Benjamin Sisko

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

“It's a faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake!”

~ Sisko on the new Star Trek movie

“I have had it with these motherfucking Cardassians on this motherfucking station!”

~ Samuel L. Jackson on his audition for the role of Benjamin Sisko

Sisko in his Highschool days on his Spoonball team.

Captain Benjamin Sisko, also known as Benny and Hawk, was (will be?) a high school principal and commander of a Space Station built by aliens with spoons on their foreheads. He also played a character by the same name in Deep Space Nine a show in some hippie series called Star Trek. Its pretty shitty, so you shouldn't watch it. This Article is about the guy in the TV show rather than the actor who actually changed his name to Avery Brooks to avoid confusion with the fictional character he played. This is different than the case of William Shatner who changed his name to Captain Kirk.

Early Years[edit]

Benjamin Sisko was born on earth...somewhere. I think it was the east coast of North America, possibly San Francisco (hey what do ya know?), but that might have been me not paying as much attention to the show than I should have. Let's just say he's American or from New Orleans (Yeah, right). Or what would have been called American in our time. But I digress. His dad was a cook and his mother was a dead person (Dad had a better job if you ask me). So Sisko, while a good cook, decided he was gonna go fly around space sometime between the age of 0 and the age of, oh let's say, 20. If I actually bothered to do some research I could probably add a bit to this but no, just no, that's not for me. I didn't do research for that grade 12 history essay I'm not going to do it for this.

Early Starfleet Career[edit]

As part of his entrance exam for Star Fleet academy Sisko had to show them where his brain was. He ended up getting a headache trying to find it.

Sisko had a pretty hot wife, and a baby child named Jake (probably short for Jacob but I can't recall him being called Jacob by anyone at any point in the show). Sisko was aboard the USS Redshirt, one of the many ships of that name who took part in the battle of Wolf 359. I think that Sisko was a Lieutenant or Lieutenant-Commander I think, because he's a Commander at the actual beginning of the show and something like 10 years without a promotion would SUCK.

A native of New Orleans, Sisko and his family were struck when Hurricane Borg hit the city. Unfortunately his wife Jennifer was trapped in debris cause by the disaster. Fortunately, since Benjamin was a military officer Starfleet FEMA cared enough to rescue him along with his son. The tragic death of his wife from governmental incompetence after Hurricane Borg made the Sisko very angry and filled with depression and angst.


After 10 years of fishing on a holodeck with his son Benny gets orders from Star Fleet that he is being stationed at Terrok Nor, a crappy space station that was pretty much the equivalent of a concentration camp during the Cardassian occupation of Bajor. For some reason the Bajorans thought it would be good to replace one Alien overlord with another.

Sisko and his son move to the newly named Deep Space Nine and meet Kira Nerris; a kinda good looking Bajorin chick who wears all red but survives the whole series, Odo; a weird fucking morphamajig, Doctor Bashir; a British white guy who's apparently Arab, Quark; big ears, Chief O'Brien; an enlisted Irish guy who got kicked off the Enterprise but is apparently the best that Star Fleet could spare to head the engineering on the station, Jadiza Dax; a hot girl with spots who has a thing in her that used to be Sisko's friend or something like that, and the ever sinister Run On Sentence. This is the main cast, there was also another could big eared guys named Nog (like the egg) and Rom (like the CD), Garak, a spoon head who likes clothing, and Morn. Morn was the most useful character on the show and would never shut up.

Season One[edit]

Sucked. Sisko finds out he's the Emmisary of the Prophets, deities worshiped by the Bajorians. Turns out they exist and they live in a fucking Wormhole that goes to the Gama Quadrant. There's like two quadrants between them if I have my Greek Alphabet right...I probably don't. That's pretty much the only important thing to happen in season 1. It was too much like TNG so it sucked.

Season Two[edit]

Sucked but a little less. In this season Sisko fought the Maquis, a band of Federation Rebels who thought it was ballz that the Federation was giving their homes back to the Cardassians. Quite frankly it was, I think they had every right to stick it to 'em. However the Federation didn't agree so shit went down. The season finale the crew met the Jem' Hadar, bad ass dino-men and the Vorta...aliens that are...not human. This was actually a good thing because this introduced the Dominion, a kinda anti-Federation that without them the show would have sucked.

Season Three[edit]

I dunno I didn't have this season on DVD, some stuff went down with the Dominion I'm sure and probably in this season something about a treaty between the Cardasians and the Dominon. It's probably safe to say nothing happened

Season Four[edit]

If it wasn't in the previous season this one probably had the defense treaty with the Dominion and the Spoon Heads. Then I guess in the season finale the Klingons declared war with the Cardasians and for some stupid reason the Federation's peace treaty with the Cardasians was more important than the peace treaty with the Klingons. I dunno I didn't see this season either, but this is kinda where the show got really good I think. Also I believe that Commander Worf (AKA AWESOME) came into the show in this season. Didn't have this season either.

