Asexual

For the sexual orientation, see Asexuality.

“Mmm-mmm! Lookin' asexy! Why thank you...”

~ Asexual on Asexuals

Asexuals are people who, for some yet unknown reason, were born without the innate capacity to understand why lady lumps are so very lovely, or why anyone would go to the trouble of writing, performing or producing a song about how lovely they are - much less why such a song would be worthy of winning a Grammy. Though some people (mostly complete morons) simply believe being asexual is just an excuse for being ugly.

Asexuals are not interested in sex at all, even though many are in happy relationships, marriages, and committed partnerships. Relationships between asexuals have a number of advantages, including a vastly reduced likelihood of having to spend many years corralling a herd of screaming brats through McDonald's drive-thrus and Wal-Mart.

Famous fictional asexuals

There are a number of suspected asexual fictional characters, including Arthur Martin from the show Six Feet Under, and Doctor Who. In addition, all Imaginationland residents are asexual.

What to do if you think you may be asexual

If you are unsure whether or not you may be asexual, and are curious to know what sex is like without having to actually try it with someone, there are a number of ways this can be accomplished. Sex is an assault on nearly all of the senses, and can be simulated thusly:

• Sound: This can be approximated by repeatedly inserting a cucumber into a jar of mayonnaise.
• Smell: For this, you will need several ears of corn, a can of tuna, and either a scoop of used cat litter or a used diaper. Combine these ingredients in a trash bag, let sit at room temperature for 24-48 hours, then open the bag and take a whiff.
• Touch: Sneak into your local gym, steal several bodybuilder's sweat-soaked garments when they are not looking, take them home and wring them out all over yourself. For maximum effect, do this in conjunction with previous step.
• Sight: Watch a video clip of Terri Schiavo or Jim Carrey. This will give you some idea of the stupid facial expressions your partner will be making.
• Taste: Yeah... pretend this one is non-applicable for now.

If you are still curious to try sex after completing the above exercise, then you are most likely not asexual. If, on the other hand, you now wish to burn your genitals off with a flamethrower to prevent sex from ever happening to you, then there is a good chance you may be asexual.