The logo designed on MS Paint by Andy Warhol
|Created by||Some guy who created Torchwood and another guy who made Bad Boys|
|Country of origin||Wales|
|No. of series||3|
|No. of episodes||36|
(Including 2007 & 2008 Xmas Specials)
|Running time||BBC 3: 60mins|
Dave: 120mins (incl. ads)
WWELC: 70 Mins (incl. ads)
|Original channel||BBC 3|
CSI: Swansea is the first United Kingdom based spin-off of the “popular” television franchise CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, aimed at increasing the numbers of UK viewers. Series 4 is due to begin filming shortly, on location in Swansea, and in other areas in South Wales. It is due to be broadcast on BBC3 in the United Kingdom (Except Wales where BBC3 is banned because the Welsh took offence to Jeremy Clarkson's hair), and on CBS in the United States, and in Wales it is aired on the Wales's Welsh English language Channel. The series is repeated on Dave so that means the program is extended by 60 minutes to fulfill advertising space. ITV is currently planning a rip-off version called Crime Area Investigation: Cardiff, continuing ITV's plan to copy any decent BBC program. The show was also created to capitalise on the success of Welsh Cinema.
The show follows a similar format to that of the American version of the series, only this time the action is set within Swansea, Wales (the bit of land attached to England) with a team of detectives and other officers who solve seemingly implausible crimes, in an unbelievably short period of time from their base of operations below the Swansea Observatory. The pivotal plot to the series is that of the violent crime that emanates from Swansea and the teams willingness to do whatever they can to stop it, even if it means they end up dead. The series also looks in depth at the main characters and explores their lives, showing them taking part in duties beyond their station.
The main difference (other than the country) is the range of technology available to the team. As they work in a poorly funded unit (as is common in Wales), they receive very limited equipment (the first case is solved exclusively by use of magnifying glass and violent interrogation). Producer Jerry Bruckheimer believes this will give the show a “realistic gritty edge, that is so evident in British crime … we also hope to distract from the crappy football.” Ironically the show is created by Anthony E. Zuiker who created the American and original versions of CSI. The show is also famous for killing off its characters with nearly one a series leaving. The first series death, that of Detective Berth Woosencroft attracted 100,000 complaints on the night it was broadcast due to viewers claiming that the villain was not wearing oven gloves when he burnt her face in the George Foreman Grilling Machine, a result which killed her. Like the other series, CSI: Swansea basically shows the same story over and over again with different actors. The series will continue with the stars falling in love blah blah until someone dies and yada yada yada. Since none of the series has ended as of yet, you can expect the series to continue for another 80 years. Thanks CBS.
Originally to be a joint effort between UK CSI broadcasters Channel Five and CBS set in London, the project was temporarily suspended after Five were declared bankrupt, after buying too much foreign tat, cheap porn and old programs that no-one is interested in. Keen to carry on the project, Bruckheimer approached BBC Wales, deciding they had too much money for their own good after watching an episode of Sci-Fi documentary Torchwood. The two companies reached a compromise, re-locating the program to Swansea, the second city of Wales.
Producer Jerry Bruckheimer stated:
|“||We wanted the series to use local music, to really capture what Wales is about, something modern that would appeal to American audiences, but something that would give the show its own gritty identity. Then we realized that contemporary Welsh bands were shit so we took the cheapest Who Song available.||”|
Title track “I’m a Boy” can be downloaded at many different websites.
Chief Detective Chris Palmer
- Played by: Vic Reeves - 2010–Present
- First Appearance: 'In Which We Meet Chris Palmer' 5x03
Chris' past is paved with misery. At the age of ten his dad left and his mother was forced to raise him and his brother this earned him the title "Mummy's boy" during his teenage years, so in an attempt to to prove himself, he enlisted in the armed forces. After being dishonourably discharged for making a pass at a commanding officer he returned to his hometown of Swansea to be with his wife and kid, only he later discovered his wife was making sly love with "a midnight creeper". He left his wife and used his military background to enrol on a criminology course at Swansea university. He excelled at the course and graduated two years prior to anyone else. Some time later, after the lecturer that taught him dies of chlamydia he became the lecturer of the course, teaching it in his lecturers honour.
He is first seen in the series five episode "In Which We Meet Chris Palmer" when the team are investigating a spate of murders that appear to be copying some from the 1980s. Chief Detective Father Dylan then sends his team to a haunted house to investigate the murders where they come across Chris who informs the team that his brother was found dead in the house many years ago and although the killer was never found he has spent every waking moment of his life trying to track them down. The team eventually capture the killer and Chris gets the peace he has been looking for. At the end of the episode he is sacked from Swansea university for stealing stuff from the stationary cupboard although he does not seem bothered by this. In "The Drugernaut" Palmer follows the team around like a lost puppy while they solve a drug related case and eventually he saves the day with his razor sharp wit and outstanding timing meaning the case is solved and no one dies. Thinking these are good leadership qualities Paula Evans offers him the job of being the teams new leader. He accepts and makes a badge out of the stuff he nicked from the university stationary cupboard stating his role and authority.
In the following episode "One Finger, One Thumb Don't Move" it's Palmer's first full day as the teams new leader. He shows up at the base of operations wearing a brand new tweed jacket, similar to that of Gilly Gristle which puts the team in an embarrassing situation when both Palmer and Gristle try and outdo each other in the fashion department which results in distracting the team from the crime at hand. In the same episode Palmer learns that the team don't have as much respect for him as they did Father Dylan Jenkins. In order to prove that he is just as good as Dylan, Palmer tries to solve the crime by pretending to be able to mind read as he does not want to be outdone by Father Dylan who had his faith. This however results in the team arresting the wrong person, nevertheless Palmer still maintains he can read peoples minds. Palmer finally wins his team over when in the episode "Press "M" For Murderousness" they are called to a local Travelodge where a man has been found folded and flattened within a trouser press. While investigating Palmer cracks several unfunny and cheesy puns such as "He [the bloke that's dead] looks like he's been working flat out!" and "I guess he was caught with his trousers down!" Despite the dreadful puns the team decide it's time to start trusting Palmer.
In "Class Of 2010" the team investigate a case that involves two school kids drowning in the school toilets. Palmer suspects foulplay and hatches a plan for the team to dress up as school girls to go undercover and find the culprit. The team are non-too happy about this and express their concerns to Palmer but as they are doing so they along with everyone else in the school are taken hostage. Later in the same episode Palmer is stabbed by the murderer and the team come to his aid. He believes himself to be wearing his lucky stab-proof vest but then realises that it's at the dry cleaners as they were trying to get the blood stains out. The episode ends with Palmer fainting from blood loss. At the start of the next episode Palmer is visited by the team at the local hospital. They bring him some fish and chips but are thrown out when Detective Bertie Packer is accused of being too loud. In this episode it is revealed that after Palmer fainted he was taken to a local hospital where he was declared dead. He was then taken to a better hospital (the one he is seen in in the episode) where doctors upgraded his condition to stable. While he is resting up Jack Llewellyn is once again put in charge of running the team. During his time in the hospital Palmer dresses up as a surgeon to try and uncover malpractice in the NHS but before he can do so he is called away by his team and discharged from the hospital. As he is leaving he gives his phone number to all the female nurses, including an elderly one. The older nurse looks confused by this but Palmer tells her that he is not desperate, he just likes women in uniforms. Predictably none of the women phone him back. In the same episode the team discover that night clubbers are being killed and cut into pieces. When Palmer and the team find a sack of body parts, Palmer picks out four severed arms and pretends to be Doctor Octopus from the Spiderman movies. This gets no laughs!
By the start of series six, Palmer appears knackered and is constantly seen drinking coffee. He is revealed to be so tired as he has been working five different jobs, including his CSI one, to pay for night classes to make him a better CSI agent and boss. The team is shown to have more respect for him and have gotten use to his crazy ways. In the first episode of series six he also hires himself a secretary to deal with his paperwork, phone calls etc despite claims by Sir Lionel Blaney that the departments budget does not stretch to hiring extra staff to do his paperwork, Palmer however maintains that he will continue to work his five jobs to pay the wages for his secretary out of his own pocket. When Dr. Audrey Portcullis resigns from the team Palmer and Paula Evans advertise for a replacement for her on Jobsite but Lionel Blayney goes behind their back and fast-tracks Gilly Gristle's doctors qualification, this makes Palmer very angry indeed. Palmer has the chance to get back at Blayney two episodes later when he meets Vanessa McAyreshire for the first time. Despite knowing she was sacked by Father Dylan because she was useless Palmer chooses to rehire her to help her out (as she is seen living rough) and because he wants to get back at Blayney for making Gilly the teams new doctor without his or Paula Evan's permission. Palmer is not happy when Paula Evans dies and Lionel Blayney reveals hs will be the teams new connection to the government. Matters are made worse when he has to work with his equal from CSI: Luton and they cannot decide who is going to run the case, in the end they decide to toss a coin to see who wins. Palmer loses and Appleby is put in charge of the case. Palmer then says "best of three?" but the teams walk off leaving him alone. Palmer is also oblivious to his secretary – Catrin Kendrick's – growing sexual attraction to him. At the end of series six Palmer and Appleby solve the conspiracy and expose it to the Queen. Palmer then takes Jack Heartless back into custody and drives his to an "open" prison but while doing so Heartless somehow manages to make Palmer crash into the Irish Sea. Palmer swims back to shore and Heartless escapes, swimming for freedom. Series seven sees Lionel Blayney questioning Palmer's involvement in Heartless' escape at the end of series six.
Dr. Gilly Gristle M.D.
- Played by: Alex Bulgo – 2010–Present
- First Appearance: ‘Bash & Curry’ 4x02
Gilly makes his first appearance at in the second episode of series four where he is seen to be co-owning a curry house (one of Swansea's best — apparently?!) with some unknown random guest star whom turns out to be the villain. After the CSI team are called to the restaurant following a family finding human remains in the Chicken Korma (or whatever the hell it was they were eating) Gilly's partner is arrested for the crimes and the curry house is condemned by the HSE. Father Dylan then tells Gilly that he may have to go to prison if the courts find him guilty of helping murder people and placing them in currys. Worried about what prison inmates might do to him in prison, he asks Dylan if he can join the CSI team, Dylan later accepts and hires him as an assistant to Dr. Audrey Portculis, with Gilly helping her with autopsies as he is good with cutting up meat.
The character as a whole is very backward when it comes to technology and thinks that a fire wall on a computer is when someone sets fire to the IT suite. He is always seen in a tweed jacket, an item of clothes he claims he cannot live without. He still refers to radio as the wireless despite the fact that he is only 31. He is not married as most women leave him when they take his money yet he still lives in a semi. He once saw an aeroplane fly over his house while he was watering his pond. His favourite song of all time is ‘Staring At The Rude Boys’ by The Ruts. He also knows little about hygiene in his work related area and is often seen dissecting bodies with no gloves on and while he is eating his lunch. After his appointment as a member of the team, Gilly does not get on well with some of the other members, noticing this Father Dylan organises a team bonding session as no crime has occurred while they work the night shift, the team then decide to play Twister and they all have a laugh and Gilly settles into his role. He performs his first autopsy in the following episode "A Slippery Assignment". Gilly, Audrey Portcullis and Paula Evan's are the only members of the team who are not kidnapped by Jack Heartles at the end of series four.
When Dr. Audrey Portcullis resigns during series six the team is left without a fully qualified doctor. Sir Lionel Blayney then tells Gilly that he will fast track his doctors qualification and that it should be complete by the next episode, allowing him to take over from where Audrey Portcullis left off. By the following episode he is a fully qualified doctor and no longer a mortician. Gilly almost mucks up while performing his first post mortem as a doctor as he does not notice that his victim is still alive!
Detective Huw Griffiths
- Played by: Richard Coyle - 2007–Present
- First Appearance: 'The Pilot - Part One' 1x01
Griffiths is a hard-working man, and doesn’t tolerate fools gladly. He works hard to get results, and isn’t satisfied if he doesn’t get his man. His hard line and bigoted insults can make him difficult for the other members of the team to interact and work with. This hard exterior is seemingly a ruse covering for deep poetic vulnerability, only accessible by a woman’s touch. He was brought up on a farm, and is the team’s agricultural crime expert, being able to fingerprint any domesticated animal. He has a fondness for Brad Pitt and his style of acting, claiming disapproval of Mario Wang destroying a poster of the actor. He claims to have some military background, saying that he went into the army after he caught his former lover having sex with a "Late Night Creeper". Since his supposed return from the army he has put all his spare time into trying to catch his brother who is the notorious local cattle smuggler Danny Griffiths. Huw investigates Danny’s crimes in his free time, aiming to put him inside before he retires. In series four it is revealed that Huw has married another woman and has a child which his wife "took from Africa". He and the rest of the team are kidnapped at the end of series four by Jack Heartless. Huw and the rest of the team are later rescued by Father Dylan and overpower the drug dealers. During the events of series five, Huw doesn't have much to do.