Season Five[edit]

This is yet another season I didn't have the DVD but sometime in this season the War against the Klingons end and they become allies again and then they go to war against the Cardasians and the Dominion. Good choice. Well, not good cause it's war, but if you have to go to war it's a better enemy to choose to go to war against. Something about the general of the Klingons being a changeling. I dunno. So ya. Next.

Season Six[edit]

Apparently it's a fake. I wouldn't have seen that coming.

This is a season I actually had on DVD. Things that Sisko did in this season. The Cardasians had control of station at the beginning of this season somehow and then the Federation takes it back. Oh Sisko now has a ship called the Defiant and is a Captain. Awesome right? Right. So Sisko becomes an accomplish to political assassination which brings the Romulans into the war on the side of good (Federation and Klingons). Blah blah blah, Season Finale Dax gets killed it's all very sad. NEXT.

Season Seven[edit]

Yet another Season I had on DVD. Pretty good. Dax comes back but hotter, or cuter at least, and Sisko had a bad trip where he's a writer in the 1950's and everyone hates black people (completely unlike today...I'M LOOKING AT YOU NEO-NAZIS...jackasses). That might have been season six actually I don't know. Quite frankly, writing this at 2:30 in the morning with a very unspecific memory concerning these shows, means that probably 75% of this is wrong. Back to the story. Hotter Dax and then the War ends when they concur Cardasia (also known as spoon head land) and then Sisko convinces the Prophets to not let the on coming Dominion fleet get through the wormhole (but once again that might have been in a earlier season). The Prophets make Sisko one of them, shit goes down. Fin.

Star Trek Novels[edit]



Writer Drug Trip[edit]

Benjamin Sisko collapsed one day randomly in the station. This was fairly far along in the show, something like the sixth season so this story seemed kinda useless. HOWEVER it was a really good episode so I'm not complaining. Anyways Sisko suddenly became Benny, a Negro writer. At the time Negro was considered polite but now it's a racist thing to say. So he was black writer and everyone called him a Negro but none of the readers of the magazine knew that he was black. He writes a story about a space station called Deep Space Nine (O_o). He gets beaten up by some white cops played by Dukat and Wayune and then every one says they like his story but they can't print it because people don't like black people. Sucks. He wakes up and is Sisko again. WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT!

Sisko vs Kirk[edit]

Reasons Why Sisko is Better.

  1. Sisko had a crappy old space station made by the Cardassians, but it's still more advanced than Kirk's ship.
  2. Kirk's Engineer was Scottish, Sisko's was Irish, (okay we will call this a draw at least they both had eyes)!
  3. Sisko actually fought in wars, Kirk's were just vaguely spoken about in Captain's Logs.
  4. Sisko's head of security had a flat face, Kirk's security officers died every episode.
  5. If Kirk had been in command of Deep Space Nine then he wouldn't have ended the war against the Klingons and the Dominion would have won. Fucking racist.
  6. Kirk admits it.gif

Sisko would never have sucked his cock...not that there's anything wrong with that

  1. Sisko had a Klingon on his crew, Kirk was a racist fuck.
  2. Sisko's space station and ship didn't run on technology that was obsolete two centuries before it was built.
  3. Sisko had a kid. Kirk had a kid too but Kirk didn't meet him till his son was something like 25.
  4. ...and Kirk's kid was a bastard.
  5. ...and Sisko's kid didn't have a faggy-ass name like David.
  6. Although Sisko is better, at least he respects Kirk, he even traveled back in time to get his autograph.

Sisko vs Picard[edit]

Reason's Why Sisko is Better.

