Carpenter
“Brown-nosers!”
A carpenter is someone who works with wood for a living (not that kind of wood!) Carpenters glue, hammer, nail, rivet, wedge, and slam pieces of wood against one another until they stick together. The point is, usually, to build something. Jesus Christ was a carpenter, ergo, all carpenters are automatically Christians. Even Muslim carpenters are really Christians (although they don't know it yet; they are in for a surprise when they get to heaven and cannot find their 72 virgins).
History[edit]
Prehistoric and Ancient Times[edit]
There has been carpentry as long as there has been wood (not that kind of wood!) Prehistoric carpenters would pull down small trees and stack them on one another to form rude shelters, or would use flint blades to carve branches into spears. Carpentry was born!
Carpentry techniques improved over the ages. Oddly, the ages never had anything to do with wood (not that kind of wood!) From the Stone Age to the Bronze Age to the Pewter Age to the Tin Age and Iron Age, and finally the Golden Age, carpenters continued to develop more clever ways for manipulating their wood (not that kind of wood!) Rude huts and flimsy arrows became grand pianos and gallant Spanish galleons. Not too shabby.
The biggest problem faced by carpenters throughout the ages is that wood rots. This means that there are not many enduring historical testaments to their skill and prowess. The stone masons who built castles and pyramids had it easy. Not so much for the humble carpenter. However, archeologists are pretty sure that the Trojan Horse was built from wood by ancient Greek carpenters. Score one for the carpenters!
Medieval Times: Guilds[edit]
By the end of the middle ages, being a carpenter meant joining a carpentry guild. They were much like modern-day gangs, with guild colors, signs, and initiation ceremonies where initiates would have to be "jumped in." There were different stages of guild membership, from apprentice to journeyman to running man to master to grand master to Grand Master Flash. The first rule of the guilds was, you don't talk about the guilds. The second rule of the guilds was, you don't talk about the guilds. The third rule of the guilds was, what happens in the guilds stays in the guilds.
Modern Times: Trade Unions[edit]
The guilds have disappeared, only to be replaced by trade unions. Belonging to a union guarantees members a living wage when there is work available. Unfortunately, with most high-end, modern buildings being constructed of iron, steel, and glass, carpenters cannot always find much work. They are often reduced to signing on to substandard projects like the Love Shack in Atlanta, Georgia, USA.
Confusion[edit]
Throughout the ages, there has been confusion over what a carpenter does. As said before, a carpenter works with with wood (not that kind of wood!) Being a carpenter has nothing to do with carpets. Carpet-layers lay carpet (not that kind of carpet!) (Unlike carpet-munchers, who, on the other hand, do munch that kind of carpet.)
Also, being a carpenter does not automatically make one godly (although it does make one Christian - see above). Carpenters are not considered to be performing holy work simply by lathing some wood (not that kind of wood!) Water does not become holy simply by pouring into a wooden bowl or cup carved by a carpenter, contrary to what you may have learned while watching Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.
See also[edit]
- Jesus
- Trojan Horse
- Love Shack
- Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
- Carpenter ant