Llama Jesus
Llama Jesus is one of the lesser-known Jesi, coming a distant fifteenth in a recent poll. Until recently, little was known of his powers or even existence, but in this world exclusive, we reveal him to the masses.
Llama Jesus is otherwise known as Olivia.
Birth[edit]
Llama Jesus was born to an Ecuadorian Llama sometime around year 0. His birth was not marked with stars and wise men, merely a large split in the face of an ancient relative of emperor Montezuma of the Aztecs. Similar to the effects of Werejesus, this llama spit is thought to invoke a minor miracle; causing the person or animal receiving the spit to become the Avatar of Llama Jesus. Llama Jesus can be found in your local deli section at your local supermarket. Bow down.
Llife[edit]
Llama Jesus set out from his home in the year of our furry lord 20. One may have thought that as a demigod on Earth he might have been more productive and been working miracles before the age of twenty. This was not the case. He was a Llama, after all.
The first action Llama Jesus undertook to be called a miracle worker was that of curing a lame woodsman of a broken foot. That Llama Jesus originally broke the man's foot by kicking it when attempting to be ridden is something more often glossed over than reported.
Llama Jesus in the year 50 went into hiding and was not seen again until the 1800s when he took on his role of freedom fighter against the Spanish. That he could not cure the Clap with which they had infected the Native Americans we something of a problem; he instead helped their cause by Neutering Christopher Columbus by way of a, particularly nasty bite.
His only known follower was Zosha, a nerdy (and very smart) 13 year old who later crossed paths with Abraham Hitler, The Emperor of Canada. She immediately took action, and punched him in the face, while Llama Jesus ran away. Zosha was never heard from again until she became Dame Judi Dench and successfully murdered Blythe Danner to rid herself of Oscar's competition.
Death[edit]
Llama Jesus did not die, but walks among us now! He managed to possess the Flaming Llips to write a song about him in the 1980s; few people know that Shine On Sweet Jesus - Jesus song No.5 is actually based on Llama Jesus (and that the President of Venezuela is merely one of his guises)! The reason for recent conflicts with George Bush has not been, as many people believe, over Oil, but instead over which Jesus is better, Original Jesus or Llama Jesus. Llama Jesus can also be found in Tacos.
Note: Not to be confused with Lobster Jesus.
| Fear their wrath, and beware their contrived names. If you are still confused about which one you want, you were probably much better off with Original Jesus. | |
| Monster Jesii | |
|---|---|
| Jesusaurus Rex: The tyrant Jesus...lizard | Save yourself from Werejesus! |
| Raptor Jesus: Nazareth Park is frightening in the dark | And they said Jesus rode on a Mule...Nyah!:Llama Jesus |
| Attack of the 500 foot Jesus: Demolishing non-blessed skyscrapers -- New York, watch out! | This Jesus loves your brains...: Zombie Jesus |
| Munchie Jesii | |
| Jam Jesus: With a name like 'Jam Jesus', it has to be good. | Savour the Saviour: Cheese Jesus |
| Jesus Juice: An Energy Drink...IT'S GOT ELECTROLYTES! | Finally, something on a stick the whole family can enjoy!: Sweet Jesus on a Stick! |