Detective Jack Llewellyn
- Played by: Huw Ceredig - 2007–2012, Derek Jacobi - 2012–Future
- First Appearance: 'The Pilot - Part One' 1x01-present
As a Detective he often accompanies the team to the scene of the crime, and often makes biting sarcastic comments that aren’t really appreciated by anyone. Has bettered himself by becoming a police officer (later a Detective), relinquishing his former job as a kingpin pimp/drummer for ill-fated pop rock band Catatonia. Colleagues from his past often appear at the centre of investigations, and commonly make his life difficult. Hampered by a wife and two children, who are unaware of his former life, and is continually embarrassed by his step-sister, who is a former reality television star.
On series 3 episode 3 he became the paranormal specialist after passing his GCSE for Latin studies he took over from Vanessa Ayreshire. In the second episode of series four Dylan comes to work only to see Jack sleeping stack bollock naked in the teams canteen. Jack later revealed to Dylan that between the events of the 2009 Christmas special and the start of series four he tried to double his money by investing in Icelandic Banks only they crashed and the bayliffs have now taken everything he had including his clothes. Dylan then gives Jack a tent so that he can live in his garden. Jack puts his back out while playing Twister during the events of series four episode three. Jack is revealed to be homophobic in series four episode seven when the gay Captain Jack Heartless is placed in charge of the team in Dylan's absence. While Dylan is away he also allows Jack to live inside his house but not to have any wild parties. He is taken hostage, along with the rest of the team, in the series four finale by Jack Heartless, who shoots Llwellyn. Jack is later rescued by Father Dylan. By the start of series five he is essentially the teams new temporary leader (although he is never elected to the post) as Father Dylan is an emotional wreck and spends most his time drinking. Jack gets on well with new colleague Bertie Packer claiming he isn't as poofy as Mario Wang yet he thinks the new head of armed support; Captain Sophie Ingstad is a slag calling her "Our resident slag". In series five episode four he is the only member of the team to say goodbye to Father Dylan before he leaves. He is not keen on Chris Palmer as Dylan's replacement calling Palmer "an eccentric middle aged twat". Jack's homophobia rears its head again in the series five episode "Bummer Of 69 Richardson Road" after several people accuse a quiet gay man of raping and murdering several women. There is then a scene where several members of the public attack the mans house to try and force him to leave the area. Jack joins in these attacks which causes his colleagues to express their disgust in him and as a result Chris Palmer is forced to give him a written warning. At the end of the episode Jack finds himself naked and strapped to the gay man after they have been kidnapped by the real killer. Jack manages to save the day by biting the killers penis off and together he and the gay man escape.
On the 16th August 2011 Huw Ceredig died leaving his position with the series uncertain. It has been confirmed that he had already filmed series seven and was in the process of filming series eight at the time of his death. What will happen to his character remains uncertain. Speaking off his death show creator Jerry Bruckheimer said "Talk about bad timing!". Rumour has it Ceredig will be replaced with either a CGI version of himself or by a bearded Derek Jacobi taking over the role of Jack Llewellyn. When asked about this Bruckheimer said "Thanks!!! That's solved our problem!!" It was confirmed on the 26th August that Huw had filmed scenes up to series eight which will be screened in 2012. After this episode he will be replaced with Derek Jacobi taking over the roll. Jacobi has said he will try is best to put on a welsh accent whenever possible. Speaking of Jacobi's casting Bruckheimer said "I'm just glad we did not have to waste our money on a CGI version of Huw. Imagine how cheap that would have looked. It would have made the show even more stupid and childish. Having a high profile actor like Jacobi in the roll is perfect for the series, besides he is used to all that detective work 'cause he was Cadfael. He was Cadfael wasn't he?????.....". Jack's slight change in appearance will reportedly be referenced in a future storyline when Jacobi takes over. Of this Bruckheimer has said "we've got this really clever idea whereby a criminal chucks a beaker of acid in his face (where the beaker comes from he did not say) and this results in him having to have some reconstruction work done, hence Jacobi taking over".
Detective Vanessa McAyreshire
- Played by: Chantelle Houghton - 2007–2009, 2011–Present
- First Appearance: 'The Pilot - Part One' 1x01
She was the team’s paranormal specialist and as a result she was hardly used. Father Dylan Jenkins fought for the termination of her post so the team can have a bullet proof jacket each, as opposed to their current one on, one off system. She knew very little about crime or scientific practice (which is fortunate, as neither do the audience), and so commonly needs had to have details explained (which is also fortunate). Throughout the first two series she is depicted as a ditzy blonde character who is more of a hindrance to the team than a help. Nearly always she is more concerned with her health, beauty and appearance then the crimes that the team are trying to solve. Even after Nerys Blackhand is murdered and the other team members cry she is more concerned and cries over a broken nail. As a result of this the team are really reluctant to take her out to solve crimes as she always seems to get in the way and often replaces vital pieces of investigation kit with her own personal items such as handbags, make-up brushes, shoes, changes of clothes etc.
Due to her lack of experience and the fact that she is so thick the team can no longer cope with her, Father Dylan manages to make her post redundant meaning that as of series three episode five she no longer works for the team. She is later sacked by Dylan (although she somehow thinks this is a sexual term) and is given her final work payment and asked to leave. Although her departure is civil the team are glad to see the back of her. Vanessa is absent from the show for the rest of series three, the whole of series four and five and the first few episodes of series six. She then reappears in series six episode nine while the team are investigating the theft of several motor cars that have left the owners dead. The team are called to say that the police have found one of the stolen cars burnt out on wasteland in part of the Swansea. The team head there and find Vanessa living homeless as a bum inside a cardboard box. She has a reunion with the team and is angry that none of them stayed in touch (although all the team members have an excuse for this) with her. They offer to help her out but after they discover that she is so hard up that she has had to eat things out of bins and is wearing second hand clothing. It later turns out that she holds some vital information to solving the crime and for the first time ever she helps the team catch the bad guys. She then decides to beg for her old job back but there is no longer a position for her (as is made very clear by Lionel Blayney) so she decides to return to her life in the gutter. However Chris Palmer (wanting to get one over on Blayney) rehires her in her old position starting the following Monday. This angers the rest of the team but they don't show it in front of Vanessa whose first response is to go out and spend her first pay check on shoes.
Detective Bertie Packer
- Played by: Brian Blessed - 2010–Present
- First Appearance: 'The Brazilian Job' 5x01
Detective Bertie Packer first appears in the first episode of series five where he is introduced to the team by Father Dylan after he is hired by Paula Evans to replace Detective Mario Wang. Unlike his predecessor, Bertie is older, noisy, obsessed with food and drink (namely alcohol), slightly overweight and annoying but a damn good Detective. He reveals himself to be married with some kids and says that he once took part in a re-enactment of The British Middle Ages (1485) in which he played the part of King Richard IV. He also claims to have been a member of the audience on the satirical BBC show Have I Got News For You, although this is never expanded on or confirmed. He appears to get on well with all the members of the team especially Detective Jack Llwellyn given their ages but the team get annoyed with his habit for shouting stuff at the scene of a crime or when the team are trying to quietly sneak up on their suspect, which often results in the team losing their criminal with comic effect.
PC Ray Stokes
- Played by: Ricky Gervais - 2008–2010, James Cordon - 2010–
- First Appearance: 'Master's Club' 2x06
Ray was previously the manager of some sort of company. He joins the team after Father Dylan decides he needs a lesser successful comedian to play a part in the show. His role is that of police constable to the team. He is seen many times closing off scenes or doing paperwork for Dylan. He is very new to the whole police thing; he spent many a year working in industry until the credit crunch forced him to close his factory. He knows little about the police force and often he cannot believe what is going on. On many occasions he is told what happened to the victim, to which his response/catchphrase is "Are you having a laugh!? Is she/he having a laugh?" The character was based on a man that nobody or very few people liked. To play the part of Ray, Gervais was forced into wearing oversized glasses and a curly black wig to add the "hilarity", despite the fact that it isn't really that funny.
In series three he is apparently killed in the finale, yet the episode and the following 2009 Christmas special are later revealed to be a dream that Father Dylan is having while working the nightshift. He is later seen in series four where he has allowed Sergeant John Sergeant to move in with him to save money and because he is lonely. While playing Twister during an uneventful nightshift in series four episode three Stokes hair appears to fall off. In actuality this is the wig that is worn by Gervais in the role. It was said that he was to leave in fifth series after he is caught messing around with some drugs, yet it has been announced that it is Gervais that is leaving the series and not the character. The producers have now recast the role using another overweight comedian to replaced Gervais. James Cordon has been revealed to be replacing Gervais in the role and the drugs plot will now be used for someone else.
PC Jessica Jones
- Played by: Lesley Manville – 2010–Present
- First Appearance: Shit Happens 4x10
Jessica is set to be an ice queen and is also described as a "bird who cannot smile properly" as her past life is hidden away when she used to work as a market trader in Swansea market. She also has a crazy mum who frequently enters Jessica's office like a drunk. Jessica decided to turn her life around and studied her Physical Education GCSE which gave her the chance to work as a Police Constable. She arrives on the show when the team find that several women have been left naked in laundry baskets on a beach. Dylan brings her into the fray after he discovers that when there has been a female victim, PC Ray Stokes has been posing as a female to confort them. She quickly forms a good friendship with Detective Huw Griffiths although she has confessed to Audrey Portcullis that she would like to take the friendship further as she fancies him, even though he is married. She is constantly annoyed by PC Ray Stokes and his catchphrase "Are you 'aving a laugh?". She is kidnapped by Jack Heartless at the end of series four and almost raped by a drug dealer, but Huw Griffiths protects her. She is later rescued by Father Dylan.
Captain Sophie Ingstad
- Played by: Joanna Page - 2010–Present
- First Appearance: 'The Brazilian Job' 5x01
As a child Sophie grew up in a rich family that wanted her to study law, she disagreed and told her parents she wanted to be a police officer, which resulted in her being thrown out in the gutter. Raised by wolves, she somehow still did her GCSE's and A-Levels in which she got the second highest grade possible, even with attending one of Swansea's failing comprehensive schools. She later joined the police force as a Police Constable (PC) and over the course of a few years worked her way through the force and later joined CO19 (Central Operations Specialist Firearms Command) where she became a captain. She has a habit of being a slag and has many men working beneath her (in both meanings of the expression!). After sleeping with all the male members of CO19 her superiors put in a transfer request as having her around was too distracting to her male colleagues. Paula Evans picks up this transfer request and due to her fire arms experience she hires Sophie as the teams armed support to make sure that bad things like death don't happen. At the end of her first episode she has already flashed Detective Huw Griffiths and shagged Gilly Gristle in the store room. This earns her the branding of "Our resident slag" by Detective Jack Llwellen.
Detective Dafydd Folland
- To be played by: Rob Brydon - 2012–Present
- First Appearance: 'In Grave Danger' 7x02
An ex-soldier who joined the CSI department in the early 1990s as the protégé of Father Dylan Jenkins. While working undercover on a case in Scotland he was taken prisoner. His release will be secured by Paula Evans in either series six or seven whenever the paperwork can be filled out.
Temp. Chief Detective Captain Jack Heartless
- Played by: John WheelBarrowman - 2010, 2011
- First Appearance: 'All Wrapped Up' 4x07
Jack Heartless is a bum bandit and a former captain in the United States Military. After he was sacked for finding Saddam Hussian he spent three series working for a secret British organisation that battles aliens called "Touchwood". After he was bummed by a un-gay alien which fertilised him by placing a bomb in his stomach he left the organisation and joined the Crime Scene Investigation department. In the series four episode "All Wrapped Up" he is introduced to the team as their temporary leader while Father Dylan helps set up CSI operations in Swansea. He forms a friendship with Mario Wang and by the episode "Shit Happens" Heartless and Wang have started a serious gay relationship using sex toys and everything, Dr. Portcullis however becomes worried about Heartless' motives. At the start of the episode "Teenage Wasteland" and Mario are involving each other in role play when they get the call that several teenagers have been found dead.
In "Back, Sack & Crack" Heartless takes then entire team hostage so that they cannot stop his crack cocaine deal with local gangster Carl Caine. He reveals to the team that he is bent in more ways than one, and is punched by Jack Llwellyn, whom Heartless then shoots in the shoulder. When Mario Wang reveals his gay affair with Heartless, Jack dismisses him saying that he used Mario like he did all the men in his life. The drug deal is halted by the return of the teams permanent leader Father Dylan Jenkins, who shoots most of the drug dealers and frees his team. Heartless and Dylan then have a stand-off with Heartless taking a shot at Dylan. Mario Wang dives in front of the Dylan taking the bullet. Dylan then beats Heartless to a bloody pulp before watching a bullet and STD ridden Mario Wang die of his injuries. This distraction gives Heartless enough time to escape on a boat filled with drugs. Some time later the team attend Mario's funeral but are later called away on another case, when they leave Heartless shows up and places a red rose on Mario's grave, telling him that he is sorry for killing him.
