Goombas are little small retarded creatures in the Mushroom Kingdom that go around cussing at people. Goombas are commonly depicted as small beasts with an angry disposition.
The most common type of Goomba is a brown lump, which looks like a soggy chocolate ice cream cone made of crap that some Grade 2 used as an Art Project. They have four methods of attacking Mario: running madly in circles, charging at him, walking off a cliff, or "head-bonking," as seen in the Paper Mario series. None of these methods worked however, and the closest a Goomba has ever come to defeating Mario was undoing his shoelaces, after which said Goomba was promptly kicked in the face (doing 2 HP of damage and flattening it).
Goombas come in different sizes and colors, but basically, they're little small guys shaped like mushrooms, except they have legs and little pissy faces on them. They have a very weak body, even a small hop onto one will probably break its rib cage, mortally damaging its bones, puncturing its organs and killing it instantly. Goombas have had many appearances over the years, because they have an insane fashion sense. They used to go around shaving their eyebrows and covering up their mouths, then they revealed their mouths and let their eyebrows grow in Mario's third-world reign. Then when they visited Mario world they changed into an apple suit (they were using drugs at the time). Goofballs – er, Goombas – have changed so much over the years; the day where Goombas are wearing thongs is not far off. If you look closely at a Goomba, you'll notice 3 distinct features: the head, the feet, and the eyes. There is nothing else about a Goomba worth even noticing. Although occasionally Goombas have been said to have a small cylindrical portion holding the feet to the head, that was disproven with the release of Super Mario World...although there is still some controversy as to whether or not the "Goombas" in that game were actually Goombas, and not some close relative of the Goomba family.
Goombas are known to be very mouthy. They like going around and pissing people off. They can be found calling Mario fat, or asking Princess Peach if they can look up her blouse. Goombas spend most of their time drinking heavily in public areas, then picking fights and sometimes killing people (only other Goombas though, because when they get into fights with regular people they are squished almost instantaneously). They also have been known to steal from the elderly and wail on babies with wrenches. During the night time, they can be found lying in fields, waiting for people to pick them up, wash them off and eat them. Sleeping Goombas are commonly mistaken as "magic mushrooms".
Types of Goomba
Soon after Goombas first encountered Mario and his friends they realized they would have to be a bit more cunning if they planned to defeat Mario. Over the years many ideas were tried and new armies of Goombas were created including:
- Goomba - Just the average Goomba. Sadly, they live shortly.
- Spiked Goombas - The first early attempts at overcoming Mario; these Goombas wore a spiked helmet which would spike Mario in the arse if he tried his usual jumping technique. They are the most German of the Goomba varieties.
- Para-Goombas - These were accidentally created in a bio-chemical accident at a Goomba research facility. These Goombas sprouted wings and could fly in from above.
- Toaster Goombas - These Goombas were supposed to toast Mario to death, but found local Toads and Princess Peach more toastier than Mario. It is also extremely painful for Mario when they are stomped on. Oh, and they all toast toast.
- Micro Goombas - The initial idea was to shrink small enough to go into Mario's body and attack from the inside, however they didn't manage to get quite that small so instead would hide under objects and jump out at Mario sometimes attaching themselves to him so he couldn't jump as well just like an annoying little brother or sister.
- Hyper Goombas - Simply a Goomba that’s had a bit too much beer, they would charge at their enemies hoping to knock them out... admittedly half the time they ran so quick they actually squished on impact.
- Al-Qaeda Goombas - After the 9/11 attacks, Osama Bin laden recruited Goombas to fight Bush and his minions (Republicoopas and Republigoombas)
- Republigoombas - These were formerly evil and loyal supporters of the Great Warlord Bush, and are now supporters of the Grand Tyrant Trump. Originally sent to the front lines of Iraq to kill people with turbines, they now use their power of extreme racial profiling to keep immigrants out of the country.
- Commiegoombas - Kommunist Goombas!
- Nazi Goombas - Goombas whom hate Jewish people, Goombas, Koopas, etc!
