The Man
“I'm sick of them sticking it to me!”
"The Man" is keeping me down, man. The "Man" is a specific individual who runs the government, is in bed with the leaders of all large corporations, and is behind the scenes when it comes to authority figures in general. He also enjoys racial oppression, opposing every counterculture in existence, and setting fire to puppies and/or impoverished African children.
The Man is real and controls our world, which is why many people choose to fight him. Yet he cannot be beaten, because once the current "Man" is dead, another will rise to power. The Man cannot be defeated. The Man is watching you. Always.
The Man may or may not be the leader of Them.
On the Origin of The Man[edit]
It all began over 100 years ago. It was a magical time of discovery, a time of free love and bell-bottoms. The television was coming into mainstream popularity, and dinosaurs were being phased out as the main method of transport, as you grandparents discovered the much more effective alternative of the "perpetual uphill both way snow storm walk of impossibility". It was truly a wondrous time, except for The Man. yes, believe it or not, The Man was not created (entirely) in a lab, but was give birth to by a pair of hippies in the back seat of a Ford. This paternal relationship was cut short when The Man in child form strangled his parents with their own dreadlocks while they were sleeping. The authorities were in total awe of The Man's cold-hearted killing, and decided that The Man would be a powerful ally in the fight against happiness.
His training consisted 10 weeks of political science, 15 weeks of economics, 20 weeks of practical business education, and approximately 15 minutes of Fox News. This unholy cocktail of education provided the grounds for The Man to achieve the one true purpose of the establishment: An excuse to make poor people suffer for his (often sexual) pleasure.
“You can't win. Yeah, you can try, but in the end you're just gonna lose, big time, because the world is run by the Man. The Man. Oh, you don't know the Man? Well, he's everywhere. In the White House, down the hall, Ms. Mullins, she's The Man, man. And The Man is ruining the ozone, he's burning down the Amazon, and he kidnapped Shamu and put her in a chlorine tank!”
A man eat man world[edit]
The Man uses his PI (psionically indiced rating; or psionic index, for short) 800 telepathic and telekinetic psychic powers to increase his own power and reduce everyone else's. After all, if he did anything but this, he would not be The Man, for it would reduce his self esteem to ego ratio (thus, his power level would become well below 9000). The Man wishes to control all human life on the earth, in panties, stick them into international business standard, and have it work for 9.95/hour while they worship his sexy, sexy, panty-wearing ass. As has been explained, the man has no shame, for he has no self esteem. His self esteem must be as low as possible, in order to supplant his incredible, incredible ego. Men will eat each-other, but it is frowned upon in most societies.
Jesus Christ on The Man[edit]
“Thou shalt not worhsippest the man, lest thine ears falleth off. Instead, throweth thine oldest fishes against the wall of the man's establishment, so that thou might bask in the glory of sticking fishes to the wall of the man. Amen.”
Mans, you can't live with 'em...[edit]
In his spare time The Man has many hobbies, notably working with charities which promote racial oppression, such as the public school system. Yes, The Man controls the public school system too. After every ounce of self-esteem has been crushed it becomes easier to transform you into one of The Man's corporate drones. I must now balance my checkbook and prepare spreadsheets.
“There used to be a way to stick it to the Man, it was called rock 'n roll. But guess what, oh no, the Man ruined that, too, with a little thing called MTV!”
The Many Faces of The Man[edit]
The Man is capable of shape-shifting his form to suit his purposes. Usually he will take the form of an entity such as Hitler, Saddam Hussein, That guy in North Korea, or "that really mean English teacher you had in seventh grade. You know. The one with the mole the size of a raccoon's brain who made you pee yourself because she wouldn't let you go to the bathroom?". However, The Man often enjoys taking the form of generic entities, as to further his power in small ways and subtly manipulate the establishment from the inside. He may also be Big Brother, but it has not been confirmed.