Heartless is absent from the show during series five and the majority of series six. He returns at the very end of the first part of the cross-over trilogy with CSI: Luton. When Paula Evans' informant reveals a contact that will help her deal with government conspiracy Paula informs the team and they find him at a gay bar. The informants informant is revealed to be Jack Heartless and the team are shocked when they find him with more than his trousers down. In the second episode of the crossover story the team are shocked to see Heartless. An angry Jack Llewellyn beats Heartless to a bloody pulp and tries to shove a strobe light up his arse but the team stop him. Heartless is then arrested and taken into custody over the murder of Detective Mario Wang and being a drugs maul. Lionel Blayney and Chris Palmer interview Heartless (in a '60s American cop style with lots of lights in a dark room) and he reveals he knows more about the conspiracy the team are investigating from his time in the United States Military. He tells them that if they let him out he can help the team. Lionel Blayney agrees to plead Heartless' case in court for his help solving the conspiracy despite the teams objections. Heartless is then released but to stop him escaping the team ties his leg to Jack Llewellyn's as they don't have a tracking device to attach to Heartless as the department is low on funds. After Jack Llewellyn gets annoyed with having a bandit tied to him the team from Luton manage to find a primitive tracking device and it is attached to Heartless' clothes. Heartless then teams up with Chris Palmer and Clive Appleby to delve further into the conspiracy. In the final part of the cross-over trilogy Heartless helps Palmer and Appleby get the information they need and they set off together to expose the conspiracy to the Queen of England. Meanwhile Heartless is taken with Jack Llewellyn to find Paula Evans' killer. They corner him on the top of the tallest building between Swansea and Luton and as armed police swarm the building the killer jumps off the roof to his death. With everything wrapped up Heartless is taken back into custody by Palmer who drives him to prison. Heartless then begs Palmer to let him go even offering to suck him off but Palmer declines. Heartless then somehow manages to make Palmer crash his car into the Irish Sea and Palmer swims back to shore while Heartless seemingly disappears. Palmer radios for back-up and as helicopters circle the scene of the accident, Heartless is seen to have survived the crash and then removes all his clothes (and thus the tracking tag) and dives naked into the Irish Sea, swimming for freedom.
Heartless' escape is referenced in the first episode of series seven when Lionel Blayney reviews what happened and questions Palmer about the incident. A huge manhunt has also been launched to find Heartless. At the end of the episode Heartless is seen to have made it to Turkey (whether he swam all that way is not stated) where he is involved in more dodgy deals (something to do with selling knocked off Christmas turkeys). In the second episode of series seven a mysterious man (played by Tom Baker) is also seen in Turkey and is trying to track Heartless down. In the third episode of series seven, heartless is involved in a major smuggling operation and is also seen importing asylum seekers into Turkey. The deal goes completely tits up and he is arrested after a tip off to to the police. He ends up being put in a Turkish prison for his crimes with no chance of an appeal. In the fifth episode Heartless is seen to be fighting his way up the prison social ladder to emerge as king of their society. While this is occurring the mysterious man (Tom Baker) is seen to have found out Heartless' location at the prison. Heartless will reappear again at some point in series seven. Speaking of the character Jerry said:
|“||"We intend Heartless to be a recurring villain from series four out. Someone like Blofeld from the Bond films or The Hood from Thunderbirds. That sort of thing,"||”|
Sir Lionel Blayney BSc (Hons)
- Played by: Richard Lynch - 2011–Present
- First Appearance: 'Out There In The Fields' 6x01
Sir Lionel Blayney is a well respected criminologist from Wales. He is first seen in the first episode of series six when it is revealed that he has invested a lot of money in helping the CSI: Swansea department get back on its feet, including rebuilding their base after it exploded at the end of series five. This has meant that most of the money that he has invested has been used up which leads him to confront Chief Detective Chris Palmer after he hires Catrin Kendrick as his secretary when there is no money left to do so. Lionel tells Palmer that he will have to sack Catrin but Palmer tells him that he will pay her wages out of the wages he gets from working four other jobs. Lionel is shown to have a good jokey relationship with the rest of the team making Palmer feel uneasy. When Dr. Audrey Portcullis resigns from the team in series six, Lionel tries to persuade her to stay with the offer of extra work and extra money by helping work at his criminology labs as well as for the team. She declines and when she does leave he goes behind Palmer's back and offers to fast track Gilly Gristle's doctors qualification so that it is ready for the next episode despite the fact that Palmer and Paula Evans have advertised for a replacement for Portcullis. When Vanessa McAyreshire begs for her old job back in series six episode nine he refuses telling her that there is no money for her to have a job and that her old position no longer exists. Despite this Chris Palmer goes behind his back and rehires her out of spite for Lionel hiring Gilly as the teams new doctor without consulting him. After Paula Evans is murdered in the first part of the cross-over at the end of series six, Lionel reveals to the team that he will be their new connection to White Hall, Scotland Yard, the government and the world.
In series seven Lionel is personally overseeing a manhunt for Jack Heartless and is seen to not like Chris Palmer. In the third episode of series seven he files a report of the incident in the series six finale and Paula Evans' death and while doing so he comes across a file on Father Dylan Jenkins. He keeps the file and reviews it later on while looking incredibly shifty. In the fourth episode of series seven Lionel is still reviewing the case notes on Father Dylan and later meets with Jack Llewellyn to find out more about the former department leader.
- Played by: Ella Smith - 2011–Present
- First Appearance: 'Out There In The Fields' 6x01
A welsh postgraduate student from Swansea University, she knew of Chris Palmer when he worked there. She is hired by Palmer on this basis after the "fit, smoking hot, long legged" secretary Palmer wished to hire decided to turn down the job offer because of Palmer's perving. Catrin is seen from the first episode of series six when Palmer introduces her to the team as his new secretary. He states that her jobs will include shuffling his paperwork, dusting and hoovering his office, answering his phone, taking messages, stocktaking and the coffee run. Her hiring leads to a confrontation between Palmer and Lionel Blayney who has supplied the team with the money to get back on their feet after the explosion destroyed the base at the end of series five, this did not however include money for hiring new staff, especially a secretary for Palmer. Lionel tells Palmer to sack her, but in the end Palmer agrees to keep her on and pay her using the money he makes from working four other jobs. Throughout series six she is not seen much, only popping up now and again in scenes set in the teams base. She is often seen as a background character and her biggest storyline to date is her ever growing sexual attraction to Chief Detective Chris Palmer.
- Dafydd Jenkins - 2007–Present: Father Dylan's brother with a wanna military background. He dislikes Dylan's sudden love for god and that it has meant his family have broken down as a result. He sort-of blames Dylan for the death of his father who was shot by armed police while he was robbing a bank, yet he still has love for his brother (not in a gay way). He is married with a wife and one kid of his own and another that his wife took from a playground. He appears at various points in the series showing up to ask advice from his brother or with help for projects like assembling furniture.
- Danny Griffiths - 2007–Present: Often seen in pictures pinned up on Huw Griffith's office wall, but making the odd appearance now and then in the series, Danny is the younger and somewhat dimwitted brother of Huw and is famous for being Swansea's notorious local cattle smuggler. Huw has tried to change his ways but his brother was not interested so Huw is now hell bent on bringing his brother to justice before he retires. As a result Huw often spends his nights on stake-outs around Danny's large manor house in the hope to catch him out. Huw once got close to catching his brother but Danny noticed that he was dressed up as a sheep in a field full of cattle, as such he remains at large.
- "Uncle" Angus McCloud (Played by Tom Jones)- 2007–Present: Angus is a paedophilic crime boss who first appears in the series one episode "A Child's Killing in Wales". He has many gangster connections and likes to be called "uncle" by the children he meets. When Father Dylan found out what he was now calling himself he said "'Uncle Angus?!' Is that what he is calling himself now? The dirty bastard!" He was arrested for the child's killing in Wales in the aforementioned episode but was let go from court when the case collapsed and the evidence was crushed underneath it.
- Carl Caine - 2010–Present: A typical chavish wanna gangster from Swansea, Carl is in the drugs and prostitution business, selling drugs to the local residents and buying them from the US and shipping them into Three Cliffs Bay under the dead of night. Often seen wearing tracksuit bottoms, a baseball cap (turned backward) and a black hoodie, he is also known to wear tracksuit bottoms and a suit jacket when at a business meeting. With a gang of armed followers, Carl is feared by many of the city residents even if he drives a shitty old Ford Capri. He will be introduced in series four.
Gavin Henson appeared in one episode as absolute idiot. Tom Jones appeared as paedophilic crime boss in A Child's Killing in Wales. Rhys Ifans contributed to the series, but in a catering capacity. Everyone's getting a slice of the action — Andrew Sachs appeared in a cameo, he works in a hotel, and gets annoying answerphone messages from two radio presenters for no reason at all.
Detective Berth Woosencraft
- Played by: Eve Myles - 2007
- First Appearance: 'The Pilot - Part One' 1x01
- Last Appearance: 'The Pilot - Part Two' 1x02
Berth was a determined middle aged detective who was once Father Dylan's personal assistant in the office at HQ. She later decided to train as a cop and became a detective working with the rest of the team. For the two episodes she was in she and Father Dylan got very close and a possible romance started to blossom however the producers were worried that the series might become "The Berth & Dylan Show" and they took they took the creative decision to reshoot the second episode and have her killed off. In "The Pilot - Part Two" she manages to find out who really killed the pilot and tracks the culprit to their manor house where she is involved in a fight with the criminal getting the upper hand and placing her head in a George Foreman Grilling Machine which was switched on and very hot (Anyone who says the producers nicked this idea from Spooks can f*** off!!). She dies from the burns she sustained and Father Dylan moved on.
Detective Nerys Blackhand
- Played by: Charlotte Church (Thank God she took the part as it prevented another album) - 2007–2008
- First Appearance: 'The Pilot - Part One' 1x01
- Last Appearance: 'Father Dylan Dies...Or Does He?' 2x13
Blackhand came from the rich side of Swansea, and used her upper social class contacts to gain leads on local drug dealers and pimps. Her privileged upbringing often caused her to be slightly out of touch with the everyday man on the street, and so she was often reserved for cases of similar social stature to hers. She moonlighted on weekends as a City Hall employed garbage collector, to rebel against the oppressive fathering of her mother, the Mayor of Swansea. The character was killed off at the end of series two in the episode 'Father Dylan Dies, Or Does He?' in which the team try and find Father Dylan in a church, irony of ironies Charlotte Church's character is in the church when it blows up killing the character off. According to Charlotte Church (although she was plastered at the time so the information should be taken with a pinch of salt) her character will appear as a ghost to Father Dylan in series five of the show in the lead up to Lee Evans' characters departure. She claimed she is being brought back for the episode as her character was so popular the first time around, but we all know this is bollocks.
Detective Mario Wang
- Played by: Clive Prosser - 2007–2010
- First Appearance: 'The Pilot - Part One' 1x01
- Last Appearance: 'Back, Sack & Crack' 4x13
Mario had the intensity that only a minority sidekick could have. He was the teams pinnacle of cool, positioned on the cutting edge of style and finesse. He unfortunately suffered with Tourettes Syndrome with occasionally hampered his interview technique. As well as this he had a habit for staring directly at people, up close to their faces and for sniffing dead bodies of both male and female victims. He had an incredible knowledge of vintage baseball cards, made even more incredible by the fact that baseball cards aren’t available in the UK. He lived alone (with a dead parrot for company) in his late parents house after a mysterious fire claimed their lives on the night he was cooking chips in a pan. He had a Brad Pitt poster on his wall but reportedly ripped 90% of it down when Pitt married Angelina Jolie, much to Huw Griffith's disappointment who believes Pitt is a decent actor. He claimed to have a million pound inheritance buried somewhere which he was constantly desperate to find, often defacing parts of Swansea in an attempt to find it. In series four he is revealed to be gay when he takes Jack Heartless (Father Dylan's temporary replacement while away) back to his house where the pair decide to embark on a secret gay man relationship. The pair then embark on a gay relationship throughout series four, but keep it a secret from the rest of the team.
In "Lord Of The Rims" he catches an incurable STD from the toilet seat in Heartless' bathroom after staying the night. He then visited his local doctor who told him he would die in a matter of days. Some time after (during the events of "Back, Sack & Crack") the entire team, including Mario are taken hostage by Heartless who reveals that he is a bent officer and that he has arranged a crack cocaine deal with local gangster Carl Caine. To make sure the team don't stop him, he has taken them hostage. A confused Mario reveals their affair and Heartless tells him that he was using Mario as he had done every man before him. Father Dylan then makes a return to Swansea and finds his team in the warehouse and frees them in a gun battle, which ends with a showdown between Heartless and Dylan. Heartless tries to shoot Dylan, but Mario jumps infront of him and takes the bullet. While Heartless makes his get-away on a speedboat full of drugs, Dylan cradles a dying Mario who tells Dylan that he saved his life because he has an STD and would have died anyway. Mario then dies in Dylan's arms with the entire team standing over him. some time later the team attend Mario's funeral. Dylan makes a funny speech in his honour and then the team are called away to stop a man who kills people and takes their faces. After the team leave, Jack Heartless shows up at Mario's grave and lays a rose on it. According to the writers, Mario was written out as they wanted to raise awareness of STIs/STDs. In the first episode of series five Mario appears in flashbacks from his final episode.
