaded on it.

48. Second-hand ugly sweater made by your Grandmother

Two people pissed off for the price of one!

47. Bodily fluids

Can you say biohazard?

46. A Glory Hole in their Shower

That'll be one hell of a surprise.

45. Kim Jong-il's Dead Body

I hope North Korea doesn't see this.

44. A Hydrogen Bomb

Would go perfect with #45. Now it's your choice what to do with it.

43. A Mormon Sex-Doll

Let them get their freak on with a freak religion.

42. Ruffees

So good, they wont even remember.

41. A Sore Asshole

Goes great with #42. They'll be wondering how they got this once they wake up.

40-31

40. Rape Kit

If you give them #42 & #41, they're gonna' want this.

39. Fanny Pack

I don't even know if they make these any more...

38. A Dead Polar Bear

It was so cute. Now what the f*** are they suppose to do with it?

37. A Life Size Cut-Out of Hitler

Just aim to offend them.

36. A zombie

"Wake up dog, eat up".

35. A cellphone to replace his kidneys

Every time someone calls him, he'll start wetting his pants!

34. Death

to free them from their sufferings, often ending up on you getting to jail.

33. Fluttershy

now they start fighting over you for a pegasus to rape by sex.

32. A Ticket to Nebraska

Unless your friend has some kind of corn fetish you may actually bore them to death.

31. A Time Machine that takes 30 seconds into the past

They can use it to go back and tell you to not give them this gift.

30-21

30. A life

Since you're using yours reading this article.

29. Acupuncture from a Blind Man

When you're on a budget.

28. A Professional Lacrosse Team

Comes with a TV slot at 2:30 in the morning.

27. A Piece of the Moon

Now they just need a couple billion dollars to visit it.

26. Your Virginity

You would, if you uncle hadn't beat you to the punch.

25. Bug Attractant

I heard the West Nile Virus is all the rage.

24. Two barrels of double aught buck

Seriously officer, it was a gift.

23. A peeping Tom

Now he or she can have the paparazzi experience without even having to be famous!

22. A contagious disease

This year I'd decided to give you something you always wanted, Corona. No, not that kind, the kind that ends in 19. I’ll even throw in a free quarantine.

21. A hug

Get the hell off me, you foul smelling sasquatch. Aah, my ribs!

20-13

20. An iPod that only plays "Friday" by Rebecca Black

Unless they are looking for a semi-painless way to kill themselves.

19. A blank gift card to Blockbuster

Nothing says "I love you" like a useless piece of plastic, useable only in a useless store.

18. A wooden dummy

Not that kind of dummy, you idiot.

17. Flaming bag of poo

They can eat their cooked shit after turning it to compost, using it as fertilizer, then letting those bits enter the food you eat. Talk about nature...

16. Something you stole

Giving the blame to them.

15. Waka Flocka Flame's New Album

You're better off listening to nails on a chalkboard.

14. A bottle of your fart collection

Make them remember the old days by making them inhale that expensively deadly perfume.

13. A male Gardevoir

No one wants a male Pokemon who looks like a female. That's just gross.

The final 12

12. 12 Drummers Drumming

Who doesn't love to hear a dozen high school marching band members trying to drum in syncopation in the privacy of their lounge room.

11. 11 Pipers Piping

And adding the wind section from a marching band means that you also get to hear the wonderful accompaniment of 10 recorders squealing out the one flute player.

10. 10 Lords-a-Leaping

Given your friend already has 23 members of a marching band wandering through their lounge-room, having ten gentlemen who have a fondness for musical theatre bouncing around and saying "Oh, my dear chap" may be a little overkill.

9. 9 Ladies Dancing

While this sounds like a great idea, how big is your friends lounge room?

8. 8 Maids-a-Milking

So just to add to the overall cacophony that your friends lounge has become, we're now bringing in cattle to the mix. I hope the carpet has been Scotchgarded™.

7. 7 Swans-a-Swimming

I hope he has a big bathtub.

6. 6 Geese-a-Laying

And plenty of places for nesting birds.

5. 5 Gold Rings

The ideal present to give to someone who has a marching band and a menagerie in their household.

4. 4 Calling Birds

Because your friend will be so well rested that they'll need a bird to call out to them at random times of the day.

3. 3 French Hens

On the plus side, at least there are no roosters involved. Even so...

2. 2 Turtle Doves

How many birds does one person need?

1. A Partridge in a Pear Tree

Great, now you've dumped a tree in your friend's lap with yet another bird inside. Of course, if you were to go through the 12 days of Christmas song in order, at the end you would have given:

• 12 partridges
• 12 pear trees
• 22 turtle doves
• 30 French hens
• 36 calling birds
• 40 gold rings
• 42 geese
• An unspecified number of goose eggs
• 42 swans
• A lot of water for the swans to swim in
• 40 milking maids
• At least 40 associated cows
• Significant quantities of milk
• 36 ladies still doing the can-can
• 30 lords probably limping by this stage
• 22 recorder players
• 12 drummers

If you still have a friend left after all 400 plus presents, congratulations!