Four Wiggles of the Apocalypse

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Almost totally unrelated image of an Apocalypic Giant Stuffed Mouse...

The Four Wiggles of the Apocalypse are mentioned in the Bible in the bonus "hidden" appendix of The Book of Stuff that I Forgot to Mention Earlier, Sorry. The Four Wiggles are traditionally named Death, War, Famine and Pestilence, but are known to modern scholars as Jeff, Murray, Anthony and Gregorsam. Other interpretations of their roles have been offered throughout history, and they have also been known as Accordion, Guitar, Other Guitar and Singer.

According to The Book of Stuff, the Wiggles will feature prominently in the upcoming Apocalypse alongside a calvalcade of well-known stars, and will appear alonside Barney the Dinosaur and the fearsome pirate Captain Feathersword. They will travel in their mighty vermilion chariot, bringing fear and platinum albums to the world, with a mighty army of toddlers in their wake.

It should be pointed out that none of the Four Wiggles of the Apocalypse are attracted to minors in any way. Because that would be wrong.

Original Text[edit]

Translated from the original COBOL, based on an ancient text found on a piece of toast last wednesday:

  1. Woah, and there was all this stuff, like, floating around, and there were, like, these four guys, right?
  2. The first guy was, like, really drowsy, couldn't keep his eyes open for like one second even. And he was purple. Weird, huh?
  3. The second guy was obsessed with his guitar. I mean, seriously, this dude would not put his damn guitar down, right?
  4. He just kept playing, and playing, and playing, and playing, and playing (and so on for another five lines) and playing, and playing (sorry, only a little more) and playing, (okay, that's enough)
  5. And he was wearing this really gnarly red skivvy. Red like blood. Woah. Bummer.
  6. The next guy was like eating all the time. Mostly fruit salad, hot potato, mashed banana and cold spaghetti. Weird.
  7. His skivvy was blue like the sky, man, like the sky just after the rain.
  8. The last guy wore yellow. His name was Greg, or Sam, sometimes. He did these, like, really cool magic tricks, like making rings link, or hankies like just APPEAR!
  9. He was driving them all around in this really cool red car, too. They called it the big red car. It was red, and it was a car.
  10. Didn't seem that big though.
  11. But there was a pirate and a dinosaur, too. At least it wasn't goddamn Barney. That guy scares the hell out of me.
  12. Anyone got any biscuits? Or another couple of those mushrooms? Wow, I can see the hairs on my hand!

This is considered to be the most reliable and accurate translation currently in existancem, although there is some dispute as to whether the mushroom represented in the last passage refers to a real mushroom or a Smurf house.


Proof that The Wiggles are really scary...

Purple Wiggle[edit]

Jeff, the Purple Wiggle, is said to represent death, or sleep. He is depicted as constantly drifting off to sleep at odd moments, only to be brought back to the waking world by the exhortations of the other Wiggles. Thus, Jeff is often interpreted in modern texts as being a representation of death and rebirth, or reincarnation - he dies and is reborn into the world, wide eyed and ready to continue playing the accordion, another symbol of death(as in most civilised cultures, serial accordion playing is punishable by beheading).

Some have attempted to make a link between the Purple Wiggle and the Antichrist, but despite the colouring their appearance and typical behaviour seem to be quite different(for example, the Purple Wiggle has never been known to devour the souls of accountants).

Red Wiggle[edit]

Murray, the Red Wiggle, represents war, or combat, by constantly playing the guitar. Guitars, most often used as an offensive weapon by nuns, can be quite deadly if strapped to the front of a Buick and smashed into somebody at a great speed, and have also been known to explode when filled with dynamite and set on fire. He is also the first to die when malevolent aliens attack. Murray is also a transexual.

Blue Wiggle[edit]

Jacko joins the wiggles...

Anthony, the Blue Wiggle, represents famine and greed. He consumes all that lies before him, not unlike Oprah or Kirstie Alley, but remains at the same weight, and is thus not supporting the entire gossip magazine industry. The references to taco salad have been linked by some to the Flying Spaghetti Monster, but it could be entirely coincidental.

Yellow Wiggle[edit]

Sam Moron, the Yellow Wiggle, represents pestilence, this is probably because his skivvy is yellow and yellow is referred to by many people, your mom included, as what advanced spectrologists call "icky". Pestilence is often considered in terms of plagues of rats, locusts or lawyers, however the original meaning of the word referred to both plague and the parasitic creatures which carried it. In these enlightened times it refers to Reality TV and Tori Spelling shows. As an interesting aside, parasite used to be spelled parisilton. True, that.

The "Fifth" Wiggle, Captain Feathersword[edit]

Lonely women fantasize about that feathersword

The mysterious pirate referred to in the earlier part of the text as above returns in The Book of Stuff 2 - Eclectic Bugaboo: He apparently represents evil monkeys.

  1. Captain Feathersword returns in this action-packed adventure, featuring pirates, dinosaurs, hookers, clowns, balloons and puppies!
  2. See him Wiggle his fantasic feathersword, tickling everything and everyone he sees!
  3. Special discount rate - children at adult's prices, 3 for the price of 5!
  4. Fun for the whole family!!!

It is not known whether this portion was written by the same author.

Captain Feathersword was played by current Aiden lead singer WiL Francis for a short amount of time before he was axed for profanity.

Dorothy the Dinosaur[edit]

Seen by some to be yet another reference to either the Flying Spaghetti Monster or the Antichrist, Dorothy the Dinosaur should probably be taken at face value - a lost soul, millions of years out of her time, yearning for the sweet, sweet oblivion of the grave.

She also eats roses.

She also drinks a strange concoction made of the above, and then serves it to her friends to stupefy them, making it easier for her to take over the world, which is her True Purpose. Her compatriot is often overheard saying, "Dot, what are we going to do today?" to which she answers, "What we do everyday, Wagsy; Wake Up Jeff!"

See Also[edit]