Chief Detective Father Dylan Jenkins
- Played by: Lee Evans - 2007–2010, 2011
- First Appearance: 'The Pilot - Part One' 1x01
- Last Appearance: 'The Nut House' 5x04 (Regular), 'For Love, Four Money' 6x07 (Guest)
Former head of the CSI department of Swansea West Police force. Was ordained as a priest before God informed him of his duty to solve crimes in the Swansea area. He has frequent conflicts with his faith, and with his superiors (mainly over securing funding for his unit.) He has a certain air of mystery surrounding him that seems to go hand in hand with heading a CSI unit. He also has an unnerving habit of making witticisms regarding death, murder and other morbid subjects.
|“||We envisioned Jenkins as a riddle wrapped in a mystery surrounded by a puzzle … wearing a mask and a false mustache … shrouded with confusion, by a stranger … ending in a question mark. We first approached Anthony Hopkins, for the part, but he sent the script back to me covered in his own excrement. We were also turned down by John Rhys Davies, Ray Winstone and Timothy Dalton. We were disheartened at first but when a door closes, a window opens. We are now positive we have the right casting in Lee Evans. He brings the grit, and the seriousness needed for a role of this stature.||”|
At the end of series three a finale aired which saw Dylan chasing a serial killer who once worked at a Tesco's supermarket. The episode saw half the cast apparently killed off (this was because Jerry Bruckthingy was leaving the show as head writer and thought the series was ending – which it wasn't – bloody fool!) Anyways Dylan seeks revenge by going after the killer with what little remains of his team. The story concluded in the 2009 Christmas special where it was revealed that the entire story had been a nightmare that Dylan was having during a night shift at HQ. Fearing his dream may come real someday he decided to tell the team that non of them were allowed to die.
In series four Dylan is seen to be getting quite close to Dr. Audrey Portcullis (they are seen to be sat about an inch apart!) and during a stakeout she nearly asks him out but decides against it leaving Dylan disappointed. In the second episode of series four Dylan hires Gilly Gristle as an assistant for Portcullis with the hope that she will spend less time working and more time with him. In episode three he and Portcullis get close once again when Dylan holds a team building exercise with them playing Twister after no crime actually occurs. Here he and Portcullis agree to go out for her birthday at the end of the month. In "All Wrapped Up" Dylan is offered the chance to help set-up CSI operations in Hull by Paula Evans and after much musing on the idea (for the episodes first twenty minutes!) he agrees to go and help, with Captain Jack Heartless being appointed in his absence. He and Portcullis then share a long-winded goodbye as the train pulls away from the station even though Dylan says he will be back in a matter of weeks.
Dylan returns at the end of series four, having successfully set-up operations in Hull. He heads back to the teams base with cheap presents for every member of the team. Upon arriving he finds only Paula Evans, Dr. Audrey Portcullis and Gilly Gristle who have no idea where the rest of the team are. With no clue as to where they are or where they have been taken, Dylan sets out to find them, telling Portcullis that god will send him a sign. Somehow he eventually finds the rest of his team being held captive in a warehouse by Jack Heartless who reveals himself to be a bent officer caught up in a drug deal. Dylan then gains access to the warehouse and takes out several of the dealers and shoots several others. He then frees his team and a stand-off between him and Heartless occurs. Dylan strips Heartless of his position and attempts to arrest him but Heartless fires off a round at Dylan, but the bullet is intercepted by Detective Mario Wang. An angry Dylan then beats Heartless to a bloody pulp before cradling Mario as he dies. Dylan then asks Mario why he saved Dylan over himself and Mario reveals that he would have died anyway from an incurable STD he has caught. Sometime later Dylan says a funny speech at Mario's funeral and then the team are called away on another case. As he walks away from the church, Dr. Audrey Portcullis comforts him and asks if he wants to go for a drink sometime. Dylan proclaims that that would be nice and they walk off into the distance.
Between series four and series five it is revealed that Dylan shared a sexual experience with Dr. Audrey Portcullis but they have since ended their relationship. By the start of the fifth series Dylan has become an emotional wreck, having abandoned his faith as a result of the events of the series four finale. By this point he is a bearded drunk who spends most of his time in gay bars reminiscing about his former colleague Detective Mario Wang. As a result of these actions Dylan starts to become distant from his team and his love Audrey Portcullis often not involving himself in cases because he "cannot be arsed" for example in the episode "In Which We Meet Chris Palmer" he leaves the team to conduct the investigation themselves while he gets smashed. In the fourth episode of series five Dylan and the team investigate a murder and one of the suspects turns out to be a unhinged man that threatened Dylan years before when he was a priest. The team try and persuade Dylan to go into a safe house but he refuses and then during a fight scene he disappears. At the end of the episode he meets with Jack Llwellyn outside the teams regular drinking hole and tells him that he is going away for a while to regain his faith. In the following episode Dr. Audrey Portcullis gets a letter from Dylan in which he states that he has joined the Circus.
Father Dylan makes a cameo role in the series six episode 'For Love, Four Money' when Audrey Portcullis tracks him down to a pottery making class. Dylan tells her that he had an act at a travelling circus called "One Sweaty Monkey" (apparently a reference to show star Lee Evans) but was left behind when the circus moved on. He took up the pottery course as something calm to do which he hopes will regain his faith in humanity. The pair then declare their love for each other in a scene similar to the pottery scene from the film Ghost. They vow never to be alone again and while covered in wet clay they make out as the class watches on and the episode ends. Father Dylan is referenced in series seven when Lionel Blayney comes across a staff file about him in a store room. Mysteriously interested in Dylan, Lionel keeps the file and looks at some of the details in it later while looking quite shifty.
Sergeant John Sergeant
- Played by: John Sergeant - 2009–2010
- First Appearance: 'Everything Must Go' 3x02
- Last Appearance: 'Smoke On The Aorta' 5x13
A straight talking, no nonsense police Sergeant, John spent many years in politics before becoming a police sergeant. He was forced to resign from his political post after he was caught putting dancing lessons on his expenses. To give something back to the taxpayer he joins the police force and works his way through the ranks until he is made sergeant. He is then transferred to the CSI: Swansea team during the series three episode 'Everything Must Go' to take charge of the uniformed police officers. Somewhat old fashioned, he had a boring passion for reading, history and various forms of dancing with break dancing being his limit. He was a loyal member of the team and a hardworking individual despite the fact that his weight caused him to move slowly which sometimes hampered him from catching some of the more athletic suspects. He was prone to breaking out in sweats when chasing suspects over long distances (which is ironic as co-star Lee Evans is usually the one wetter than a Majorcan minge!) and for his liking of Russian women.
During the events of series three John is seen now and again at the scene of the crimes where he has his police constable, PC Ray Stokes, stand around trying to look busy. In the series three finale and the subsequent Christmas special all of the team members appear to be killed including John yet the Christmas special reveals this whole ridiculous storyline to be a dream by Father Dylan Jenkins and John and the rest of the team are in fact still alive. In the series four opening episode 'She's Faking It' John is accused of GBH and Sexual Harassment after he uses one of his very unorthodox methods of policing to drag a female suspect across the floor of the teams operations room and into the cells which resulted in the suspect getting carpet burn. Luckily he is cleared of all charges after a backhander to the judge from Father Dylan. In the series four episode 'One Quiet Night' the team play twister when nothing happens during the night shift. During the game John tries to put his break dancing moves to the test but ends up causing Jack Llwellyn to put his back out by crushing his spine with his weight. John then starts dating a classy Russian ballroom dancer but they split up when she sees John naked. With his self-esteem lowered John goes to see his sister Jo Sergeant (played by Jo Brand) for reassurance. Jo then appears recurringly throughout the four and fifth series where she tries to help John get another date, most of the attempts fail.
In the episode 'One Way' John and PC Ray Stokes have difficulty cordoning off a one-way street (the couldn't decide which way the traffic was supposed to go!) as a result there is a massive pile-up of traffic as well as the already present murder scene. When he cannot afford his rent in the episode 'Shit Happens' he moves in with his colleague PC Ray Stokes, although nothing gay happens. In the same episode several naked women are found in laundry baskets on a beach and when taken back to HQ John is told by Jack Heartless to make sure the women are interviewed. He does so but then finds out that whenever there has been a female victim to a crime that needs interviewing PC Ray Stokes has been dressing up as a lady to interview them. As a result John requests a female police constable be hired and as a result PC Jessica Jones is brought onto the team. At the end of the episode 'Lord Of The Rims', John is kidnapped along with the rest of the team, by Heartless. As he is leaving his dancing classes he is forced into the back of a transit van. Due to his large weight it takes four "heavies" to get him into the van. In the following episode 'Back, Sack & Crack' the team are being held in a warehouse by Heartless while a drug deal is taking place. John and the rest of the team are later rescued by Father Dylan Jenkins. John then reveals that while he was being held in the warehouse he should have been on a hot date. He meets with the women and blames his lateness on his weight slowing him down, eventually she forgives him and he takes her out on a date to a political rally.
In series five John is single once more as women he was seen dating at the end of series four apparently walked out in front of a bus while he was on one of his boring political rants, as a result he and PC Ray Stokes spend most of their evenings in watching repeats of Strictly Come Dancing and eating microwave meals. They end up being dubbed "The Odd Couple" by the colleques. At the end of 'Fahrenheit: Minus 21 Degrees' the pair decide to go out on the pull at the local clubs and bars but their outdated humour and chat-up lines see them alone once more. Looking for some fun and something that will make them appear cool, John and Stokes take some of the crystal meth left over by gangster Carl Caine at the end of 'The Drugernaut' and start to take it. They soon become hooked on the drug and take more and more of it from the evidence room at HQ. By the episode 'Bummer Of 69 Richardson Road' John and Stokes have stockpiled so much meth that they are risking their jobs and their health. They decide to kick the addiction and get rid of all of the drugs, unfortunately the stockpile is discovered by Paula Evans and Chief Detective Chris Palmer in the following episode 'The Whole Truth & Nothing But The Tooth' and both of them are stripped of their positions and are sent home by Chris Palmer to think about what they have done. Paula Evans calls both John and Stokes into HQ during 'Leave Out All The Meths' to talk about what they have done. While this is occurring Palmer and the rest of the team arrest an attempted suicide bomber from blowing up a shopping centre and bring him back to base. The bomber then reveals that he works for gangster Carl Caine who has set this elaborate plotline up to get the his stolen crystal meth back. The bomber then explodes along with the teams base which is left in ruins. Many of the criminal scum that were in the cells then escape along with Carl Caine who gets his meths back. The team then escape from the rubble of their base and help free the trapped which includes John who is trapped under the rubble. He is freed and the able bodied members of the team then go about re-capturing the escaped convicts while John is taken to the local hospital by Dr. Audrey Portculis and Mortician Gilly Gristle to check on his health. They discover that he has smoke trapped in his aorta so they try and save him but despite their best efforts he dies. His funeral is then held straight away with an extra large coffin having to be made due to his weight.
Dr. Audrey Portcullis
- Played by: Ruth Madoc - 2007–2011
- First Appearance: 'The Pilot - Part One' 1x01
- Last Appearance: "For Love, Four Money" 6x07
Dr. Portcullis is the Forensic Pathologist for the team, specialist in autopsying the dead. She is a feisty, vivacious woman, whose sarcastic jibes often have the team “in stitches”. She has a latent, overt sexuality, that no-one would expect of a women who works in the morgue. She and Dylan frequently have “moments”, causing Dylan to question his devotion to God. The most recent of these occurred at the celebration of her 61st Birthday. In the first episode of series four, Dylan and Portcullis go on a stake-out at a couples house to catch a woman who her husband believes is faking her orgasms. While watching carefully, Portcullis almost asks Father Dylan out on a date, but decides against it. In series four episode two Dylan hires the troubled Gilly Gristle as an assistant for Portcullis so she can do less work and spend more time with him. She and Dylan get close once again during series four episode three when they join the rest of the team playing Twister when no crime occurs during the night shift. At the end of the episode Portcullis asks if Dylan would like to go for a meal with her for her birthday, Dylan agrees.
In the series four episode "All Wrapped Up" she shares a long winded goodbye with Father Dylan who is going to help set up CSI operations in Hull. He tells her he will be back in a matter of weeks, but in the meantime to watch over his team. During Dylan's absence Portcullis becomes suspicious of Captain Jack Heartless, telling Mario Wang to watch his back, not realising that they are both bum bandits. She, along with Paula Evan's and Gilly Gristle are the only members of the team not to be kidnapped by Heartless in the series four finale. After Detective Mario Wang's death, she reveals that she suspected he was gay. She is seen comforting Father Dylan at Mario's funeral. Between series four and five she and Father Dylan embark on a sexual relationship but this ends when Dylan refuses to shave and starts drinking heavily to cover his guilt of Mario Wang's death. By series five she tries to help him regain his faith but Dylan cannot be bothered to do so. Dylan later disappears and then leaves Swansea and his team leaving Audrey confused and upset. In "The Drugernaut" she gets a letter from Dylan in which he states that he had to get away from the terrible things that happened in Swansea and that as a result he has joined a travelling circus. She then vows to get over her love for him and move on. To do so she joins an all women's group where they do knitting and talk about books they have read but she discovers that one of the other women there fancies her so she leaves. At the end of series five both she and Gilly Gristle try and save Sergeant John Sergeant after the teams base blows up and he is injured but they don't succeed.
