19th century

This page is a member of the Uncyclopedia Timeline. If an event isn't listed in the timeline, it most likely happened.

Represented here are the time periods from 1801 to 1900.

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Rule Britannia.

The 19th century is when the world learned the words to Rule Britannia. It was the century that started off with Napoleon I annexing most of Europe to a French Empire and ended with a united Germany and the emergence of the USA as the money bags depository of the world.

It was the century of imperialism, industrialisation and the invention of cheap pornography. There was a move to incorporate more people into the business of ballot box stuffing, otherwise known as democracy. It was also a century that saw Queen Victoria have her name added from anything to train stations, waterfalls and a desolate part of Australia. Everyone became a Victorian. This was also the time when people of European descent considered themselves superior to everyone else, even if your civilisation (see China) pre-dated everyone. It no longer mattered. You were the wrong type of people to lord it over inferiors.

Garibaldi:Italian hero, man for the belladonnas.

Chronology

1801 to 1810

Alexander Hamilton:'I'm going to change the musket ownership laws'.

• 1801 – United Kingdom has a new name change to 'United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland etc. etc. etc. Irish promised freebies if they agree to this union but discover they cannot stand for parliament if they are still a 'filthy papist'.
• 1801 – Tsar Paul I is killed in a conspiracy involving his generals. The emperor is run through with a sword and then trampled to death. Russians are told Paul's death was caused by septicemia from rusty steel.
• 1801 – Thomas Jefferson takes office as USA's president. Now he has to run the state he largely created.
• 1801 – Aaron Burr shoots Alexander Hamilton for his lousy taste in musicals.
• 1802 – Treaty of Amiens between Britain and France is a two year time-out in a war that had started in 1794. Oranges and sponges provided for refreshment.
• 1803 – Jefferson and James Madison buy Louisiana from France. Native Americans are not given the option of buying their own freedom.
• 1804 – Napoleon I self promotes to become 'Emperor of the French and the Master of Garlic'.

'I'm free of pigeon shit!'

• 1805 – Battle of Trafalgar. Horatio Nelson sinks Napoleon's fleet in one giant bath tub but loses his footing and drowns clutching on to the soap dish.
• 1806 – British Prime Minister William Pitt the Younger becomes William Pitt the Deader.
• 1805 – Battle of Austerlitz. Napoleon takes the Austrians and Russians to the military cleaners. Napoleon celebrates with a three day brandy hangover.
• 1806 – Holy Roman Empire abolished. Voltaire said it was neither 'Holy, Roman or an Empire'. Now it is nothing.
• 1806 – Battle of Jena. Napoleon takes it out on the Prussians. However his lieutenant Marshal Davout beats a larger Prussian army than his boss. Napoleon claims all the glory regardless.
• 1807 – Abolition of the Slave Trade by the British. You can still keep your slaves, just don't move them around so much.
• 1807 – Napoleon meets Czar Alexander I on a raft in the middle of a river. First one to swim back to his own side wins the contest. Napoleon cheats again.
• 1807 – The British fleet bombard the Danish capital Copenhagen to stop the flood of 'scandi-noir' dismal television dramas. Fail.
• 1808 – Napoleon deposes the Spanish Royal family to get his grubby hands on their empire. The Spanish rebel and turn to Francisco Goya to illustrate the struggle.
• 1809 – USA's Congress passes the Non-Intercourse Act to prevent international hanky-panky in high places.
• 1809 – Battle of Wagram between the French and Austrians. Napoleon wins and signs the Austrian surrender terms in his own wigwam. 'I have wigwamed them at Wagram' boasts the coarse Corsican.
• 1809 – Abraham Lincoln and Charles Darwin are born on the same day. (12th February). They later became ink pen friends later. One was later assassinated, the other became a recluse.
• 1809 – A British army sent to support the Spanish do a runner at Corunna when faced by superiorly arrogant French forces. British general Sir John Moore takes a literal fatal bullet for his failure.

1811 to 1820

Napoleon about to fire his tailor.

• 1811 – King George III finally goes permanently off the loop and is declared legally 'bananas'.
• 1812 – Napoleon invades Russia as Ludwig van Beethoven had promised him a symphony.
• 1812 – Canada's planned invasion of the USA is thwarted by the Americans declaring war on Britain.
• 1812 – Assassination of British Prime Minister Spencer Perceval by an early believer of the Deep State conspiracy.
• 1813 – Napoleon defeated at the Battle of Leipzig. Retreats to Paris for a big sulk.
• 1814 – Napoleon abdicates in favour of his son Napoleon II. Baby Boney is three years old.
• 1815 – General Andrew Jackson defeats the British at the Battle of New Orleans. Invention of 'Cajun Chicken'.
• 1815 – Battle of Waterloo. Napoleon misses his carriage connection in Belgium and has luggage stolen by the British and Prussians.
• 1816 – James Monroe elected USA President. The first transvestite to win an election, James insists everyone call him 'Marilyn'.
• 1817 – Jane Austen dies before she can finish her last book Jane Austen's Home Truths Cook Book.
• 1818 – Publication of Mary Shelley's book Frankenstein. Launch party is held in a church crypt. Lord Byron comes dressed as man with a bolt through his neck.
• 1819 – Battle of Peterloo. The British army beat an army of French-financed radicals demanding they be given the vote in elections.
• 1820 – George III dies. His eldest and fattest son Prince Regent akaGeorgy Porgy becomes King George IV. His first act is to ban his wife Queen Caroline from coming along to his coronation as she would eat all the food.
• 1820 – The Missouri compromise. The United States extends slavery westwards but also allows the creation of new 'free states'. This is called the 1+1 law.