- KKK Goombas - They kill anything that's not white. Which is stupid, cause Mario is white and all the Goombas aren't.
- Frozen Goombas - They are found in the freezer and are a nice treat but if toasted they become toaster Goombas but they still taste good with butter and jelly.
- Goomba Goombas - They are Goombas but more Goombier and they are better at headbonking than the original Goomba, These types of Goombas or "Goomba Goombas" are red with Goomba badges all over it, oh, they also Goomba Goombas.
- Pingas Goombas - They are a form of a Pingas. They are one of Dr. Robotink's crossover breeds of his robot: Pingas and the natural Goomba. They are very rare and are shy. They like to have black boxes on them so they are hidden.
- Female Goomba - Goombas that are girls. These are very rare and unnecessary; as everyone knows, Goombas reproduce asexually.
- Fat Goombas - Massive amounts of Mickey D's has mutated them into fat monsters, so easy to kill Mario used them as food in the great crop shortage of 59802.
- Super Goomba' - One of Bowser's true and awesome minions.
- Chuboomba - These Goombas are actually Fat Goombas but they carry a lolingpop but had a minor appearance in a game.
- Zombie Goomba - They are very hard to kill as they are zombies. Just grab your Wunderwaffe.
- Drunk Goomba - Quite common, these Goombas die when touched, not stomped on, but they are quite dangerous as they can randomly ram into Mario. They also can ram into other stuff killing them instantly.
- Tomato Goomba - First introduced in Super Mario World, these Goombas are really regular Goombas but they can carry parachutes and are edible. Only assholes would call them "Galoombas".
- Shitt-Stained Goomba - Don't bother stomping these turds unless you want crap all over the back of your overalls. Well, unless you're a gross perv with a serious case of coprophilia.
- Fruity Goomba - These come in three varieties: watermelon, pineapple, and strawberry. Their only use is to shove them all into a blender to make a delicious smoothie with such a high number of calories that it'll kill anyone who eats it instantly.
- Ginger Goomba - They have souls and nobody tells them they don't.
- Hippie Goomba - Always high on something. Nobody knows exactly what, but it's gotta be a pretty strong narcotic.
- The Trump Goomba - Builds a wall over you. Whenever you jump over it, it deports you.
- Social Justice Goombas - These little bastards take the concept of liberalism and run it right through the ground, giving Democrats a bad name. They violently attack anyone who does anything that can be seen as remotely offensive, even though it's not meant to offend them. They don't offer shots at redemption for their targets, either.
Over the years there were some famous Goombas. Let's share their stories.
- Agent Goomez - Nobody knew about this dangerous form. This Goomba is heavily trained in many fields. His main objective? Kill Mario.
In the past, this mercenary has performed many tasks. Such as the following:
- Assassinating Kent C. Koopa. It was found out that he was involved in a leading drug ring.
- Infiltrating the base of a gang of Koopas known as the Chainsaw Angels. None of them survived.
- Slitting the throat of the mayor of Poshley Heights. Documents proved of his help in the murder of a lone toad.
- Nuking Twilight Town. Over the years, it became infested with robbers and serial killers. Drugs were its strong point. Goommez didn't care about it anyway.
- Assassinating Princess Peach. She attacked him with 1000 Toad Commandos in the desert. Had some help from Bowser.
Those are just a few. He works alone and has yet to be caught.
He wears a suit much like James Bond and a pair of black sunglasses.
- George W. Goomba - After a name change and major surgery, this Goomba became President of the United States.
- Goomba Cretien - This Goomba went through minor surgery to become Prime Minister of Canada.
- John A. McGoomba - Canada's first prime minister, he was actually a Goomba, but they just replaced his face in books. Canada was ashamed when he was Prime Minister.
- James Goomba Bond - In action Mario games.
- George Harrigoomba - The world's first Goomba guitarist, despite the fact he has no arms. He was in the band "The Ghoombas".
- Goom Goom - Loves Goombella, sadly.