By the start of series six Portcullis is dating a man with a giant forehead. Chris Palmer mocks her for this and after a dreadful date in which Palmer shows up and asks her date if he can balance a chair on his forehead they split up and she tells Palmer that the only person she ever loved was Father Dylan. With the help of Jack Llwellyn she tries to track Father Dylan down as Llwellyn owed her after she didn't tell the team about Jack biting off a gay mans penis in series five. In the episode 'Little Dead Riding Hood' she is sent undercover with PC Jessica Jones to catch a rapist but she ends up in danger when she is cornered by the rapist and he unzips her jacket.... Luckily for her Jack Llwellyn shows up and blows the rapists brains out before he could hurt her. At the start of the following episode she goes to see Chris Palmer and resigns and sets out to find Father Dylan. At the end of the episode she manages to track him down to a pottery class where he is learning to make pots as a way of keeping calm and regaining his faith. They share a "moment" similar to the pottery wheel scene from the film Ghost and vow to never leave each other again. The episode then ends with them covered in wet clay and making out as the pottery class watch on...
- Played by: Dawn French – 2007–2011
- First Appearance: 'The Pilot - Part Two' 1x02
- Last Appearance: 'A Trilogy Of Errors - Part One' 6x11
Paula first appears in the second episode of the series called "The Pilot - Part Two" where she meets Dylan and the rest of the team at the funeral of Detective Birth. It is revealed a few episodes later that she is the team’s connection to Whitehall, The Prime Minister and the other CSI departments across the globe. She is very fat, apart from that little else is known about her. She reappears throughout the first three series and makes a full time appearance in the series four episode "All Wrapped Up" in which she meets Father Dylan to offer him the chance to help set up operations in Hull, which he later accepts. In his absence she appoints Captain Jack Heartless to head-up the team. In the first part of the series six cross-over trilogy with CSI: Luton Paula brings the two teams together to work on a case after government officials from different parts of the UK are found dead. She believes there is a government conspiracy at work and informs the teams of this. Her informant confirms this and gives her another contact that she can get in touch with. To celebrate that she was right about there being a conspiracy she goes out and buys a Terry's Chocolate Orange and scoffs it in three mouthfuls. Later while she is filling the teams in she drops down dead. Gilly Gristle performs a post mortem on her body and they discover she ate a tainted chocolate orange that someone had poisoned, presumably because she discovered the conspiracy.
Dawn French was cast in the role as the producers liked her carefree attitude and because she is of a greater weight than the rest of the cast and they did not want to offend fat people. On the release of the first series on DVD Jerry Bruckheimer states that his reason for casting her is that Dawn has not had a decent gig since the original "French & Saunders".
Series 1 - 2005
|Episode Number||Episode Title||Written By||Airdate (UK)||Short Summary||Number of Viewers|
|1||The Pilot – Part One||Jerry Bruckheimer||11 March 2005||Ironically the victim is a pilot found after a run-in with a moving propeller, however; only part of him is found But was it an accident?
First Appearance of Chief Detective Father Dylan Jenkins, Dr. Audrey Portcullis, Detective Huw Griffiths, Detective Mario Wang, Detective Jack Llewellyn, Detective Nerys Blackhand, Detective Berth Woosencraft & Detective Vanessa McAyreshire
|1.5 Million Viewers|
|2||The Pilot – Part Two||Jerry Bruckheimer||18 March 2005||Continuing the previous story, the team find the other part of the pilot and continue to investigate the case. But was it an accident?
First Appearance of Paula Evans
Last Appearance of Detective Berth Woosencraft
|34 Million Viewers|
|3||How Red is My Valley?||Alan Woods||25 March 2005||A sous chef is found in a bloody gut-pile at the bottom of a traditional Welsh Valley. But was it an accident?||10 Million Viewers (ITV was showing a usually shit ITV drama when this episode aired)|
|4||Die Dai Die||Ivor Allchurch||1 April 2005||A man is found impaled on one of Swansea’s famed Three Cliffs. But was it an accident?||200,000 Viewers (X Factor was on)|
|5||The Implausible Link||Keith Allen||8 April 2005||A thrilling pair of cases that require link ups with CSI departments across the Atlantic. But is it an accident?||1.2 Million Viewers|
|6||The Porn Ultimatum||Kingsley Amis||15 April 2005||A porn shop starts to attract the wrong crowd in Swansea, and a protest breaks out into a fight leading to the death of someone’s cat. But was it an accident?||Everyone in the UK|
|7||A Child’s Killing in Wales||Jimmy Austin||22 April 2005||A child is found dead in a playground. But was it an accident?||2 Million Viewers|
|8||Skin Town||Mary Balogh||29 April 2005||A woman is found dead, flayed to the bone. But was it an accident?||2.2 Million Viewers|
|9||A Case Re-opened||Rob Brydon||6 May 2005||A child finds a briefcase in a shop and hands it to the team. Inside is a shit load of cash and a gun. Dylan sees the connection to a similar case back in the 1960s – even though he was not alive then – and decides to investigate. But was it an accident?||9.9 Million Viewers|
|10||The Wettest Story Ever Told||Nicole Cooke||13 May 2005||The team work on case that involves the Swansea Bay barrage and a group of hoodies who are working for a gang that wants to blow up the barrage flooding part of Swansea in order to look 'Well 'ard' to another group of hoodies. But was it an accident?||Not a lot of Viewers!|
|11||The Englishman Who Went Up a Hill, But Came Down … Dead||John Charles||20 May 2005||A man is found dead, alongside a revolver with his ex-wife’s fingerprints on it. But was it an accident?||2.9 Million Welsh Viewers and 1 Insulted Englishman|
|12||One To Go||Mel Charles||27 May 2005||While waiting in Starbucks for a take-away coffee, Detective Jack Llewellyn is taken hostage when a gang breaks in and shoots half the unknown cast dead leaving Llewellyn the only one alive. But was it an accident?||Whoever could be bothered to watch|
|13||2007 Christmas Special: The CodFather||Jerry Bruckheimer||23 December 2005||The team take a break from trying to solve the case they were conducting at the end of the First Series and go out, where they meet a pair of failing gay comedians who own a chip shop where there have been murders for days despite the fact that the shop is open at all times. In addition; the murders are destroying the owners civil partnership. While the team investigates the murders, the failing comedians say cheap puns like: I Bet They Got Battered||1 Million Viewers|
Series 2 - 2006
|Episode Number||Episode Title||Written By||Original Airdate (UK)||Short Summary||Number of Viewers|
|14||Dead Of Heaven – Part One||Jerry Bruckheimer||10 March 2006||Three religious studies students are found dead in their dorms, with a blood stained dagger and a confession in their communal kitchen, signed by their previously convicted cleaner. But was it an accident?||666 Insane People|
|15||Dead Of Heaven – Part Two||Jerry Bruckheimer||17 March 2006||The team still can't work out how those students died and the confession is mistaken for a recipe for revenge||6,666,666 Mental People|
|16||M&S: Murder & Shopping||Alan Woods||24 March 2006||A man caught on CCTV kills people as he does his weekly shop. But is it an accident? Did those tins of beans just come to life?
* Guest Starring: Anthony Hopkins as the killer
|1,234,567 Million Viewers|
|17||Ashes To Ashes - Bust To Bust||Chris Coleman||31 March 2006||The team are called in to investigate when at their parents funeral a brother and sister have a bust up in which the sister claims the brother could get his hands on their parents money as he was near broke due to the credit crunch. But was it an accident?||1 Viewer, everyone else had something better to do!|
|18||CSI: SwanMi||Jerry Bruckheimer||7 April 2006||CSI Miami come to Swansea to experience the tropical weather while solving a crime about the murder of a corner shop owner who got a Pringles tube rammed up his arse when he fell from a gunshot wound. But is it an accident?
* Guest Starring: The cast of CSI: Miami. The ones that could be arsed to fly to Swansea to film
|19||The Lion, The Witch & the Whoredrobe||Alan Woods||14 April 2006||The team leads a raid on one of Swansea's brothels and discover at least 12 prostitutes tied up and gagged in an IKEA wardrobe. It turns out that they are being exploited by their bosses who are nicknamed 'The Lion' and 'The Witch' who let clients rape them. But was it an accident?||Every man in the UK|
|20||Masters Club||Robert Croft||21 April 2006||The team meets the owner of a new club, his name is Master Bates. The team decides to work for him on his special operations forgetting they are officers of the law. But was it an accident?
* Guest Starring: Hugh Hefner) as Master Bates
First appearance of PC Ray Stokes
|21||Terror Wrist||Nick Wire||28 April 2006||On a new housing development, construction workers find a severed wrist which is holding an armed detonator. Dylan meanwhile drives around Swansea for 40-odd minutes trying to find out whom the arm belongs to and if there is a bomb. But was it an accident?||4220.127.116.112 Viewers|
|22||The Bay - Part One||Chris Coleman||5 May 2006||A dead man is washed up on the bay of Swansea and the team goes across the world looking for the killer with no leads. But was it an accident?||1,000,000 Viewers|
|23||The Bay - Part Two||Chris Coleman &Lisa Lee Dark||12 May 2006||They still haven't found the killer. But was it an accident?||999,999.99 Viewers|
|24||The Bay - Part Three||Mervyn Davies||19 May 2006||The team discover from an autopsy the man died of drowning. Three pointless episodes and a sky high budget for nothing. But was it an accident?||999,999.98 Viewers|
|25||You've Been Framed||Mike Gibbins & Someone else||26 May 2006||A picture frame shop owner is arrested by Swansea police for the murder of a teenager. The shop owner claims he is innocent and asks for the teams help to prove it. Father Dylan and the gang rattle off some cheap puns like: "Hey mate, you've been framed" and "Ha-ha just kidding mate. God you should have seen your face then, it was a right picture!" But was it an accident?||10 Million Viewers|
|26||I Canoe It||James Henry Govier||2 June 2006||Father Dylan and the team are investigating a case which has a connection to a case from 5 years ago when a man apparently died in a canoeing accident, yet what they discover is that he didn't actually die. But was it an accident?||Everyone apart from that bloke that disappeared in a canoeing accident|
|27||Father Dylan Dies, Or Does He?||Jerry Bruckheimer||9 June 2006||After the disappearance of their boss and an explosion at a church, the team are not sure if Father Dylan dies. Let the investigations begin!
Last appearance of Detective Nerys Blackhand
|28||2006 Christmas Special: The Break-in Benders||Jerry Bruckheimer||22 December 2006||The team investigate a string of break-ins which have resulted in peoples Xmas presents going missing. They track the culprits down (who are gay) and let them go in exchange for a bribe: all the presents that were stolen. The team agree and then return the presents in time for Christmas lunch which ends up burnt after someone leaves in the oven too long, as a result they all go out for a KFC.
Guest Stars: David Tennent: As The Tenth Doctor, Tony Blair: As Middle East Envoy, Simon Pegg: As a washing line in the background when the woman who is being interviewed is hanging out clothes, Paul O' Grady: As the camp guy that owns the club the team go into, James May: As the bloke on the pushbike, Russell Howard: As Russell Brand as himself with a better hairstyle despite the fact that it was a wig, Jonathan: As Jonathan Ross as himself, Unknown Teen: As the teenager who swears at the cameras when the actors were being filmed. He was arrested shortly after filming
Series 3 - 2007
|Episode Number||Episode Title||Written By||Original Airdate (UK)||Short Summary||Number of Viewers|
|29||After All We Have Been Through||Jerry Bruckheimer||23 March 2007||One of those episodes where everyone sits down either in their office, or in a pub or in a house drinking an alcoholic drink and chats about their previous adventures. In other words it will merely be a way to milk the series and make as much money as possible by showing us flashbacks of things we have seen before. But was it an accident?||2,500,000 Viewers|
|30||Everything Must Go||Nick Wire & Alan Woods||30 March 2007||A woman enters a branch of Woolworths where she kills everyone and takes all the stock. She then repeats the same to all the other stores nationwide and as a result of Woolworths having no staff or stock left they are forced to close. But was it an accident?
* Guest Starring: Barry from EastEnders as a till operator
First Appearance of Sergeant John Sergeant
|31||How To Get A Head In Business||Lisa Lee Dark||6 April 2007||The team are called to a newly opened company on the Swansea industrial site where a postman has delivered a severed head in a box to the manager, who claims a rival company may have sent it. But was it an accident?||2,499,997 Viewers|
|32||The Wine-ing||Mary Balogh||13 April 2007||The team become concerned when large numbers of teenagers are omitted to hospital to have their stomachs pumped, while some of the worst die. Autopsies reveal that they have died due to drinking a deadly cocktail of homebrew. But was it an accident?||2,499,996 Viewers|
|33||Wrongfully Accused? Or Was He? Part One||Mike Gibbins & Sean Mathias||20 April 2007||An actor who had previously accused of killing someone who is not named in the episode or shown is released due to a lack of evidence, but when more bodies start piling up the team re-open the case to discover whether the man was wrongfully accused as he claims or to see if he is putting on an act. But was it an accident?