1821 to 1830

Lord Byron with his serious Go-Fund-Me look for his latest poetry collection.

• 1821 – Death of Napoleon in St. Helena. He is buried next to the vegetable garden in his house/prison on the island. Funeral is attended by four men and a stray dog.
• 1822 – British Foreign Secretary Lord Castleraugh fatally cuts his own throat in a shaving accident. Lord Byron sends a wreath of weeds to the family as a celebration.
• 1823 – Religious leader Joseph Smith claims an angel showed him the Golden Plates containing a story about a pre-Columbian civilisation in the USA. They talk about a chosen race of white men who all looked and talked like Mitt Romney.
• 1824 – Lord Byron goes on holiday to Greece to take part in a war. He dies a heroic death after catching a fever swimming in dirty water.
• 1824 – A confusing USA presidential election with one party - the Democrats - providing all the candidates. No one wins outright so the final decision is decided by a game of musical chairs. John Quincy Adams wins.
• 1824 – Former Emperor of Mexico Agustin Iturbide (Imperial Gus) is executed by firing squad. Mexicans so like this performance art, they repeat it again in 1867 with a different guy.
• 1825 – George Stephenson's Rocket Man locomotive opens the first yellow brick railway line between Stockton and Darlington in England. Passengers have to bring their own umbrellas as the carriages have no roofs. Those who forget or who are poor get soaked.
• 1825 – Tsar Alexander I of Russia leaves the imperial capital of St. Petersburg for a 'long trip'. He disappears. Russian authorities later claim he died somewhere near the Black Sea but rumours persist Alexander went mad and now lives in a cave as an unshaven hermit.
• 1826 – First photograph taken in France by Joseph Nicéphore Niépce. He takes a photo of his roof. This is followed by pictures of his cat, dog and a nude selfie.
• 1827 – Death of Beethoven. Sorry, forgot he was deaf. DEATH OF BEETHOVEN! Got that Ludwig!?

'Libérez le mamelon!!'

• 1828 – The Duke of Wellington appointed British Prime Minister. He hands over a complimentary pair of boots to King George IV to mark the occasion.
• 1828 – Election of Andrew Jackson as American President. Used to be considered to be one of the most unhinged to ever hold this office until 2016.
• 1829 – Duke of Wellington challenges Earl of Winchilsea to a duel when the latter accuses 'Old Hooky' of being a secret Catholic who wants to hand England over to the Pope. Wellington takes the first shot and misses. Winchilsea thinks better of killing the Prime Minister and fires into the air and kills a passing pigeon. Honour observed, they retire to a pub for a celebratory drink.
• 1830 – Tory politician William Huskisson becomes the first casualty of rail travel. He is killed by Thomas the Tank Engine.
• 1830 – France revolts again, this time against King Charles 'Malcolm' X. He is replaced by his distant cousin Louis 'Call Me Phil' Philippe. Writer Victor Hugo is inspired to pen Les Miserables and turn it into a musical known initially as Les Jolies.
• 1830– Britain sobers up after years of strong gin when Earl Grey becomes Prime Minister and promotes the herbal benefits of of hot tea.

1831 to 1840

• 1831 – French Foreign Legion is created. Only those with long criminal records or look like Gene Hackman are accepted.
• 1832 – The Great Reform Act. Britain extends vote to people with internal plumbing.
• 1833 – Spain's destiny is given to the pudgy hands of Queen Isabella II - aged 3.
• 1834 – Britain abolishes the Slavery in the British Empire. This is done for commercial reasons. Engines are more efficient.
• 1834 - The British Houses of Parliament are burnt down. Guy Fawkes is finally avenged!

House of Parliament catches fire after an incendiary speech by Sir Ignatius Inbred on why children are the perfect shape for cleaning chimneys.

• 1835 – Emperor Ferdinand of Austria succeeds his father. A victim of typical Habsburg family inbreeding, Ferdinand suffers from epilepsy, hydrocephaly, neurological problems, and a speech impediment. Ferdinand is an absolute monarch. It's god's will.
• 1835 – Edgar Allan Poe marries his 13 year old cousin Virginia Eliza Clemm. Billy-Bob is Best Man. Jerry Lee Lewis plays the piano.
• 1836 – Second Bank of America loses its position lender of last resort. Americans go back to barter.
• 1836 - Battle of the Alamo. Jim Bowie takes a knife to a gun fight with the Mexicans whilst Davy Crockett wrestles General Santa Ana's pet alligator in the final scene.
• 1837 – Queen Victoria becomes Queen. She is amused.
• 1837 - Hans Christian Andersen, the Patron Saint of Disneyland, publishes The Emperor's New Clothes. This reflects his morbid fear of unconsciously walking around Copenhagen stark naked.

Hans Christian Anderson: 'This voodoo child comes from my collection. Anyone want to play with it?'

• 1837 – ...---... Samuel Morse has a patent for dots and dashes.
• 1838 – Outbreak of the Pastry War between Mexico and France. King Louis-Philippe orders the French fleet to bombard Veracruz when the Mexicans make fun of 'unmanly croissants'.
• 1839 – Charles Dickens first novel Oliver Twist is published. Dickens overlooks the musical potential of his masterpiece, an error corrected 130 years later by Lionel Bart.
• 1839 – Daguerreotype photography invented. Expose time drops from hours down to minutes. This new 'photo hobby' is popular with those who can afford it and pornographers.
• 1840 – Victoria marries Prince Albert. He introduces Christmas trees and penile adornment to the British.

1841 to 1850

Karl Marx is again rejected after he applies to be a 'Proletarian Santa Claus' at Harrods.