- Goombella - A really famous Goomba. She wants to be an archaeologist or something but she has to do a lot of tasks for her equipment, and Goom Goom wants to marry her.
- Goomfrey - Born in New Jersey, he was once a human but got transformed into a Goomba for killing a cop and cutting his own tongue. He was depressed, so brother Sal.. Wait I mean Liu, went to Rougeport to be a Pirate. Goomfrey was named Jeff the killer as a human. In the game Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door he is seen in Rogueport acting a lot like Jay from Silent Bob.
- McGoomba - Went to Goomba and Goombella's wedding to see his coins he got.
- Goom Goom and Goombella's Baby - A Nonsensitive Rhythm. Its parents were Goom Goom and Goombella. To help other goombas lost in Keelhaul Key it needs no more.
- Goomther - Goomba and Goombella's Thief. Draws her and Goomba in his closet. Arther makes more sense than Joe Joe and Isabella. Goomther has a sister named Goomjen and moved away.
- Goomther's Wife - Another lost Goomba Girl. Her ponytail got so wet that she could never have it. She and Goomther tried not to dare at other Goombas. There was Goom Goom's Girlfriend Goombella. They are nicer than Goomther and Her.
- Jeff the killer - Goomfrey's human form. A typical thug trying to pay dues and make a living in Jersey, when he turns into a Goomba. His brother Liu tries to convince him into giving up a life of crime. It never works....
- Goombob - Works at Toadland Yard His Insane Girlfriend Goombetty works with Mr. E.
- Goombetty - Goom Goom and Goombella marked her off.
- Liu - Goomba's History Lady.. As seen as with...Goom Goom and Goombella, Goompolly, James Goomba Bond, Goombaria, Goomary, The Goomba Ghost, Goomfrey, Goombob and Goombetty & Goomboss.
- Goombario - The misunderstood Goomba had a bad run-in with the law trying to steal candy from children, Goombario's father called Mario to "Help this boy!" Now Goombario is in Mario's boot camp until he is a proper bastard.
- Goomham Willington - Born in L.A. this Goomba is incredibly rich from his dad who was a famous porn star and owns 7 countries
- TV Goomba - Goomba and Goombella saw the TV Goomba. Its changes have none on it. The TV Goomba has gone to go. They saw TV Toad and Toadette.
- Goomboss - The leader of all the Goombas mostly Goomba and Goombella. He was the first Goomba to kill Mario.
- Nathan Goomba Forrest - "No Damn Mario Stomps Me and Lives."
- Dr. Octogoombapus - He fires his laser at unexpected victims (Yoshi, Mario, Princess Peach, and Koopas) at unexpected angles and at over 9000 degree temperatures.
- Goomba the magical Goomba that ever Goombaed - He was the first Goomba to live and die.
- Goomba in the first game - It is that Goomba that has killed Mario for the first time. He is the most remarked Goomba and was crowned king of the Goombas taking the name of Goomboss. Hipster Goombas call him Goombossome
- Tanooki Goomba - It was a drunk Goomba but had TOO MUCH and woke up with a tail and was missing something, his virginity.
Goomba in Racial Terms
A Goomba can be a slur for an Italian. It has never really caught on after the Nintendo-Snoop Dog case of 1999. Snoop mentioned the term Goomba in one of his raps and Nintendo sued for copyright infringement. Snoop was considered guilty and was forced to pay Nintendo 34 trillion dollars, a fraction of what he made of the song.
Many of the cleverest minds have compared Goombas to the commonly known animal called Lemmings. You may argue that Goombas aren't trying to get themselves killed, however if you look at the sheer number of Goombas that have died either due to their own down right stupidity or through foiled attempts to kill their arch-enemy Mario you will probably agree it would save time if they just find the nearest cliff and jump.
After many invasions led by their leader Bowser, Goombas decided to be his good minions (by promoting him).
Little is known about Goomba breeding habits, however to keep up with their death rates (approximately 1 every 0.2 seconds), they must be doing it like rabbits.