James T. Kirk

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“You aren't just unfit for command Jim, you aren't fit at all. Ever since you motorized your captains chair, you've started to look like the people in WALL-E. Seriously man, you need to be getting more exercise in the rec room, a full nights sleep, and eat a proper diet, or we'll be burying you in a photon torpedo before this five year mission is over! Do some yoga like Khan; and no, masturbation and banging three breasted space hookers is not a substitute for cardio! No more mid night-big mac-snack attacks or crispy cream donuts sprinkled with Novocain for you Mr., and if you're going to lock yourself in your quarters and listen to classical music instead of dining with the crew at the mess hall, than at least stop using your phaser to warm TV dinners from the synthesizer commissary! Learn to cook you lazy son of a bitch, it's a gun atheism damn it, not a mini microwave!”

~ Dr. Leonard McCoy on the captain's monthly health checkup.

Still quite the ladies' man.

Capt. James Tiberius Kirk (born March 22, 2233) is, a...CANADIAN! actor, starship captain, skimmed milk enthusiast, ladies' man, and founder of Kirk-jitsu. He was best-known for starring in Star Trek: The Original Series.

Early life[edit]

Kirk was born in 2233 in Iowa the exact place of birth is unknown to this day, but some fuckers from a small town in Iowa claim it as the "future birthplace of James T. Kirk". Nevertheless Trekkies will have to wait in 2233 for his birth not to happen. In his younger years, he was a prominent time traveler, and went back in time to establish himself as the successful British songwriter known as Jamie T, and, recorded an album, obviously putting minimal effort into any of it judging by the fact he sounded like he'd just had an easy morning at the pub, downing Tequila and Jack Daniel's whiskey and that most of it was done in his bedroom.

He didn't edit it himself but in keeping with his style got some lazy bum to do it for him; who didn't bother to cut out other usually undesirable sounds such as one accidentally recorded threat to maim several children while on their bikes using an automobile. However, Kirk's endless viewing of the Star Trek series in between, his skiving/recording sessions seeing himself as an adult in the far future but in command of a ship that looked like crap on the inside because it was designed in a Television Studio about 30 odd years beforehand.

Enterprise career[edit]

This photo was taken when William Shatner Captain Kirk assumed command by being a fucking badass.

Shatner led a distinguished career at Starfleet Academy, where he beat the Kobiyashi Maru without cheating (much). He was given the nickname "James T. Kirk", and gained notice when he, helped, deliver, a...CARGO OF DRAMATIC PAUSES! to Tangalos IV during the Galactic Comma Shortage of 2259 (ironically caused by Kirk himself), and was soon promoted to the captain of the Starship Entercorse Enterprise NCC-1701, a service number shrewdly chosen to lead the Klingons to think there were 1700 other starships. After a while, the alphabet had to be reworked because Kirk kept losing ships with the same name.

During, the voyages of the Enterprise, Captain Kirk battled countless foes including Klingons Romulans Jedi and Sith. He was intended to explore space for a five year mission, but this was both extended by 50 years as well as being cut short three years into the mission when Kirk was demoted to Commander, demoted to Captain, and promoted to admiral. Nothing interesting happened until 1978 when V'ger attacked but that movie sucked; so it's generally agreed his adventures resumed with the fight against Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!

Rule Breaker[edit]

Kirk had more violations of the Prime Directive than any other Starfleet captain violating rules against time travel on no less than 94 occasions. He later slingshotted around the sun backwards to travel back in time and rewrite the Prime Directive to permit time travel, but got sidetracked and brought back some whales instead. After the evil alternate universe Kirk traveled in time to re-rewrite the Prime Directive, Kirk again traveled back in time to prevent a time travel incident. However it was a wash: since although he successfully prevented himself from traveling in time decreasing his number of violations he had to time travel to do it, resulting in no net change in Prime Directive violations. Then he fought a floating head who claimed to be God, but everyone knows that movie sucked. There were better Voyager episodes than Star Trek V.

Interstellar Space Stud[edit]

"Dammit, Jim! This show is supposed to be PG!!"

Kirk's mission in life was to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to blow up computers by talking to them, to boldly bang species no man had banged before. And while he's there some human women too. But mostly green chicks. The tremendous success of Kirk's sex life along with unauthorized time travel is the main reason why most alien species are humanoid. Captain Kirk has had sexual relations with more species than any other humanoid in Federation Space a recent DNA census revealing 10,000+ confirmed children spread out across the Alpha and Beta quadrants, like a 23rd century Rasputin, but with more magic power crystals. If Kirk is (as widely suspected) the man who fertilized Atalonia the Hive Queen of Talanos III, then he may have as many as 37.9 million children in the Talanosian system alone.