• 1841 – President William Henry Harrison cleverly lasts only one month as USA's Commander in Chief. He dies before anyone has time to demand his impeachment.
• 1842 – China loses the Opium War against Britain. It is later followed by the Crack Conflict and Opiate Obliteration. China loses them all.
• 1843 – First blackface show. White people pretending to be black is held in the the Deep South of New York. Next stop, Ottawa.
• 1844 – Coronation of Oscar I of Sweden and Norway. The ceremony is held in Los Angeles with an unfunny compere performance by Abraham Lincoln.
• 1845 – Start of the Irish potato famine. Spuds are permanently off the menu. One million die in Ireland, another million move elsewhere, mainly to Boston. The British are blamed for keeping food prices high and refusing to send charity unless the Irish give up Catholicism.
• 1846 – Neptune discovered. It had always been there, just hiding behind Uranus.
• 1846 – Conservative Party splits on the issue of Free (Rough) Trade. One half want to wear protection, the rest believe in Lassiez-Faire Free Nookie.
• 1847 – USA takes Mexico City in the NAFTA War. Refuse to leave unless Mexico hands over everything north of the Rio Grande.
• 1848 – A year of revolutions in Europe. Karl Marx publishes the Communist Manifesto & Haute Cuisine supporting the uprisings. France throws off the monarchy and proclaim the Second Republic. Plenty of aristocrats get itchy neck feelings. Is Madame Guillotine about to go on overdrive?
• 1848 – Austrian Emperor Ferdinand abdicates and is replaced by a young Franz-Josef. Hungary goes breakaway from Austria. In Frankfurt a German assembly is called to create a new state. Otto von Bismarck loses his trousers after a drinking game.
• 1848 – Louis Napoleon elected French President. Term limit - four years. What can go wrong?
• 1849 – Russians help the Austrians to crush the Hungarian rebels. Tsar Nicholas expects a quid pro quo (see Crimean War).
• 1849 – The 49ers Californian Gold Rush. Not much gold but plenty of shovel manufacturers, bars and brothels cash in.
• 1850 - France launches first (working) ironclad warship Napoleon. The British are still building their battleships out of wood!
• 1850 - Start of the Taiping rebellion in China against the Quing Dynasty. The rebels are lead by Jesus Christ's hitherto unknown younger Chinese brother Eric Christ or as he was originally known as Hong Xiuquan.

1851 to 1860

The Duke of Wellington is buried with full, muddy honours.

• 1851 - Great Exhibition held in the Crystal Palace, London. It is supposed to be a showcase for British manufacturing but everyone wants to go on the German-made Merry-Go-Round.
• 1851 - Louis Napoleon leads a coup d'état against the republic that elected him president. French Deep State upset! A year later he becomes emperor Napoleon III.
• 1852 - Death of the Duke of Wellington. He is buried with his favourite boots. An offer to chuck in the remains of one of his ex-mistresses is turned down.

Commodore Perry goes full wolfman in the Japanese full moon.

• 1853 - The British trust New Zealand with self government. Australians told they're too immature/a bunch of convicts to get that right.
• 1853 - Commodore Perry offers a trade deal with Japan or will blow up their cities with his navy. The Japanese agree to buy American hamburgers.
• 1853 - Outbreak of the Crimean War. Russia attacks Turkey despite warnings from Britain and France saying they will intervene. Four months later...
• 1854 - ...Britain and France declare war against Russia. Time for futile death and glory battles (see Charge of the Light Brigade).
• 1854 - The Immaculate creation of the Republican Party. Jesus approves.
• 1855 - The Allies take Sevastopol from Russia and wreck it. Austria suggests it will join in against Russia but gets cold boots.
• 1856 - Costa Ricans defeat a mercenary army led by William Walker who is after their coffee beans.

Charles Darwin's beard doesn't quite get him to the final of 'Mr Face Fungus 1857'.

• 1856 - Treaty of Paris. French Emperor Napoleon dominates the event. He wants to make France Great Again by promoting the can-can.
• 1856 - Congressman Preston Brooks of South Carolina attacks Senator Charles Sumner with his walking cane. The attack is ruled out of order by the Senate. Only senators can physically attack each other.
• 1856 - Neanderthal Man discovered in Germany. He asks to be left alone but is dug out of the rock and reconstructed.
• 1857 - Second Opium War. Britain and France reject Chinese attempts to stop the drug trade in their country. Stay addicted!
• 1857 - Judge Dredd Scott lays down the law. The US Supreme Court votes in favour of slavery. It's a fine tradition. Judge Dredd Scott enforces the verdict.
• 1857 - Rebellion in India against British control. In a rare show of unity, Hindus and Muslims combine against Queen Victoria's armies. Followed by a rapid defeat.
• 1858 - Composer Felix Mendelssohn decides his composition Here Comes the Bride, Large, Fat and Wide needs a re-title. He renames it as the Wedding March.
• 1858 - Bernadette Soubirous of Lourdes finds the Virgin Mary inside a grotto. Mary asks what century she is in.
• 1858 - President James Buchanan trolls Queen Victoria with an insulting telegraph message about her husband.
• 1859 - France and the Kingdom of Sardinia ally to throw Austria out of Italy. Emperor Franz-Josef's reputation is buried in a bowl of cold pasta.
• 1859 - Formation of the British Liberal Party. Glad day for Conservatives. Now they know where their enemies are located.
• 1859 - John Brown attacks Harper's Ferry when they refuse to let him cross a river. People die, Brown is executed afterwards but his spirit keeps on haunting on.

New Zealand's Beefcake Parade.

