Toad
“Sorry Mario, Your princess is in Another Castle®!”
“Fuck off, the princess isn't here.”
“You know the drill.”
Toad is a parasitic fungus that grows on the heads of infant humans. He appears in the video game Super Mario and subsequent editions of this series. Were it to actually exist, scientists agree it would probably eat mainly flies, other toad, crackers, and the souls of disobedient children. The toad's natural enemy is known as "Mr. T," a large winged creature made entirely out of cheddar cheese and farts. The god among toad is named Toad, but is becoming less and less popular. Toad is well-known for being the best friend of Princess Peach, the little slut who thinks she's hot. Toad is also well known for being the only surviving member of the 6 Mushroom Retainers (the lead toads of the Mushroom Kingdom). The reason why he has survived was due to the fact that he had managed to book a spot in the Mario Bros. 2 adventure and as the group left, Bowser came and attacked the kingdom as well as killing the other members of the Mushroom Retainers. Toad has also been called Kinopio, or shitshroom.
The Life of a Bitch-Made Mother Fucker[edit]
As an asexuals, toad only has no gender and reproduces with spores, so there's no need for him to dress certain ways, but...he sometimes likes to feel pretty...is that a crime?, Mario thinks it is, because he's psychotic, but enough about him. Your average toad lives to about 25-900. And their favorite foods are: mushroom-flavored alcohol, magic mushrooms, and marijuana. Yes, drugs are what makes his voice so scratchy. Breast milk is a rare delicacy, especially when served with cereal. Toad have lots of similar traits to that of a human. Since there are so many toad we couldn't tell you about all of them, so we took out the most popular one..."TOAD". He has played in lots of games and movies, he won 2 Woody's for best asexual porno ever! Also, in Buddhism, Toad is revered as the god who tells people who have achieved Nirvana: "Thank you ‹Insert name here›, but your spiritual perfection is in another castle." Promptly afterwards, he urinates all over the person.
Toad's rise to fame[edit]
Back in 1987, Toad enjoyed such things as smoking dope and beating up homeless men, mainly for their drugs and paraphernalia. But one day, one of them men he tried to beat up was GEN from Street Fighter; and so Toad's rise to fame began, he went around the world fighting (and mostly losing) until his big break where Steven Spielberg asked him to star in a movie called The Mighty Dykes 2. In that movie Toad played Joelene, a lesbian who hung out with her friends. After that Toad was asked to star in a film called The Insiders where he met Mario. The movie was about these guys who were in a gang, and, had another rival gang, and they were all friends but didn't want to be. After that movie Toad's rise to fame began, he was totally famous! Loved by toads all over the world! He gained a lot of money from his fans and his awesomeness, so he went out and wrote his hit book TOAD! Then he went on to make the longest movie series The Lost Shroom.
Toad's life of drugs[edit]
Looking like a mushroom has been a long hard road for Toad. His resemblance to a popular drug in America has gotten him into many troublesome situations. He is constantly being chased, and occasionally gets licked to induce something resembling an acid trip. The person will be magically whisked away to Super Mario World with the chance to try and beat the game with 3 lives; if successful Toad will be brought back to life and they will all live happily ever after. If the user gets a game over then a lifetime in the jail of Bowser will follow. It is not worth licking Toad, follow my advice and don't lick anything shaped like a mushroom.
Toad's life troubles[edit]
During all this movie-making Toad made millions, and eventually, got surgery so that he had a penis, after the movie Dude, Where's My Shrooms? Toad knocked up some skank in Marisiana and they moved to Luigia, where they settled down for a while, but then Toad was called back to L.A. where he made tons more movies, but his relationship between his wife/sister "Toadette" soon soured, he was making movies but spent no time home, his children became hippies and he learned his pet "Lakitu" died of Koopaids. So Toad quit the movie business and went home, although he sometimes gets invited to "Mario's Drunken Parties".
Where is he now?[edit]
These days you may find Toad pounding his wife or drinking heavily at Mario's parties. Toad basically just lives the life of an average drunk these days. Recently, he enrolled in Mizzou to study textile and apparel management and joined Sigma Pi fraternity, where he set a North American record for most kegstands by a fungus or moss in one calendar year. Toad also formed a new group consisting of 4 other toads and the Toad brigade was born. They tried to assist Mario on his trip around the galaxy however they got lost in space somewhere. Recently, the Mushroom police have found evidence of Toad flipping Mario off from over 20 years ago as he rescued him from Bowser, though it is unknown why. He is to be charged nonetheless.
The Lost Shroom series[edit]
The Lost Shroom series was written by Toad and directed by George Lucas. The movie series took off in 2004 and kept a good pace for 13 years. Toad got an amazing cast to be in the movie. Tom Cruise was the main character until the 10th movie, Toad had him killed because Toad was getting tired of his shitty performance after the 8th movie. Then Toad replaced Tom with Clint Eastwood. He showed up for a meeting in May of 2010 and Toad talked to him about and Clint Eastwood took the role. He was with the movie from 11 to 13. The Lost Shroom 13 series, this was when Toad was wasted one night and wrote the entire script for the 3-part movie. George Lucas didn't approve because it was basically a porno. So Toad fired George Lucas and hired Robert Downey Jr. to direct the movie. The movie was the worst of them all: it had nothing to do with the series at all, but about having sex and partying.
Then once Toad realized what the movie had done for him. He quit it for 3 months because The Lost Shroom parts 2 and 3 weren't bringing in the amount he needed. So Toad wrote the script for the last movies and began filming. Toad got Robert Downey Jr. to do the lead role for the rest of the movies. The movie ended with a bang and they gained 21 awards. Later Toad made The Very Lost Shroom parts 1 and 2, but they were panned by critics.
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