Wario
Wario, all seven deadly sins in one overflowing body (May 14, 1963 - October 31, 2013), is a clinincally obese pro-wrestler from the gold mines of Nintendoland. Wario is often depicted as a villain in the Mario games, going to such lengths as shooting Princess Peach in order to shoot Mario in the face. Even his name is a portmanteau of Mario and the Japanese Waria, meaning "awali". However, his creators do on occasion try to insist that he is just an anti-hero, changing his actions so that the consequences shoot him, but in all of his games to date, he knows that joining Mario's side will not consequentially have him shooting Mario in the face. He weighs about one metric ton. One little known fact about Wario is that his breath actually smells like cherry lifesavers, which would be quite unexpected.
Early life[edit]
Wario was born in Old Forge Pennsylvania, the dirty Whop capital of the world, before relocating to near Yoshi's Island (where his parents dropped him off hoping that he would be picked up by the island's high-quality educational system). This is chronicled in Yoshi's Island DS. Unfortunately, due to Wario's flatulent properties, the residents attempted to sell him on eBay for rougly $2.00, with the description calling him "Willy McToot-Toot's off-spring", and them kicked him out into the woods when this plan backfired.
After ten years of gathering stench, Wario found a video game company that would support his desire to become famous and rich. Producing "WarioWare" and other games, Wario also found that he had a cousin, also in the video game industry, Mario, whom Wario became rabidly jealous of. This sent him spiralling into despression and he became a crazed drug addict who now lives in Los Angeles. Wario still manages to produce games, creating such titles as "Shoot the Hooker and Run" and "Wario Sex Oddysey" for Wii. He likes shouting WWWEEEAAA at Mario.
Gaming Company[edit]
Wario had been trying to kill Mario for 20 years,then when he got drunk,he made a gaming company and hired a Pimp named Jimmy Testicles and his bro Jimmy Penis and hired a whore from a pizza restaurant named Mona the Slut,an alien player named Orbulon,a kewl pimp named 9-Volt and his homie 18-Volt, a swinger named Young Cricket, a bitch named Ashley, two hitmen named Dribble and Spitz, a crazy wild-eyed scientist who claims to be neutered named Dr. Crygor with a whiny niece named Penny and a robot named Mike, and two Japanese hotties named Kat and Ana.
Wario's Fight With Clinical Depression[edit]
After going through many failed relationships, Wario began to feel hopeless and unloved. He started to experiment with illegal drugs and eventually became addicted to crack. During this time, relationships with his friends and family began to crumble. His video game obsession took over his life and soon all he did all day was play his microgames. He began to neglect his own personal hygiene and he became so disgusting that no one wanted to hang around with him. After seeing a psychologist, Wario was put on zoloft which had the odd side effect of making him a greedy freakin' bastard. Not able to reconcile with his loved ones, Wario moved from his old home in the Mushroom Kingdom to Diamond City, Arkansas where he began a new life and got new friends so that everything was all right and none of the other stuff that happened before mattered. He took to heavy drinking and started the Battle Of Dolphin Island
Wario's Marriage[edit]
Soon Wario met a shiny Froslass named Minerva (she is the same Froslass in Robotnik's sex tape, isn't that obvious), who was working as an exotic dancer at the time. They had been dating at his new home in Diamond City. In January 16, 2008, Wario proposed to Minerva and Minerva consented, which made Wario very happy. They had gotten married in Tbillisi, Georgia, because Minerva was born there. 9 months later, they had Human/Froslass triplets, Jayce, Lepus, and Warriorette. The couple is now living happily in Diamond City and Minerva is pregnant again. By the way, Wario is still obsessed with video games, but limits his intake to one game a day to be with his family. lol!
Wario's Death. (Or is it?)[edit]
One Day, Wario logged into YouTube and was commenting on how he literally shit himself when the AVGN popped out and yelled "ASS!" in his Nintendo Power episode. Then his stomach growled, so he got up and headed for his fridge, but stopped when he heard a kitten meow at the door. So he waddled over to the door and opened it. He thought of making kitten burgers out of it, but then he remembered an article he read on kitten huffing. He grabbed the cute little ORANGE Kitten and brought him over to his cutting board. He huffed all of the little guy's soul he could. Then he obtained an addiction. He died on January 1, 2009 because of too many Orange kittens. (They fuck you up GOOD!)
While kitten huffing is the most proveable cause of Wario's death, some people come up with the crazy idea that his demise was a result of his extreme morbid obesity. The story goes like this: one day Wario was on the prowl for more kittens to huff when he approached your friendly neighborhood crack dealer to ask him if he had any orange kittens. But the dealer had already huffed his kittens, and mistoke Wario for a pissed off diabetic snowman and got the fuck out of there before it ate him. Wario, going into a kitten withdrawl, then decides to eat something/someone, and rather than devouring the nearest solar system as he usually does, goes to get an equally satiafying meal at McDonalds. Wario waddles his fat ass into the McBuilding and orders the fattiest, most lethal thing on the McMenu,...a McSupermegatriplearterycloggerdeluxedoubleburgerwithbaconlardforbunsYOUWILLDIEbigassmotherfuckersizedcheeseburger with fries and a large Diet Coke. After enlisting the help of the entire population of Mexico in order to lift the thing, Wario receives his meal and on the way to his table grabs 60,219 ketchup packets and uses an unfortunate McEmployee as a seat. But since Wario IS fat, he simply absorbs the burger through his skin and digests it. Immediately afterwards, the combined mass of the burger and Wario creates a point of infinite density inside his stomach and spawns a black hole from his mouth, forcing everything within a 30 lightyear radius down his throat. Since Wario can eat anything, this does not kill him as he swellls to the size of a small galaxy. Wario then succumbs to the coldness of space. He receives a fatal blodclot after he dies.
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