Last appearance of Detective Vanessa McAyreshire
|34||Wrongfully Accused? Or Was He? Part Two||Sean Mathias & John Hartson||27 April 2007||After spending the first twenty minutes recapping the events of the previous episode the team continue to discover if the man was wrongfully accused or if he is lying. It then drags on for absolutely ages until the last five minutes when one team member finds the evidence in the waste bin which has not been emptied.||999.99 Viewers|
|35||James Die-Son||Nicole Cooke||4 May 2007||The remains of a man called James are found in an elderly mans vacuum cleaner. The team cannot work out where the man was trying to clean the device and got stuck inside causing him to split into several pieces or whether his father. But was it an accident?||1 Million Viewers & 31,000 complaints|
|36||They Were Dead in the Bed||Paul Moriarty||11 May 2007||A couple on their honeymoon with their 15 year old son who is three years younger than the mother are all found murdered in their bridal bed. But was it an accident?||27.6 Million|
|37||The Sound of Bleeding Eardrums||Ian Hislop||18 May 2007||Several people are found dead and autopsies reveal their ear drums had burst, the shock of which all led to their deaths. There is then a race against time to find the culprit who turns out to be a noisy television presenter who is later caught and given a 20% pay cut by the BBC. But was it an accident?
* Guest Starring: Brian Blessed as the noisy TV Presenter
|38||Derby Murdering Scum||Colin Jones||25 May 2007||A Swansea fan is murdered at a game between Swansea and Cardiff. He is found dead lying forward with a Cardiff fans flag waving out of his ass, because of this the team want revenge on the murderer. But was it an accident?||15.3.8 Viewers|
|39||Father, Brother, Mother?||Tony Lewis||1 June 2007||The team’s leadership is put to the test when Father Dylan's brother turns up in Swansea asking for help with a DIY project, leaving the rest of the team to solve the case of a girl who claims her mother abused her. But was it an accident?||Not Many|
|40||The KFC Killer||Iris Gower||8 June 2007||The team are trying to catch a man who poisoned a bloke’s bargain bucket and urinated in his coke. But was it an accident?||10 Viewers|
|41||The End of Series Finale Where Nothing Happens Until Right At The Very End||Jerry Bruckheimer||15 June 2007||A lengthy finale in which the team try to track down a cereal killer after supermarkets come under attack. Towards the end there is a car chase around Swansea's one-way system ending in a massive fireball as one of the cars plows into a tanker which is conveniently placed in the middle of the road. But was it an accident?
* Guest Starring: That bloke who was in The Bill, Then left to join Corrie for a while before he played a mute in Silent Witness
|6.4 Million Viewers|
|42||2007 Christmas Special: The Wet Dream||Jerry Bruckheimer||21 December 2007||Most of this episode will be taken up by all the remaining cast crying over the beds of the dead or dying colleagues, which is pointless as it is later revealed this entire story will be a wet dream as Father Dylan wakes up in bed next to his wife who knows nothing about the events of this story -In short, a bit like that Dallas episode.
Guest Stars: Barry from Eastenders: As a paperboy, Harold from the Halifax: As bloke in papershop, Ray Charles: As ballet teacher, Ross Kemp and that other bloke that plays his brother: As Phil and Grant Mitchell as the bald blokes in the pub who look at the the team in an evil way, Julie Graham: As the women who appears in every BBC drama, Catherine Tate: As the main cast members wife who is not bothered that her husband has just had a wet dream, Gordon Brown: As the bloke who gets punched in the Pub
|10 Million & 1 Viewers|
Series 4 - 2008
|Episode Number||Episode Title||Written By||Original Airdate (UK)||Short Summary||Number of Viewers|
|43||She’s Faking It||Lisa Lee Dark||21 March 2008||A husband accuses his wife of faking her orgasms so the team go in to investigate.||90 Million Viewers|
|44||Bash & Curry||Jimmy Austin||28 March 2008||One of Swansea’s famous Curry Houses is under an investigation after a family find human remains in the Chicken Ticka Curry. But was it an accident?
First appearance of Mortician Gilly Gristle
|90 Million Viewers|
|45||One Quiet Night||Alan Woods||4 April 2008||The team play twister after nothing happens during the night shift. But was it an accident?||3.891 Million Viewers|
|46||A Slippery Assignment||James Henry Govier||11 April 2008||A teenager is found dead in a back alley with a head wound after slipping on a banana skin. But was it an accident?||Not Enough Viewers|
|47||The Father Did It||John Charles & Chris Coleman||18 April 2008||A traditional Swansea family is found murdered at their home. But was it an accident||88 Million Viewers|
|48||Murder At The Manor||Colin Jones||25 April 2008||The team investigate when a man is found dead at a manor house. But was it an accident? Meanwhile, PC Ray Stokes goes out of his way to find someone’s stolen Dominoes pizza||26 Million Viewers|
|49||All Wrapped Up||Robert Croft||2 May 2008||The body of someone is found inside their wrapped birthday presents — but was it an accident?
First appearance of Chief Detective Captain Jack Heartless
Temporary departure of Chief Detective Father Dylan Jenkins
|Everybody that loves John WheelBarrowman|
|50||One Way||Nicole Cooke||9 May 2008||The team are called to the scene of a car crash where the victim is smashed against the oil pan of the car while travelling down a one-way street. But was it an accident?||82 Million Viewers|
|51||Shit Happens||Alan Woods & Paul Moriarty||16 May 2008||The team are called in to investigate when a group of gorgeous fashion models are found naked and unconscious in laundry baskets on a beach. But was it an accident? Parental Advisory recommended — contains the naked top half of a woman.
First appearance of PC Jessica Jones
|15 Million Viewers|
|52||Athletes Foot||Nick Wire||23 May 2008||The team deal with the Pedestrianisation of Swansea city centre which has resulted in the attempted murder of an athlete, whom happens to be one of the people against the scheme.
* Guest Starring: Alan Partridge as the bloke discussing the Pedestrianisation of the city centre
|26 Millon Viewers|
|53||Teenage Wasteland||Iris Gower||30 May 2008||Three teenagers are found dead on wasteland after a drinking binge. But was it an accident?||26 Million Viewers|
|54||Lord Of The Rims (Part One of Two)||Mary Balogh||6 June 2008||Mario Wang catches incurable Chlamydia from the toilet seat in Heartless' flat and is told by his GP that he is going to die. Meanwhile; the team investigates whent the local police station has its toilets nicked, leaving officers with nothing to go on. But was it an accident?||99 Million Viewers|
|55||Back, Sack & Crack (Part Two of Two)||Robert Croft & Nick Wire||13 June 2008||Heartless reveals to the team that he is bent in more ways than one after he has kidnapped them, holding them hostage in an abandoned warehouse so that they cannot stop his drug deal with gangster Carl Caine from taking place. Meanwhile; Dylan returns to Swansea and discovers that his team have been taken hostage. With no idea where they are he sets out to find them before something terrible happens, and obviously something terrible does happen. But was it an accident?
First appearance of Gangster Carl Caine & return of Chief Detective Father Dylan Jenkins
Last appearance of Detective Mario Wang
|Too Many Viewers|
Series 5 - 2009
|Episode Number||Episode Title||Written By||Original Airdate (UK)||Short Summary||Number of Viewers|
|56||The Brazilian Job||Lisa Lee Dark||20 March 2009||A bikini waxing goes wrong and a woman dies, meanwhile the team get used to working with Mario Wang's loud replacement Detective Bertie Packer. But was it an accident?
First Appearance of Detective Bertie Packer & Captain Sophie Ingstad
|12.6 Million Viewers|
|57||Fahrenhiet: Minus 21 Degrees||Nicole Cooke||27 March 2009||At a butchers shop, the owner is found locked in his freezer — an action which led to his death. But was it an accident?||12.6 Million Viewers|
|58||In Which We Meet Chris Palmer||Alan Woods & Chris Coleman||3 April 2009||A series of murders from the early 1980s comes back to haunt the team when a copycat murder takes place. Dylan sends the team to investigate at a haunted house where the most recent murder has occurred as he cannot be bothered. While there the rest of the team meet a science expert and lecturer at the local university — Chris Palmer. But was it an accident?
First Appearance of Chris Palmer
|56 Million Viewers|
|59||The Nut House||Robert Croft||10 April 2009||At one of Swanseas many "Nut Houses" where a killing spree has taken place. Dylan realises that the man responsible is the same man who tried to kill him on 17th June 1997. Thinking that this may be another attempt to kill Dylan the team try and make him go and live at a safe house, yet during a fight, Dylan mysteriously disappears. But was it an accident?
Last Appearance of Chief Detective Father Dylan Jenkins
|76 Million Viewers|
|60||The Drugernaut||Iris Gower||17 April 2009||Carl Caine's unstoppable gang of drug dealers invade part of Swansea selling their "poison" while the team are in dire straights in the wake of Dylan's mysterious disappearance leading to Paula Evans to hire and promote Chris Palmer to Chief Detective. Meanwhile; Sergeant John Sergeant and PC Ray Stokes come across a statch of Crystal Meth. But was it an accident?||4.29 Million Viewers|
|61||One Finger, One Thumb Don't Move||Sean Mathias||24 April 2009||A man cuts his hands off with hedge trimmers. But was it an accident?||18.1234 Million Viewers|
|62||Press "M" For Murderousness||Tony Lewis & Alan Woods||1 May 2009||At a local Travelodge a guest has been found folded neatly within the trouser press in the room he was staying. But was it an accident?||666 Million Viewers|
|63||Class Of 2009||Iris Gower||8 May 2009||The team are called to a school in Swansea after a class clown is found drowned in a toilet. The team discover that the list of potential suspects is never ending as the child bullied a lot of people including several staff members. With a group of potential suspects suspected the team head to arrest them only for the school to go into lock down when several hooded individuals show up with swords leaving Chris Palmer to try and save the day, only to end up being stabbed. But was it an accident?||1 Million Viewers|
|64||The Scary Monsters & The Super Creep||Jimmy Austin||15 May 2009||As Halloween descends on Swansea the team get reports of people going missing off the streets and of strange noises and sights in and around an abandoned factory, the team investigate and discover a crazy former science teacher trying to bring his dead wife back to life using dead body parts he has stolen from late ni9ght clubbers. But was it an accident?||99.9 Million Viewers|
|65||Bummer Of 69 Richardson Road||Mike Gibbins||22 May 2009||A gay man is living at 69 Richardson Road is accused of kidnapping several women that have gone missing, meanwhile Sergeant John Sergeant and PC Ray Stokes try to dispose of the Crystal Meth they have been stockpiling. But was it an accident?||18.104.22.168 Million Viewers|
|66||The Whole Truth And Nothing But The Tooth||Robert Croft||29 May 2009||Paula Evans and Chief Detective Chris Palmer discover the statch of Crystal Meth that Sergeant John Sergeant and PC Ray Stokes have been hiding and suspend them from duty, leaving the remaining members of the team to investigate when a patient is found dead in the operating chair at her local dentist. But was it an accident?||23 Million Viewers|
|67||Leave Out All The Meths (Part One of Two)||Sean Mathias||5 June 2009||Carl Caine is back in town wanting the meths that were stolen from his gang back in "The Drugernaut". To get them back he sends a suicide bomber into a shopping centre in order to get arrested so that the bomber can blow up the teams base for Carl to gain access to the drugs. But was it an accident? Last appearance of Ricky Gervais as PC Ray Stokes.||2 Viewers|
|68||Smoke On The Aorta (Part Two of Two)||Alan Woods & Mike Gibbens||12 June 2009||With the teams base in ruins and escaped criminals all over the city the team are forced to split up to re-arrest the escapees, while Palmer and Jack Llwellen go after Carl and drugs. At the local Accident & Emergency Gilly Gristle and Audrey Portcullis try their best to save the life of Sergeant John Sergeant who has some smoke from the explosion trapped in his aorta, however they fail. But was it an accident? First appearance of James Cordon as PC Ray Stokes.
Last appearance of Sergeant John Sergeant
|69||2010 Christmas Special: Close Encounters Of The Germ Kind||Robert Croft||18 December 2009||With their base destroyed the team temporarily move into an office block to do their work while investigating a case involving some terrorists who plan to detonate a germ bomb at a local car-boot sale, infecting the health of hundreds. But was it an accident?
Guest Stars: David Tennant as terrorist leader, Lorne Spicer as car boot sale organiser, Barry from EastEnders as person mingling in the crowd, Ross Kemp as the bloke that helps the terrorists make the bomb and David Jason as stall holder.
Series 6 - 2010
The conclusion to series six forms part of a three-part special cross-over story with the CSI: Luton department. The three episodes were shown from the Swansea teams point of view:
|Episode Number||Episode Title||Written By||Original Airdate (UK)||Short Summary||Number of Viewers|
|70||Out There In The Fields||Nick Wire & Robert Croft||12 March 2010||After arresting a local blagger, Palmer is forced to do a deal with the criminal to gain information and bring down a cattle smuggling ring. With his new found information, Palmer and Huw dress up as cattle to stop the racket in which Huw's estranged brother Danny is taking part. But was it an accident?