• 1859 - French astronomer Edmond Modeste Lescarbault claims he has seen a new planet within the orbit of Mercury around the Sun. He says it has pointy ear-like rock formations. He is later incarcerated in a lunatic asylum.
• 1859 - Austria loses the battles of Cyan, Yellow and Magenta in quick succession against the Franco-Sardinian forces.
• 1859 - Joshua Norton proclaims himself Emperor Norton I of the USA, Protector of Mexico and Chief Bottler Washer in a bar in San Francisco.
• 1859 - Charles Darwin publishes On the Origin of Species which claims it's evolution and not revolution or miraculous intervention that makes everything the way it is. It takes a few years for religious people to realise this will include man.
• 1860 - An Anglo-French force punish the Chinese government for killing some of their officials by destroying the Summer Palace outside Beijing. This would have been like a Chinese army sacking Windsor Castle and Versailles. The Chinese are still waiting for an official apology.
• 1860 - The Maoris first perform the Haka against the British army in New Zealand. The British shoot them dead.
• 1860 - Garibaldi's redshirts invade southern Italy and drive out the local monarchy. Garibaldi could have become the first leader of the newly unified Italy but gives up his authority to the Sardinians to retire and improve his recipe for biscuits.
• 1860 - The Pony Express is open for business. Ponies are taught how to lick stamps and to deliver the mail across remote communities in the USA.
• 1860 - First 'Fish and Chips' opened in Lancashire. Beginning of the popularity of deeply fried food.
• 1860 - In a four way split, Abraham Lincoln is elected President of the United States in preference of two Democrats and one 'Constitutional' candidate. . Many states claim 'fraud' and 'Deep State' and plan to leave the union. South Carolina is the first to bolt before even Lincoln takes office.

1861 to 1870

Abraham Lincoln:'We are a party of twisted neckties'.

• 1861 - Italy formally declares itself a proper country and no longer a 'geographical expression'. Pope Pius IX tells them they're going to hell..and could have back some territory?
• 1861 - Abraham Lincoln is formally sworn as USA's President on a building site that is to become the new Congress. Plenty of empty chairs from The South are unfilled.
• 1861 - A Confederate soldier belches outside Fort Sumner. The Union garrison surrender- thinking it was a mortar being fired. The American Civil War starts after plenty of years of uncivility earlier.
• 1862 - Lewis Carroll drops acid with Alice in Wonderland at Oxford University. A White Rabbit is later arrested.
• 1862 - The Confederate steel barge the Virginia and the Union pencil sharpener shaped Monitor clash at the Hampton Roads. First clash of ironclad ships is a draw but leaves everyone with raging headaches.
• 1863 - Abraham Lincoln wears the Gettysburg Dress to support transvestite rights.
• 1863 - The rules of Football (Soccer) are agreed upon after a drinking session. Rules against eye poking, punching and tripping upsets one group who leave in a huff to later create Rugby.
• 1864 - Denmark goes to war with Austrian Empire and Prussia to answer the infamous Schleswig-Holsten Question. The answer is not Lego.
• 1864 - American Civil War general John Sedgwick is shot mid-sentence. His reported last words were:The Confederates couldn't shoot an elephant at this dis.... Sedgwick is buried in full pachyderm costume.
• 1865 - Jobbing actor John Wilkes Booth shoots President Abraham Lincoln for giving him a stinker of a review for his role as Brutus in Julius Caesar.
• 1865 - British Prime Minister Viscount Palmerston dies in his own bed. Opponents claim his ticker gave out after the 82 year old had a vigorous sex session with a chambermaid.
• 1866 - Prussian Prime Minister Otto Von Bismarck wins war against Austria in six weeks, eight hours and 45 seconds.
• 1867 - To avoid creditors, Austria officially changes its name to the 'Austro-Hungarian Empire'.
• 1867 - Karl Marx publishes Das Kapital. Written in dense German, the book (and the writer) are thoroughly ignored by the English speaking world.

Emperor Maximilian (centre) dies wearing his favourite sombrero.

• 1867 - Emperor Maximilian I of Mexico is executed by a firing squad. The Mexicans post his body back to his brother Emperor Franz-Josef of Austria, postage not pre-paid.
• 1867 - Second Reform Act extends the vote in Britain to respectable workers but only if they live in cities and towns. Country bumpkins have to wait longer.
• 1868 - President Andrew Johnson survives an Impeachment trial by one vote to remove him from office. The vote is 35–19 but fails to reach two thirds as Senator Reverdy Johnson thinks the vote is about him and votes against.
• 1868 - William Gladstone becomes British Prime Minister. Known as a reformer, he also runs a side business soliciting for prostitutes for 'spiritual redemption' in Downing Street.
• 1869 - Retired general Ulysses S. Grant is inaugurated USA President. He takes the oath of office, clearly drunk and falls asleep half way through his own speech.
• 1869 - USA's first professional baseball team Cincinnati Red Stockings is formed. Their first match is against local rivals the Cincinnati G-Stringers. The later lose.
• 1870 - Death of Charles Dickens. His spirit is seen later drinking with the Spirits of Christmas Present, Past and Future.
• 1870 - The Franco-Prussian War. Sometimes known as the prequel to World War One. France is defeated and Emperor Napoleon III swims the English Channel to escape. France becomes a de facto Republic but without a constitution.
• 1870 - Pope Pius IX proclaims he is infallible. He knows that he will soon rule the world.
• 1870 - After a brief siege, Rome is captured. Italians claim the city as their capital. Pope Pius IX locks himself in the bathroom in protest. This method of running the Catholic church is followed by his successors until 1929.

1871 to 1880

Bismarck:' Don't worry Frenchie, this war has a replay in 1914'.