In the process, Captain Kirk became infected with 138 incurable sexually transmitted diseases which were promptly cured by McCoy (despite being incurable) by the end of the episode so they could return to the status quo. The only exception was Terminal Comma Overuse Disease, also known as William Shatner Syndrome, and those nasty things that get in your ear from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan! As such, he poses a galaxy wide health threat. Fortunately, Kirk was able to bring an infection of Bajoran pubic lice under control (Bajoran pubic lice being sentient, orange, and purple six limbed saber toothed creatures which grow to the size of a brown, bear); although he briefly lost control of the Enterprise to the creatures until Dr. McCoy was able to supply him with the special shampoo. As a result of these cosmic dalliances the Borg were somewhat, hesitant to assimilate him because "When you assimilate someone you're assimilating everyone they've ever slept with." The threat Kirk posed to the Borg was the reason the Federation remained safe from them through the 23rd century, until Picard's era because they knew there would be no chance of Picard having an STD. Or even sexual thoughts for that matter. It has never been conclusively proven that Kirk and Picard are not related, or that William T. Riker is or is not the love-child of Kirk and one of his many visits to Sperm Bank Alpha.

The Tribble Incident[edit]

"Captain! It's all we have to wipe with!"

With Kirk spending the entire ship's bankroll on Orion pole dancers, the Enterprise crew ran out of money to buy the bare essentials for the latter half of the five or six year mission. Until one day, he found a small furry creature called a Tribble shoved between his buttocks while taking his morning dump. Since Tribbles can breed on their own, he stocked the galley with the little buggers. Soon enough they were living off "Tribble, Flambé" and "Tribble Scotch" and watching "Tribble Cockfighting".

This was all going well until one of them bit Wesley Crusher while he was trying to wipe with it (despite the fact that Tribbles don't have mouths. Or any other facial features or limbs, for that matter). He got rabies and was ejected into space with the rest of the Tribbles. Funny thing was, Wesley Crusher wasn't born yet, and was never on Kirk's crew. Ever. He was on Picard's. Crusher is so annoying he spreads through time and space and brothels.

Spock's Death[edit]

During a very moving and poignant funeral, Kirk decided to say a few words and several commas, which is usually a big mistake. Near the end with Scotty's bagpipes Kirk has yet another "fuck the English language up" moment. Or a stroke; I can't tell which. Anyhow, in the heat of the climax instead of saying the word "human" he actually says "pointy eared knob jockey" but then realizes that the tranquillizers have worn off and tries to save the day by saying "mumam".

Alongside Shakespearean actors; Death in a girdle[edit]

Guess who's not going to be beaming up again.

Then he was in a good movie where he killed a Klingon who quoted Hamlet. Kirk was tragically killed in a really bad movie where the only notable thing in it was that he died. Seriously, there are like fifty thousand Trekkie's with better ideas they'd have given freely to Paramount yet they do a crappy pseudo time travel divide by zero thing where Kirk proves he is better than Jean-Luc Picard and gets killed by some stupid British guy. What the hell where they thinking? I mean getting crushed by a bridge? He should have died for a reason apart from saving a small planet of weirdos we didn't even see. All his death did was legitimatize TNG's existence but seriously, it was already established as its own show by the time the movie came out.

Even after death Kirk has provoked the greatest argument in human history since Coke vs. Pepsi: Kirk vs. Picard. Everyone knows Kirk's better; though Worf was pretty cool too. Geordi has the best ass of all though. And he doesn't have to use the crappy paper glasses that the theater gives out when he goes to a 3D movie 'cause he's got his own.

Although not actually an official ninja, Captain Kirk is known across Federation Space for his mad skills in the art of hitting things with your fist. His unique fighting style can best be described as a combination of Jack Bauer and Adam West; known as the badass art of kirk-jitsu.

See also[edit]

Someone's not getting into Catholic heaven.
  • Spock: Spock! It's time to do my taxes again...
  • Dr. Leonard McCoy: Bones! I order you to start putting that prescription pad of yours to good use and fill up this duffel bag with alcohol, cannabis, diazepam, secobarbital, methaqualone, methylphenidate, Dexamyl, and cocaine stat!
  • Mr. Sulu: Mr. Sulu! I think we'll be taking the hover Rolls Royce today not the Jag; tell my secretary Ms. Uhura to change the meeting with mega corporate about hiring those private military contractors to next star week.
  • Pavel Chekov: Mr. Chekov! I told you we should have asked space Apollo for directions! Now we're Lost in Space and it's all your fault!
  • Red Shirts: Scotty! Who the hell are these people and what are they doing on my ship? Beam these intruders into the sun.
  • Computer: Computer! Who's the fairest one of all? What do you mean it's Sulu, Uhura than me?! Initiate self destruct countdown. Code zero zero zero. Destruct. Zero!!!