Sweet Jesus on a Stick!

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~ Homer Simpson on Sweet Jesus on a Stick!

“Hi, Billy Mays here to tell you about the awesome power of Sweet Jesus on a Stick!”

~ Billy Mays on Sweet Jesus on a Stick

“Shut the fuck up, Billy!”

~ Lewis Black on Billy Mays on Sweet Jesus on a Stick
Ignore the creepy Carnie. Doesn't that Jesus just look to DIE for?

Sweet Jesus on a Stick!, not to be confused with Sweet and sour Jesus, is perhaps the most infamous exclamation-turned-confection of all time. What began as edgy sacrilegious slang became a liquorices delight, a carnival treat, and eventually the candy of choice for fundamentalist Christians everywhere. The term likely originated during the Great Carny Conversion, involving the use of several Jesus sticks.

The Exclamation[edit]

Dude... i'm wet and sticky “Sweet Jesus on a Stick!” is often said when one is surprised to the point of declaration. That is to say, if a stimulus arrived which would normally cause you to say, “Holy shit!”, but there were coprodeists about whom you did not wish you offend, you would use this lesser-known expression instead as a replacement. As the only people offended would be Christian, no harm at all would be done, and you could continue on your merry way.

(Contains alcohol. Not for children. Enjoy responsibly.)

The Liquorice[edit]

An adult treat came out with booze in it. It was gobbled up like licorice, and was named liquorices, but nobody knows why. While this treat was only popular at orgies, satanic rituals, and other sinful occasions, it would soon become mainstream thanks to those crazy Carnies.

The Carnival Treat[edit]

Jesus own brand.jpg

Like the fried Mars bar and the Molotov cocktail, Sweet Jesus on a Stick! soon became a hit at carnivals. Originally called “Sweet Virgin on a Stick!”, since it contained no alcohol, the Right and Ready Carnival Co. eventually bought the rights to “Sweet Jesus on a Stick!” and began suing the living Hell out of every other carnival that attempted to sell Jesus-shaped candy at carnivals. These treats soon became bigger than Jesus, according to local sources.

The Fundamentalists Take Over[edit]

Cosby knows where it's at. Come get your Fundamentalism, kids; it tastes like Jell-o!

Finally, the Right and Ready Carnival Co. ran out of money due to rising court costs, and were bought by Fundamentalists trying to find new ways to put the “fun” back in fundamentalism. Realizing what a brilliant treat they had on their hands, they began mass-producing “Sweet Jesus on a Stick!” and releasing it onto an unsuspecting public.

Sweet Jesus on a Stick! Today[edit]

While some ask if this is actually a sensation or just a clever marketing ploy, free samples of “Sweet Jesus on a Stick!” are available in the foyer.

Also Known As[edit]

"Sweet Jesus on a Stick!" is also sold in Vatican City as "Catholicks! Mmmmm, Indulgently Sinful...".