• 1871 - Start of the 'FA Cup' football (soccer) competition. Officially called the 'Football Association Challenge Cup', the event is celebrated by fans throwing missiles at each other, chanting and running on the pitch to kill the other teams' players.
• 1871 - Rugby organises itself in response to the above. Difference is players are encouraged to kill each other instead of fans.
• 1871 - Bismarck and King William of Prussia proclaim a United Germany in Versailles, France. This would have been like George Washington using Windsor Castle as the backdrop for the creation of the USA.
• 1871 - Paris rebels against both its own government and the German army who still located in France. A group called the Communards lead the charge singing, Don't Leave Me This Way. They are defeated and shot.
• 1871- Lewis Carrol publishes his sequel to Alice in Wonderland with Alice through the Looking Glass. Plans to complete the trilogy with Alice enters Puberty are dropped by Carroll when Alice declines a marriage offer from the writer.

Football when played in man sized stockings.

• 1871 - Charles Darwin publishes Descent of Man suggesting that humans share the same ancestor as apes. The work is typed out by a team of Chimpanzees.
• 1872 - Introduction of the Secret Ballot to stop voter bribery/intimidation is passed in the UK for elections. Americans take another 20 years to go down this route. Some see secret voting as 'unmanly' and urge a return to older methods. Is that money a gift for me to support you? Well, don't mind if I do.
• 1872 - The Mary Celeste found floating in the Atlantic without passengers or crew. Were they taken by Aliens or was it something to do with the Deep State in a 19th century test operation? Birth of a cliche all the same.
• 1873 - USA passes the 'Comstock Law' that bans people from sending dirty books to each other via the mail. The leads to the Golden Age of Innuendo - who ever he was.
• 1873 - Former French Emperor Napoleon III dies in exile in England. His last words were C'est la vie, mon chérie to Queen Victoria after she rejects his bigamous marriage proposal.
• 1873 - Levi Strauss wears his first patented jeans to work. People ask what was 'Jean' wearing that day.
• 1873 - Official launch of The Royal Canadian Mounted Police - otherwise known as 'The Mounties'. They wear scarlet uniforms to blend in with the setting sun when hunting criminals.
• 1873 - Heineken pull their first pints in their Amsterdam brewery. Consensus is the beer tastes better than gnat's piss. Coors beers also start selling their foul liquid in the same year. More will follow in this decade.
• 1874 - Benjamin Disraeli becomes British Prime Minister for the second time. His rival William Gladstone resigns leadership of the Liberal Party to spend more time with his hobbies: These include translating Homer, cutting down trees and soliciting for prostitutes for apparent 'spiritual purposes'.
• 1874 - First electric lightbulb is given a patent in the USA. Gas lighting as a method of illumination is on final notice - except when bullying someone on-line.
• 1874 - The first 'QWERTY' typewriter goes on sale in the USA. It's named after the surname of inventor Asdfgh Qwerty.
• 1874 - First recorded and illustrated version of 'GOP Elephant' appears in a cartoon by Thomas Nast. Why an elephant? He wanted to draw them as a jackass but that animal was already associated with the Democratic Party.

Alexander Graham Bell's telephone prototype can also trim your beard and remove earwax at the same time.

• 1875 - Georges Bizet's opera Carmen is premiered in Paris. It runs for over four hours. Some of the audience are found dead in their seats. Bizet dies shortly after, convinced it will be a flop.
• 1875 - Canadians invent Hockey to relieve boredom on long winter nights. First game is played in Montreal. Match ends in fights between the players and the spectators. Later rules insist punching and hitting each other is restricted only to the teams.
• 1875 - Not to be outdone by their northern neighbours, the first game of American Football is played with similar rules to the modern game at Harvard University. No body armour is used, that's to come later.
• 1875 - Captain Matthew Webb is the first man to voluntarily swim the English Channel and survive. He almost drowned when his woollen bathing suit sprung a leak.
• 1876 - National League of Professional Baseball Clubs created in the USA. Rule One: This game isn't Cricket.
• 1876 - Norwegian composer Edvard Greig adds the song In the Hall of the Mountain King to the opera Peer Gynt and introduces the wider world to Trolls.
• 1876 - Saturday Night Live founded as The Harvard Lampoon. This explains the antique origins of a lot of their material.
• 1876 - Alexander Graham Bell is granted a patent for the telephone. He receives this from the United States Patent and Trademark Office after making a death threat against that organisation.
• 1876 - Deciding that being a mere queen was beneath her, Victoria takes the new title of Empress of India. No Indians voted for her.

Samurai bring swords to a gun fight.

• 1876 - Wyatt Earp answers an advert issued by Dodge City for a new deputy marshall. Earp gets the job and then hands work to his greedy brothers and alcoholic dentist.
• 1876 - General George Armstrong's Last Stand-Up at the Native American Club at Little Big Horn. Despite packing the venue with the 7th Cavalry, the audience turns hostile and scalps Armstrong. He is replaced on stage by the Crazy Horse Topless Dancing Troop from Paris.
• 1876 - Mark Twain's book The Adventures of Tom Sawyer is published. Considered a classic of American literature, it features as its villains 'Injun Joe' (damned redskins) and The Ragged Man (damned poor people).
• 1876 - Budweiser goes on sale for the first time in the USA. More gnats' piss on the market.
• 1877 - The Satsuma Rebellion in Japan. Imperial Japanese armies capture their enemies and peel them alive.
• 1877 - President Rutherford B. Hayes moves into the White House. First task is to empty three rooms filled with discarded bottles of whisky left by his predecessor Ulysses S. Grant.
• 1877 - In attempt to shift a surplus supply of strawberries and ice cream, the first lawn tennis tournament is held at Wimbledon.

Mary Baker Eddy working on the Christian Science equation, God = Make Believe Squared.

