Sonic the Hedgehog
Sonic the Hedgehog (Japanese: Sonichu za Dendō Pokettomonsutā Hejjihoggu) is a video game series created by Sega. A furry freakish blue avatar of Vishnu named Sonic is the protagonist, whose life is constantly tormented by a giant talking egg. Typically, Sonic—often along with his sometimes-growing-sometimes-shrinking (depending on the fanbase's mood that day) group of friends such as Tails, Knuckles & Knuckles, Amy, Edgy the Hedgy, Rouge, Big, Cream, and Coldsteel—must gotta go fast, collect rings, jump on robots and springs, free animals, grab the seven Chaos Emeralds, and foil Eggman's gloriously mustachioed plans of world domination.
Since its inception in 1991, the Sonic series has spawned many different titles, each of wildly varying quality. While the classic Genesis games were side-scrolling platformers, the series expanded into other genres after its jump to 3D, such as edgy third-person shooters, sword-based Medieval adventures, and God of War clones where Sonic morphs into a werewolf and uses his stretchy arms to fight. In the 2010s, the series was reborn as a meta comedy that plays it safe with boost-oriented, automated gameplay.
The Old Testament
Conception and creation
In the beginning, there was Zork. Zork begat Space Invaders, Space Invaders begat Asteroids, Asteroids begat Pac-Man, and Pac-Man begat the NES. The NES begat three sons: Final Fantasy, Metal Gear, and Donkey Kong. Donkey Kong begat Mario, and Sega grew jealous of Nintendo's legacy. Sega begat the Master System in its envy. Being a child of envy, the Master System was an abomination, but it begat a twin: the Sega Genesis and the Mega Drive. The Genesis in North America begat Sonic the Hedgehog, while the Mega Drive in the rest of the world did exactly the same thing. For details on Sonic's conception that amount to more than "when a mommy hedgehog and a daddy hedgehog love each other very much", see the article on conception.
|“||And the Lord spake unto Naka and Oshima, 'Craft from the finest pixels a mascot of the highest quality, and he shall be of 16-bit architecture and live in Green Hill Zone.'
And Naka and Oshima created a mascot of 16-bit architecture and named him Mr. Needlemouse, later dubbed Sonic. And Sonic was blessed with divine powers of speed, and the Lord gave him the holy color and a human girlfriend dubbeth Madonna. And the Lord issueth instructions unto Sonic:
'Go forth and fulfill your purpose, to defeat the fat, rescue the pink, infuriate the pseudo-Italian, destroy conveniently placed televisions, carry thee inordinate amounts of rings on your person, and performeth thinly-veiled Dragon Ball Z references when exposed to precious stones.'
And fulfill his purpose he did, and the Lord was enriched by it (to the tune of four million copies).
—Book of Genesis, verses 19:9–1
Whence Sonic's original purpose was fulfilled, the Lord blessed him with him with a sidekick, a deformed two-tailed mutant fox. And his first of disciples was known as Miles, but preferred to be called Tails. From thence, the duo rebuffed their efforts to defeat the fat one, and many a mighty battle ensued. These are chronicled in the second chapter of the Book of Genesis:
Taken from the Book of Genesis, verses 19:9–2:
|“||In AD 1992, war beginneth. 'What happen?' spake Sonic. And his disciple Tails respondeth, 'Somebody set us up the Death Egg!'
He continued, 'We get signal,' and Sonic was shocked. 'Main screen turn on,' his disciple declared. And Robotnik the Fat appeared before them and said unto them, 'How are you gentlemen. All your chaos emerald are belong to me.
And Sonic was outraged; 'What you say!!' But the fat one was defiant, and spake only insults unto them. 'You have no chance to survive make your stage time. Hahahahahahaha.'
And Sonic decreed, 'Take off every new game!' His disciple resisted, saying 'You know what you doing?' And Sonic replied unto him, 'Make move knew game! For great high-score!'
Sonic's battles brought many great victories to him in the name of the Lord, who showered him with blessings. The first of these were a pair of television shows, delivering his memetic ministry.
Taken from the Book of AoStH, verses 19:9–3:
|“||'Snooping as usual I see!'
'Touch my PINGAS!'
'I hereby promote you to PINGAS monkey third class!'
'It's my new PINGAS! Just like me, it's crooked. How do you like it?' 'We love it!' 'It's large!'
