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A lame oldie's reaction to watching current MTV for more than, like, five seconds lol.
For other uses, see MTV (disambiguation).

“They have that show where that guy lives with the genie, right? Hey, remember when MTV played, like, music?... yeah. Me neither.”

~ Oscar Wilde on MTV

MTV (formerly Music Television) like, so rules. Dude, you gotta check out when that lady talks about white privilege. Man, that's like so how I'm gonna be someday when my parents like un-ground me and shit. They're like, so fucking lame. They say if I get another C on my report card I can't take the car out anymore. OMG.


These people were like you, the teens of yesterday: dangerous and bursting with testosterone. But, like, us teens of today are soft and bursting with estrogen, so sez The Powers That Be on TikTok.

Music videos

Dude, they like used to play videos and shit. I remember like when I was five and my older brother used to be playing MTV all the time and all they had was those videos that were like short movies but they didn't make any sense. Like some guy is singing and his girl's dancing and some homey comes and takes her and then he's singing again, but then it just ends and the guy is just like standing there with his guitar all sad and shit. Or there'd be like a bird flying or something that didn't make sense.

Diversification into reality TV

Then they got on The Real World with those whack people and slowly migrated from music videos to reality TV. Man, I wish I got to live there and like drink beer and party on the beach. They got some fine-ass chicks that like dance in bikinis. That's how it should be everywhere, man. I want to get like a case of Bud and go dance with them. You know what I'm sayin'? Then I'll like pass out and the tide'll like drown me.

Then they had that show with Jennifer Aniston looking all hot and shit. She'd ask these guys questions like "spit or swallow?" then the guy would answer and if he got the right answer he got to sleep with the chick. I forget what it was but it was awesome. Then on The Real World they'd get into fights and throw stuff. Man, that's how I'm gonna be. I'm gonna lay down some ground rules when I get a pad of my own.

Then they got Tom Green and the Jackass guys who, like, pulled pranks on people. That was awesome. You know, during that late '90s–early 2000s transitional period where MTV was, like, becoming a HUGE oxymoron (showing less music videos, thus becoming unworthy of the name "Music Television") but, like, still had some fratboy x-treme original content before going full pussified.

Then they had that show called Parental Control where the parents try to break their bitch daughter up with her douchebag boyfriend by introducing him to some nice guys, but she always, like, just stays with the douchebag because she likes being treated like shit.


Kurt Loder's like kind of old, right? But he's, what's that word? He's like wise. Yeah. He was all like telling about the news all the time. Like when Kurt Cobain died, or when Lindsay Lohan was getting chased by those reporters and shit and flew her car into a lake and almost drowned. Then that awesome Tom Cruise hooked with that totally awesome babe Natalie Portman. But then they told about political and globalism stuff too like bombs blowing shit up in Iranistan because of 9/11. That was like totally a downer. But it's not like CNN that's like "Duh, we're going to go to a four-hour Congress speech and fucking bore all our viewers to death." Loder was like "Shit, here's the fucking news and let's cut to the new Bizkit."


Kurt Loder's grandmother after watching oldschool(ish) MTV for five minutes.

The commercials were all right, you know, like that Mountain Dew guy was all skiing through the air and stuff, but sometimes it was like they go on and on and I was just waiting to see how Punk'd ended. So there was like ten minutes of Punk'd and like twenty minutes of commercials sometimes, you know? I ain't dissin' em' but it's like, cut me some slack, you know, I can only go to the bathroom so many times.

MTV today

And now like, there are these bitchin' sweet videos with shit and stuff with like shortys twerkin' their junk all over the joint. And white boys pretending to be black guys with face tattoos, rainbow hair, gucci, Bugattis, and purple drank and shit disobeying authority and being cool. Dude, after my parents get me through college, I am totally gonna go ill and be a nigga. SKSKSK ND I OOP!!! LOL. But like there are also these videos where a really hardcore girl is all sad and shit and her inner sadness comes out as a flock of dark lonely crow souls and tears of blood drip from her weird looking eyelids. It's deep shit. Skrrt skrrt.


For decades now MTV has, like, come under heavy fire from their old-timer fanbase, because, like, they changed their old format and shit. My 55-year-old dad says MTV "was good until the early '90s, when it started to suck ass and put whiny grunge shit on instead of awesome New Wave and hair metal music." My 45-year-old brother says it "was good until the late '90s, when it started to suck ass and put TRL Britney Spears Limp Bizkit teen pop nu-metal shit on instead of awesome grunge music." My 35-year-old brother says it "was good until the late '00s, when it started to suck ass by canceling TRL and putting on Jersey Show Miley Cyrus Justin Bieber slutty teen shit instead of awesome Blink-182 pop punk bangers and x-treme Mountain Dew fratboy Jackass pranks."

But like, these people don't understand. MTV is like, made up of people who were born after MTV was made, so we are, like, the liquid generation, man. We can make what we want, and piss off our viewers because, like, dude, money. There's the moolah, dude. Money from the arsehole we get. So the critics and shit are bullshit, man. Complete and utter lame-ass bull. We can, like, be awesome in our own way. But the music videos? Well, screw that shit, that's '80s, too retro for us, man. We know, we know, we, like, existed since '81 but dude, that was the '80s man. None of us were born in the '80s 'cepting Kurt Loder, our main man, but he realized he was a zombie and joined us cool people.

Now we post shows such as Jersey Shore: Family Vacation, Teen Mom, and MTV Decoded and shit, because our viewers changed. Sure, we had, like, kick ass music videos but what are they anymore, man? I mean, we show them and shit, but man, no one cares anymore. We have to spy on everyone's lives, man, and post real-life crap. I mean, come on, man, what other network shows real life, real world shit like that, aside from TruTV, ID, Discovery Channel, TLC, and National Geographic? We're original, man. That's why we get the viewers and the chicks. Hell yes.

See also