• 1877 - Thomas Edison invents the phonograph as an aid to memory. He uses tinfoil to record the message. It reads 'QAnon is Right'.
• 1877 - First official game of Lacrosse between two teams from New York. The game spreads around the USA and Canada and then stops...No one else can get the hang of it.
• 1878 - Great Britain and Russia do plenty of sabre rattling over the fate of the Ottoman Empire. Peace is eventually restored. Both states annex their 'rewards' from Turkey. Russia gets more coastline on the Black Sea. The British pick up Cyprus for future holiday planning.
• 1879 - Birth of Ioseb Besarionis dzе Djugashvili. He orders the execution of his parents, their doctors and anyone who looks at him funny. Welcome to the world of Joseph Stalin.
• 1879 - The word assegai enters the English language. The British get acquainted with this description for a short stabbing spear after it was used by the Zulus at the battles of Isandlwana and Rorke's Drift to deadly effect against their soldiers.
• 1879 - Mary Baker Eddy creates the oxymoron otherwise known as the Christian Science.

Ned Kelly: The Australian Terminator beats the Austrian Terminator by 104 years.

• 1879 - Jesus Christ, the Virgin Mary, Saint Joseph (Jesus's dad) and Saint John the Evangelist seen dancing and singing in the streets of Knock, Ireland. They brew strong hooch in County Mayo. Local Catholic Church treat it as a miracle/money making opportunity to open a lucrative shrine for the deluded.
• 1879 - Thomas Edison's famous light bulb discovery. People see a thought bubble come out of the inventor's head.
• 1879 - Tay Bridge in Scotland is hit by a force 10 gale. A train is sent across to check the wind speed and runs out of bridge half way across...
• 1880 - Australian outlaw Ned Kelly is injured in a gun battle with the police. He had forged a helmet and breastplate to resist bullets but forget about protecting his legs with armour. Kelly is executed and becomes a posthumous hero to Mick Jagger who later plays him in a film with a fake beard.
• 1880 - Cologne Cathedral is completed after a 632 year construction project is finally completed. The building work had been delayed by a strike from 1473 to 1842 on the issue of who worked the crane to move the stones to the higher levels.

1881 to 1890

General Gordon tries to remove native interlopers at the Imperial Cricket Club, Khartoum.

• 1881 - Tsar Alexander II of 'All the Russias' is blown up when a bomb is lobbed at him. Russians blame 'Jews' and George Soros.
• 1881 - President James A. Garfield is shot at a train station by a disappointed office seeker in the new administration. Bungling doctors make Garfield's wounds fatal.
• 1881 - Queen Victoria requests the dying Benjamin Disraeli take a message from her to pass on to Prince Albert. Disraeli takes an overdose to hasten his death.
• 1881 - Western hero/killer Billy the Kid dies in a shoot-out. Bob Dylan writes a song.
• 1882 - Standard Oil Trust secretly plan to buy the USA outright. Their message is Trust Us.
• 1882 - USA legally bans polygamy. Americans can only play monogamy now. The Mormons object, they are told to stay only in Utah.
• 1882 - Robert Maclean attempts to kill Queen Victoria at Windsor. The assassin fires and misses his target. Maclean claimed Victoria had returned a poem he had dedicated to her with comments like 'piffle' and 'shit'. Maclean stands trial but then is declared insane. His poetry is burnt.

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson cooking up their own drug deal to cover recent investigative expenses.

• 1882 - Robert Ford shoots Jesse James in the back for is crooked picture hanging failure.
• 1882 - The British invade Egypt looking for mummies and also securing full control of the Suez Canal. Natives can't be trusted don't you know?
• 1882 - Nikola Tesla founds musical scientist group Alternating Current Induction Motor (ACIM). They later merge with Direct Current Experience (DCE) to create the bisexual AC/DC Aussie power rock.
• 1882 - Thomas Edison flips the bird at the rest of America. New York will be the first city to receive the new electric power.
• 1882 - Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture debuts in Russia. At the climax of the music, loaded cannons are fired into the ceiling.
• 1882 - The British navy sends the 'screw you class' gunboat HMS Flirt bombards a village for 'making fun at our Queen'.
• 1883 - Death of Karl Marx after he inhales his beard and chokes to death.
• 1883 - The Adventures of Pinocchio first published. The book by Carlo Collodi was originally a lot ruder as it wasn't Pinocchio's lying nose that got him into trouble but another part of his anatomy.
• 1883 - Scottish drug addict Robert Louis Stevenson publishes Treasure Island. The books mix of pirates, appalling 'West Country' accents and a one legged chef quickly finds an audience!
• 1883 - Yeehaw!, the first official rodeo is held in Pecos, Texas. The idea was to encourage cowboys to take up other hobbies besides drinking, gambling and whoring.
• 1883 - Krakatoa volcano blows up and kills 40,000 people in Indonesia. A lot of dead but nearly all are locals. Few Europeans affected.
• 1883 - First permanent Canadian military regiments created to fend off Grizzly bears from breaking out of The Rockies.
• 1883 - Death of Richard Wagner. His body is taken by an anachronistic helicopter to Vietnam to put the shits up the villagers there.
• 1884 - Pope Leo XIII condemns Freemasons, Liberals and Socialists for not believing the Catholic Church is innocent of paedophilia.
• 1884 - Germans invent anaethesia to dull the pain of their inability to tell a good joke.

'I charge extra if you're a cliche Mr Ripper'.