Upon returning from the success of his second adventure, Sonic was "blessed" with a dedicated fangirl, who was to be named Amy Rose. She pursued him 24/7, installed hidden cameras in his home, and was immune to restraining orders, more skilled in infiltration than Tom Cruise on a string, and hornier than a rhinoceros in heat. Following the Book of the Disk-Compression of Genesis, Sonic was blessed with a second deformed mutant disciple, Knuckles, and a third adventure, which was to be considered his best yet.
Unfortunately, these good times were not to last.
Decline and Exile
By now, Sonic was at the top of his 16-bit game. But when the wise king of the consoles saw what wonders lay in store for 3D gaming, Sonic unwisely placed a thousand rings on his polygonal wives, spreading himself thin with off-genre go-kart racing and fighting games. He forgot his high-speed blast-processing side-scrolling origins as he phoned-in mediocre handled "2.5D" games from his bedside for the Sega Game Gear, sub-contracted to Knuckles and the Chaotix Detective Agency for the 32X era, and rarely showed up to work during the short lifetime of the Sega Saturn.
For quite some time, it appeared our favorite Blue Blur hath reached the end of his rope, like a certain Birdman. He was curst with lackluster spinoff titles for failed, hastily rushed-out pieces of Sega hardware, with nary a main-series game in sight, and seemingly no way out. As the Temple of Saturn fell, Sonic chose to remain in
light exile until he had a prophetic Dreamcast.
The New Testament
Return to (and Speedy Fall from) Glory
The console wars between the Saturn, PlayStation, and N64 waged on, and the Kingdom of Sega slowly started to fall to low sales and knew it was time for the peoples' champion to return and head a new temple. When Sonic was finally reborn, the Lord decreed that he must enter the new 128-bit 3D realm and resume questing against Robotnik — who had undergone brand unification into "Eggman" worldwide, and was polite enough to wait for Sonic. And for a time, all was good enough, though not really great like back in the old 2D days; so says the Book of Adventures.
Taken from the Book of Adventures, verses 19:9–8 and 20:0–1:
|“||And when Sonic entered the third dimension, the action was still intense, the fangirl was still persistent, and the sidekick was still subjugated, and thus all was good as they were baptized in a monster made of realistically-rendered water by a big fat slow purple cat and a robot that handled like a pickup truck.
But things would not remain like that for long; for other disciples would join him, and much like a drunken frat boy crashes a party, so did Sonic's new disciples spoil the paradise of his newfound three-dimensional glory.
For when the multiple tedious gameplay styles, the Duke Nukem Fat Cat, Mr. Angst, and Ms. Fanservice were begat to aid Sonic, they brought the curses of furries, perverts, and sodomites upon the world.
And thus, wherever they walked, the curses of furries, perverts, and sodomites followed them, and wherever the curses tread in their chicken-mech walkers, trails of desolation, recolored fan characters, and autism followed them.
It wasn't long before the Lord dropped out of the console race and the Dream(cast) was over. In his frustration, the Lord grew restless and began to lose his sanity, and began to make bad decision after bad decision, and "gifted" Sonic with disciple after disciple until he proved the phrase "twelve's a crowd", thus given in the Book of Heroes.
Taken from the Book of Heroes, verses 20:0–3:
|“||The Lord spake unto Sonic, 'Go forth and bring your two closest disciples to Seaside Hill, and begin again your quest upon the fat one. Upon your journey you shall meet with three other teams, and in these teams there shall be three members each:
There shall be the team of the slightly discontent with life, the team of the slightly obsessed, and the team that does not quite fit in, like an iMac in Steve Ballmer's office.'
And Sonic did as the Lord spake unto him, even when the public gave mixed response.
Salvation briefly came when the Lord gave in to the superior handheld console prowess of its old rival Nintendo, and Sonic sought to conquer the realm of the DS with the aid of his newest disciple, Blaze the slightly-warmer-than-normal, while fighting Dr. Eggman and his bastard son, Eggman Nega. And it was a great success (but only because it was secretly made by Shigeru Miyamoto, and everything that Shiggy touches is inherently the best thing ever), his return to side-scrolling glory documented in the Book of Rush.
Taken from the Book of Rush, verses 20:0–5:
|“||And when Blaze laid her blazing hands on Sonic, the blue one leapt back and exclaimed, 'Ouch! Jesus Christ, I think you gave me third-degree burns there...'||”|
In a sudden unexpected turn of events, the Lord decreed that Sonic must race for his pleasure against a green abomination whose voice was known to have all the properties of a belt sander: loud, rough enough to skin a cat in seconds, and shouldn't be left near children. And it was laughable, but had its charms, and was of negligible effect to his reputation. The event was recorded in the Book of Riders; we will not quote the scripture here, as the coarseness of the green abomination's voice was recorded to such detail that reading the scriptures of the Book of Riders will result in permanent brain, spleen, and self-esteem damage.
