Captain Britain

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Captain Britain standing at the prow of HMS Hot Crumpet during the Falklands War

“It's time to kick arse and have sex with women with our fit bodies, lads.”

~ Captain Britain

“Fancy a delightful cup of arse whooping and crumpets, love?”

~ Captain Britain's catchphrase

Captain Britain is known as being the single greatest superhero of all time by the people of Great Britain, Europe and the Commonwealth as well as being the winner of the World's Biggest Badarse award for the year 2004. His powers can be matched only by Ving Rhames who is also known for being the single greatest superhero in the United Shites of Arsehole.

The Captain is known for achieving several acts of great bravery including fighting in World War Two alongside The Queen and Doctor Who. Captain Britain is also said to have found the Holy Grail along with Monty Python although this is popularly disputed as it it popularly considered that Oscar Wilde IS the Holy Grail.

Captain Britain briefly claimed Excalibur as his own and was appointed protector of the entire friggin multiverse (kinda like a multiplex but with universes instead of cinema). He lost his position when too many Americans complained that they didn't want their multiverse run by a Brit.

Stupid Americans.

To add insult to injury, Captain Britain was later sued by King Arthur and had to give up the sword and pay compensation of £6.65 for being too awesome without the proper permit.


Captain Britain was an ally of the Conservative Party of Great Britain from 1979 to 1996 when he went into early retirement. He was persuaded to return to the political frontline in 2002 by the United Kingdom Independence Partisans for whom he now knits union jack tea-cosys. He has refused to thwart their enemies and get them into government as he managed to do for Margaret Thatcher claiming "there are limits to my powers". He then formed an alliegance with the most British man Britain have ever seen. He was so British that he christened his son Britain. His name was Thomas Pettit I a.k.a. the Great Red Indian Britain, which came about from a conspiracy theory that he wasn't in fact as British as he made out, with some saying that he actually had some Native American roots, contributing to his very un-British, tinted skin complexion. However, this conspiracy has now been verified FALSE as he actually used sunbeds.


  • The ability to be fit, unlike Americans.
  • Can consume any amount of creme tea, and be a badarse.
  • Can put away more scones, cream and jam than Thatcher herself.
  • Knows that its NOT soccer and IS football, just like the rest of the un-obese world.
  • Frequently goes to raves, and is good at dancing, usually takes home 7 or so women.
  • Ability to drive on both sides of the road. Even though everybody knows that the left side is better.
  • Ability to understand humour.
  • Ability to do mathmatical equations that are so hard that even Einstien can't do them.
  • Ability to actually start a war and finish it winning. (He's looking at you America.)
  • Ability to say "arse" rather then "ass" when referring to his, or someone else's, posterior.
  • Ability to speak the English language correctly and use correct grammar and punctuation.
  • Ability to consume life threatening quantities of alcohol.
  • Can pull out Witty lines out of nowhere and use them against his enemies. (See James Bond)
  • Is the only person who can take on Ving Rhames, Chuck Norris, Bruce Willis and Clint Eastwood (30 years ago) at the same time... and win.
  • Ability to be better than Captain America, without effort and not be such a backwards jingoistic hick.

Famous Quotes[edit]

“It's Tricky to rock a rhyme, to rock a rhyme that's right on time

It's's Tricky (Tricky) Tricky (Tricky) It's Tricky to rock a rhyme, to rock a rhyme that's right on time

It's Tricky...Tr-tr-tr-tricky (Tricky) Trrrrrrrrrrricky”

~ Run DMC on how hard it must be to be Captain Britain

“Mr Blair is a modest man. That said, he has much to be modest about.”

~ Captain Britain on Tony Blair

See also[edit]

Preceded by:
Protector of the British Isles
1967 - 1974
Succeeded by:
Doctor Who