First Appearance of Sir Lionel Blayney BSc (Hons) and Catrin Kendrick
|6 Million Viewers|
|71||The Forrest Dump||Iris Gower||19 March 2010||The team are called in to investigate when a young mother finds a stack of porn magazines and used condoms dumped in the forest along with a dead body. But was it an accident?||4.7 Million Viewers|
|72||How Stella Got Her Tube Packed||Lisa Lee Dark||26 March 2010||When an autopsy on the body of a dead woman who was found in a a skip reveals that she died from having a backstreet abortion the team try and track down the person responsible. But was it an accident?||12.9 Million Viewers|
|73||The Faceless One||Sean Mathias||2 April 2010||After a hard days work a local shopkeeper locks up for the night, only to find a dead body without a face within his storeroom. But was it an accident?||7.4 Million Viewers|
|74||Diagnosis Death||Chris Coleman & Jimmy Austin||9 April 2010||The team are called to a local tower block after they get reports that several people have taken their own lives by jumping from the building. When autopsies reveal that it was indeed suicide, the team confront the euthanasia society EXIT. But was it an accident?||5.68 Million Viewers|
|75||Little Dead Riding Hood||Nicole Cooke||16 April 2010||After a series of violent rapes and murders on young women across Swansea, Palmer puts all other cases on hold to track down the person responsible and bring them to justice, yet his actions may have put Dr. Audrey Portcullis in danger. But was it an accident?||24 Million Viewers|
|76||For Love, Four Money||Tony Lewis & Colin Jones||23 April 2010||Dr. Audrey Portcullis resigns and leaves Swansea, heading out to find the love of her life, Father Dylan Jenkins, while the team deal with a case at local student accommodation where four students are found dead and covered in freshly printed money. But was it an accident?
Last appearance of Dr. Audrey Portcullis
Guest appearance by Lee Evans as Father Dylan Jenkins
|16.2 Million Viewers|
|77||A Fairwell To Arms||Robert Croft||30 April 2010||The team take a break from crime fighting to visit the local annual fair, but when they find out that two kids have seen an armless body within the ghost house, the entire site becomes one big crime scene. But was it an accident?||9.1 Million Viewers|
|78||Pinch My Ride||Alan Woods||7 May 2010||After several days of nothing much happening, the team get shocking reports of someone has been going around Swansea shooting people and stealing their cars. But was it an accident?
Return of Detective Vanessa McAyreshire
|3.2 Million Viewers|
|79||What Lies Beneath The Garden Patio?||Tony Lewis & Nicole Cooke||14 May 2010||A landscape gardener who is transforming an elderly ladies garden comes across several bodies buried beneath the garden patio. But was it an accident?||4.8 Million Viewers|
|80||A Trilogy Of Errors - Part One (Crossover trilogy with CSI: Luton)||Jerry Bruckhiemer, Robert Croft, Nick Wire & Alan Woods||21 May 2010||The team are called to a local council building where the bodies of two top ranking Swansea officials are found murdered and hidden inside the office plants. While trying to crack the case, Palmer discovers that similar deaths have occurred at other government buildings across the country all at the same time and decides to join forces with the team’s counterparts from CSI: Luton. Meanwhile, Paula Evans manages to link the deaths and alerts the team to what she believes is a conspiracy but before she can give any more information she dies from eating a poisoned Terry’s Chocolate Orange. But was it an accident?
Last Appearance of Paula Evans
|9.4 Million Viewers|
|81||A Trilogy Of Errors - Part Two (Crossover trilogy with CSI: Luton)||Jerry Bruckhiemer, Robert Croft, Nick Wire & Alan Woods||28 May 2010||CSI: Swansea and CSI: Luton join forces to get revenge on the person or people that killed one of their own. With a murderer on the loose and a conspiracy to unravel the two teams get to work but their efforts are marred by Palmer and Appleby who are constantly arguing over who is in charge wasting both investigation time and screen time. Meanwhile a lead takes the rest of the team to a cheap motel where they find Captain Jack Heartless in a sexual position… But was it an accident?||14.2 Million Viewers|
|82||A Trilogy Of Errors - Part Three (Crossover trilogy with CSI: Luton)||Jerry Bruckhiemer, Robert Croft, Nick Wire & Alan Woods||4 June 2010||With Heartless’ information about a potential government conspiracy Appleby and Palmer head to London to expose the crime to the Queen while Jack Llewellyn and Heartless are still on the tale of the murder suspect and follow him or her onto the roof of the tallest building in-between Swansea and Luton. But was it an accident?||19 Million Viewers|
Series 7 - 2011
|Episode Number||Episode Title||Written By||Original Airdate (UK)||Short Summary||Number of Viewers|
|83||Back In A Jiffy||Helen Raynor & Colin Jones||11 March 2011||The wife of a Royal Mail worker is shocked when her husband comes home from work early, in pieces, sealed within a jiffy bag. But was it an accident?||7 Million Viewers|
|84||The Unlucky Winner Is Dead||Alan Woods||18 March 2011||A local man from Swansea is found dead after winning big on a scratchcard. But was it an accident?||4.5678 Million Viewers|
|85||Austin Prowler: The Man Of Mystery||Mike Gibbins & Tony Lewis||25 March 2011||After a woman is almost murdered on her way home from a nightclub the team try and track down a deadly prowler who is praying on Swansea's beautiful middle aged women. But was it an accident?||16 Million Viewers|
|86||The Alphabetti Spagetti Killer||Robert Croft & Nick Wire||1 April 2011||A series of murders seems to be connected when at each crime scene the team discovers a bowl of Alphabetti Spaghetti with potential clues written within the letters. But was it an accident?||9 Million Viewers|
|87||Saturday Night Beaver||Lisa Lee Dark||8 April 2011||The team are called to an underground brothel where a highly respected councilor is found dead, naked and "well hung". The team then go under the covers...literally to catch their killer. But was it an accident?||123 Million Viewers|
|88||The Unkindness Of Strangers||Nick Wire & Alan Woods||15 April 2011||A man comes to the aid of another who is being beaten up by some local chavs but after the chavs are sent packing the man who took the beating is raped by the stranger that came to his help. But was it an accident?||16 Million Viewers|
|89||Kiss Kiss, Gang Bang||Tony Lewis & Iris Gower||22 April 2011||The team is called in to investigate when a houseful of gang bangers are found with the throats slit and piled up on top of each other while engaging in a massive orgy. But was it an accident?||99 Million Viewers|
|90||When Harry Ate Sally||Nicole Cooke & Helen Raynor||29 April 2011||When the dustbin men find a half eaten body in the rubbish the team come in to investigate a mysterious man called Harry who is going around Swansea eating people including his girlfriend Sally. But was it an accident?||6000 Million Viewers|
|91||Keeping It In The Family||Robert Croft||6 May 2011||The team deal with a case of incest meanwhile after being bundled into a carpet cleaning van Chief Detective Chris Palmer comes face to face with his estranged father: Carl Palmer (played by Tom Baker). But was it an accident?||12 Million Viewers|
|92||ICU: I See You||Iris Gower||13 May 2011||Following the revelation about his secret long lost brother, Palmer teams up with Jack Heartless. The pair head to a creepy run down private hospital where his brother is being held against his will. Elsewhere Jack Llwellyn leads the team on a case that involves an NHS doctor who has been stealing the eyeballs of patients from the local intensive care unit. But was it an accident?||17 Million Viewers|
|93||An Officer And A Genitalman||Colin Jones & Lisa Lee Dark||20 May 2011||Chris Palmer spends the entire episode catching up with his long lost brother, Jack Heartless poses in another sexual position and the team are called in when a naval officer washes up in Three Cliffs completely naked. But was it an accident?||14 Million Viewers|
|94||And Then There Were None Left - Part One||Alan Woods, Robert Croft & Nick Wire||27 May 2011||The team receive invitations to spend the weekend at a creepy stately home to celebrate all their hard work but the celebrations turn to work when several of the other guests turn up dead. But was it an accident?||2.4 Million Viewers|
|95||And Then There Were None Left - Part Two||Alan Woods, Robert Croft & Nick Wire||27 May 2011||Things are looking bleak for the team with a killer on the loose in the house. With everyone else, apart from the butler, dead the team start to question each other, believing that one of their own could be the killer. Paranoia soon sets in as the mental state of each member of the team breaks down to a vegetable state and things reach boiling point when Palmer is almost killed by the killer but is saved by somebody with a sniper rifle. But was it an accident?||2.4 Million Viewers|
|96||2011 Christmas Special: A Crispy Carol||Robert Croft||23 December 2011||The team's Christmas dinner is ruined when the team are called in to investigate after a woman named Carol is found by her husband burnt to a crisp in the oven with the family Christmas meal. When the team eventually catch their killer they try and rehabilitate them by pretending to be the ghosts of Christmas past, present and future. But was it an accident?
Based on Charles Dickheads "A Christmas Carol"
Series 8 - 2012
|Episode Number||Episode Title||Written By||Original Airdate (UK)||Short Summary||Number of Viewers|
|97||Swingers In Suburbia||Lisa Lee Dark & Nicole Cooke||9 March 2012||At a house on the outskirts of Swansea several dead bodies are found in sexual positions in the bedrooms. The team discover it's a swingers party gone wrong and decide to pose as swingers themselves to catch the person, or people responsible. But was it an accident?||TBA|
|98||In Grave Danger||Alan Woods & Nick Wire||16 March 2012||Sir Lionel Blayney manages to secure the release of Detective Daffyd Folland who has been held captive for several years by members of the IRA. Elsewhere the team investigate when several people are found buried alive in a graveyard. But was it an accident?||TBA|
|99||Murder On The South Wales Main Line||Colin Jones & Tony Lewis||23 March 2012||After a young man is found murdered on a train running on the south wales main line, the team discover it may have something to do with the rail company itself. Splitting into two groups they pose as rail staff and passengers to catch their killer but when half the team end up on the wrong train things turn nasty for those left with a real killer... But was it an accident?||TBA|
|100||(Up Your) Viva Las Vagas! (90 minute episode)||Jerry Bruckhiemer||30 March 2012||In the 100th episode of this gritty crime, drama series, the team head out to Las Vagas to celebrate the shotgun wedding of Gilly Gristle and Captain Sophie Ingstad but tragedy strikes when they are arrested by their Las Vagas counterparts on suspicion of murder. But was it an accident?||TBA|
|101||Cool Hand Puke||Robert Croft||6 April 2012||After a poker game at a local prison a convict is found to have died by drowning in his own sick but when analysis of the sick comes back the team discover that he was poisoned by someone on the inside. But was it an accident?||TBA|
|102||The Meat Market||TBA||13 April 2012||The team are called to a local market stall where body parts are being sold on the black market. But was it an accident?||TBA|
|103||Two Face/False Face||TBA||20 April 2012||The team discover that their murder suspect has had a face graft to change their identity. Can they stop him or her killing again? But was it an accident?||TBA|
|104||The Dollshouse||TBA||27 April 2012||A tip off leads the team to a house where they find a killer has been hoarding dead women's bodies and dressing them up as dolls. But was it an accident?||TBA|
|105||Planekiller||TBA||4 May 2012||A woman is found on a airplane, with 14 stab wounds around her body, and her arm completely cut off and having apparently overdosed on painkillers. The team investigate and find a note inside the body from the killer saying that he will kill 14 more air passengers over the next 24 hours. Palmer then leads an undercover mission posing as a pilot while Jack Llwellyn becomes concerned by the over-helpfullness of a male steward. But was it an accident?||TBA|
|106||Two & A Half Men||TBA||11 May 2012||On a rugby pitch the team find two dead men and a severed third body while on top of a office block in Swansea a man is seen brandishing a machete and drinking human blood. But was it an accident? Rumoured to guest star Charlie Sheen.||TBA|
|107||Not A Laughing Matter||Nick Wire||18 May 2012||A failing welsh comedian drops down dead on stage after being shot. But was it an accident?||TBA|
|108||Recipe For Murder - Part One||Robert Croft & Tony Lewis||25 May 2012||The local Swansea bake off ends in disaster when several people end up poisoned. But was it an accident?||TBA|
|109||Recipe For Murder - Part Two||Robert Croft & Tony Lewis||1 June 2012||Part two of the above story that is rumoured to feature the return on the Alphabetti Spaghetti Killer and the most shocking cliffhanger the show has ever had. But was it an accident?||TBA|
|110||2012 Christmas Special: The Bad Santa!||TBA||21 December 2012||A department store santa is discovered murdered on Christmas eve with a selection of presents rammed up his arse. The team investigate and discover that the santa was a former child molester. But was it an accident?||TBA|
Series 9 - 2013
A ninth series has now been confirmed for Spring 2013.
