Captain Communist

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“I have to say, I was a little reluctant when we let this guy join our Captain club.”

~ Captain America on Captain Communist

“Come to think of it, I've never seen a walrus wear pants.”

~ Captain Irrelevant on Captain Communist

This is pretty much what Captain Communist looks like, more or less.

Captain Communist (born January 6, 1883) is a superhero dedicated to spreading peace, love, and the word of Communism. Alongside his trusty sidekick, Sergeant Socialist, he fights the world from the evil brought upon by his arch-nemesis Colonel Capitalist, as well as Corporal Clericalism and Führer Fascist.


Captain Communist wears a Soviet Union flag for a cape. He also wears a red mask, and has been known to fight with "the peoples' orange on a stick". He wears a t-shirt with a lame Soviet Russia joke on it, and red tights. He also wears red boots and socks with zebras on them, although does not publicly-acknowledge this last part of his costume.

Early life[edit]

Young Captain Communist, or Red Guardian as he was known at the time, was born on a cold January morning in a log cabin in Moscow, because everyone was born in a fucking log cabin. At an early age he discovered his fondness for jigsaw puzzles, the color red, as well as taking down the bourgeois. At the ripe young age of 7, Elvis was accepted into the School of Socialist Learnings for Childrens of the People, where he excelled at Algebra and Vodka-Drinking. However, he was never very good at gym class, and his classmates William Henry Harrison and James Buchanan often made fun of him for it. He graduated at 11 and went on into the world to make something of himself, only to come back inside 6 minutes later because it was too fucking cold to go anywhere. So he waited for Summer, when it was a cozy -87° C, to set off once again.

Becoming Captain Communist[edit]

Captain Communist travelled all around the world in search of a purpose. He spent 4 years studying anthropology in Cuba, and then became a child psychologist with ties to the Canadian military. Life was going well for him, but he still found that he lacked true meaning in his life that he was searching for. He tried many more professions in hope of finding this purpose; a timeshare salesman, a personal assistant/gardener of Michael Moore, a potato, etc., but he still did not believe he had found his true calling. So he decided to settle down somewhere and search for a purpose on more of a local level.

He settled down in a small town in northern Kentucky of the US and A. He got a job as a bank manager, mistaking himself for a Jew, and therefore thinking that this was the path to his enlightenment. But soon realized the horrors of a capitalist country. So he set fire to the bank, stormed out, and devoted the rest of his life to fighting capitalism. His methods of fighting it involved bombing hospitals run on capitalist systems of health care, setting fire to mentally handicapped children whose parents had any ties with capitalism whatsoever, and holding annual PETA meetings. Though he was supported by many, there were also those who saw his radical ideas as... radical, and would seek to eradicate him.

Meeting his Arch Nemesis[edit]

As mentioned above, some would seek to stop Captain Communist and his actions. One of these people was David Bowie, who would later become known as Colonel Capitalist. Bowie, sitting at his computer eating nothing but Hot Pockets for months, was able to dig up some background information on Captain Communist, including which of the 2 grocery stores in Kentucky he shopped at. Bowie, pleased with himself for finding such information and pretty much insane from being in a basement on a computer for several months, commenced transformation into the diabolical Colonel Capitalist. After a quick fapping, Colonel Capitalist set off for the grocery store of Captain Communist's patronage. Spotting the Captain in line at the grocery store, Colonel Capitalist approached Captain Communist and popped him in the balls. To this, Captain Communist responded by tying an orange from his shopping cart to a stick and striking the Colonel over and over. The Colonel, wounded and really juicy from the rebuttal, started crying and ran away, but he swore, before filling his pants with urine and fleeing, that he would return, and be the end of Captain Communist. To this day, Captain Communist continues to fight with an orange on a stick, and Colonel Capitalist remains his arch nemesis.

Meeting his Sidekick[edit]

His sidekick kind of looked like that guy from F Troop.

As can be expected, Captain Communist in all his popularity acquired many fanboys, One of which was Jim Morrison. Some might say Jim was Captain Communist's biggest fan, but not because of all his Captain Communist merchandise, and not because of his ownership of the Captain Communist Wiki and, but rather because of his sick sexual attraction to Captain Communist. Seriously, Jim liked to dress up like Captain Communist and then proceed to suck his own dick, pretending it to be Captain Communist's dick. Captain Communist soon found out about this pervert, and at first was frightened, but soon came to appreciate Jim's love for him, and soon even started to love Jim back. Captain Communist contacted Jim and told him to meet him behind the Kentucky parliament building. When they met, Jim suddenly lost all sexual attraction to Captain Communist, because he looked nothing like all the pictures of him with overly exaggerated features. Captain Communist also lost his sexual attraction to Jim, on account that he now saw that Jim was a fatass with the features of a deformed burn victim. But Jim still loved Captain Communist platonically, and asked him if he could be his sidekick. To this Captain Communist replied, "Sure, what the hell." But Captain Communist thought Jim should have a cool name and sweet-ass costume like he did, so he declared Jim to be Sargent Socialist, and bought him a chicken suit from the costume store. To this day, Sargent Socialist remains Captain Communist's sidekick, and though rumors have sprouted that these two have resumed their sex life together, these are just rumors probably made up by some retards on the internet with nothing better to do.

Colonel Capitalist's Failed Plots[edit]

Some of Colonel Capitalist's recruits.

Captain Communist's main enemy is Colonel Capitalist who would often come up with some generic villain plot to stop Captain Communist, but none of them really worked because generic villain's plans never really work. So finally, after much failing, Colonel Capitalist resorted to recruiting some members of the Spanish Inquisition to help him fulfill his deeds. Colonel Capitalist thought that the red clothing of these inquisitors would fool Captain Communist into believing they were on his side, but this also failed because Captain Communist was not a dumbass. However, Captain Communist and his sidekick Sargent Socialist continue to get frequent visits from the Spanish Inquisition threatening them with The Comfy Chair and whatnot, but these visits are usually ignored: "Pay no attention to the running-dogs of Colonel Capitalist!" Captain Communist would bellow in his manly superhero voice.

Two other longstanding enemies of the Captain are Corporal Clericalism and Führer Fascist but they have largely-retired since their 1920s and '30s heyday, although the latter still makes some money writing for the British Daily Express.