The Apocalypse Cometh
Through his years of mediocrity, Sonic had angered the Lord to the extent that he created a great curse upon Sonic, which is documented in full in the Book of Horrors. The Book of Horrors explains in full the sheer wrath the Lord can inflict upon Sonic and his disciples. No matter how Sonic protested, it was demanded that he be stricken down in the year of the number of the beast: 2006.
Taken from the Book of Horrors, verses 20:0–6:
|“||The Lord spake unto Sonic, 'You hath angered me. Thou must pay for thine virtual sins through poor gameplay, choppy graphics, unfittingly realistic humans, and terrible voice-acting. And thou must forfeit to me a shrubbery.'
And Sonic protesteth, 'A shrubbery? T'is unheard of!' But the Lord was having none of it. 'If thou doest not foreit a shrubbery, thou must face alternative, mystery punishment.'
So Sonic took the mystery punishment, being horticulturally challenged. But this punishment served only to heighten the embarrassment, adding an awkward bestiality subplot to the equation.
And when Sonic was introduced to the beast, he leapt back, and screameth to the high heavens, 'Why? Why? O why Lord? Why hast thou forsaken me?'
And the number of the beast was 2006, and the beast went by the name that causes the dogs to howl and the children to wail; the beast was of the name of Princess Elise.
And on marched the three hedgehogs of the apocalypse, each accompanied by their two amigos of doom, to battle against the villains so vile they had displaced the fat one, and made him appear as harmless as a kitten with cancer.
Upon realizing his error, the Lord grew merciful, and in his infinite wisdom [sic] he granted upon Sonic and the hedgehogs of the apocalypse and their respective amigos, a Deus Ex Machina: He smote the villains and struck down the beast in a bizarre twist of events which caused all the events of the Book of Horrors to never happen and the book itself to disappear from existence.
Upon realizing his mistake, the Lord decided to redeem (or at least try to) his messenger on Earth by splitting into pieces and making him put it back together again. He was once again curst with an annoying sidekick for his previous indiscretions. And while the Lord meant well, the road to hell is paved with good intentions, and Sonic's daytime sojourns were smote by turning into Mr. Stretchy Werewolf at night and wandering through cities of clueless buffoons.
Taken from the Book of Unleashed, verse 20:08:
|“||And Sonic spoke unto the citizens of Mykonos, 'Doest any of thou no which way to the next side quest?'
And they replied unto him, 'I doth not know what thou art talketh about. Your princess is in another castle.'
The Meta Testament
Return to (Relative) Stability
After the restoration of the Earth, the Lord decreed to his disciple that he shall relive the days of his youth twice. However, this decree was flawed, and resulted in Sonic traversing through lands too resemblant of the lands of which he traveled before and easily completing his second adventure by using his best friend as a spinning wheel.
Taken from the Book of Episodes, verses 20:10–12:
|“||And Sonic nay hesitated to once more run though the lands and foileth the schemes of the fat one.
However, the fat one decreed to Sonic that he shall vanquish him with machines from his past.
And the Lord sighed, realizing that he was too lazy to do Sonic good.
Curses and Blessings
On the heels of his recent adventures, Sonic was given the great curse of a moviefilm. Unexpectedly, this curse of phailure turned into a blessing, as upon the first collision with reality, the movie succeeded spectacularly, and all involved deeply pleased the Lord, who blessed each and every one of them. A sequel followed two years later, after the world had been curst with a terrible plague (for reasons presumably unrelated to Sonic).
Ben Schwartz (playing Sonic) was blessed with the all acting skills of a 2x4 plank of wood, although this curse backfired when Schwartz starred in Flora & Ulysses and never moved a face muscle for two hours. Danny DeVito (playing Tails) was blessed to be the first victim of the evil of fan-fictions, consigned to participate in acts unmentionable and have the eyewitness accounts posted across the Internet for all eternity. Idris Elba (playing Knuckles) initially thought being in the sequel was a bad idea, but decided to join when his 7-year-old son begged him to. Jim Carrey (playing Dr. Eggman, who apparently changed his name back to Robotnik) was blessed by not dying painfully during the filming of the abomination, something which has haunted him to this day. The real Sonic, who had merely been a producer and consultant on the film rather than an actor, oddly bore the worst fate of them all: he completed his transition into becoming a one-trick self-referential pony, posting "How do you fellow kids?"-type memes on his Twitter.
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