|Episode Number||Episode Title||Written By||Original Airdate (UK)||Short Summary||Number of Viewers|
|111||Once Upon A Time In Swansea||TBA||2013||The team are forced to spend the whole hour reviewing old case notes when it is raised that they may not have caught the right man many years ago when a new murder case seems to have a similar MO. But was it an accident?||TBA|
|112||Scuba Doobie-Doo||TBA||2013||A scuba diver, wearing full scuba gear is somehow found dead in the middle of Swansea High Street. But was it an accident?||TBA|
|113||King Shlong||TBA||2013||A giant severed penis is found in a child's playpark. But was it an accident?||TBA|
|114||Down To Earth||TBA||2013||A dead body falls from the sky and lands on a very unsuspecting courting couple. But was it an accident?||TBA|
|115||There's An Elephant Loose In Swansea!||Robert Croft||2013||A killer lets an elephant loose within Swansea at night to kill people in Swansea, while hiding it in an abandoned peanut factory during the day. The only people that know the elephant has committed the crime are those that have been trampled to death. So with nothing to go on, Chris Palmer leads the investigation to find the mysterious killer, while trying to woo a female zookeeper. But was it an accident?||TBA|
|116||Dead On Time||TBA||2013||A girl goes to meet her boyfriend for a date but is shocked when he arrives to see his has been stabbed in the back with a dagger and that he is dying. But was it an accident?||TBA|
|117||Bloodbath||TBA||2013||The team are called to a local B&B where a body has been found in a bath full of blood. A postmortem then reveals that the body has had all its insides removed. But was it an accident?||TBA|
|118||Deep Fried, Fresh & Kinky||TBA||2013||A couple who are known for attending swingers parties are found dead and well battered within a deep fat fryer at a local chip shop. But was it an accident?||TBA|
|119||A Rush Of Blood To The Dead||TBA||2013||In the middle of a local warehouse the team find a dead man tied upside down. But was it an accident?||TBA|
|120||The Man Who Didn't Shoot The Sheriff, But Did Shoot The Deputy||TBA||2013||A newly recruited local police officer is found dead having been shot with his own revolver. But was it an accident?||TBA|
|121||A Horror Flick||TBA||2013||The team attend the premiere of a new low budget horror film made locally within Swansea but the film actually shows the real brutal murder of a young actress within the films footage. But was it an accident?||TBA|
|122||Such A Waste!||TBA||2013||The team are called to a local nuclear power plant where they find a badly decomposing body in a barrel of chemical waste. But was it an accident?||TBA|
|123||The Testimony of Chris Palmer - Part One||TBA||2013||Chris Palmer gives evidence against a gang responsible for bring illegal immigrants into the country. However the gang are set free and an angry and drunken Palmer confronts them. Later the gang are all found dead floating in a local docklands and a drunken Palmer cannot remember what happened the night before when he confronted them. Arrested on suspicion of murder Palmer's future doesn't look good until an unlikely alley comes to his aid. Meanwhile Lionel Blayney tries to take over the department in Palmer's absence. But was it an accident?||TBA|
|124||The Testimony of Chris Palmer - Part Two||TBA||2013||Chris Palmer is on the run with Jack Heartless and together they try and clear his name bu the case is building against him. Posing as wannabe gangsters who have just moved to Swansea Palmer attempts to draw out those responsible, yet it all leads to a bloody showdown... But was it an accident?||TBA|
|125||2013 Christmas Special: A Child's Christmas In Whales||TBA||December 2013||Christmas time it completely ruined for the team after a child is found dead in the mouth of a huge, dead Blue Whale that has washed up in Swansea Bay. But was it an accident?||TBA|
Series 10 - 2014
A tenth series has been announced by the BBC. It has been revealed by Jerry Bruckhiemer that this will be the final series of the show as it will reach a natural conclusion and also because the network no longer has the money to spend on the budget of the show. The final series of the show will feature fifteen episodes. Lee Evans has been confirmed to appear in the final series along with Ruth Madoc. The series will end after its 140th episode with a 3-hour finale. According to Jerry Bruckhiemer the final series of the show "mostly mirrors that of the first series in terms of crappy character development, episode titles, bad production values, former character's involvement, lots of death and sex and love and sex and tits and sex and blood and violence and pussy and tits and death and sex and boobs and death"
|Episode Number||Episode Title||Written By||Original Airdate (UK)||Short Summary||Number of Viewers|
|126||A Tale Of Two Swansea's||Robert Croft, Alan Woods & Nick Wire||2014||The team investigate after a librarian is found beaten to death with a copy of Charles Dickhead's "A Tale Of Two Cities" meanwhile Lionel Blayney puts his ultimate plan into action and Father Dylan Jenkins is drafted in to cover for Chris Palmer who is still being investigated over an incident involving firearms and someones rear end...||TBA|
|127||TBA||TBA||2014||Plot summary to be announced.||TBA|
|128||Altar Boys||TBA||2014||The team are called to a local church where two altar boys are found dead in a confessional box with their pants down.||TBA|
|129||TBA||TBA||2014||Plot summary to be announced.||TBA|
|130||On All Fours||Craig Handley||2014||The plot will have something to do with prostitutes and will feature minor homosexual and homoerotic undertones. But was it an accident?||TBA|
|131||TBA||TBA||2014||Plot summary to be announced.||TBA|
|132||TBA||TBA||2014||Plot summary to be announced.||TBA|
|133||TBA||TBA||2014||Plot summary to be announced.||TBA|
|134||TBA||TBA||2014||Plot summary to be announced.||TBA|
|135||TBA||TBA||2014||Plot summary to be announced.||TBA|
|136||TBA||TBA||2014||Plot summary to be announced.||TBA|
|137||On The Red Hill||Alan Woods & Nick Wire||2014||A shocking truth is finally revealed about Father Dylan Jenkins and no, it's not that he is gay!||TBA|
|138||And Then So Clear...||Nick Wire, Jimmy Austin & Nicole Cooke||2014||The pieces of the puzzle are not falling into place in this penultimate story of the series. As the team investigate the murder of a skyscraper window cleaner who has left a clue written in some condensation, Father Dylan Jenkins goes head to head with Lionel Blayney for control of Swansea itself!||TBA|
|139||Alls Well, Ends Badly - Part One (90 Minute Episode)||Robert Croft & Jerry Bruckheimer||May 2014||Part one of the two-part final episode. Father Dylan Jenkins has just 90 minutes (totalling three hours spread across two episodes) to crack the most important case of his career, save his team and stop Swansea from being permanantly wiped off the face of the Earth... This finale is also rumoured to be titled 'Endgame - Parts One Two' and will apparently see most of the finale set in the main character's — Father Dylan Jenkins' Welsh cottage.||TBA|
|140||Alls Well, Ends Badly - Part Two (90 Minute Episode)||Robert Croft & Jerry Bruckheimer||May 2014||Part two of the two-part final episode. As Swansea begins to crumble into the sea, Father Dylan and Lionel Blayney fight a bloody battle atop of Three Cliffs Bay while the team stand around cheering Dylan on... Will anyone survive this bloody final battle/case? Nah probably not...||TBA|
- Swansea is a city and county in Wales.
- Charlotte Church' character was removed from the show because people wanted to see her to suffer.
- Lee Evans' stunt double died from eating a bad pasty during filming.
- Ray Stokes is actually played by Ricky Gervais after he failed to take on the US film market.
- Sometimes Cardiff doubles for parts of Swansea.
- The same actors and actresses have been used to play the victims over and over.
- The car explosion at the end of series three was achieved by attaching some fireworks to a toy Corgi car which was fired in the direction of a toy petrol tanker.
- Two boom microphone operators vanished during the filming of series two, UFO's were spotted over Swansea at the time, which was 10:30pm.
- Real human remains are used for every episode. These are taken from the bodies of those that die in knife and gun crime around Swansea.
- John Sergeant who plays Sergeant John Sergeant in series 3 onward, was taken to court after one female accused his character of dragging her character into the cells while she was lying on the floor which resulted in her getting carpet burn, the producers and Sergeant were not charged but the carpet was taken into police custody.
- Lee Evans often films his Live at the Apollo stints while he is breaking from filming CSI: Swansea.
- Lee Evans' character wears odd socks in every episode of the show.
- Charlotte Church sued the producers and writers of the show after the decision was taken to remove her character from the running. She was successful in doing this and used the money she made to start up her own chat show on Channel Four, which like her character on this show — is shit!
- Oystermouth Castle which is in Swansea has never featured in the show.
- In the series two story 'The Bay' numerous wide shots show a volcano in the background. There is not actually a volcano in Swansea.
- Two cats were not harmed during the making of the series.
- To save money aerial shots of Swansea were taken using Google Earth and Google Maps.
- Lee Evans was shot 4 times while making the show — all the attempts were accidents of course!
- Ricky Gervais lost his virginity on the set of the show.
- Some people believe that if there is a series 7 there will be a crossover episode with Songs of Praise.
- The BBC & Jerry Thingy have denied rumours of a feature film as they are just going too far.
- Charlotte Church's character did not appear in the 2007 Christmas special "The Codfather" as a result of public demand.
- The BBC says that they have enough crap material to keep the show running to the end of the earth.
- The programme is filmed all year round to save cast members from taking the lead in a shit ITV drama/documentary.
The cast has been involved in a few charities including RSPCVPO which stands for The Royal Society For The Protection And Care Of Violent Pet Owners and they have also been involved in Adultline the charity for adults getting attacked by young children and elderly people. The cast has also recorded a single for comic relief ready for the event.
Comic Relief Charity Single 2007(Living On My Own)
|"Living On My Own"|
|Single by Father Dylan/Jack Llewelyn/Huw Griffiths/Audrey Portcullis|
|Genre||Cheesy Re-made 80s disco music|
- Father Dylan - Vocals
- Huw Griffiths and Jack Llewelyn - Synthesizers
- Audrey Portcullis - Violin
- Bruce Forsyth - Ballroom dancer in music video
- Note: Despite the fact that the single was made for comic relief, the compact disc of the song has yet to be released despite the fact that the event is well and truly over.
Comic Relief Charity Single 2009 (Never Gonna Give You Up)
As previously the cast and remaining crew will be involved in the Comic Relief proceedings for 2009. It has been revealed that there will be a new single for 2009, which will be called 'Never Gonna Give You Up' after the Rick Astley song. The crew will play instruments while the cast make fools out of themselves by singing to Astley's tune and doing that awful dance routine. The video for the new single will also be available on the night and later on internet site YouTube. The video will feature clips of the crew and cast playing instruments and singing and dancing, while clips from the first three series of the show will be intercut into the video to take up some time. The CD will be released later through the Crimes Against Music record company.
- Father Dylan - Vocals
- Huw Griffiths and Jack Llewelyn - Synthesizers & Keyboard
- Audrey Portcullis - Drums
- Ray Stokes - Electric Guitar
- Sergeant John Sergeant - Tambourine & Triangle
- All - Cheesy dance in music video
The Comic Relief 2009 Special Episode - Never Gonna Give You Up
There is also going to be a 30 second comic relief special in 2009, also named 'Never Gonna Give You Up', the plot details are as follows:
A father (Rick Astley) tries to protect his son (Barry from EastEnders) after the son accidently kills his brother (Desmond from Lost) in a boating accident (actually a full sized boat placed in front of a green screen). The team then investigate the case to get to the truth while the father continues to help his son hide what he has done. The episode will feature lines like 'Dad, you don't have to continue to protect me, it’s going to get out sooner or later, you might as well go to the police now and give me up' to which Astley's character will respond 'Son.......I'm never gonna give you up!' this will then be followed by Rick's song and video with that cheesy dance which will be added due to popular demand to end the special.
- Rick Astley as the Father
- Barry from EastEnders as the Fat Older Brother That Is Still Alive
- Desmond from Lost as the Dead 'Brother'
The special episode was broadcast on 13th March 2009 at 9:48pm and 42 seconds.
Helping Haiti 2010 Special Episode - Murder She Wrote...About
The team behind the show wanted to help all those in Haiti after the recent problems there so they decided to film another special episode for the event. The episode will be broadcast on TV once series four has aired and then later be available to download and buy in some shops. The DVD's will apprently be sold at £500 each in order to raise as much money as possible. 40% of the proceeds will be going to Haiti.
Apprently the plot will centre around a woman who has committed a crime but made the foolish mistake of wrting it all down in a book, allowing the team to catch her. The episode is said to be 15 minutes long and will air after the final episode of series four has been shown on 12th March 2010. The cast is said to include all the major players, minus Detective Mario Wang, as well as the following guest stars:
- That woman from Spooks as Woman that commits the crime
- Richard Wilson as the husband of a murdered victim. Upon hearing the truth he will say "I DON'T BELIEVE IT..."
Considering Chile 2010 Charity Single (Tsunami)
After the 2010 Chile earthquake it was revealed that the cast of the show will record another single in order to raise money for those in Chile and other countries effected by the earthquake, it is said that the single will be a cover version of Manic Street Preachers song "Tsunami".
The team behind the show are also planning on holding a chilli cook-off to see who can eat the hottest version. Guests will be invited to the studios where the show is filmed to have a look and take part. All proceeds will go to charity...apprently!
- Father Dylan and Audrey Portcullis - Vocals
- Jack Heartless - Backing Vocals
- Huw Griffiths and Jack Llewelyn - Guitars
- PC Ray Stokes and Sergeant John Sergeant - Synthesizers
- Paula Evans - Violin
- PC Jessica Jones - Triangle
- Gilly Gristle - Tamberine
- Mario Wang - Drums