Donkey Kong (character)

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Propaganda created for the sole purpose of debasing the big, hairy, ape's credibility in the acting business.

Don Ki Kawng, also known as Donkey Kong or DK, a former African warlord of the island nation of Donkey Kong Country and current New York City mob boss, is the head of one of the largest crime organizations and banana producers in history, The DK Crew, following his retirement from the video game and film industries.


Early Life[edit]

One day, when Mario "Jumpman" Mario and his girlfriend Pauline were walking along, visiting the zoo, they saw an angry ape. Pauline, being the blind Shithead that she is, thought that it was a donkey while Mario, being one of those damn Italians who's a fan of King Kong, thought it was King Kong in the flesh. He thought it was King Kong, thus making him shit his pants, because he thought it was King Kong, right there, in the living fur, standing there, in a cage. He was even super cranky. Pauline suggested that Mario should become a carpenter (they were gettin' broke, after all, because to Mario's first job, cooking, landed him in prison after customers had hallucinations due to the special "Mushrooms" he put in their food).

Donkey Kong would only let a real home for him be, uh, carpented by Mario if he got paid, with bananas of course. The problem was that Mario earned Money, the exact opposite of the Banana, and the worldwide currency is NOT the banana (yet). Mario also didn't have any bananas, instead deciding to spend his money on more mushrooms. DK became furious, getting bent on destroying all money and raping every female he comes in contact with, finally landing on Pauline (literally). He, learning from his father, a 22-foot gorilla, then decided to climb atop a building, only this time, it was not even finished. Just plain badass.

Mario had to climb the 100m tower to stop DK and get the girl, all while DK was throwing barrels of unknown substance at him. Mario finally destroyed all those construction workers' hard work and collapsed the building-in-progress. Donkey Kong fell a long way, until he crashed directly on his head, causing major brain injuries and massive damage.

After weeks in the hospital, the unconscious ape finally woke up. He had learned that one of the bitches he had screwed, a dumb blonde, had given birth to a gorilla, complete with a shirt that says "J", through the news. He was outraged, and he blasted outta that dump, only to find his baby at a construction site, and through a funny series of fuckups trying to climb it, he finally rescued him. However, Mario, still mad as fuck that DK had raped his girl, captured him, stuffing him in an authentic cage that was actually a prop used in King Kong, and through a funny case of "Like father, like son", Donkey Kong Jr. rescued his old man from the old man. Mario was not injured that much, because he always hits shit with his head. Mario later went on to star in a bunch of shitty children's games and form the most successful spin-off franchise in history.

There was also the time some Nerd named Stanley kept spraying shit into DK's ass so he could get his head trapped in a bee hive or some shit. Donkey Kong does not like to talk about it.

Since then, everyone has called Donkey Kong "Cranky Kong" and Donkey Kong Jr. just "Donkey Kong", which is the DK that we'll be talking about.

School Days[edit]

Donkey Kong never knew how to look "cool", and was thinking that he should wear whatever made him look as "cool" as monkingly possible: a tie. All the kids made fun of him because he dressed like an asshole. However, Donkey Kong "befriended" some kid named Funky, a kid from Jamaica, mon, who gave him a list of how to be cool.

Da Funkay List

  1. Wear a suit with a thong underneath
  2. Give yourself a mullet
  3. Strip-Tease the Teacher

Donkey Kong decided to take Funky's advice. So the next day, Donkey Kong came to school with a mullet and a suit. All the kids said it was an improvement of what he wore the day before, but he still looked like a bitch.

Video Games Career[edit]

Donkey Kong initially had trouble finding work, since he had a criminal record and he was a shit-flinging monkey, which isn't the best criteria for hiring. Later, Pindendoh talent scouts spotted him at a film audition, in which he pounded the judges into a bloody pulp violently into the ground after losing out to Magilla Gorilla. On arrival at the set for his new game, he found he was to be working with Mario, who was understandably pissed at Donkey Kong for raping his girlfriend. They worked well together, albeit grudgingly, on a game called Hello: Reach for the Sky! for the Zony Whea, which went on to receive scathing reviews and sell less than Okami. Donkey Kong was fired.

Racing Magnate[edit]

Starting after his conversion to Judaism, Donkey Kong got himself a "nice" interest rate from a his third wife's uncle and invested in his first race track in South Eastern Congo, now the world-famous DK Mountain, jungle, and a ski resort in the winter. Displaced locals from the construction were kept in line with Donkey's thugs, "The Guerrilla Squad." His massive profits, a result of loose gambling laws and proximity to Pirate Doubloons, were then Parlayed into more race tracks, including one in his multi-million banana Tahoe ski palace. In 1991, Donkey was in debt to Colombian investment partners for over 12 million bananas despite a habit of indulging 28.3 grams of cocaine per day. By 1992, jokes about Donkey's snow palace were already played out, and most of his racing assets were being managed into the ground by Funky. The tracks were eventually bought out and incorporated into his rival Jumpman's Mario Kart franchise like a total dick. The Colombians Jammed him up six ways til Sunday and fucked his kneecaps.

Movie Career[edit]

Oh sure, when it's a cat up a tree they call the fire department, but if it's a gorilla on top of a building it's the Mushroom Kingdom Air Force.

Donkey Kong starred in many popular cult movies, such as The Jewel of The Nile. However, he had a breakdown on set after Nightowl complained that Dr. Manhattan's illuminating junk was distracting him. D.K. was thrown off set, replaced, and was once again out on the street. Out of pure luck, he strolled along until he was discovered by the producers of American Idol. Needing a new judge, he was cast as the person that perfectly emulated his pent-up anger, rage, and incredible lust for bad singers that liked to show their cleavage. The rest is, of course, history.

Gang Affiliation[edit]

After Donkey Kong's stint as a kidnapper and rapist, he did not end his spree of crime. Leaving his position as judge on American Idol in light of molestation allegations, Donkey Kong began to look for new ways of getting quick cash. Using a connection he had met in prison by the street name of "Diddy Kong" AKA K Diddy, Donkey Kong started selling Diddy's bananas on the street for nearly half the price of the rival Crocodile gang. In an act of retaliation, the Crocodile Gang raided the Kong's banana plantation, stealing all of their precious bananas. In an astonishing act of violence credited to various fruits, Donkey and Diddy committed a vicious massacre of nearly every member of the Crocodile Gang to retrieve their stolen bananas. Respect grew for the Kongs, and as followers of the Kongs increased, they eventually formed the "DK Crew"; currently the largest producer and trafficker of bananas.

What happened to Pauline?[edit]

Recently Pauline was arrested at an airport in London for acting as a drug mule, which is the offspring of a male donkey and a female horse.

So in a nutshell[edit]

Donkey Kong is a giant ape that kidnaps princesses and throws barrels at short Italian plumbers with oversized mustaches for absolutely no reason.