• 1884 - Greenwich Meantime officially accepted. France objects and sticks to their 'Paris Meantime' as it means their brothels can stay open later.
• 1885 - General Gordon Gin takes his last tonic as the Mahdi skewers him with a spear in the siege of Khartoum.
• 1885 - European powers divide up Africa at the Berlin Congress. No Africans are invited as the British and French paint most of the continent in their colours.
• 1885 - France sends the USA the Statue of Liberty in a flat pack from Paris. Instructions are only available in French.
• 1885 - German inventor Gottleib Daimler becomes the world's first motorcyclist. Astride the 'Reitwagen', he roars into his home town at 7 Mph dressed in a black leather jacket and rubber trousers.
• 1885 - Death of Jumbo the Elephant in a train accident. His owner P. T. Barnum (the Donald Trump of his day) turns the funeral into a barbecue for people who want to boast they have eaten a pachyderm.

Prince Rudolf of Austria-Hungary dancing with his trousers on for once.

• 1886 - First recorded 'road rage' incident in Germany. Rival inventors Gottleib Daimler and Karl Benz deliberately crash their patented automobiles into each other claiming the other had 'stolen my plans'.
• 1886 - Robert Louis Stevenson's Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde published. The Scottish writer had invented the hairy Psychopath.
• 1886 - Invention of Coca-Cola. It's original name was Cocaine - Colander, a liquid method of improving your Victorian sex life.
• 1886 - The British parliament votes against Irish Home Rule. The Irish are considered to be 'insufficiently politically evolved to be trusted'.
• 1886 - Mad King Ludwig of Bavaria goes for a swim in full dress costume...and drowns.
• 1886 - Apache leader Geronimo stops jumping out of planes without a parachute. Goes on to invent the Apache Server.
• 1886 - Statue of Liberty is officially opened. This French-made statue is a join Franco-American celebration of 'giving Britain the bird' by the old allies.
• 1887 - The first Groundhog Day celebrated in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania. It's still 1887 there.
• 1887 - Queen Victoria celebrates her Golden Jubilee by pulling the chain on her porcelain throne. She does this by using the mummified hand of her late husband.
• 1887 - Sherlock Holmes makes his literary entry in a story titled A Drug Addict in Baker Street. It is later retitled A Study in Scarlet.

'Right! Who moored my ship this way up?'

• 1888 - Foundation of the supposed 'National Geographic Society' in Washington, D.C. The opening meeting is held in a pizza restaurant with a cellar full of trafficked children.
• 1888 - Jack the Ripper launches his career of murder and infamy in London. There's standing room only at the first bloodbath.
• 1888 - Wilhelm II becomes German Emperor. Considered to be a borderline paranoid nutter and antisemite, 'Kaiser Bill' wants to make Germany Great Again.
• 1888 - Motorised airship travel proved possible in Germany. Insurance tricky as the balloon is filled with hydrogen.
• 1888 - First Victorian 'Snuff Movie' titled Roundhay Garden Scene shot in England. This hardcore film has a run time two seconds of people dancing around in a garden. One of the performers dies 10 days later after being seen jiving backwards in the movie.

Cute! Adolf's first 'tasche'.

• 1889 - Austro-Hungarian Crown Prince Rudolf shoots his lover and then himself when his wish for a 'a quiet life in Canada' is refused by his father Emperor Franz-Josef.
• 1889 - God intervenes in Somoa when American and German battleships prepare for a war over the island. The Supreme Being sinks both fleets. The British referee ship, HMS Lucky Bastard escapes unharmed.
• 1889 - Opening of the Eiffel Tower. The metal monstrosity is only meant to be temporary to celebrate the French Revolution. It's still there.
• 1889 - Rubber tire wars. Dunlop (British) v Michelin (France).
• 1889 - Foundation of modern American vulture capitalism. First edition of The Wall Street Journal.
• 1889 - Alois and Klara celebrate the birth of their son. He was going to be called Darren, Denis or Heinz but the family decide to call the little imp Adolf Hitler instead. Whatever happened to this guy?
• 1889 - Birth of Sonic the Hedgehog at Nintendo, Japan.
• 1889 - Brazil invents the samba to celebrate becoming a republic for the first time.
• 1890 - Otto von Bismarck is sacked as German chancellor. The Kaiser 'wants to do his own thing' and encourages his ex-employee to retire and bore other people instead.
• 1890 - President Benjamin Harrison signs the Oklahoma Orgasm Act to encourage enhanced population increase in that particular state.
• 1890 - Dutch born artist Vincent van Gogh shoots himself when the objection of his affection refuses to be paid in any more body parts.
• 1890 - God tells the Mormons that He was wrong as regards encouraging polygamy. Blames His office staff for the mix-up.
• 1890 - Battle of Wounded Knee ends in a massacre of the Sioux by the 7th Cavalry. The Treaty of Fake Injured Pride is imposed on the losers.

1891 to 1900

Thomas Edison's giant lightbulb moment.

• 1891 - Thomas Edison reveals the 'Kinetoscope' to show films. The snag is you have to hand crank a machine and viewing is restricted to one-person-per-machine.
• 1891 - Basketball invented by James Naismith so that men can play netball and not be embarrassed in playing 'a petticoat pastime'.
• 1891 - The 400th anniversary of Christopher Columbus discovery of China the Caribbean is marked in New York by the construction a 'traffic circle' to manage a busy intersection. Never catches on the USA but is picked up with enthusiasm in the United Kingdom who call them 'roundabouts'. Weird Brits.
• 1892 - Aged 84 and still cutting down trees and rehousing prostitutes, William Gladstone becomes British Prime Minister for the fourth time.
• 1892 - Andrew Carnegie officially becomes the Only Man of Steel in the USA. He owns all of it.
• 1893 - Lizzie Borden found not guilty of killing her dad and stepmother in brutal attack. The police surprisingly don't find a local patsy to pin the crime on.
• 1893 - British Royal Navy provides international amusement when two of its battleships collide with each other on a perfectly sunny day in the Mediterranean. Vice-Admiral George Tryon goes down with his flagshp HMS Victoria to avoid future awkward social occasions.

