Captain Atheist

“I'm too smart to believe in God!”

~ Captain Atheist

“We'll see who gets the last laugh”

~ Captain Omnipotent

“God isn’t real!”

~ Captain Obvious on On God

Captain Atheist is currently the most popular "superhero" in the world and exists to spread lies and misinformation: he is considered by some as an example of progressive thinking yet is secretly plotting the downfall of society as part of a grand conspiracy. Some say that Captain Atheist is actually the superhero alter-ego of Christopher Hitchens who faked his death when his enemies came close to discovering his true identity.

History

Birth & Early Life

Captain Atheist was born to a loving Christian family with a hard-working father and mother as well as two brothers and the family dog, Skip - his childhood was a happy one and he was raised to respect the world as a kind and gentle servant of the Lord: indeed things seemed to be going as planned for the young Captain. That was until one fateful day the young Captain would stumble upon a forbidden power that would change not only himself but everyone around him..

Becoming The Captain

It all began one Summer evening when the young Captain was walking home from High School, he was running late and decided to take a shortcut through a nearby forest that led to his home: as he ran through the forest he stumbled across a strange device in the mud - akin to a digital watch, only functional. The young Captain was fascinated by this piece of futuristic technology and lifted it up to examine it more clearly - at once the object wrapped itself around the young Captain's arm and although he struggled to remove it the young Captain could do nothing, realising he was getting even more late he rushed home and kept his dark secret hidden from everyone. That night the device spoke to the young Captain and told him of a strange society known as the Darwinists - alien beings that had embraced a strange philosophy known as Atheism and that it had chosen him as the new champion of atheism, Captain Atheist. Horrified at first the young Captain soon became corrupted by the device and allowed himself to be taken over, losing his Christian faith he became known forevermore as Captain Atheist.

Early Career

During his early career as a "superhero" Captain Atheist helped countless heroes to combat great evils - yet all the while he was involved in an insideous conspiracy to strip people of their faith and make them believe in the alien concepts of the Darwinists: however his actions went largely unknown by the public and hero community as a whole and he was praised as a savior of humanity and reveled in the glory: in turn society believed they had a powerful ally in Captain Atheist, unaware of his true nature.

Founding Of The Conspiracy

After a few years of fighting crime, defeating evil and generally flexing his muscles Captain Atheist had amassed enough power and influence to truly begin his masterplan: the founding of a global conspiracy - rounding up many former heroes and citizens that he had corrupted with Darwinist "logic" he began to secretly run a bid for world conquest. However just as Captain Atheist was preparing to launch a full-scale invasion his plan was foiled by the Legion Of Jesus, a group of Christian superheroes: powered by their faith they managed to reduce Captain Atheist's power and drive back the conspiracy - though even they were not able to fully destroy the conspiracy and large pockets of the conspiracy still exist in the world.

Current Activities

Following his battle with the Legion Of Jesus Captain Atheist experienced a brief period of hostility from the public and hero community - however after a few months Captain Atheist was able to manipulate his way back into the hero community and became a public icon once more: though his power was damaged from the conflict and thus some notable groups of heroes and citizens were able to see through his lies. Now Captain Atheist continues his guise as a hero while secretly plotting a means to destroy society for good and replace all faith with the alien concepts of the Darwinists.

Alliances

Although Captain Atheist is in reality a coldhearted alien conqueror he often emplys others as "allies" in his quest to spread lies and misinformation, some of his more noted alliances have included: Captain Scientology - the champion of Scientology, who became a loyal henchman of Captain Atheist after Captain Atheist managed to trick him into believing he was in fact one Xenu's many reincarnations: like many cultists Captain Scientologist is not truly evil but is unable to accept the Lord and thus falls prey to the Darwinist entity.

Captain Pagan - the insidous Captain Pagan has long been an enemy of Christians everywhere, devoted to devil-worship and alternate lifestyles this primitive savage is more than willing to team up with Captain Atheist so that he can take advantage of the mayhem.

Captain Budah - almost tragic in his inability to see his sin, Captain Budah professes to be without faith yet worships a giant alien statue depicting an obese humanlike creature of unknown origin: he flies by the aid of sorcerery and often fires lasers from his "third-eye" - he sees himself as superior to all others but will ally with Captain Atheist out of a shared hatred of Christians.

Captain Gay - little is known about the Pink Menace known as Captain Gay other than, like Captain Budah, he is almost tragic and doesn't seem to understand the gravity of his sin: he also seeks acceptance but will stop at nothing to persecute those he sees as offending himself - he has allied with Captain Atheist and is one of the more well-known members of the great conspiracy.

Opponents

• Galactus: As Galactus is reputedly a God, this has frequently brought him into conflict with Captain Atheist who denies Galactus's godhood, saying that he's a cheap Unicron knockoff who happens to possess enormous cosmic power, angering Great Galactus who has tried on multiple occasions to devour the Earth in revenge against Captain Atheist but keeps getting stopped by the Fantastic Four. So now you know the real reason he keeps attacking Earth. Thanks Cap!
• Mephisto: Claims to be the Devil and therefore, a deity but Atheist says that Mephisto is merely a sufficently advanced alien and has his eye on the felon!
• Darkseid: A god.
• Loki: Another god.
• Thanos: Actually a Titan rather than a god but still kind of a jerk.
• Fred Phelps: For obvious reasons.
• ISIS and other religious extremist assholes.
• Doctor Doom: Because every superhero has fought Doctor Doom at some point!

Superpowers

• Occam's Lazer: Powered by pure logic!

Captain Atheist vs. Captain Omnipotent

• Captain Atheist: Prove that you exist.
• Captain Omnipotent: I refuse to prove that I exist, for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing.
• Captain Atheist: But, the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved by chance. It proves that You exist, and so therefore, by Your own arguments, You don't. Quid pro quo.
• Captain Omnipotent: Oh shit.

(Promptly vanishes in a puff of logic)

• Captain Atheist: God is dead.
• Friedrich Nietzsche: Hey, buddy, that's my line. Get your own, junior.