  1. Picard may have had Worf first but he was a pussy under Picard and didn't become awesome until DS9.
  2. Picard never realized what O'Brien could do, under Sisko O'Brien put LaForge to shame.
  3. Sisko may have had Rom in his engineering staff but at least Rom wasn't blind.
  4. Picard tries to negotiate with Q, Sisko punched him.
  5. Picard had male pattern hair loss. Sisko fuck'n shaved his hair by choice and looked more awesome. Also, that sweet beard.
  6. Archer started off too much like Picard so they changed him halfway through the series and made him more like Sisko.
  7. Picard talks to Cardasians, Sisko kicks their asses.
  8. In fact, Picard ended up being tortured by them and nearly broke. Sisko had a Cardasian torturer on retainer, and if he stepped out of line, Sisko would punch him across the room.
  9. If Picard had met the Dominion first he would have negotiated the surrender of the Federation to them. He's just that French.
  10. Picard does not even try to be French; he drinks Earl Grey, reads and plays Shakespeare, speaks in an English accent and shamefully let others pronounce that "d" at the end of his name. Sisko is a genuine Creole, cooking Creole food and destroying racial discrimination as a hobby.
  11. Sisko would have known what this shit is.
  12. Picard needs a Phaser to do this. Sisko would have called upon the power of the prophets to do that if wanted to.
  13. Sisko would never EVER dress like this. THANK ROBOT JESUS!
  14. Sisko might have had Nog and Rom but he never had Wesley Crusher.
  15. Picard fought Ferengi as if they were serious enemies, with Sisko they were comic relief.
  16. Picard always has Tea Earl Grey Hot from the replicator, Sisko cooks his own food.
  17. Picard had ten forward, Sisko had Quark's bar.
  18. Picard's bartender wasn't Quark.
  19. Sisko's bartender wasn't Whoopi Goldberg.
  20. Sisko had kids.
  21. Members of Picard's crew may have been brought onto DS9 but that's when they became awesome anyways.
  22. Kira Nerys
  23. Cassidy Yates
  24. Jadzia Dax
  25. Ezri Dax
  26. Sisko's doctor was genetically enhanced and had to make an effort not to be too much more awesome than everybody else.
  27. Picard negotiates, Sisko wins wars.
  28. Sisko could get laid when ever he wants.
  29. Sisko had a Goatee.
  30. Sisko's hung like a black dude.
  31. Sisko never had an android on his crew but if he did it'd have lasers in his eyes and swords for arms.
  32. Sisko's chief of security can morph to look like anything he wants to, and I guarantee you it wouldn't be Picard.
  33. Sisko doesn't sing about French monks who can't wake up.
  34. Picard makes wine, Sisko makes foodgasms.
  35. Sisko drinks Ractagino not wimpy Earl Grey tea.
  36. Sisko likes baseball (although this one might not be so much on the good side)
  37. Picard negotiates with Romulans, Sisko fucking blows one up and accomplishes more in that one episode than Picard did in his entire series.
  38. Picard tells Worf to target the weapons or engines of enemy ships, Sisko tells Worf to write 'Don't Fuck with the Sisko' on torpedos and fire them at enemy ships.
  39. Picard is good at swearing in Klingon. Sisko eats Klingon hearts as breakfast, cooked in Creole style.

Sisko vs Janeway[edit]

Reasons Why Sisko is Better.

  1. Sisko would have found a way to blow up the caretaker array and get back to the Alpha Quadrant at the same time.
  2. Both Sisko and Janeway traveled to distant parts of the galaxy, the only difference is that Sisko makes it home by the end of the episode.
  3. Q extorted Janeway for help. He got punched in the face by Sisko. He's not Picard.
  4. It took a whole fleet of Cardasian and Dominion ships to take over DS9, It took only one Cardasian to take over Voyager.
  5. Both had self aware holographic programs but Sisko's wasn't a douche face.
  6. Yeah...Let's
  7. Neelix.
  8. Kes.
  9. Ensign Kim would never have stayed Ensign.
  10. Sisko would fucking skull-fuck Tom Paris for his attitude. After tearing his head out and shitting down his neck.
  11. Neelix.
  12. Threshold.
  13. Sisko has a proper son. Janeway's offspring are fucking reptiles. Which are promptly abandoned.
  14. Sisko never needed a reset button to babysit the grand scheme of things.
  15. The Maquis is specifically created to be used as a plot device in Voyager. Guess who cleans up all the mess?
  16. Neelix.

Sisko vs Archer[edit]

Reason's Why Sisko is Better.

  1. Sisko's doctor wasn't related to a blowfish.
  2. Archer had to fight Augments and it was a great deal of trouble to him. Sisko has an Augment under his command.
  3. Archer started too much like Picard and to they had to change him to be more like Sisko.
  4. Sisko would never let his dog to get out of hand and cause major diplomatic headaches. If he had one.
  5. Two words: AVERY BROOKS!
  6. Bashir/Garak fics.
  7. Jadzia/Kira fics.
  8. Ezri/Kira fics.
  9. Ezri/Jadzia fics.
  10. Kira/Ro... wait no scratch that. And besides that's expanded universe, and we all know the expanded universe doesn't exist.
  11. Sisko had time for two wars in his show, and he finished both of them, Archer was canceled before he got to his first.
  12. Archer's chief of security was British. Sisko's chief of security could turn into a British person, but he never chose to.
  13. Archer only had one British officer, Sisko had two. One of them was the very first non-Caucasian British character in television history. Yes, he is the Augment. Surprise?
  14. Sisko never had to rely on bull shit episodes where Archer's crew meets an alien race that won't be met again till Sisko's time and then forget to report it to Starfleet.
  15. Archer never met Q, Sisko punched him in the face.
  16. If the Dominion ever met the Suliban then the Suliban would have been insta pwnd, and Sisko took on the Dominion.
  17. When space combat occurs, Archer is the ass kickee. Sisko is the ass kicker.
  18. Sisko's ship is a pair of motherfuk'n pimped big guns strapped to a motherfuk'n pimped warp drive. With a cloaking device.

See also[edit]