An early design for Baloo the bear in The Jungle Boobs.

• 1893 - New Zealand grants women the vote. Contemporary critics claim the Kiwis will extend the vote to sheep next.
• 1893 - Pepsi-Cola goes on sale under its original name: Brad's Bottled Carbonated Piss Water. The first community to take up the beverage are the Mormons as it isn't included in prescribed liquids. The name is changed to 'Pepsi-Cola' in 1898.
• 1893 - Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky conducts his last symphony This is Pathetique, I'm Dying and falls off stage.
• 1894 - Tower Bridge opens to traffic in London. Souvenir sellers and postcard manufacturers have a new icon to flog tat tourists.
• 1894 - China and Japan go to war over Korea. For once, no member of the Kim dynasty are involved in the conflict.
• 1894 - William Gladstone resigns as British Prime Minister. The Fallen Women of England mourn their loss.
• 1894 - French general Alfred Dreyfus imprisoned by mistake. They confuse him with American actor Richard Dreyfuss and believe the film Jaws disparages French culture.
• 1895 - Rudyard Kipling takes a break from baking cakes to publish The Jungle Book. He is soon singing I Wan'na Be like Me as the royalty monies roll in.
• 1895 - Oscar Wilde imprisoned for gross indecency for boxing nude with the Marquess of Queensberry in Trafalgar Square. This wasn't in the rules.
• 1895 - Volleyball invented. No one knows why.

The Stretched cotton Olympics of 1896.

• 1895 - USA treasury runs out of gold. America about to close down for good. J.P. Morgan and the Rothschild dynasty bail out Uncle Sam.
• 1895 - Great Rugby schism between teams mainly based in the North of England and the South of England. No one can remember what initially caused it but both sides refuse to compromise and the split becomes permanent. To the rest of the world, the game looks like organised thuggery anyway.
• 1895 - The Lumiere Brothers open their first 'cinema' in Paris. It features filth like People Leaving My Factory and Train Kept a Rolling for a gullible paying audience.
• 1896 - World's first X-Ray photograph is an arse self portrait by H. L. Smith.
• 1896 - Italy lets the imperial side down by losing a battle against Ethiopia.
• 1896 - First modern Olympic Games are held in Athens. Purists claim the athletes compete nude as was the fashion in Ancient Greece. The Olympic committee recommends modified long johns would suffice. No women allowed to compete for 'decorum reasons'.
• 1896 - Shortest war in history between the British Empire and the island of Zanzibar. The main action is over in 45 minutes when the British navy blow up Sultan Khalid bin Barghash's harem. He escapes. The harem's sex slave inhabitants are less lucky.
• 1896 - The British 'Red Flag Act' repealed. This was a law that obliged a Communist to walk in front of a motor vehicle waving a red flag to warn of an impending car accident and bloody revolution if you didn't get out of the way.

Studies have shown male vampires are addicted to the 38DD cup cleavage.

• 1897 - Queen Victoria celebrates her royal Diamond Jubilee by going carriage car racing at Windsor. The queen wins every race.
• 1897 - Philip Souza's anthem The Stars and Stripes Forever is played for President William McKinley. The British adopt it as football chant with lyrics that repeat the words Here We Go, Here We Go, Here We Go. Souza is upset and writes his own lyrics.
• 1897 - One for the conspiracy theorists. The world's first Zionist conference held in Basel, Switzerland. No minutes of the meetings are officially published.
• 1897 - Bram Stoker publishes Dracula as a children's story with role playing gaming options.
• 1898 - French novelist and journalist Emile Zola publishes his dramatic exclamation mark with Frere Jacques! in relation to to watching Richard Dreyfuss in Jaws.
• 1898 - United States declares war against Spain when one of its ships explodes in Havana harbour. USA manufactures enough outrage to start (and win) a war.
• 1898 - The War Against Anarchism announced following the assassination of Empress Elisabeth of Austria-Hungary. Men and women with beards are rounded up in their hundreds.
• 1898 - The Battle of Omdurman between the British and the Sudanese prove the point that fighting with antique weapons against a modern army will send you to paradise in very short order.
• 1899 - The British Empire (population 400 million) are so scared of the Boer Republics of South Africa (combined population 320,000) that they start a war to protect Queen Victoria.
• 1899 - Germany patents the Aspirin as a cure for insomnia and piles.
• 1899 - Tidy minded Norwegian Johan Vaaler invents the paperclip. The world is never the same again.
• 1900 - The Chinese Boxer rebellion against foreign interference leads to a multinational invasion of the country to interfere a lot more in future.

Casey Jones:'Who put other trains on my track?'

• 1900 - The British Labour Party founded in London to provide free entertainment for their political rivals.
• 1900 - Winston Churchill elected to parliament as a Conservative MP. He is considered to be a self-important twerp by his own side.
• 1900 - American train driver Casey Jones runs out of puff when his train is smashed in an accident in Vaughan, Mississippi.
• 1900 - The Boer War looks to be over. Unable to catch the rebellious men folk, the British deport their families to purpose built shacks with polluted water supplies. The British insist this will break morale and let the map makers and a few more red painted territories to the empire.
• 1900 - Frank Baum's The Wizard of Oz published. The Wizard of Oz is one becoz, becoz, becoz, becoz, becoz, becoz,Becoz of the wonderful things he does...like being a four dollar fraud.
• 1900 - Direct action against American drinking establishment involving the use of a hatchet by Carrie 'No Corsets' Nation. Another meme invented.