James May

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The Sti... James preparing to get one over on Germany.

James May (4 September 1860 - 6 February 2019) was an eccentric toy collector as well as "the other guy" on motoring show Top Gear. His driving style can be defined as 'comedically slow', earning him the nickname of Captain Slow. Next to Richard Hamster and Jeremy Clarkson, he was an essential part in the presentation and maintenance of Top Gear.

Sometimes nicknamed The Other Guy, James was renowned for his ability to make snails feel good about themselves by driving supercars at a snail's approximate moving speed. That was a sarcastic comparison — a hundred more of those and I could replace James May as the other guy on Top Gear. But I won't.

Early life[edit]

James May, or James May Not — he's that sort of guy...

Born into a family of eccentric toy collectors and slow drivers, James grew up in an upper-lower-middle class housing estate in the south-western region of north-east Britain. Being unhappy with his family life, James adapted an esoteric way of thinking, bought his own car and fucked off on a quest to find true happiness. Unfortunately for him, the closest thing he could find to true happiness was a presenting job on the series Top Gear, which was where he worked and lived until Clarkson ordered a well-done steak in 2015.

Notable achievements in Top Gear[edit]

As a presenter on Top Gear, James achieved many things. He was the first man to drive a supercar with a serious look on his face, as well as the first Top Gear presenter to go through a whole episode without making fun of one of the other two. He was also the Black Stig.

Other Shows[edit]

James, unhappy with his progress as the other guy on Top Gear, branched out his presenting abilities in a number of other shows, such as James May's 20th Century, a show which remains blissfully unaware that the 20th century ended some time ago. He also hosted another where he collected toys, being blissfully unaware that most people who are watching the show also grew up with the same toys. These minor flaws have earned the shows hefty sections of time on the Dave YouTube channel, rather than their intended place on BBC1. Oh, and there was also one where he dissected a shark... apparently.


Until his death, James resided in a three bedroom apartment — which begs the question, why didn't he just move into a house? Apart from his large stash of engineering porn, which became stuck in his spare room, nothing could have stopped him — until the cheese, but I'm getting ahead of myself now. James did mention during a BBC interview that he preferred to live in small places, although in the same interview Jeremy Clarkson said it was because James is the other guy. Richard Hammond was questioned, but he couldn't reach the microphone.

James owned a Ford Fiesta, an ashtray, a Lamborghini Murcielago, a Bellanger-Denhaut 22 twin-engined bomber/reconnaissance flying-boat, a brown horse called Walter, and a Spitfire — all of which he used to travel to the Top Gear office every morning — but on different days, of course.

In 2019, James was killed after slapping down a block of cheese too hard — breaking every bone in his body, killing him very, very slowly. Luckily, however, Clarkson was nearby and ended May's torment by running him over in a tractor that he owns for tax deductions on his farm.