The Man in the Corner Office
Like all of the Man's forms, this one exists to screw you over. Posing as your co-worker and confidant, he lures you into spilling your guts over how much you love the other Man who is gay. Meanwhile, he's deciding whether to dock your already measly pay or end "casual Fridays". This form of the man is used to crush his already downtrodden wage slaves that work for his wrinkled, overbearing ass.
The problem with this form, however, is that this form is a sexy piece of ass. He looks he came right out of Fox News' "Spring Brake Report". Everything he does is perfect, his teeth are white, and you can see his juicy triceps bulging out from his...never mind. Women are the most vulnerable to this form, and with it he is easily able to manipulate them into having sexual relations with him. The resulting spawn will usually end up either in the fast food industry or the leader of a police state, depending on the upkeep of his facial hair.
Police officer
The Man shapeshifts into the form of a policeman when he wants to fuck with black people, hippies, or general freaks at a "street level". This is because in most of his other forms he can't legally hit people with a stick for no reason. One of his particular favorites is making people subject to archaic standards of 'respect' in his presence, meanwhile their mother is dying in the backseat of a car with a pipe sticking out of her gut.
Tax Official
In this guise, the Man enjoys sending demands for income or other, usually made-up, tax demands to low-earners and the unemployed, thus making their financial situation even more precarious. When the Man sends out these letters, he pointedly enjoys doing so in the company of his filthy-rich tax-exile friends, quaffing champagne and laughing through their horrible over-fed faces.
Banker
The Man particularly enjoys taking the form of a banker. In this guise, he spent most of the '80s and '90s demanding governments lighten their regulation in order to create a banking crisis (note this activity has recently been resumed). He did this purely to enjoy subsequently forcing governments to hand over tax-payers money to the banks he owns (i.e. all of them) before ensuring that his richest minions nonetheless received massive bonuses. The Man is always laughing all the way to the bank.
Regular Meetings[edit]
The Man has weekly conferences with his groveling henchman in 'The Establishment'. The Man is a creature of habit, so the meetings follow a pretty set format:
- Usually they kick off by reading the megalomaniacal diatribes from the last meeting. This gives them all an erection but the Man's is always the biggest and best.
- Before moving on to the week's business, they break for doughnuts and coffee, The Man always gets the Boston Kreme, and leaves the others to fight for the one with the chocolate sprinkles.
- The Man devotes at least 45 minutes of every session to hand picking the names of the common, hard-working folk that he will randomly victimize that week. Sometimes they pick a theme to spice things up, like people with newborn babies, disabilities or people from ethnic minorities.
- In meetings with the man, "Any other business" has a whole new meaning. They get the lightpro going then surf the internet looking for any business not owned by The Man, when they find one they use a bespoke Magic 8 Ball (with answers such as "feed it to the receivers" and "sack the poorest paid workforce then absorb the rest into one of our corporations") to decide its fate.
- The Man often makes jokes in meetings about the unspeakable acts he has committed, then the underling with the most forced laughter is dragged off by Be-bop and Rocksteady off of the Turtles (sic) for a good kicking. Usually they are taken to an adjoining room with a soundproof glass wall so The Man can enjoy their beating whilst listening to the works of Schubert or Mozart.
Old man's network[edit]
However it's not all work, work, work at the establishment....
- The Man also enjoys smoking. A true connoisseur, The Man only smokes cigars that have been hand rolled on the thigh of 18-year-old virgins - usually one he intends to deflower that evening.
- Most of The Man's crew are fairly aged, and they often enjoy traditional old man activities such as dominoes, not giving kids their ball back and changing each other's colostomy bags.
- Like most megalomaniacs, The Man enjoys relaxing with a game of chess. In order to spice the game up, the Man has his minions dress up in costume and play the game out on a huge chessboard in one of his many pleasure chambers. If a piece is taken, The Man expects the taking piece to kill the minion representing the taken piece in a bloody manner. Because of the near-hypnotic hold he has over his underlings, the minions not only allow this but actually thank The Man before being eviscerated. The Man almost-always wins his game, having only being defeated once. On that occasion the victor, a Texan oil billionaire who liked to think he was "equal" to The Man was removed to a neighboring pool and fed to The Man's pet sharks whilst The Man watched the whole thing, casually eating Brazil nuts from a silver bowl held by a grovelling Donald Trump.
Speculate to accumulate[edit]
“This year, no man has distinguished himself by relentlessly dominating society, controlling the global marketplace, and keeping the little guy down quite like the man we honor here today, and that man is The Man.... Who among us can honestly say they have never backed down in the face of the staggering magnitude and power of The Man? Many have devoted their entire lives to resisting The Man, but, in the end, their efforts have brought them failure, degradation, and, more often than not, utter destruction at The Man's mighty hand, man.”
Property owned in part or in whole by The Man[edit]
- McDonald's Restaurants and Fine Eateries International, Incorporated. Purveyors of re-cycled meats.
- The Coca-Cola Company - the world's largest best company!
- Google - "Don't be evil" is a concept they promote so they can monopolize the biz.
- The Microsoft Corporation - a software manufacturer, which sells bugged software and then, when it gets it right, ceases supporting it and forces you to buy the new build and, in doing so, buy a whole new PC so you can actually run it. Oh no, how did I manage with XP when I couldn't close windows by shaking them?!
- Jamster - a cellular phone ringtone seller. "Our tunes are catchy, like plague."
- Nike - a clothing manufacturer. Run by rich adults; made by poor children; for the child-like.
- The Gap - a clothing retailer; run child, or they'll lock you up in a sweatshop.
- Wal-Mart - a retail chain run by the elderly, disabled veterans and retards who are too stupid to speak in full sentences.
- Fox News - a 24-hour news channel which The Man uses to shift all blame in the United States away from him and onto the liberal media.
- BSkyB - Like watching that US import for free on terrestrial broadcasting? Tough shit, now BSkyB own the rights and you'll need to pay £25 a month to The Man to see it. Like watching that sport for "only" £25 a month on BSkyB Sports? The Man decided you have to pay £15 every time you want to see it on top of the £25 monthly BSkyB subscription. You love it, you slags.
- Wikipedia - source of misinformation from The Man.
- Uncyclopedia - source of misinformation about misinformation from The Man.
- Apple Computers - Hey, hipsters, hanging out in your local coffee shop with your heavily branded Apple iLaptop or whatever the fuck they're called and self-consciously tip-tapping your derivative fucking zombie screenplay and loudly telling people how Obama is a "sell out" unlike you and your mates: The Man says "thanks" for all the money.
- Disney- Its Disney, Man
- Peoples Republic of China - Capitalist profits with Communist oppression? That's how The Man rolls!
- You - Yes, indeed he owns you real good in more ways then you'd think or like to know.
- United States of America - Hey aye yeah yeah its a party in the U.S.A., if your the one collecting meaningless tax dollars to wipe your shit covered ass, Man. Well unless the Man is using it to fix problems the Man caused in the first place...
- The Russian Federation The Man is impressed with his "protege" Vladimir Putin. The Man admires the way he does business and, indeed Business. Naturally whilst Gazprom is 50% owned by Putin in the guise of the Russian state, it is 100% owned by The Man.
- Richard Nixon- He's the only man capable of turning one of the most successful superpower nations of all time into one of totalitarian authoriatarianisiamtivium (bla bla bla). He took orders from The Man and served as The Man's personal ass masseuse, man! But... I suppose the devil gave him a nice toilet seat in hell?
The real truth about the man, brought to you by The Man[edit]
“Hey man, a lot of people will tell you the whole man thing is just some shit hippies dreamt up when they got paranoid on a bad trip, man. That's like a crock a shit man, any man that tells you that is working for the man, man. Even people who tell you the man exists, like tell it to you in a stupid way man, so you will think they are full of shit, when really they are full of shit, because they tell you the truth to make you believe lies, man. Just think about it for a while man, and it all starts to make sense man.”